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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

168 replies

DjBloke · 20/11/2023 08:43

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 20/11/2023 15:37

"(she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way."

What to do? Step up.

You've dumped everything on your sister for years. She's had no life of her own. Your turn indeed.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 20/11/2023 15:39

RattlewhenIwalk · 20/11/2023 08:50

Just because you're the son it doesn't mean you can abrogate your responsibilities. Your sister seems to feel that's what you've done and is calling quits on her input.

However, dumping your mother on you and your poor unsuspecting wife with no advance warning isn't fair either. You and your sister need to discuss jointly with your mother what her care arrangements are going to be in the future.

Edited

The sister had asked for help, he just didn't think it was an issue that he needed to do anything about because of 'female bond' Hmm

I imagine she must have reached breaking point to do this.

WearyAuldWumman · 20/11/2023 15:43

ZenNudist · 20/11/2023 08:54

You need to get your mum into a home. If your mum transferred her home to your dsis then they might look into deprivation of assets depending how long your dsis owned the house and if she paid mortgage.

Do not have her in your home because the local authority will happily leave her there. She needs respite care in a nice home preferably near you where you can visit her. I'm surprised your dsis hates her mum this much, sounds like a story not something that happens in real life.

It doesn't sound like the sister hates the mother at all: it does sound as though the sister is suffering from caregiver burnout.

WearyAuldWumman · 20/11/2023 15:50

pickledandpuzzled · 20/11/2023 09:00

It’s your turn to take on the responsibility- not necessarily keeping her living with you, but making the necessary arrangements for her.

You were wrong to assume your sister would do it forever.

And your mum isn’t a parcel, as PO said. Ask her what she wants. Ask her what it’s been like.

Nowhere in your post do you say anything about your mum and sister’s feelings or needs or circumstances.

Who has paid the mortgage, what care does your mum need…

It sounds as though you walked away from them after your dad dies and forgot they existed.

Agreed. What would the OP do if his sister were to die or fall ill?

I was my late husband's carer. I got bad news from my doctor one time, so I phoned his adult daughter to say that - if anything happened to me - she and her brother would need to organise care for their dad.

I only wanted to hear "Don't worry - we'll make sure that he's okay." (I knew that they wouldn't care for him at home.)

The response I got was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

Thankfully, I recovered. When I got the all-clear, I phoned the daughter, but reiterated that, in the event of anything happening to me, their dad wouldn't manage on his own. (He had hemiparesis following a stroke.)

Her response this time was "But you're all right, aren't you?"

I realise that there's a school of thought that children don't owe their parents anything, but it's strange that those who take that attitude are often those who are keen to see what's in the will for them.

WearyAuldWumman · 20/11/2023 15:53

FlipsSakeMum · 20/11/2023 09:06

I wonder the the sister had the mother babysit her kids and now her usefulness is used up?

OP says that the sister has never had a partner. Seems that she's been expected to stay at home and look after the mother.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/11/2023 15:57

Good for your sister
She has asked for your help which you've ignored so now you need to do your bit

Vistada · 20/11/2023 15:59

This is a wind up surely

WearyAuldWumman · 20/11/2023 16:08

Allfur · 20/11/2023 11:37

Why didn't she look for a partner

It sounds as though she wasn't given the opportunity to have a life of her own. The OP left the family home when the sister was only 8 and she's been there ever since.

Mycatmax · 20/11/2023 16:29

Well I am assuming this is a reverse rather than a stupid wind up...

Well done OP, your brother has been selfish, but so has your mother if she has expected you to take care of her your whole life.

I hope you get the chance to live life to the full now, and your DB takes on responsibility for making arrangements for your mother. I would block him on everything and go on holiday for a couple of weeks after changing the locks, so he can't guilt trip you into taking her back.

PirateQueeny · 20/11/2023 17:02

I’d be fed up with you if I were her. Maybe she went about it in the wrong way but, let’s be honest, it sounds as though you’d have told her to eff off if she’d have suggested your mum moving in. This probably seemed like her only option.

Tumbleweed101 · 20/11/2023 17:10

Your poor mum.

What support does she need? Is she capable of living independently or does she need significant care?

You need to talk to your sister and see what support they both need moving forward.

ACynicalDad · 20/11/2023 17:27

How did your sister get sole ownership of the family house, in my mind that comes with responsibility for your mother, unless you got a cash sum to balance it. But you need to step up and at least provide respite if you aren't to tell Leicester council she's homeless.

Mycatmax · 20/11/2023 17:54

ACynicalDad · 20/11/2023 17:27

How did your sister get sole ownership of the family house, in my mind that comes with responsibility for your mother, unless you got a cash sum to balance it. But you need to step up and at least provide respite if you aren't to tell Leicester council she's homeless.

OP hasn’t said his sister lives in the former family home.

Just that she owns the home his mother lives in.

ohdamnitjanet · 20/11/2023 18:00

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 20/11/2023 08:51

Fair play to your sister, she’s sounds fucking excellent.

As far as how you should handle this, Grow the fuck up firstly. You’ve ignored her because she’s a woman and you’ve decided this is woman’s work so she’s resorted to this. Your sister is not the one in the wrong here

Indeed she does!
I’m sorry for the mother but she has more than one child, one of which deserted his family less than a year after she was widowed without a single glance back. Selfish fuck.

BaileysCoffeeCreme638 · 20/11/2023 18:07

It seems that your sister has lived & cared for your widowed mother for 20+ years

Your sister must have been at breaking point to have left your mother with you

If your DM cannot live with you, then I suggest that you engage social services to help you.

Do you have power of health & financial attorney in place for your DM ?

Does your DM receive state pension and or benefits

You will need to organise accommodation, food, GP etc

It is indeed now your turn

Goodluck

KatBurglar · 20/11/2023 18:28

"I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have"

Let me translate that for you, @DjBloke :
"I thought the problems would go away if I ignored my sister long enough because that's woman's work anyway."

Female bond, my arse.

I want to throw your sister a liberation party.

ALongHardWinter · 20/11/2023 18:57

Sorry,but you sound like a typical man/son/brother who thinks it is the woman's responsibility to do the parental care. Good on your sister,I say.

Greenpolkadot · 20/11/2023 19:46

Good for your sister.
If you send your mother back and there are tenants in the property ( as your sister said she might do )..then you do realise you will be point of contact for an abandoned elderly woman.

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