To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

Hi xx, as we all finalise our school choices, I just wanted to clarify that we wouldn’t be able to commit to any regular and ongoing pick up sharing. Didn’t want you to be left in the lurch if this is part of your decision making. Good luck with it all xx

I'd send a message along the lines of
"Did you finalise your school application yet? Have you found any good ASC or childminders yet for after school provision? My neighbour was asking and I know you'll need it to cover your DD"
If they respond and suggest sharing lifts a simple
"Sorry that won't work for us. Hope you find an alternative solution" should suffice.

I don't think you can open up a message with "that time we talked about schools and you suggested sharing. Just to confirm, that doesn't work for us" - it's too abrupt.

Hi OP, are you sure you would like your DD to remain friends with this child? Based on what you have said, it does not sound like healthy friendship dynamics. This child not allowing your DD to be friends with others is a cause for concern. I would start not been available for play dates etc.

When do you have to submit your preferences? Is it mid December?

Personally, I would want this mum to be clear that school drop off / pick up sharing is not going to work for you. Then she can choose her school preferences on that basis.

Don't worry about the secondary school stuff now, plenty of people do move to get into their secondary of choice, however, you barely see any of the parents; also DC make their own friendship groups.

Make it clear now that it doesn't work for you. I get roped into a similar arrangement and the other mum really took advantage. I was quite vulnerable and had a lot on at the time and she exploited that. It was far more trouble than it was worth.

I think this is the best framing. It's perfectly natural to open a conversation about school applications at this time: "So, have you got all your school applications in?" and if/ when they talk about your DD's school, you can warn them that it's unlikely to come off, given catchments, "and then you'll have missed out on the place at [nearby school]. It would be crazy. Even if you got in, the commute would be horrendous for you."

“Hi. Just following on from our conversation, I wanted to be clear that we’re not planning to share school runs with anyone when our DC are at secondary. It causes complications and just isn’t something I want to get involved with”

If they are way out of catchment and unlikely to get in I wouldn't say anything because the problem will resolve itself.

So breakfast or after school clubs don't work for them do they expect you to keep the kids after school and then bring them home when they are home

@RiotAndAlarum @JustMarriedBecca
Both great ideas. I also haven't confirmed with my job that I will be able to amend my hours anyway to cover school runs so by time of application I couldn't commit to my own school runs yet , never mind anyone else.and I have said this to them. Our request has to go in after the new year.
DH saw other child and her dad Sunday and he was telling DH about how he always used to help loads of other parents with school runs etc with his much older child..so massive hint dropping, but he now works abroad mostly so that's irrespective anyway. DH was a bit of a loss as to know what to say but is of the mindset they won't get into our first choice so don't worry about it.

God they sound like a nightmare. Who cares what the dad did with previous child ?!?

distance !

edit typo

@MrsClatterbuck
Yes they would expect this, it would be covering their working hours which are 8-6 for two days a week I believe, but DD has a club on one of my non working days anyway at 5.

@ollypollymolly
Yes a bit! Their whole dynamic and parenting makes me a bit uneasy for various reasons. But the whole school discussion makes me so uneasy, particularly as it's about making their lives and their DD lives easier, nothing mutual

If they won't get into your first choice anyway is it not all moot? Is it possible they'd get into your second choice?

I wouldn't say anything, actually. Their call which schools they apply to, they could have other reasons beyond your DD/ transport. Don't assume it's about you.

If she does hint about car-pooling again, just put her straight. Don't pussyfoot, as that's how problems arise. "Oh, car-pooling would be a nightmare for us. I have an unusual schedule and my mum's already adjusted her routine around me, there's no way we'd be able to accommodate another child. Sorry."

Whilst I get your concern OP, isn't it a little premature to be worrying about this particular issue? Neither you or the other family have even submitted your school preferences yet. From what you have said there is a very good chance that the children will not even end up at the same school, particularly if they are out of catchment, so the possibility of sharing school runs would be negated anyway. I would crack on and submit your application to the school that best suits your child and worry about any potential car share dramas if and when they actually arise.

This is weird tell them they'll have to get a childminder.

Absolutely clarify this now so you don't get "Oh but we would never have applied for this school if we'd known"
Some great suggestions of how to say that gently on here.

If she can't find breakfast clubs or afterschool clubs then she will have to pay for a child minder to do the job as many other parents do.

Also your working arrangements are likely to change in future when DD is at full time primary. So your availability is not a given

In her defence, if it's her first child, it might be that she's just nervous and wants to stick with what is familiar and she trusts you and is worried about the unknown.
But it doesn't seem that this arrangement would benefit you in any way.
That's not to say dump them, but if you make it clear what you can and can't do, the girls can still be friends and if they do end up at different schools, it will be nice for her to have a friend outside of the school set up.
Good Luck!

They are clearly sounding you out and are obviously influenced a lot by your experience and knowledge of education and schools in the area.
I would find a way to clearly let them know that you could never ever commit to sharing school runs with anybody even if they lived next door as you yourself rely on others / paid help very often and ‘you never know what the future holds anyway with your work situations’
At the same time, I would praise their local primary one more time and encourage her to explore solutions for local wrap around care well in advance. Eg ‘have you tried xyz childminder, I’ve heard she’s very good but you would need to talk to her soon’
As you don’t particularly like the mum or the child very much anyway, I would definitely be too busy for play dates for now. Wean them off you as much as you can. Don’t be available.
Life is too short. Don’t allow these people to use you if the friendship brings nothing but angst to you.

One of the couples from my NCT group were like this - they thought they had a entitlement to other people's time/resources. Their son really struggled with social skills (sadly the apple didn't fall far from the tree) and really latched onto my son in the same way as this child has to your daughter OP in terms of not wanting him to play with anyone else, being very possessive etc. The couple found out what activities my DS was going to and would always book onto the same sessions without telling us beforehand - we basically felt like they were stalking us.

It's not my finest moment, but I started telling her wrong info, even up to which school we were applying to (we were in catchment for two outstanding schools) and they told us they would put the same first choice as us 'so the boys could stay together' well, I told them our second choice was our first choice, and they got into that school. But this didn't end well for me as when the places were allocated and they found out we'd got into the other school, they went on the waiting list and got in to the same school as DS did. So we are stuck with them for the next 6 years! Unfortunately their son turned out to be a bit of a bully so my DS has nothing to do with him, and the parents have alienated most of the other parents by being thinking their son's bullying ways are hilarious! Anyway we had to completely cut them out of our lives in the end as it was just all too much and sound like you will need to do the same. Your daughter will soon make other friends so don't worry too much about her being sad not to see the other child any more!

@Raincloudsonasunnyday
No assumption, they have clearly said oh if you apply to that school for your DD then we will. They haven't even looked at our second choice, they asked us about which schools we liked when school tours came up and we didn't think this would create this issue so said the two we wanted.
My dad died two months ago unexpectedly so there would be no way I would ask my mum to pick up or look after any one else's kids.

I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

Thats fine. Do more of that. You don’t seem to like them much, doesn’t sound like I would either. Doesn’t sound like they’ll get into the same school anyway.

It doesn’t sound like you like the child or their parents - why do you spend time with them?

I assume they are about to apply for reception?

I'd say 'I know we spoke about sharing school runs if X and Y are at the same school - I didn't want to dismiss without thinking about it, but having looked at our plan for school pickups and drop offs we won't be able to do any and don't need any, thanks for thinking of us though!'