To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

As everyone else has said, distance yourself from the CFs! “That doesn’t work for me” is one of my favourite phrases - my in my head version is a variation on “not my circus, not my monkeys” or “your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency”. There’s friends you put yourself out for and then there’s everyone else.

OP, I agree with others who have advised that this needs nipping in the bud right away. Just remember, you will have dealt with more difficult situations than this previously and no doubt will do so in the future, so you CAN do this.
Also, do you think the other parents will be taking your familiy's feelings, needs, situation etc, into account the way you are doing theirs?They definitely won't be. They sound like they are CF's
Their working/childcare situation is not your problem or responsibility. I would have hated to commit to this and would only have been resentful if I had. (I'm not saying you would be resentful towards them or their child, but it's worth considering...that would not be a nice experience for you or anyone else)

My advice would be to tell them in no uncertain terms that you wouldn't ever want to have this agreement with anyone. It's not something you've ever considered previously and you're not about to. You don't have to give any reasons, so don't. They'll only latch onto them anyway. Just make it really clear. The worst case scenario is that DD doesn't see as much of the other little girl, but that's a small price to pay.

Sorry to hear about your dad, OP

On the "hints" about lifts I'd bring it out into the open and ask nicely how she's planning to get her DC there since it's quite a distance. If she then says something about car shares, that's your opportunity to reply "I'm afraid that won't work for us"

No need to elaborate, make excuses, hide away or make things more complicated; just be kind but frank and shut this down

I think when the next hint is dropped ask a clarifying question - doesn't have to be anything blunt or confrontational. Just don't let her hints hang in the air - you have to address it. "Have you thought how difficult the traffic would be at that time of day? Why would you choose to use a car when you have a school in walking distance?" etc. Have a proper talk about it. I think verbally better than text as then she won't stew once receiving it.

I agree with nipping this in the bud asap.

I'd also be looking to cooling this 'friendship' as it doesn't sound healthy for either of the girls .
That your daughter is , in effect, ring fenced from her other friends is not on.

I suspect mum realises this and is wanting to ensure that her daughter goes to the same school as her only friend.

Stick up for your daughter and put a stop to it

Good luck.

The lift issue apart, I’d definitely be looking to avoid the scenario where the other child stops your more sociable child from making new friends at school. I had this issue when my son started reception. An existing friend of his joined and did everything he could to prevent my son from playing with his other friends. It was incredibly frustrating to see. In the end, I had to get the teacher involved to keep them separate during class time, and keep reiterating to my son that he could play with his other friends.

People like this don’t get the message unless you’re very blunt and clear. So if, for example, you said you wouldn’t always be available, they’d take that to mean you had some availability. They need to absolutely know clearly that you will never be available to help in this way.

Turn it around. Assume she's offering the transport and say innocently that even if the children go to the same school, you won't need her help in getting your daughter to school as you've got it all sorted.

Years ago I was in a choir and one of the others who lived not far from me was always expecting me or others to give her lifts to the places we were performing (not our rehearsal venue). So when she approached me before a dress rehearsal, I was prepared. "Are you going to the rehearsal on Friday?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. "But I don't need a lift as I've already been offered one." I'd already arranged it with a friend.
My neighbour in the choir was most amused.

She's asking for a huge commitment from you!
I think just tell her you simply can't commit to that
You don't have to justify your decision
Tell her as soon as possible though

Tell her it doesn't work for you, you can't commit to her plan and she needs to make other arrangements. You don't have to explain anything.

I'd be blunt.

"I hope I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but you seem to be suggesting you want to apply to the same schools so that we can lift share. I just want to make it clear from the outset that we don't have any intention of doing that, especially since we don't live close to each other. If I've misunderstood then please ignore this message as I don't mean to cause any offence, I just don't want there to be any misunderstanding!"

I think your best way forward is to be honest from the get go in terms of the logistics just not working for you, OP.

And they don't, do they? On your days it would add massively to your route and on the days your DM does it it's really just not fair to lump her with someone else's child.

I don't think there's anything wrong with heading it off at the pass. It would be easy to raise in a text by saying you've been considering your own arrangements around work hours etc and as they'd mentioned sharing you wanted to make it clear now that that wasn't going to be possible, so that they have time to consider alternatives.

If they do end up applying anyway and you're worried about the child being too much, raise it with the teacher. We had to do this in reception as another child wouldn't allow DS to play with anyone else and they subtly separated them. They see this a lot, I'm sure.

I do think you'll feel better for taking the bull by the horns rather than waiting to see how it pans out as if you wait they could accuse you of not saying anything earlier, which wouldn't be your fault but why give them a reason to draw you into drama? Being upfront and unwavering will sort this quickly.

Just state you can't share school runs due to the fact they are the opposite direction, end of. Perhaps add you have childcare lined up

I agree with the few others who say you’re worrying over nothing.

This is not your problem.

This is their decision to make. You have not encouraged it. You have not agreed to anything. They have been dropping continual hints which they stone-cold know you have not been agreeing to.

If they can’t get their child to school easily, it’s their problem to solve. Not yours.

They can’t force you to take their child.

IF (and it’s a big ‘if’), it comes to them getting into the same school as you, AND them actually coming out and asking you to
help with drop offs, then you say no.

If they get irate, you express mild surprise and say, ‘but we never agreed to help / share drop offs. We wouldn’t have because it doesn’t work for us. I hope you sort something out’.

End of issue.

This is suitably to the point without being unpleasant. It also doesn’t sound much like sharing school runs; more like you providing a free taxi and childminding service!

I've never done a school run Op but I do know a CF in the making when I see one. If she's going to be a problem (and I think she is) then you need to sort this rather than let her make assumptions, the longer you leave this the more likely it is to all blow up in your face when you say No. Your DD may like her DC but I'm sure there's other children at the school your DD will get on with, surely it's better not to let her be tied to one friendship?

@Plmoknijbuhv "So much easier to deal with this upfront before school applications go in, than put your head in the sand and it is potentially a massive mess at a later date."

But it wouldn't be OP's mess. She's not responsible for the other parents' presumptive actions so it would be their problem to solve.

OP could say "a couple of things you've said lately suggest you might be thinking we could share school runs. Please don't choose a school on that assumption, because we really wouldn't want to make that commitment"

I had a mum like this when DD was at nursery. I spotted it early and looked up a local school that was consistently undersubscribed and told her I'd applied to that one. She got in of course and by then I'd already got an acceptance to our local oversubscribed school (tbh she likely wouldn't have got in there on distance). It dealt with the problem nicely for me and we never saw them again once the dcs moved on to primary school.

When I feel like I’m getting backed into a corner, I say I don’t know what my plans are, please don’t rely on me.

That's what I was thinking! Or the school is too far from your house, how will you manage. Then they will definitely drop hints at which point you will say you can't commit to looking after somebody's child for 6 years. Also your mother will be doing most of the pick ups and she certainly doesn't want to look after another child. DD will also have clubs after school, dental, GP appointments, choose and try on her own clothes when you take her shopping, generally a mix of lots of planned and unexpected events.

They will definitely expect you/your mother/childminder ("do you have one? Brilliant, we can share her!") to look after their DD until they return from work and they come to pick her up. You will have to feed her/give snacks. You wan't be able to hear your DD read her reading book as the friend will dominate, go to a birthday party, a restaurant, family event you name it as it will always be "you can certainly take our DD with you!". It's a lot worse than you think!

They will definitely expect you/your mother/childminder ("do you have one? Brilliant, we can share her!") to look after their DD until they return from work and they come to pick her up. You will have to feed her/give snacks. You wan't be able to hear your DD read her reading book as the friend will dominate, go to a birthday party, a restaurant, family event you name it as it will always be "you can certainly take our DD with you!". It's a lot worse than you think!

This doesn’t make any sense to me.

They can ‘expect’ all they like. So what? Doesn’t mean the OP has to do anything….

You will have to…

What? No she won’t. She doesn’t have to do anything.

I'm not sure why you are panicking about this as you say 'they are way out of catchment' so they won't get in anyway. Maybe, if anything, point out that if they put schools they are not in catchment for then they will miss out on places at the ones they do like and are close to.

Agree with everyone else. You need to say very clearly: this will not work for me.

I do think you do need to make it clear you're not up for sharing the school run under any circumstances before they've put in an application. If you don't I suspect they're the sort who will turn it back onto you and try to make you feel guilty as in
"Well you let us place Mary at the same school as Martha,we assumed as you hadn't said anything we were sharing the school run. You've put us in a really difficult position"

Maybe worth highlighting how awful traffic is at the beginning and end of school day and gosh you wished you had a school in walking distance blah blah. Our school runs already take ‘X’ time etc

you definitely need to broach the subject, and kill it. Now