Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

[DjBloke]

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

You let your sister take on all the burden with no life of her own, no chance to find a partner, no chance of independence, because you saw her life being one of duty and drudgery and servitude. You saw her as less worthy than you of a having a decent life. She asked you for help and you turned your back on her.

Women aren't domestic slaves. Good on her. It IS your turn, so suck it up buttercup. Don't you DARE try and take her back and force your sister into that role again so you can swan about without a care in the world. If you don't want your mum living with you, then YOU sort out what to do, without defaulting back to that misogynistic stance of 'it's wimmins work'.

You let your sister take on all the burden with no life of her own, no chance to find a partner, no chance of independence,*

Why is any of that his fault?

Why didn't she look for a partner

I don't think it's because the op is male

I think it's because the OP expected the women to look after the mum and refused to engage with the sister at all because he thought it women's work

it sounds like the mother needs to go into a care home or sone kind of she can't look after herself , and it will be a council one if there isn't money for private

If he had helped a little with that process is suspect things would not have got to this stage

There is nothing to suggest that the mother transferred the house to the sister - just that she's lived there a long time with the sister. Honestly, it's no wonder the sister has never had a partner with her deeply religious mother ensconced in her house for decades. I think she has well and truly done with the mother living with her and wants to seize some joy for herself.

But why can’t he get in touch with the council? She is with HIM right now.

Why does the mother need to go back to the daughter’s house?

And you think you are ‘perfectly balanced’ 😂

Ok mate might be time to return to pistonheadscom

So you think you get you absolve yourself of providing any support and letting your sister do all the care just because you have a penis? Is this for real? I’m not saying your mother has to live with you but by your own admission you knew there was an issue and just chose to ignore it when you and your sister could have worked together to develop a solution that works for everyone. Instead you just left her to it and she hasn’t been able to have any sort of life or a family of her own.

It should be 50/50. Good for your sister for waking up to this.

#teamnobodyshouldbeforcedtotakecareofanolderrelative

• long, but you get the idea.

Because you need a connection to the LA that you are claiming care/housing needs in. The Council will refer her back to Leicester. Communication is going to be a nightmare because they will try to get out of responsibility. The Mother's GP and pension/benefits will be at the DD's address.
OP your start is adult SS. Unless there's been a sale at the true value of the home (or it was your sister's from day one) that could be complicated. Your sister will have to state that your mother is now homeless because of the legal/funding/placement side.

Quite rightly handed your arse on a plate OP!! Step up!

I doubt she would find a partner willing to take on her elderly (now with care needs) highly religious mother as well as her! Plus having caring responsibilities doesn't give someone much time or opportunity to go partner hunting. Now if her brother had just once or twice helped out so she could have the odd holiday.....

Why does the mother need to go back to the daughter’s house?

Because that's her place of residence and where all her connections are.

She won't qualify for council support in an area where she's never lived.

So her son can get her council support.

It’s the least he can do.

I think some people are missing the point OP. You sound like you haven't stepped up to help BUT - your sister has never left home and has now seemingly been gifted your Mum's house - now your Mum is elderly she dumps her on you. I'm sorry but your Mum gifting your sister the house was clearly in the expectation she would look after her in old age - foolish but correct. Your sister can't now renege on her side of the bargain. You left home and it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with your Mum. I don't think children owe their parents care. I would look into care homes OP and your sister may well have to sell the house to pay.

Well done to your sister, why should she have to give up her life to care for your mother whilst you get away scot free. She is your mum too and maybe now you need to take some responsibility. Your sister also deserves to live her life just as you have. Stop being selfish and do the right thing.

OP never said his sister was gifted the house.
The house his mother lived in was owned by his sister.
What he's trying to say is he wants a judge to force his sister to take their mother back because she's lived there for so many years and therefore she has that right.
Another way to shirk responsibilities.

Did you miss that the Op has said the mother has lived for decades in her DAUGHTER’s house?

Do you not think he would have said his mum gifted the daughter the house if that’s what happened?

I generally assume that long improbably posts like this, particularly where OP never returns or comments are AI generated crap.
Possibly posted by DM "writers" looking for content - I can't bring myself to use the word Journalist in the context of DM.

Your sister repeatedly asked for you to help over the years and you ignored her because of sexism. It’s your turn to find a solution now.

I hope your sister is off partying, answering only to herself, taking long baths, eating her body weight in expensive chocolates. Her life starts now, whilst you've had yours. The answer is "suck it up, it's your turn"

Surley this is a reverse? This is your mum too. Your sister is not obligated to take responsibility for her forever just because she is a woman. She has been asking you for help and you have ignored her so she has come to the end of her tether. If you don't want your mum to live with you then you will need to find a care home for her.

@Squeezita but she won't qualify for council support in the new area. You can't just turn up in a random town and demand the council help you.

If the sister is no longer willing to help (which is totally fair enough) then the mum needs to go to the council in that area and present herself as homeless.

That poster is sexist so thinks it's women's work