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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not commit to school runs for other kid

228 replies

oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:10

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

OP posts:
Notjustfish · 20/11/2023 13:12

I would send a text message now just to make it clear.

UncleHerbie · 20/11/2023 13:13

“No, that won’t work for us”. Simple and to the point, though admittedly easier said than done. If you give any reasons, they’ll find excuses

Hadalifeonce · 20/11/2023 13:14

I think you have to be honest and say it sounds like they are expecting some help from you regarding getting their DC to school. I would point out that it is very very unlikely to happen, and they shouldn't rely on you for any lifts, if that's what they are thinking

user1499114292 · 20/11/2023 13:15

Obviously this is a no, and no need to explain.

but maybe say you’ve a lot of juggling going on behind the scenes and coordination with others and need to keep it simple for now. So you won’t be doing anything other than the play dates you do now, if it can be fitted in.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/11/2023 13:18

Just be clear - "No, I wouldn't get into sharing school runs, it sounds like a pain and we don't need it."

Original poster
oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:18

Thanks all for replies.
I have no idea how to broach this with them and DH says not to worry until it happens..but then he's not really involved as he's not available for school runs and most of the time is not there for the play dates.
Our parenting styles are also v different, in that they are happy for an iPad all day and not doing anything, no boundaries etc and we are not like that at all. I'm not judging them, it's just not a fit with what we do

OP posts:
LaraMargot · 20/11/2023 13:19

If she's dropping hints ask her to clarify what she means. Then make it clear it will not be happening. Nip it in the bud before it becomes more difficult.

NowItsSpring · 20/11/2023 13:20

LaraMargot · 20/11/2023 13:19

If she's dropping hints ask her to clarify what she means. Then make it clear it will not be happening. Nip it in the bud before it becomes more difficult.

This. Not realistic anyway as you live in opposite directions x

Orio2023 · 20/11/2023 13:20

Stop meeting up with them.

Paddleboarder · 20/11/2023 13:21

They can apply to whatever school they want, but I would make it clear that you cannot commit to any pick ups etc at all.

Original poster
oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:23

@Paddleboarder
Yes I appreciate they can, but they have a lovely primary on their road that their daughter really liked when they looked around. I feel their decision is somewhat based on clinging on on to my DD (who is very sociable) and on some weird expectations that I'll do school runs to make their lives easier as breakfast/after school clubs don't necessarily fit in with their jobs. They've mentioned a few times about after school clubs being tricky with their working hours

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 20/11/2023 13:24

It sounds like they are relying on you to do this, you must be absolutely clear and say sorry we can't do it as we have other stuff going on. Also the more you do it for them the more they will want they sound a bit like the using type to me especially if they are choosing schools on that basis

Lastchancechica · 20/11/2023 13:29

Nip it in the bud. We had this and if left will be understood as an agreement of sorts. Keep it simple.

‘ If you decide to go to x school it would be great to see you there, I’m afraid we won’t be sharing school runs as we have ours completely organised now. Lets me for coffee/ soft play soon x’

CreepyDibillo · 20/11/2023 13:29

Echo the thoughts of others- you need to be firm with them. Tell them to find a childminder if school clubs dont work for them. You also need to avoid telling them your final school choices, just keep dragging it out saying you haven't decided yet.

Some questions though:

  • How do you know them? Can you start being unavailable for play dates, too much on etc?
  • If they're out of catchment, do they even stand a chance of getting the same school as you?
BoohooWoohoo · 20/11/2023 13:34

Definitely nip it in the bud now as the later you leave it, the harder it will be for them to source a solution. If you do what your h says, I think that you will be faced with anger or a guilt trip so it’s better dealt with now.
I would also keep my preferences secret in the hope that the girls ended up in different schools. This is a nightmare waiting to happen and the other family need to deal with the issues that mean that their dd doesn’t have other friends.

SnobblyBobbly · 20/11/2023 13:35

I'd specifically broach it with them and say something like 'I'm a bit concerned that you'll need more help from me with school runs than I can give, so I'd rather say that now before you apply. I need to have flexibility for work and really don't want to agree to something that I know won't be sustainable.'

Be nice but a bit blunt and with any luck they'll apply to the school over the road.

Purpleraiin · 20/11/2023 13:37

Im mot a very direct person so I'd bring the convo up about schools then just say something along the lines of ' oh how come you are planning to apply there and out of your way when you have this school closer to you? Do your work hours allow for you to be able to manage school runs if your child gets in to this school?'

She will either say yes work hours allow, or she will say no we will use clubs, or, that's when she will broach the subject of sharing the school run. If she brings up sharing then you can give her whatever reason you fancy for not being able to do it.

poetryandwine · 20/11/2023 13:39

Agree with asking the other mum to clarify her hints the next time she brings the topic o school runs up. Then you can just look puzzled and say ‘I’m afraid that doesn’t work for us.’

Ordinarily I agree with the Mumsnet philosophy of stopping there. However as this would add an hour to the school run I think it is compelling to add that you just don’t have the time in the morning to make this work.

The information about the little girl and her mum is all secondary to this fact. I agree that if you give in on this it is likely to be only the beginning. I do feel sorry for the little girl but the help she may need isn’t for your DD to provide.

Original poster
oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:42

@CreepyDibillo
Kids went to the same nursery for a while, met at mutual nursery friends parties and their DD only likes spending time with ours, no other kids at all. Will stop DD playing with other kids when we invited them along with our other friends, which I was mortified about as DD is socially great.

They stand very little chance of one near to us, not sure about the other. They have also mentioned about moving so they will be in catchment for DH school for secondary!

I will prob make myself a bit unavailable in the lead up to Xmas which actually we do have a lot on anyway, so it's not necessary untrue. But DD really likes seeing this other girl and I would feel awful for her not seeing her, as two of her closest friends are slightly older and started school this year.
Also I'm a bit of a soft touch and not great with boundaries

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 20/11/2023 13:43

I'd send a message saying that you won't be doing it as it's so far out of your way and you won't have that amount of extra time. Tell your friend she would be much better sending her daughter to the school on their road. It's a godsend to have a good school on the doorstep, and it seems crazy to waste it.

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 20/11/2023 13:43

'Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately it's not something we can commit to as we have lots of things on. So please don't factor this in to your decisions.'

All true. Perfectly polite.

Therealjudgejudy · 20/11/2023 13:45

You need to nip this in the bud now.

Sorry, we are not available for lift sharing. End of.

Mossstitch · 20/11/2023 13:45

It's one thing doing school runs occasionally for someone that lives on your street but nobody in their right mind would commit to school runs for someone that lives 20 minutes in opposite direction turning the school run into an hour round trip!! What happens if your child is sick? You are doing her a favour (and your child by the sounds of it) to make it clear you will not be doing that so that she can apply for the closer school not wait until the other child is in the same school when it will cause issues for all concerned.

Original poster
oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:45

@ManchesterLu
Yes it is bonkers, which is why it worries me they will copy us. I used to be an assistant head pre-DD and the school on their road is excellent, lots of very happy parents I know. But I think they aren't happy with the after school hours

OP posts:
coconutpie · 20/11/2023 13:48

Not your problem OP. Next time they hint, look confused and say are you asking us to share school runs? You live in the opposite direction to us and it will not be possible to share so don't apply to a school on the basis that we will do school runs for you as we can't.