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Original poster

Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

168 replies

DjBloke · 20/11/2023 08:43

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 08:56

It sounds like it’s very much your turn! I agree, please don’t use a misogynistic aspect of your culture (or your culture as you see it) to pass responsibility over to your sister.

It should be shared equally as much as possible. Ignoring your sister’s pleas for help is very much not reasonable. Sounds like your sister has been prevented from making a life of her own by having your Mum all these years.

This is your job to do now though- very much not to be passed on to your wife!

Or you pay for care.

SerpentEndBench · 20/11/2023 08:56

Your sister is not wrong, it is your turn.

You have made it your problem by being unsupportive and very unkind to your sister over the decades.

You can 'send her back', cut her adrift, she will have to find a new home and all that entails on her own. This would of course be a cold and callous action, reprehensible, but there you are.

wokbun · 20/11/2023 08:57

hotcandle · 20/11/2023 08:54

Ignore the responses above OP. Women hate men on Mumsnet so you're going to get very harsh responses.

Nobody is responsible for their elderly parents. Nobody. In a perfect world we would all have the time and space to look after them when they become elderly but life doesn't work like that.

You can send your mum back. Does she have money to pay rent on her own place?

OP can't "send her back" send her back where? She's not a parcel.

MassageForLife · 20/11/2023 08:57

This is a MASSIVE cry for help from your sister (assuming this isn't a reverse). Clearly she's out of options and you have no interest in actually communicating - you just make assumptions and because you are happy with the status quo, do nothing at all.

Time to take on some of the responsibility. Your sister deserves a long break. Very long. Years.

MrsToothyBitch · 20/11/2023 08:57

Well your sister has stated her position and it sounds like she's at the end of her rope. If your mum is showing memory deterioration you need to get her registered with a gp and assessed asap. If you send your mum back to Leicester it doesn't sound like your sister will take her and I can see why.

If you are not in a position to care for your mum then sheltered accommodation or a care home may need to happen. You need to discuss with your sister whether London or Leicester would be better for this for both of you and agree exactly what help your mum needs - your sister has the experience of caring for her already. You also need to chat to your mum and sister about financing a solution- what are your mums assets and if you think her memory is declining, have you the relevant POAs in place should she become unable to make decisions? Even if your sister wants out, you should discuss these things so you all know where you stand.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 20/11/2023 08:57

the sister tried this and he ignored her

wokbun · 20/11/2023 08:58

SerpentEndBench · 20/11/2023 08:56

Your sister is not wrong, it is your turn.

You have made it your problem by being unsupportive and very unkind to your sister over the decades.

You can 'send her back', cut her adrift, she will have to find a new home and all that entails on her own. This would of course be a cold and callous action, reprehensible, but there you are.

Exactly. If you'd helped your sister out when she was asking you wouldn't be in this position now.

AgentProvocateur · 20/11/2023 08:58

Brava, Sister! You’ve been a crap brother and a crap son by all accounts. Elderly care isn’t just ‘women’s work’. Time for you to step up and do your share.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 20/11/2023 08:58

Does your mother NEED actual care at this point, or is it an expectation? By that I mean, is she mobile . Can she shower and dress herself? Can she cook and feed herself? Is she continent & how is her cognitive function?

The answers would determine for me whether your mother could live by herself or need a care home .

Either way, although I am with your sister 100%, your next steps would be to contact her home council, social services and GP and have your mum declared homeless or vulnerable or whatever the actual situation is.

Meantime, while that’s going on, you do what’s needed for your mum, or more likely , judging by your post, pass it off to your wife.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 08:59

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 20/11/2023 08:53

There is no reason that you should be obligated to have your mother live with you, but your sister is similarly under no obligation either. As such, speak to the housing team in Leicester and declare your mother homeless. They will have to step in and provide accommodation. Whilst it sounds very cold and you will both (you and sister) have to live with that decision, that is your only other option.

This.
Neither of you have to take your mother on, especially as her lifestyle seems quite incompatible with yours.
Also, this might irk many folk, but your sister cannot force you to take the same level of responsibility as her - if she's had enough, then that's understandable, but she cannot also force that burden on you.

Lochness1975 · 20/11/2023 08:59

This has to be a reverse

coathangerwire · 20/11/2023 08:59

Did you ever talk to your sister and ask if this was a responsibility she wanted? Or did you just assume she would do it?

In my personal experience, caregiving of parents often falls primarily to one sibling by some kind of weird default. Often it can be the brothers who assume the sister/sisters will do it.

It sounds like your sister has turned the tables and just assumed you'd take this on, just like you assumed the same of her for the last however many years. Not very nice, is it?

You might not see eye to eye or be able to have a relationship but you will need to discuss this as a family and come to a solution for your mother. You can't just 'return her'. She's not an Amazon parcel.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/11/2023 09:00

It’s your turn to take on the responsibility- not necessarily keeping her living with you, but making the necessary arrangements for her.

You were wrong to assume your sister would do it forever.

And your mum isn’t a parcel, as PO said. Ask her what she wants. Ask her what it’s been like.

Nowhere in your post do you say anything about your mum and sister’s feelings or needs or circumstances.

Who has paid the mortgage, what care does your mum need…

It sounds as though you walked away from them after your dad dies and forgot they existed.

Woman2023 · 20/11/2023 09:00

hotcandle · 20/11/2023 08:54

Ignore the responses above OP. Women hate men on Mumsnet so you're going to get very harsh responses.

Nobody is responsible for their elderly parents. Nobody. In a perfect world we would all have the time and space to look after them when they become elderly but life doesn't work like that.

You can send your mum back. Does she have money to pay rent on her own place?

You think the previous responses were harsh? Fuck me Confused.

FiveShelties · 20/11/2023 09:01

Your poor Mum, in the unlikely event that this is true of course.

redskyanight · 20/11/2023 09:01

Well, your sister has clearly had enough.
But "dumping" your mother on you is not the right answer either.

If neither of you wish to care for her (and I don't agree that children should have to care for their parents particularly, as seems to be the case here, there are strained relationships) you need to make other arrangements. Perhaps you should take the lion's share in sorting this out, as your sister has done all the work so far?

RailwayCutting · 20/11/2023 09:02

hotcandle · 20/11/2023 08:54

Ignore the responses above OP. Women hate men on Mumsnet so you're going to get very harsh responses.

Nobody is responsible for their elderly parents. Nobody. In a perfect world we would all have the time and space to look after them when they become elderly but life doesn't work like that.

You can send your mum back. Does she have money to pay rent on her own place?

The fact that your solution to this is to send the mother back to the sister tells us all we need to know about how sexist you are.

FlipsSakeMum · 20/11/2023 09:03

You don't have to look after your mother. It's only because you are male that posters are frothing. Otherwise they wouldn't expect you to look after someone you don't want to. Lots and lots of Mumsnetter are low contact with their mothers. It's totally normal.

If you had worded this differently they would 100% be on your side.

There is also an element of competitive frothing. Once it starts posters try and outdoor each other. It's very funny.

It was your sisters choice to look after your mother.

It would be tricky to declare her homeless but if you don't want to look after her that looks like your only option.

(If any of this is true 🙂 )

SherbetDips · 20/11/2023 09:03

Well done to your sister!! Standing up for herself and giving you some of the responsibility you’ve been shirking this whole time.

AuntMarysPinny · 20/11/2023 09:04

I really hope this is a reverse and the sister wrote the OP...so she can see how much support she has! Good for her, fighting back against the patriarchy!

MondayMorningMadness · 20/11/2023 09:04

If your sister doesn’t want to look after her, that’s fine but you’re not obligated to look after her either. If your sister has done it for years, that’s on her, she didn’t have to.

You didn’t have a great relationship with your mum, why the fuck would you have her living with you?

If my brother dropped my mum here, who he has chosen to indulge for years, but now doesn’t want to because she’s getting older and more of an issue, I’d tell him to fuck off. No way would she be living here. 😂

RailwayCutting · 20/11/2023 09:05

hotcandle · 20/11/2023 08:54

Ignore the responses above OP. Women hate men on Mumsnet so you're going to get very harsh responses.

Nobody is responsible for their elderly parents. Nobody. In a perfect world we would all have the time and space to look after them when they become elderly but life doesn't work like that.

You can send your mum back. Does she have money to pay rent on her own place?

Oh yes, anyone who thinks men shouldn't dump all parent care on their sister and ignore pleas for help definitely hates men. 🙄

Viviennemary · 20/11/2023 09:05

I don't blame your sister. You have given no help or support. She might be entitled to help with care costs as it will be her finances taken into consideration not yours.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 20/11/2023 09:05

You lost me at 'female bond'
Your sister has sacrificed her whole life to be your mum's companion and now carer. (Although she does seem to have got a house out of it so who knows) but you have been ignoring requests for help for years and now you're reaping what you sow.

In relation to legalities of the house - was it your mum's house to start with? On what basis did she live there?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 09:05

As a PP said she’s not a parcel. She can’t just be “sent back” with no where to go.

You will need to step up and at least find out what is required to get some paid care.