To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

Hi there Rosie.. this has been going over and over in my head so I am sorry.. I just have to be sure that you do not choose little rosie's school based on the assumption that we would be able to help with before or after school runs. You are 20 minutes away from us, so that would mean a 40 minute round trip or having your daughter for more than three hours after school every week. This just won't work for me. I know how difficult the transition to primary is for kids, how tired they get in the evening, with after school clubs, homework, dinner and juggling my job and my Mum looking after mini me.. it would be impossible for me to commit to regular before or after school care for mini Rosie. I do hope you find a solution that worls for you all but I am afraid it can't be me. I am sorry.. I know this is a challenge faced by many parents.

Or... go with DH.. there is not a cat in hell's chance someone from a 20 minute drive away will get a place at your preferred school... live with the discomfort and trust in the proceas!

Their parenting style is irrelevant tbh, as they wouldn't be looking after your child, just driving her.

But no, I wouldn't get in to this. Next time schools are mentioned I'd just make a point of saying that you're not going to get involved in loft sharing with anyone as you don't need it and it wouldn't work for you.

Speaking from previous experience, you really do need to nip this in the bud now. Be very clear that you will not be running a lift service.

Are they outright asking OP or just dropping hints? If outright as others have said a simple ‘that won’t work for us’ or ‘I can’t commit to anything right now’. If hinting dont commit or makes negative noises or comments

Also be prepared that they might suggest that they/get someone to drop their DD to your house and that you do the school run from there. I might be overthinking but better to be clear now that you will not being doing school/runs or drops regardless of what excuses or help they come up with.

I would just say, best not to base school applications on the idea you'll be sharing lifts as you won't be able to share lifts.

I would just say as DH is a safeguarding lead your unable to share lifts unfortunately. Thanks for the suggestion but you hope they can find another solution.

Simple and as it's a work related reason they can't say anything. I know people that have used this as a reason before and it is valid.

YANBU and you definitely need to tell them you won’t be doing this.

To be honest I’d be tempted to tell them I was changing the first choice of school to somewhere else (then they would have to arrange their own pick ups and drop offs or could choose another school if they were only choosing that one because you were). Tell them your putting the school as your 2nd or 3rd choice then when your DD gets in say you didn’t get your 1st choice. Hopefully they will of sorted something by then or changed their minds.

I think you do have to mention that you'll not be available for lifts but just want to reassure you that if school places are in demand they'll probably not get a look in at a primary further away from them. It would be wiser for them to put their nearest school as first choice than one further away as they may get stuck with one that they'd never have even considered if the closer schools are all filled by people who put them down as first choice.
I know with my eldest, our school choices were tactically chosen so we had the best likelihood of getting in atleast one of our preferred schools.

100% this

@oepeabsin just be honest! “Look friend, I’m hearing the hints and mentions about sharing lifts if your dd gets into x school, and just need to be clear that I won’t be able or willing to entertain any kind of shared lift scenario for the school run. I have my own life etc to juggle and can’t be beholden to the routines of others. If you’re considering the school and making me part of your school run plan, please don’t. I won’t be able to accommodate this”

And another thing, again speaking from experience, do not say you will cover for emergencies etc as you may find they experience "emergencies" on a regular basis!

I would just be honest and say why you can not share the school run. Say, you just can not commit to driving an extra hour for the school run, as they do not live close by and also do not want the responsibility of another dc.

This

Tbh unlikely she will get into the one near you if 20min drive

If you they live nowhere near you or the school why would the even suggest any of that?

It just doesn't make sense, the school wouldn't accept them anyway unless theres more to the story.

Just be honest say it’s making you stressed and uncomfortable thinking about logistics and you have sorted your own childcare with your mother and you would appreciate that you are excluded from any plans regarding school pick ups and drop off lane in the future as it is having a negative effect on what should be a happy part of your child’s experience starting school.

Some people are ridiculous. Assuming lifts, choosing a school based on which one you've chosen. So irrational.

I agree with everyone saying that you've got to be direct. If they get the hump with you, it sounds like no great loss anyway.

I've been in various school run lift shares over the last 6 years and the only ones that have worked out have been the ones where a) there is strict 50/50 sharing of lifts, b) where they live so close that it's not out of either of our way and c) where we can be completely honest in terms of communication, so I know the other family won't get offended if I say I can't do more than 2 lifts a week or can't swap the days around.

And definitely don't say emergencies as their perception of what an emergency is may be very different to yours!

I would just mention in conversation that she must have some patience choosing a school so far away, followed by saying you couldn't be doing with sitting in all the traffic twice a day, far to busy for all that faff so it'll be the nearest one and that's it.

You’re not responsible for their assumptions.

If they come out and ask, then you can give a direct answer.

If the topic comes up, you can be more explicit.

As suggested by PP, you could try to bring the subject up, but if you do, you must make sure you are clear with them.

It sounds like both your DH and you have been caught on the hop with this a little, and you both need to be ready with a clear answer if they make vague comments again.

Firstly, if reading the number of threads on MN is any sort of a gauge, your DH will not be involved in the dropping off or collecting so of course he would say don't say anything until we know the situation. It's not going to impact on him at all (or if it is, it'll probably be a very infrequent thing).
Next, if you don't say something to them now and they get accepted to the school nearest them but they decline that on the off chance they get accepted into the school that your DD goes to (also with the not so subtle hints of you doing pick up and dropping off), that could result in them losing a place in the school nearest them so you have to say something.

I would use some form of the suggestions above but instead of saying "Oh that doesn't work for us" say something like "Oh, you must have got the wrong end of the stick there. I can't do dropping off and/or collecting of little Alice (no idea of the child's name) as we already have our childminding sorted out so you'll have to find someone else or do it yourself" or better yet try to guide them in the direction of getting their child into the other school to broaden their social circle, and it will be with other children in their immediate locality so its more than likely going to be something that can expand over time.

You can still remain friends with them but their child and yours will be expanding their circle of friends themselves. It might end up that this particular friendship fizzles out because their child is so busy with their new friends from school.

Have they given you any indication as to why they want to follow your child to the same school (apart from the friendship element)?

This suggested text absolutely clears up any ambiguity in the situation and still remains polite and friendly.

Tell them your top choice is the school on their road. Then when your dd gets into a different school you can say you didn't get your first choice. I would also start distancing yourself from them as they sounds like hard work.

I'd just distance yourself.

You don't owe this mother anything. So what if they lose a place at a local school because they are holding out for you to do their school runs. Their problem. That's what comes of being CFs.

I'd not get involved at all, apply to the schools you want to apply to and move on.

I can't see how they'd get into a school (at least) 20 minutes drive from them unless the catchments are very odd. But if they do, and then talk about sharing lifts, then you say "no we don't want to get into that sort of commitment, we've our own lives to coordinate".

Oh and if they do get into the same school and there is more than one class per year group, ask for the other girl to be in the other class!

Excellent post.
Read and re read OP.

You have 7 years ahead of you.
Children change their friends easily at this age.
You do not want to be entangled with anyones arrangements.
What about extra curricular activities that might arise?
What about other play dates with other children?
What about sick days?
They want you tied to them two days a week, why would you do that?
These are plain garden variety CF's looking for free convenient childcare.

These people will mishear you.
You need to send a clear unambiguous text that you will not be involving yourself in their lifts or childcare, no apology.
Just that it will not be happening.

This child is not a good fit with yours and actively interferes with her interactions with others.

You are setting her and yourself up for a whole load of grief by not distancing yourself from them now.

Be unavailable.

So what if your daughter likes this child, you are her parent and can see that this whole set up is not in your very small childs best interests.

Fill her time with other friends and activities and move on from these people who will be nothing more than users if you give them a chance.