Sister dropped off mother to mine, saying 'my turn'

[DjBloke]

Hi,

Needed some urgent advice here. I am a 50-ish man, 2 college kids, who moved out of my mother's place in the mid 90s, less than a yr after father unexpectedly passed, so it was just her and my sister, who was 8 at the time, and they live in Leicester.

Now, i admit, I haven't visited as much as I should and kept a distance as we never saw eye to eye on lifestyle. She is now in her late 70s, and still lives with my sister, who is 11+ years younger. We don't really have a relationship, but she has been her primary caregiver and has never left home since birth, since 1983 (being Asian, this isn't unusual, especially for girls).

She has never had a partner either, as far as I'm aware. Cut to now, our mother is in ailing health, and randomly turned up outside my place a few days ago with packed bags. There was a long email from the sister, who said she was 'burdened' and felt like she was 'stuck' looking after her etc.

Now legally, she solely owns the property in Leicester, so our mother doesn't actually have any legal rights to stay there, or does she, given the many decades she lived there?

My sister said she would change the locks and even move tenants in, and is even willing to give up living there herself, as she feels i have been 'ignoring the situation' (she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way.

I think sending her here out the blue is not on, and have been making plans to send her back to Leicester. I know it sounds harsh, but I certainly don't want her to live with me / my family, and her even being here is already stressful (she's deeply religious). I wouldn't be able to afford a caregiver / carehome fees anyway as I have rented in London for decades/COL etc.

What to do?

This, and remember your Mum spent years of her life caring for you. Your sister deserves a medal but you offered her no help or support. Now you do your bit.

Come on now, you know it's the son (or more accurately his wife) that usually looks after the elderly parents in Asian families, not the daughter.

You've clearly not helped at all so now yeah, it is your turn. There's lots of Asian care homes in Leicester that could be a nice setting for her, but you'd need to fund it. Why would your sister need to bear all the costs?

I really hope this is a reverse.

I disagree with most posters. It's not your responsibility to care for your mum that you don't see eye to eye with and don't get on very well with, any more than it's your sisters job. She has allowed your mum to live with her all this time and dumping her at yours without even consulting you beforehand or any thought to how your mum would cope being moved out of the home she's lived in for decades shows just how caring she is - not!

It's understandable that your sister might be struggling and finding it too much but that's not your fault, you didn't tell her that she had to live with her mum up till now. What she should have done is either contact SS and see what help she could get or make your mum homeless and get her housed that way. But of course that would make her look bad and so it's much easier to just dump her on you now that it's not working out for her any longer.

I think you need to take your mum up to your sisters, get social services involved and sort something out between all of you. It's always worth being there and being kind and supportive to your kids otherwise you have no right to expect them to be there for you in any way when you need it.

The sister is single with no kids.

Caring for your children that you have chosen to have have is a basic parenting expectation, and not something that should be done for reward.

OP's sister was not obligated to look after her mother, any more than OP is. She chose to do so.

Well looks like you’ll have to ‘do something’ now.

Call adult Social Services and get the ball rolling for care if you can’t do it.

In the meantime give your sister a break for once.

Time to step up and be a decent son and brother.
Your sister deserves to live independently and find joy.
It sounds as if your Mother needs specialist care so speak to social services and Medical professionals & get her the help she needs. Don’t expect your wife to do it for you this is your responsibility no one elses

Oh and ‘female bond’. That’s classic. If this thread wasn’t so sad I’d nominate it for classics just as a perfect example of misogyny.

I’m South Asian and I think YABU.

Not only do you sound sexist and lazy, it also sounds like you’ve got eyes on your sister’s property.

Your sister has sacrificed her life for your mum. You need to take your turn taking care of your mum.

You have grown up kids they’re not an excuse.

If this is a reverse, YANBU and we’ll done for making your brother step up.

Why does mumsnet always resort to claiming seixsm and misogyny. @hotcandle is right the responses are so harsh and now she's getting shitty responses for a perfectly balanced message. It's so tiring. Unhelpful to the Op aswell.

How is saying sending the mum back to the sister a ‘perfectly balanced message’?

Fair play to your sister I say!

There's no reason why caring for your elderly mum should be all on her, while you get on with living a nice life. Caring shouldn't be all "wimmins work".

Hell, it sounds like finding her a nice care home to live in would be a kinder option than shipping her between her two children, neither of whom want her.

Yabu, I’m glad that your sister is finally looking after herself. She has literally devoted her life to looking after your mum as you said you never contributed and she has never had a partner and kids either. I feel as she said it’s your turn though to try and work out this situation really.

You don’t have to look after your mum but it’s now your responsibility to sort something out like you can get social workers involved, I have no idea how these things work but if she has no money to pay for care and none of you can afford it either, then they may be able to do something.

Sadly not surprised at how many people have leapt in without reading the OP properly.

The sister stayed when the brother left home because she was 8 years old when it became just her and the mother. She probably never had a relationship because she was stuck living with her mother, presumably with caring duties.

She did try on multiple occasions to have a conversation with the brother, as we are told in the OP, but was ignored, so suggesting that there should have been some form of consultation prior to sending the mother to the brothers wasn't possible - because the brother refused to respond.

There are certain telling phrases in the OP. The one that really stands out to me is she did ask for help before here and there over the years, but honestly I thought it wouldn't be an issue, maybe, naively, because of the female bond they would have) and because this is the first time I've seen her react this way. Of course she's not reacted this strongly previously, she's been trying to do things the right way. Clearly it's taken this strong reaction for the brother to take things seriously in the first place.

She's just asking, it's a good thing to ask if it's a possibility given that the Op has posted here for help. It's like people responding bounce off each other and don't read the Op properly.

I can actually see this from both sides

Your sister is probably exhausted, feeling abandoned and desperate for support. She will have been carrying a lot of responsibility for a long time and has made personal sacrifices to do so. Good on her for doing something about it.

however.

What is the context for you having little to no relationship with them? If your mother has been toxic then anyone, son or daughter, has the right to stay away and guard your family against that.

I hope you all find something that works for
you, and your mum gets the care she needs.

You need to show your mum and sister some compassion. If you had done this previously you might have found that with some support your sister might have been able to continue care for your mum.
As it is you have a mother and sister in need of help. Step up come up with a plan with your sister that is in your mum's best interests and doesn't put all of the burden on your sister
Neither you nor your sister are obligated to look after your mother but his doesn't mean it is ok to completely ignore situation hoping someone else will pick up and sort out the pieces.

Step 1 send your sister a note so say sorry for ignoring her calls for help
Step 2 get a needs assessment on your mother
Step 3 find an appropriate place for her to get those needs met whether that is with you, with your sister, a bit of both or in facility appropriate for her needs.

In case you were wondering mothers and daughters and not intrinsically linked with some age defining bond. I am one of 3 daughters and we all have very different relationships with our mother. One of us is good at the warm and fuzzy, one of is good in a crisis and "gets stuff done" and one falls into the caring role. It is only when we combine together that we reach do the best for my parents. You are your sister need to stop working in isolation and together bring your strengths and do the best for your mum.

What is the context for you having little to no relationship with them? If your mother has been toxic

No indication of toxicity or abuse at all in the OP, just says he didn’t see eye to eye on lifestyle with his mother. I would imagine he has had little relationship because he didn’t want to share the responsibility - seems pretty clear given he ignored his sister’s requests for help over the years.

But we don’t know what was going on there.

for example of OP was gay and DM was deeply homophobic would they be expected to look after her? OP would have been 19/20 when they left from the sounds of things so I doubt it’s a decision taken lightly.

I might be wrong but I also think there’s a loooooot of reaching here.

And completely agree that even if OP doesn’t take care of their mother, they could at least support the sister in finding appropriate care

Brilliant. Your sister has finally reached her limit. Shes put her life on hold to live with and care for your mum and, despite asking for help from you over the years - which seemed to have been ignored- shes dropped her off at yours for your turn. Your not happy with this but ok for your sister to do all the hard work?! Sheesh 🙄

She said ‘women on Mumsnet hate men’. How is that ‘perfectly balanced’?!

It's true so I'd say yes

My mother was the main carer for her mother and disabled brother. My aunt who moved away done nothing. Visited once every 3/4 years. When my grandmother died mum took over looking after my disabled uncle, when it got too much (dementia) he was put in a home. You couldn’t begin to imagine the arguments this caused from my aunt. The person who had done NOTHING all those years. No life herself. Even though we are/were low contact I still looked after he/both so mum could go away and have a break. No help from my brother or cousins. Every annual leave I had was to look after them- and I was the only one with small children at the time. The emotional stress is massive!

There's another thread running at the moment where there's a sister in a very similar position to you and most of the replies are along the lines of "you're not required to care for your parents".

It's interesting that when it's a man involved, the responses are very different.

I actually don't think it's your responsibility and if your sister doesn't want to do it anymore (or is no longer able) then she needs to get in touch with the council.