To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

I'm curious about those hints. As they haven't asked directly, say nothing.
If they then ask, just say 'can't, it would another hour a day in the car for my child, doesn't work for us.'
Them ignore.
They'll either get over it or throw a tantrum and sulk off in the sunset.

If you lived on the same street they could emotionally blackmail you a bit more easily. But you can't be expected to double your journey twice a day just to indulge them!
Everyone works and has tricky hours, you look at schools that can accommodate that, not other parents!!!

”You do realise that the extra hour of travel time each day would probably end up costing you more than after school care, right? I haven’t even begun to consider adding in my own professional rate as well, which I would absolutely have to do, as I would have to quit my own job to facilitate this plan you appear to be skirting around. I think you need to reassess and find a solution more practical for you, as I rather like my job.”

Oh dear, yes they sound really weird :/ maybe do not accept other playdates for a while? Make sure your DD is busy and that she is just not available… Repeat, until they get it.

What are you going to do, @oepeabsin ?

Hell, no.

I would nip this in the bud and say you won't be-able to help with school runs. Very cheeky with the dad saying they helped out with pick up/drop off with their older child. Definitely sounds like a hint for you to help.
I had this when my DD started primary school. (Very long time ago)Thought I was helping but realised I was being taken advantage off.
Stopped all help, and wised up to this.
Fingers crossed, the other child will go to a different good school. Don't worry about it buy you need to make it clear and stand your ground.

Maybe lay it on thick what a lovely school their local one is and few hints about how tight drop offs will be for yourself. If this doesn't work, just say sorry be won't be able to share it, can't commit. X

A few people have said to talk about what a good option the school closet to them is. I know this is tempting but I wouldn’t do this. It still implies that you are in some way responsible for their child’s welfare and their choices.

Yes, this. And I don't imagine your Mum would want to be involved in picking up somebody else's children either, I'm a granny who does some school runs and wouldn't want to do it.

I would just tell her now that you won't be sharing school runs with anyone else so not to base her school choice on the possibility of both children going to the same school and therefore travelling together.
Repeat every single time she brings it up.
If they end up at the same school and she starts on about it again just say that you have already told her several times that you won't be sharing school runs so you can't help.
And stick to it.
I think this has the potential to be an absolute nightmare going forward, therefore you absolutely have to get your boundaries in place, tell her those boundaries and stick to them.
That's it. If she then chooses to go in a huff about it then that's her problem. She can't say she wasn't warned.

Since they've been hinting, I'd go with:

Hi x, how's it going with deciding on schools? Just wanted to let you know that we won't be able to do lift shares, in case that affects your decision making. I still can't get over how fast they are growing up that we are choosing schools! Xxx"

Done. No drama.

Wtf do I say?

"Hi . I know you are thinking of applying to school. I think it is only fair to tell you now that if * gets in I will not be able to help/share pick ups and drop offs. It quite simply won't work around our routine and I cannot commit to that and disrupt the routine including with my mum. I'm sure you understand."

I would just stop meeting up with them and let it fizzle out. Take your daughter to activities when she can meet and play with other children x

Any daughter that added another child to a grandparents caring load, would be a complete CF in my view and deserves to have services withdrawn sharpish.

Sorry but I don’t agree with how you bring their parenting styles into it. What has “they let her sit on an iPad all day and we don’t parent like that at all” got to do with it?
To me it sounds like you just want to seem superior to this other parent, plus what have their mental health issues got to do with anything?
No need for a long post. Just say no and off you go?

In the nicest way possible; this sounds like a non issue. You don’t want to share drop offs, so just say that. If she gets offended, which is unreasonable as it’s out of your way so that alone is reason enough to say no, it’s not the end of the world as it Sounds like you don’t particularly like them that much anyway.

I would say, "hi friend, we still aren't decided on schools yet. To be honest most schools are in the opposite direction to your house and I'm not able to commit to pick up and drop offs. Just letting you know now so you have time to find a more reliable way of dropping and picking up."

Tell them that there’s a possibility that your work maybe changing and you won’t be able to do flexi. Say that your mum is going to be picking DD up from school or that you’re looking into child minders to collect after school. Or tell them that you’re thinking of sending DD to a private school then don’t mention anything for ages. If it comes up after they have sent their DD to another school then say you changed your mind. They most likely will not get into the school you apply for if they’re out of the catchment area.

Why complicate things by making up various scenarios?

Why not just be honest and say that it is only fair to let them know now that you will not be able to share drop off and pick up? That it doesn't suit their routine including with Grandma who helps with pick up?

I just don't understand why a bit of assertive honesty is so impossible!

I agree with this.
Once you start making up scenarios the other person can start thinking up ways to make those scenarios work for them and then you're still faced with having so say no.
"My Mum will be picking up DD from school"
"Oh, could she pick my child up too and look after her for half an hour or so until we get home from work"
"My Mum can't manage more than one child"
"Oh but mine is no bother and it won't be for long and it's only twice a week"

"We're looking into child minders to pick up after school"
"Great, maybe the child minder could pick up both of our children"
"Er........"

See what I mean? You end up having to keep explaining and coming up with excuses.
Just say no, you won't be sharing lifts. It doesn't work for you.
No excuses, no reasons etcetc. A polite but assertive no will suffice.

I now live in a German-speaking country and although I found the flat out "no" they give when you ask them to do something very abrupt at first and it took some getting used to having come from the UK, I really appreciate it now.
If I ask someone if they can do something and they say no, that's fine. And similarly I feel like I can say a clear no to something I don't want/can't do without having to come up with random excuses or explain myself.
I mean we don't just say "No.", full stop, it would be part of a sentence, but without the wishywashiness.

Can you dump them? Your daughter is quite young to have real friends and they don’t sound like they’re your friends. I’d make excuses to stop seeing them.

I wouldn't worry, schools are struggling for places inside their catchment area, so anyone outside is unlikely to get a place...besides there's power in the word no. "What time are you collecting my daughter?"..."I won't be collecting your daughter I have my own commitments" being cf's

OP, your gut feeling is where your boundary lies. It's there for a reason. Whether or not you maintain that boundary is your decision.

Best to make it clear to parent sooner rather than later that it won’t be practical for you to commit to this arrangement due to added times pressures and possible last minute emergencies that may occur that upset plans, so there won’t be any possible unpleasantness later on.
Make it clear you are quite happy dropping off & picking up your own daughter when you are able & your mother enjoys picking up her grandchild on the days you can’t, so you don’t want to upset current arrangement. Say you will be happy to organise occasional play date, which would be more of a treat to the girls, a daily thing would get boring & tiresome for both, but don’t base your school application on assumption you will be able to supply child-care, as you cannot commit to that.
You can also suggest she looks into childminders near school/home who cater for your school & can look after her daughter for up to a few hours after school - she can get a list of childminders from local council. I think it’s a bit cheeky of her asking you to collect her, maybe it’s because she wants to further foster the girls’ friendship, but her strategy could suffocate it in long run, it’s good for kids to mingle with various children to form social skills, and also to spend time alone after school or doing homework- a constant ‘guest’ would become a nuisance after a while.

What's the mental illness comment meant to mean? Dont bother telling them unless you've vaguely agreed to do the school run when it's been mentioned.