Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

[DjBloke]

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

Sounds like sister desperate for help and not getting any.

You can't just dump her back at sister's you have to come to an agreement of how you will help so sister will agree to have her back or look into social care.

Standing applause for your sister.

I bet the OP doesn't come back now he has been told how unreasonable he is.

I wonder the the sister had the mother babysit her kids and now her usefulness is used up?

Well, both you and your sister have a problem - neither of you want to care for your mother. So, between you, you make arrangements for her care. You can't just keep pinging her to each other's homes.

You make the necessary phone calls/send the emails/start looking at care homes/investigating how the finance works.

And think about your own old age too, and start planning for this to happen to you!

Step up and take care of your mother. It's not ok to ignore your sister because you are A Man and this sort of thing is beneath you.

She's every bit as much your mother so pull your head out of your arse and deal with this.

There are options other than her living with you if that is not a viable option for whatever reason. A retirement home for example. You can contact social services. If your mother doesn't have money to pay then they deal with that and do an assessment. They will help a homeless elderly woman whose children refuse to help her or house her.

There's no reason at all that you can't step up just because you're male. Your sister hasn't been taking care of your mother with her vagina.

#teamsister.

Or the sister is quite rightly fucking pissed off at the fact she is the one who has had to care for THEIR elderly mother alone because the OP is a giant sexist asshat

How the fuck did you turn the sister into a villain here!?

You need to talk with your sister. Approach her with understanding and sympathy and acknowledgement that you haven’t behaved brilliantly. Jointly decide what to do about your mother and her care needs and make sure you do your part in sorting it all out.

Yabu it's your turn

Yup, well done that woman! I and countless other females have been in this position. It is beyond shit. Its 'countless others' because they do it silently and the responsibilities increase incrementally but hugely and crippingly. No one offers to help and when you do ask for help you have to do all the mental load to facilitate that help so its often too much of yourself to ask never mind others.
This poor woman must be desperate to act ad she had. She'll likely know this is not a practical solution but as you have ignored it so much this should open up a discussion at least. At the very least let your mum stay for a while and give your sister the break she so badly needs.

Grow up OP. You dumped the entire responsibility on your sister and she hasn't been able to have a life because of it. Is IS your turn, at the very least to sort out care for your mother if she can't live with you.

Well you shouldn't have ignored her. Ask social services for help. Is it a council property they live in? If your mum moves out your sister will have to as well. Her name won't be on the tenancy agreement.

Team sister here. Quite right that she's sick of your sexist attitude and damn right it's your turn. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your mum isn't a package to send back like an unwanted gift.

Good for your sister!

As a daughter with a brother who thinks calling his mum once a fortnight and visiting once a year is enough, you need to step up.

You don't have to have her live with you, but maybe you can start the social services ball rolling, you can help her with housing, you can run her to those appointments. You can help her with care she needs until you have arranged for her to live independently if that's what is best for her.

I think your sister is at the end of her tether, she's also seems to have missed out on having a life for herself. I am sending - but to your sister.

There another active thread called, 'Being roped into caregiving' from a females perspective and the responses are very different.

I get a feeling this OP is intended to wind up the wimmins via a faux cultural excuse, not to mention the mysoginistic echoes.

Good for your sister

Don't pass the work onto your wife, you do it

You’re not obliged to look after her, you don’t have a good relationship anyway. Your sister wasn’t obligated either, more fool her. There is no way I’d have have her living with me.

Call social services.

Are you this goady stunningly selfish in everything, or just where your mother and sister are concerned?

You think that there's nothing unusual about your sisters life because "it's normal for Asians". Guess what? It isn't normal for Asian son's to piss off and abandon their elderly parent(s) without a care in the world just because they have differnt "lifestyle choices".

Paybacks a bitch, ain't it???

Are you a bit thick? He says she's never had a partner but you think she's got a bunch of kids at home that's she's been making her mum look after until she's too old to be useful?

Because its a different situation

Just to get this clear-

You fucked off and left your sister to care for you mum, ignoring her requests for help.

You are now angry that she has done the EXACT SAME THING?

I'm also Team Sister! You've ignored her and the situation long enough and she's, finally, going what's right for her to have her own life. It's more than time for you to step up and do your share, however that looks. And that doesn't mean leaving your mother's care in the hands of your (rightly) reluctant wife nor any other females in your family because of any "female bond" you've concocted to get out of doing your bit and taking some responsibility, however that looks. 🌹