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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not commit to school runs for other kid

228 replies

oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:10

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/11/2023 14:50

Snazzysausage · 21/11/2023 13:27

I do think you do need to make it clear you're not up for sharing the school run under any circumstances before they've put in an application. If you don't I suspect they're the sort who will turn it back onto you and try to make you feel guilty as in
"Well you let us place Mary at the same school as Martha,we assumed as you hadn't said anything we were sharing the school run. You've put us in a really difficult position"

Correct.

There are people like this, that just because they think something will suit them, it will happen.

15 years ago an elderly neighbours daughter whom I would know to say hello to as I was out walking, and whose mum I knew a bit better because I would pass her house out gardening and would stop and talk about the weather, came up to me in the park after school had reopened in September.

She told me she had been looking out for me as our boys were now in the same school and she would appreciate it if I would drop her child to school in the morning after she had dropped him to her mums, and dropped him home afterwards.

Completely unbelievable.

I told her very calmly but very firmly, "absolutely not
I have 4 children of my own and had no intention of being involved in the logistics of anyone else's child EVER".

She replied "that leaves me very stuck, as I was depending on it"....

Unbelievable.I did a 🤷🏻‍♀️

I told her I had to go and left the park quickly.

I studiously avoided her and her mother for a long long time.
Clearly batshit entitled.

We had NEVER even spoken about her only childs schooling, as I didn't really know her.

Yet she had thought through her mothers vague association as a neighbour I could be roped in for her school runs for 7 years.

Batshit.

Snazzysausage · 21/11/2023 15:52

@billy1966 Batshit indeed.
I can't make my mind up whether these type of people are born with an extra entitlement gene or if it's learned behaviour. Either way there seems to be an awful lot of them about.

RoundTheBendThenBackAgain · 21/11/2023 16:42

You do need to be blunt and nip it in the bud or it will get harder and harder to do so as time goes on.

Haydenn · 21/11/2023 16:53

Due to the fact you were an assistant head do you think there might be a chance they are picking the same as you because you “know the best schools” or have already done the research?

Justanothermum42 · 21/11/2023 16:56

’you keep mentioning lift sharing if kids end up in the same school but I don’t think that will work for us. Sorry. Life is just so hectic that having a responsibility for another child is not something I am willing to take. Have you thought about how you could do it on your own?’
I was in a similar position a few years ago… difficult but had to be said! Good luck x

Nurse08 · 21/11/2023 17:03

Just that it adds too much travelling time so the arrangement can never work. Petrol costs for a start. Less said the better. No reasons have to be given could just say that you don't want to do it.

Maybe87 · 21/11/2023 17:21

Lie. Say you will put first choice the x school while you will put the y school. Once you find out the results. Pretend to be sad that your DD didnt go to your first choice. Sometimes a lie saves you from uncomfortable situations. And if you want to do a good as she will choose the x school as well, pick a school closer to them with a good rating.

viques · 21/11/2023 17:23

Have a look on your LA website and find out what the furthest distance for a successful application was last year.

Dear Friend, I was a bit worried when you said you were considering applying for a place in X school for your DD so I did some research. Did you know that last year the furthest away child was (insert distance). It seems a shame to waste a preference on such an unlikely chance of success. The twice daily journey would be a nightmare for you too, and I think it is only fair to tell you that although we are close we would not be in a position to help you with this at all.

stichguru · 21/11/2023 17:23

Next time it comes up, could you causally say something like "oh yes I'm not sure what working hours I'll have next year, so we may need to think about using more childcare too". That makes it clear that you are likely not to be doing the school run everyday and may not being doing it any day, without actually saying you won't help them. I think it is nice of you to give them a heads up, but given she's not asked you to care for her child, I don't think you need to say you won't.

penjil · 21/11/2023 17:24

Surely the fact they are 20 mins in the other direction, which would mean a 40 minute round trip, is enough of a reason.

Tell them this. It's honest.

RedToothBrush · 21/11/2023 17:29

I would raise the subject as being concerned that her daughter was being clingy and too dependent on your daughter and how you felt it wasn't in your daughter's best interests. Then distance. The penny will drop.

I wouldn't even say about lifts.

Doteycat · 21/11/2023 17:29

Honest to god, its very simple.
Dont lie, dont BS dont make an excuse.
Next time the subject of school comes up, just say politely, Cmere, i hope you arent basing any of your school choices on me being available for lifts, I wont be, so honestly, dont factor me into your decision at all.

penjil · 21/11/2023 17:29

billy1966 · 21/11/2023 14:50

Correct.

There are people like this, that just because they think something will suit them, it will happen.

15 years ago an elderly neighbours daughter whom I would know to say hello to as I was out walking, and whose mum I knew a bit better because I would pass her house out gardening and would stop and talk about the weather, came up to me in the park after school had reopened in September.

She told me she had been looking out for me as our boys were now in the same school and she would appreciate it if I would drop her child to school in the morning after she had dropped him to her mums, and dropped him home afterwards.

Completely unbelievable.

I told her very calmly but very firmly, "absolutely not
I have 4 children of my own and had no intention of being involved in the logistics of anyone else's child EVER".

She replied "that leaves me very stuck, as I was depending on it"....

Unbelievable.I did a 🤷🏻‍♀️

I told her I had to go and left the park quickly.

I studiously avoided her and her mother for a long long time.
Clearly batshit entitled.

We had NEVER even spoken about her only childs schooling, as I didn't really know her.

Yet she had thought through her mothers vague association as a neighbour I could be roped in for her school runs for 7 years.

Batshit.

Show quote history

Blimey, that's totally batshit.

And what would happen if you're not going straight home after school, you're going shopping, or to visit someone, or your children have clubs or sports etc ?

Why do people think others are at their beck and call?!

DragonFly98 · 21/11/2023 17:35

oepeabsin · 20/11/2023 13:18

Thanks all for replies.
I have no idea how to broach this with them and DH says not to worry until it happens..but then he's not really involved as he's not available for school runs and most of the time is not there for the play dates.
Our parenting styles are also v different, in that they are happy for an iPad all day and not doing anything, no boundaries etc and we are not like that at all. I'm not judging them, it's just not a fit with what we do

Of course you are judging them iPad use has nothing to do with school pick ups. Also your dh being a safe guarding lead not relevant. And the dig at their mental health was unnecessary.

MikeRafone · 21/11/2023 17:35

They've mentioned a few times about after school clubs being tricky with their working hours

so you say - gosh, what are you going to do, how are you going to manage that?

cakewench · 21/11/2023 17:37

I disagree with those saying to give a specific reason why you can't. Just say you can't. Giving any reason why just invites people to start explaining how they can fix that aspect and that it's still a great idea.

You have several valid reasons why you don't want to, so just say sorry, it won't work. If you bring up 'because you're so far away' you will almost certainly be countered with some lovely offer of them leaving her at your house for a couple of hours and they can pick up in the evening, or something crazy.

There will always be a counter to whatever reason you give, so just cut all that off. Imo.

LlynTegid · 21/11/2023 17:44

Better to say you cannot do this now instead of later.

wildwestpioneer · 21/11/2023 17:51

Wait until they bring it up again and simply say 'you can't commit to school runs for other children' and leave but at that, change the subject.

gemma19846 · 21/11/2023 17:52

It sounds unlikely that she will get in the school anyway if shes not in the catchment. Id just say "i really cant commit to taking your daughter too as i already have to juggle our school runs with family"

Namchange101 · 21/11/2023 17:54

Yep just make it clear now. We got into a situation with a family who love a couple of doors away. It started out as “let’s help each other out on the school run if we need it” and they were very helpful when DH and I had Covid, taking DC to school. However it turned into them asking DH to take their child to school every week and it was becoming too much. Especially when the Mum doesn’t work and they have a home help lady coming in every day to help her around the house with her 2 younger DC. We only ever asked them to help in emergencies. The last straw was when DH spotted the Mum strolling past our house on her own with a coffee just after he’d got back from
dropping her child at school 😬
If you go ahead and agree to it, you will end up regretting the decision, I guarantee. The fact that they live 20 mins in the opposite direction is a great get-out clause. Use it!

Libra24 · 21/11/2023 17:55

These people sound like the type to ignore your messaging and tell you it's fine. Then be asking you for favours unexpectedly.
We cant make it today, emergency had come up, could you just....
Would our DD be able to come home with your DD for tea as we are running late?
I just think if they are this way inclined you have to be on your guard.
Be honest with them and don't worry too much about hurting their feelings.
We're all adults.

Seelybee · 21/11/2023 18:02

'Just in case sharing school runs is important to your decision about a school - I'm really sorry but we can't do that as it wouldn't fit in with our work and childcare arrangements. Hope that helps you to decide.'

MumTeacherofMany · 21/11/2023 18:04

I'd just say "don't base your decision on us as my Mum will often be doing school runs etc" that's it.

Cowhen · 21/11/2023 18:14

I like @NotLactoseFree 's wording:

"oh, I don't think we'll be looking to make any long term or permanent lift club arrangements. we've already got so many things to take into account with my mum's availability and work and after school activities. Definitely don't factor us into your planning for that."

Hangingintherejust · 21/11/2023 18:15

Doteycat · 21/11/2023 17:29

Honest to god, its very simple.
Dont lie, dont BS dont make an excuse.
Next time the subject of school comes up, just say politely, Cmere, i hope you arent basing any of your school choices on me being available for lifts, I wont be, so honestly, dont factor me into your decision at all.

I agree with @Doteycat, they will probably be able to find "solutions" to any valid reason you have. If you say it's not convenient with them being 20 mins in the opposite direction, they could offer to drop DD to you at 8am etc. Suggest she looks at childminders if she's choosing the school (and gets in).