To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

Absolutely this.

First step is to stop the playdates. Do not ask her to go out with you and if she asks, say you are busy.

Next step...when she messages you, take a couple of days to respond. Slowly, you'll stop responding altogether.

She will get the message.

I took my DD friend out quite a bit. My DD has still not been invited over. Her child falls out in the most dramatic fashion with my DD in my presence. When this mum next asked if we were free, I said no. To protect my DD and because I do not want to be around that behaviour. Job done.

I feel their decision is somewhat based on clinging on on to my DD

This is the crazy bit. These girls are what, 4? or 3? Were you best friends with the same person from age 3 right through primary school? What would happen if they got their way is that the girls would start school together and within 2 months your sociable daughter would be friends with the whole class, and this other child would have her nose well out of joint because "her" friend is daring to play with someone else. It's a recipe for disaster.

Agree with others that you will have to tackle this head on and make it clear that you cannot ever commit to sharing lifts for a whole host of very practical reasons. You could add something about keeping the friendship going by the girls seeing each other at the weekend (knowing that when they start school they will make new friends and this friendship will peter out by Christmas).

Basing the choice of a child's primary school on who is the current best friend is just NUTS.

Honestly - why didn't you speak up at the time?
Next time you (or DH!) get any comments or hints be clear and simple in your reply. "Actually, we wouldn't take part in any shared travel arrangements. It would only make our lives more complicated and not help us at all." Then stick to it, repeating what you've said as many times as it takes for them to get the message.

Alternatively - and I must admit I'd be tempted to do this - I would either ring or text and be just as clear. "I've noticed you mentioning sharing school run duties if x and y end up in the same school. We wouldn't be up for that I'm afraid... (then as above.) Just wanted to let you know before you decide on which school to apply for."

Yes it's toxic backstabbing to ask for peoples opinion on how to broach this nicely. LOl with the reference to my mental heath when my dad died recently.
Nice.

Make it clear that it won’t work. If they continue talking about it repeat like a broken record- that won’t work for us.

Op, trust your gut instinct on this one.
I learned the hard way.

Start talking about changing hours at work and how everything will change soon, along with distancing yourself where you can.

It's plain weird to choose the school your child attends on the basis of one other child who might also apply! That's your signal that these parents aren't on the same page as you, and your cue to be blunt about car-pooling.

Don't feel bad telling her you won't commit to ferrying her child to/from school (when you read that sentence, it has to feel outrageous to you, no? And that's not even taking into account that she lives a 20 minute drive in the opposite direction to school. I mean, who does that?!). She's entirely in the wrong. You'd be doing her a service by setting her straight. There's no issue here. It's just how you feel about telling someone something they don't want to hear.

Sorry to hear about your dad

Your words do not leave any room for ambiguity. You don't like her because of mental health stuff. That's just the self you're expressing on here no, it's not nice. But it is very typical.

If they are well out of catchment it's probably not going to be an issue anyway. If schools come up in conversation you could also mention that they may struggle to get a place if out if catchment. Say how important it is to you to be close to the school as that you want a quick school run especially as sharing it with your flexi job and sharing with your mum you need it to be as quick and easy as possible (ie no way am going to add an extra leg on to drop your kid off too).

Then say how lucky they are to have such a good school close to them and they will have an easy school run.

"it won't work as we live opposite sides of the school and would double the journey time so pointless"

You need to nip this in the bud now, because otherwise you're going to have it hanging over you, and despite your DH's waffly "oh i'm sure it'll be fine/not happen", that doesn't really help with the ambiguity going on.

For them, and you, you need to make it 100% clear, politely, that this won't be happening.

"Hi, just to confirm after we discussed school applications this week/last week/whenever - to be clear: we won't be sharing school runs with anyone and we're making our own arrangements xx"

Just write it clearly, without any room for "but what if"... nonsense.

OP, stop dithering here and just cut it off at the root.

If you and DH need to work on boundaries, this is a great time to start.

And TBH the relationship doesn't sound healthy or one i'd want to encourage for my DD so i'm wondering why you're even keeping it going - it's sometimes not enough that your DD might want to keep a friend that she gets on with. Your job as a parent is to manuver her through challenges and develop her resilience, but at such a young age, reducing contact with children who aren't a good role model or influence is a good move - i'm wondering if you're such a people pleaser you can't think clearly about WTF you're doing here. (I mean that nicely, i used to be a people pleaser until it absolutely broke me, now i realise that being seen as "rude" is mostly just "other people walking over you".)

I think some people can be far more comfortable with “using “‘others. They almost identify a good fit for usefulness to them and then go 100% to secure their services . Please resist , they often start arriving earlier / picking up later /assuming inset day cover and once you start they go deaf to any reciprocal arrangement . It’s easier to say no before it starts . ( spoken from experience) Good luck .

“Our parenting styles are also v different, in that they are happy for an iPad all day and not doing anything, no boundaries etc and we are not like that at all. I'm not judging them, it's just not a fit with what we do”

Followed by “Also I'm a bit of a soft touch and not great with boundaries”

Pointing the above out because it’s funny!

@oepeabsin what are you scared of? Saying no? That they won’t like you? You don’t seem to like them that much. Best to nip it in the bud now and just distance yourself. Tbf they do sound like CFs.

Op ot would be a massive NO from me.
I think the poster up thread has it right draw out of her what she means about sharing school run.

Then say "Oh no, sorry I cannot commit to sharing school run for the next 7 years, your in the opposite direction for a start, and anything could happen, job changes, illness, babies etc far too big a commitment" you could soften it by "of course I'd help out in an emergency, illness, hospital, broken down car etc but not on a week to week basis."

I’d also be a bit concerned that their idea of sharing the school run would be them dropping their DD off at yours on their way to work and then picking her up on the way home.

Especially if you say you’d be going out of your way to collect/drop off their DD.

Honestly I'd nip it in the bud now. I'd message saying, "hi I thought about what you said regarding shared school run. I'm really sorry but I'm not able to, because my mum is doing most of mine, and it wouldn't be fair to ask her to have another child too. So sorry. I've looked into x school near you. Its actually a really good school, how come you're not thinking of there?"

I think if you don’t want to be direct I’d just start talking about changing work hours and possibly getting a childminder if you do.
Doesn’t have to be true but drip feeds the idea you might not necessarily be available, which can be true of anyone, who knows what will happen.

I had 2 parents apply to the same secondary as us because they believed I would drive their children to and from school. DD walks! Luckily they didn’t get in anyway.

If you don't want to share lifts and it takes extra time and effort of course it is absolutely fine to not do it. However it is not fair to not be clear this is your position and just try and avoid it. Loads of good suggestions on wording for messages you could use to do this from others. So much easier to deal with this upfront before school applications go in, than put your head in the sand and it is potentially a massive mess at a later date. To be honest I don't understand not being direct when it is simple like this

"I'm not comfortable committing to sharing school runs, primary school lasts such a long time and with things like future kids, moving house, clubs and hobbies, new jobs etc I'd rather each of us just sort out our own plans. My mum's going to be helping us out some days and she's really looking forward to the 1-1 time with DC and we also want to keep the flexibility of going out straight from school or organising future play dates. Sure you understand!"

With your updates, it does sound like these people are broaching into CF territory. The fact that the dad is even heavily hinting shows that they've been talking about it.

I would be crystal clear with them - we won't be sharing drop offs / pick ups.
If they ask why, state 'it won't work for us.'

be firm and clear it won't work for you. And I wouldn't think they'd get in anyway, if out of catchment?

I can understand why you didn't say anything when it first came up. But now you have to be direct. next time it's mentioned, a light breezy, "oh, I don't think we'll be looking to make any long term or permanent lift club arrangements. we've already got so many things to take into account with my mum's availability and work and after school activities. Definitely don't factor us into your planning for that."

Or you could even go more direct, "I don't think that would work for us. We have a pretty good system and your house would actually add to the drop off/pick up for us. I think you need a much better more reliable system."

And repeat.

As a rule, I'm very happy to do pick ups/collections/drop offs but it would take a great deal for me to ever agree to do something like this as standard. At one point we had something with DS' best friend and I said to her mum that I'd be very happy to take BF to the activity whenever we could but there would be times when I just couldn't do it for our own logistical reasons so she needs to think about that before signing up. She totally got it.

Honestly, they sound so bonkers you've got two options:

Be brutally honest or stop replying and drop contact.