AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

@Heresapickle I was more trying to say that while every parent/carer should probably consider their child(rens) needs as one of their main priorities, we all also have to accept there are times/scenarios when society has decided other people are equally important. If OP is going to fight for more inclusion, which she should, she's go a much better argument if she considers the angle that others will be coming from and factors they have to consider.

In this case they definitely have to consider her child and provide a safe space for him to change, however they also have to consider other people, and thus their provision for her child cannot exclude already existing rules and regulations regarding what they also have to/have chosen to provide for others. By her pushing for males over the allowed age to also be allowed access to female spaces she isn't considering the bigger picture.

Sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t update, but I am still reading and I’ve seen a few ask so wanted to clarify. My kids weren’t fully showering, they just stood under the water for a few seconds while I got their clothes and towels set up ready to get them dressed. They kept their swimming costumes on, so it was literally for a few seconds. I was trying to get in and out as quick as possible so they were literally in there for seconds while I got set up

@backtowinter

The father should use the family/disabled space if available.

I don’t think any children should be going in mens changing space to be honest regardless of whether the child is disabled or not. It isn’t safe.

Exactly.

It hadn’t occurred to me I would have to think about separate sex space for my son until secondary level until I read this thread.

Our leisure centre has a clear policy that children can only be in opposite sex changing rooms with a parent of the correct sex for that changing room up to the age of 8. They also provide separate group/family changing areas that are lockable for individual families to use where there may be additional needs that prevent an older child from using the appropriate facilities by themselves.

Don't other leisure centres do similar things?

When my younger kids go to swimming lessons with DP he uses the men's changing room which is unsurprisingly full of other dads doing the same thing and the odd older make child changing on their own. I think you are overstating the unsafeness of such spaces.

OMG stop defending your position! You’re sounding as though you will do the same next time, rather than admitting you were in the wrong and leaving it there!

Exactly, and a male of that age should not have been in the female only area at all!

...and if the family/disabled spaces are all occupied then the father is left in the same predicament as you are - nowhere to go (because you cannot take a child of the opposite sex into a single sex communal changing area unless they are under a certain age).

This illustrates why the argument needs to be for more accessible spaces and/or better 'policing' of who uses them, and not pushing for female guardians to be able to take their male children (over the allowed age) into female only spaces.

At @sollenwir

I am not “pushing for female guardians to be able to take their male children (over the allowed age) into female only spaces.”

I am pushing for allowing an exception for disabled males of primary age in circumstances where no other space is available. Or at least to have some understanding and compassion as to why/how such a situation would occur.

(because you cannot take a child of the opposite sex into a single sex communal changing area unless they are under a certain age).
If you are a carer you are expected to use the toilets appropriate to the disabled persons sex.

To be fair to the OP, they have asked for people's views, heard a range of views, stepped back and thought about their situation (which is not going to be identical to all the other situations of no people saying what should happen based on their children, who are not the OP's child), and has taken on board what people have said.

She's just clarified part of her situation because it came up in other posts.

It seems quite clear that the OP did what she did in the moment and now afterwards has reflected.

I hope she gets somewhere with the venue about having appropriate adjustments if her child is unable to wait for family changing, or she finds a solution that works for her and her child.

You honestly cannot see why 'pushing for allowing an exception for disabled males of primary age in circumstances where no other space is available' IS 'pushing for female guardians to be able to take their male children (over the allowed age) into female only spaces'?

People don't tend to be naked in toilet areas, especially female ones where there are only cubicles. If we applied the toilet rule here though, the OP should have taken her son into the male changing.

The exception is catered for by way of the family / group changing rooms, which is the perfect way to ensure a woman’s space remains women only, whilst also ensuring the needs of families and disabled males are addressed. OP just didn’t want to queue up for one, hence the situation she found herself in.

Yup, that’s what they suggest you do. Personally I don’t go into male toilets because I’m female. I can’t use a toilet when we are out together and ds uses the disabled toilet. Our life is ruled by toilets.

What? So husbands who are care for their wife are ‘expected’ to use the female toilets?! Says who?

Accessible toilets are for this purpose (as well as extra space etc etc).

That is clearly far from ideal - is there any set up which would work for you?

OMG

Please read my previous posts regarding autistics, queuing and why this could be problematic for OP.

Does not justify making women’s spaces accessible to all.

I’m just reporting what you are told to do not defending it. I assume it’s the same for M carers.

What age do they split girls /boys changing for pe at school?

I don't think it's appropriate for a 9yo boy to be in the girls changing room. Yes a pain to wait but hey ho. My son is a wheelchair user and I'd have to wait for the accessible room. Why shouldn't you?

Told by whom?

There are ways it could work but we’d need a cubical with a secure waiting area. It’s limiting and embarrassing to explain to people really. To be honest much of our life is, and we muddle on.

What age do they split girls /boys changing for pe at school?
We were separated from year 3, so age 7.