Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

[DjBloke]

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

You are probably right. Probably some saddo women hater.

And 'female bond'!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Aw, think of all the quality time you'll get to have with your mum before it's too late.

What kids? As far as the brother is aware, she has been single all her life.

Well, you have to stop ignoring the situation now. The first thing you need to do is start looking after your mother (I assume you and your wife are doing that?) And the second thing is to talk to your mother and sister and come to some sort of reasonable arrangement about your mother's care and accommodation. Something that doesn't overburden either you or your sister.

Not seeing eye to eye with your mother on lifestyle isn't really relevant any more. Your mother is an elderly dependent lady - you say she needs a caregiver - and you are an adult who doesn't need her permission. You and your wife set the limits for religious observance in your own home, supporting your mother's own observances while not letting your mother dictate yours. And yes, it will take some patience and diplomacy and compromise.

Your mother is just as as much your responsibility as your sister's, and if your sister has had sole responsibility for all these years and you haven't helped her even though she asked, it is very much time for you to step up and start helping.

You might want to go over to the MN "elderly parents" boards for more practical advice and support.

Funny how you ran away from/disagree with the family culture but are happy to rely on it when it means somebody else doing the caregiving.

It’s your turn. That doesn’t have to mean your mother lives with you. Speak to the council and find out your options. Don’t you dare send her back to Leicester like an unwanted parcel. Take your turn.

Does the sister have kid? Didn't see them mentioned either way, but op said the sister had never had a partner. I know that not nessercerily a barrier, but as no kids are mentioned, it seems unlikely given the cultural background & deeply religious mother.

"I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have"

Wow.
Naively is too small a word.

It is your turn now. You can find a solution. The solution might be for her to live with you or it might be to find a care home or rental property but it's your turn to do the leg work. You can't just "send her back". You need to step up and be a decent human being.

So your attitude to your sister is crap - but neither of you actually have to look after your mum, she is an adult and responsible for herself.

If I rephrase your op, leaving out your sister-

I don't get on with my mum. I moved out of home when I was a teenager and have had minimal contact with her since. Now she has arrived on my doorstep and told me she is staying with me and I need to care for her! What should I do?

Then it's obvious that most replies would not be telling you that you need to look after your mum.
I don't know why your sister never moved out and never got on with her own life, and you really should have supported her to do this many years ago, but now it's all come to a head. Your sister has made it clear that she is not continuing so you need to make alternative arrangements for your mum.

It might be more helpful to people who share your culture to describe it beyond "Asian" and the faith at the heart of "being religious". Your mother may wish to be in contact with whomever is her usual faith leader and talk matters over with them.

There's obviously a need for a conversation. It might be difficult to enforce that given the lack of prior relationship.

Just don’t do it. My view is that adult children do not have to look after their parents, whether you’re a son or a daughter.

I won’t be doing it, I don’t have a good relationship with my mum so why would I. If my sibling wants to, thats their choice but I won’t be doing any of it.

If you’re sister has done it through duty but didn’t want to, she’s been a twat. That doesn’t mean you’re not obliged to do it.

Ach the mother son bond is much stronger surely

I can't see it being any trouble at all for a strong intelligent capable man to look after mother

*That doesn’t mean you’re NOW obliged to do it.

That is true. Very very true. I'd be amazed if a son genuinely abandoned his mother. It really isn't the cultural norm.

If this is real. IF. I would be so upset if you were my husband and you were like this with your family. Absolutely awful. Step up and find somewhere suitable for your mother for fucks sake.

Look at some legal advice as to how the house in Leicester is your sister's, not your mother's. Your sister has presumably been benefitting from living in the house, as well as caring for her mother.
Unreasonable of your sister to dump mother on your doorstep but perhaps should have helped out more over the years. Although, perhaps sis has been more than happy with the set up until mother needs extra care and she 'can't be bothered' now.

You do know a penis doesn’t get in the way of caring for others right? And a ‘female bond’ doesn’t make it easy or easier.

Im afraid you have been taking out of the caring bank, without putting anything back in, and your overdraft has reached its limit. It is indeed your turn now.

Whether you choose to do it or not is up to you, but your sister has done way more than her fair share so it’s not down to her. It’s your problem now.

Of course there might be more to this. You’ve alluded to her being deeply religious and being very different. May be you were low contact because it’s an abusive or toxic relationship. May be your mum had some mental health issues. If any of this is true then it might not be best for her to live with you and your family, if it could have a very detrimental effect on your well-being, however, that still doesn’t mean your sister should. It then becomes a matter of what other support can be put in place.

I think your sister may have done something a bit dramatic here, and I feel for your mum, but she asked you for help and you ignored. She deserves her life too and she’s sacrificed more than enough if it. Over to you now to hold the load in whatever form that takes.

Good on your sister.
You sound like a totally pathetic selfish person.
It is your turn indeed.
Grow up

It would be repectful and logical to look after your mother for a while. You need to get to know her needs and what your sister's burdens were in looking after her. Only then will you be qualified to start the conversation with your sister about your mother's care needs.

It is your turn to research options of care nearby to you.
Discuss with your sister and make choices.

Your sister needs to live for herself for the next twenty years and make up for lost time.

Neither your sister nor you are obligated to provide care for your mother. I would say the only exception to this is if your mother gave money or property to you or your sister with the express agreed intention of it being in return for looking after her in her old age.

this thread posted Today @ 08:43

@lesdeluges had it nailed by 9.11am. Well done

Hurray for your sister!
You can now see what she has managed for several years with minimal input from you. I hope your bond develops.

A huge* *pat on the back for your sister!
If I'm correct, she's turned 40 this year? Her to turn to live life by the sounds of it.

Did your mum ever desert you whilst bringing you up?

Sounds like you need to suck it up and do right by your poor old mum.

It sounds to me (well there's no sounds like about it) She's obviously and understandably got fed up. The poor women must have had no life of her own.

@JustHereWithMyPumpkin
"FlipsSakeMum
I wonder the the sister had the mother babysit her kids and now her usefulness is used up?"

Are you a bit thick? He says she's never had a partner but you think she's got a bunch of kids at home that's she's been making her mum look after until she's too old to be useful?

Are you a bit of a patronising and a bit nasty? Because I think you might be.

It's possible for the sister have had kids without being in a relationship, it's also possible for you to disagree with people without being rude.