To think preferences should be taken into account?

[SuiGeneris]

So: we are spending Christmas with MIL, as every year. Every year she orders a turkey etc and everyone is expected to have some of that and the vegetables. The children and I don't like turkey, so we mostly eat vegetables and just have the smallest decent slice of turkey possible, for appearances' sake.

Yet I do find it odd that no attempt is made to try other things we might dislike less. After all, judging from supermarkets, there are plenty of alternatives people consider and it is well-known none of us like eating meat. We are not vegetarian but just don't like it that much. DH takes the view the kids need to be exposed to Christmas traditions and I am a grown up so can work around the turkey.

Is turkey really such a big deal for Brits? Surely if it isn't a treat it would be better not to have the kids associate Christmas with a meal they have to endure?

Or AIBU and we should just put up with it, after all it is only one day?

YANBU
I think it is incredibly rude as a host to prepare food that you know will not be enjoyed by most people. And Xmas "tradition" is no excuse either.

But then I suppose it is more important for me as a host to make sure my guests are happy rather than adopt a my way or the high way approach.

I think there's a big difference between hating a food item and it not being your favourite. If you can eat a small amount of turkey it suggests it's the latter.

@stickypoint It’s not clear if MIL is aware it’s not enjoyed.

When my family spends Christmas Day at my home I always ask what they would like as meat.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable, me and my husband in our respective childhood homes always had turkey but now in our own home when we cook Xmas dinner we skip it! Neither of us are that fussed by it, we don’t dislike it but there’s many other foods we’d rather have so now we vary it, last year we did an Italian style and this year our five year old has asked for Mexican food! I’m sure at some point over December we’ll do a roast dinner style (and if we go to relatives over Xmas then sometimes we have a late Christmas dinner on Boxing Day if that’s their plan) but at home we choose as a family what we prefer.

My little boy understands the tradition of people eating turkey etc but also that it’s not “not a Christmas dinner” if we don’t have it. We still decorate and set the table together, have crackers and games etc so I don’t feel he misses out not having turkey.

@SuiGeneris What would you eat instead given the choice ?

Honestly, we've been hosting for years as we have the bigger house. I'd be so insanely grateful if someone hosted us for once and I didn't have to do the cooking!
It's only one meal a year and turkey is very traditional. I'd just be thankful you can sit back and relax!

It isn't dry if it is cooked properly. Unfortunately many people don't.

My DH always thought it was dry because of the way he had it at family meals. He couldn't believe the difference once he had it cooked properly

Roast dinners were a weekly Sunday staple of my 80s/90s childhood. Unfortunately, whilst my mum has many wonderful virtues, cooking isn't one of them, and her roasts were notoriously bad.

She would cycle between chicken (okay) to lamb (tolerable) to beef (bad) to pork (inedible).

My poor older sister, who has since got an autism diagnosis (that wasn't a thing for girls in the 80s/90s), found the weekly roast an absolute nightmare. And because our parents were of the "eat it and be grateful!" type, she'd swallow lumps down whole, as the sensory aspect of fatty, stringy meat was intolerable.

Once we got to be teenagers, we started rebelling against the food standards. My sister would get sausages or breaded fish with her roast, and we switched to chicken for the Christmas meal, as it was a meat we could broadly agree on as a family.

To this day, sister will only touch chicken out of the roast meats, and only the white meat. The others are no-go. I'm better generally, but still won't touch pork, and am definitely wary of beef.

Time to start putting your foot down OP. Or staying at home.

Sister and her partner have spaghetti bolognaise for their Christmas dinner these days! Neither are enamored by roasts, and are both fairly absymal cooks anyway.

If you host you choose. Otherwise suck it up

Lots of people don't eat turkey and eat other things for Christmas.
You could always offer to take some new dishes to try.

There is nothing more annoying on Mumsnet than an OP who disappears with open questions, so:

(1) there are reasons that would be too "outing" to set out as to why the kids don't eat roasts or sausages (meat or vegetarian). Being fussy isn't one of them: they actually have a pretty varied and healthy diet that includes favourite dishes from many countries, Britain included, but not meat.

(2) MIL is aware we don't eat much meat but we don't make a big deal of it because we don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she does decide to serve meat. If it gets served (as it will) we just take a small helping. All of us do, children included. And of course we don't comment about it, as that would be rude.

(3) the cultural question is very relevant because, as this thread shows, for many people in the U.K., not all of them, but clearly a sizeable proportion, questioning turkey at Christmas is problem. In many other countries there are multiple traditional foods and people are therefore less attached to any particular option. Here too there are multiple options but there is a greater proportion of people who serve turkey and see it as the food that characterises Christmas lunch.

(4) again for reasons that are too outing to describe beyond what has been said, offering to host, which I would very happily do, is not an option.

(5) what would I serve instead of turkey? If a roast is required, perhaps salmon with all the usual vegetables and roast potatoes. If not, maybe serve more substantial canapés and then have smoked salmon, other smoked fish, some crudités and dips on the table alongside a smaller turkey so that everyone can help themselves to what they prefer. This is not about depriving anyone of what they would like, just about taking everyone's preferences into account.

(2) MIL is aware we don't eat much meat but we don't make a big deal of it because we don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she does decide to serve meat. If it gets served (as it will) we just take a small helping. All of us do, children included. And of course we don't comment about it, as that would be rude.

Good background, OP. As you’ve seen, though there are variations, turkey is very embedded as a key ingredient of Xmas meal for many.

With my family, the above point would be key. A traditional Xmas lunch has so much part of it that isn’t meat, I can well imagine that someone who vaguely knows that you “don’t eat much meat” would find plenty to enjoy, especially as she knows you aren’t vegetarian. But I think you’ve kind of shot yourself in the foot here by not clarifying your preferences - or your DH clarifying them for you. She may well genuinely think all is well. If it were me, I’d want to know that you’d really appreciate some cooked salmon or extra smoked salmon to add into the meal, and I’d be fine to do that. But it would be “too much” to ask her not to serve turkey - presumably she and your DH both really like it and it’s very traditional.

I don't enjoy Turkey, especially the darker meat from a Turkey, so I never cook one. It's pretty tasteless. Chicken is only marginally better. But if I went to someone's house and they were doing the cooking I would eat it and not actually complain.

Having said that, when I am at home and doing the cooking, We usually have Beef Wellington or occasionally goose, if I can get one. But I should say, we usually go out for our Dinner on Christmas Day, and Beef or Salmon are often options on the restaurant/hotel menus, so not a problem

I agree with you though @SuiGeneris - If MIL knows you aren't keen on meat, especially turkey, it seems a shame that she doesn't also provide an alternative. Most people I know would want to serve food options which everyone could eat

@Spirallingdownwards how do you cook it so it isn't dry?

Smother with seasoned herby butter, cover in bacon and wrap in foil for most of the cooking.

It's much, much earlier than that. Turkey has been in the UK since iirc the 1500s, and has been standard for Christmas dinner since the 1800s.

1950 was when Bernard Matthews decided to cash in on it.

It is quite common in the UK to have smoked salmon as a starter to a Christmas meal.

So with your update, maybe the way to make this more palatable is bring along some nice packets of smoked salmon to serve either as a starter, or alongside the turkey- so the DCs don't spoil their appetites before the main course.

Do you not take any contribution to the food/drink when you go? As the same person is hosting every year, it is polite to offer to bring something

Not being unreasonable to not want to eat something you don’t like but YABU if you want them to scrap the turkey altogether to try something new. I would just send a message as a heads up that you will be bringing an alternative to dinner, your kids can have the turkey or alternative which ever they fancy, MIL can have her turkey surely then everyone is happy. Your DH said about traditions, well the kids can see there’s a turkey and can choose it if they wish. A tradition is great yes but doesn’t mean it’s the law everyone has to eat turkey (although I couldn’t have a Christmas dinner without turkey lol)

YABU to expect her to provide an alternative, her house, her choice of foods. If she’s forcing you to eat it that’s different but it doesn’t sound like that. Maybe just say ‘is it ok if I bring (insert alternative of your choice here) on Xmas day, with me and the kids preferring not to eat Turkey’?

YANBU. It's not really a treat if most of the guests are not enjoying it!
As for the cultural connection - I'm quite certain Turkey is an American adoption and Goose or duck were much more common Xmas dinner birds in the past.

We have duck as half of my family is Danish and that's the norm, but we also love it. If we didn't fancy duck then roast pork or salmon would be pretty normal too and occasionally we'll have one of these on another day around Xmas. I once hosted a couple of vegetarians at Christmas and the only addition needed was a nut roast (their request) and some meat free gravy because there are always plenty of different side dishes in addition to the meat. It's not hard to take your guests taste into consideration.

Personally I would ditch the MIL altogether and just have Xmas at home. You can eat what you like, sit around in your PJs and your kids can aren't being dragged away from their presents.

There are a number of ways. One is to stand it in an inch of stock as you roast it and cover with foil so that it is in effect steamed and roasted concurrently. A Delia method does the same with orange juice which is lovely and doesn't actually give an orange flavour but brings out the flavour of the meat.

We normally have 2 meats at Christmas Dinner eg gammon and turkey. I think it's polite to have a small portion of turkey if someone is hosting but if I didn't fancy much turkey I'd just ask the host ( my mum) for a bigger portion of gammon. I think you should suck it up for one day of the year but if it really bothers you bring your own.

Apologies if its been asked already but what would your MiL do if you were a full on veggie? I usually share Xmas meals with vegetarians and they just whack in a couple of veggie pies from M&S and have the trimmings with that. It's easy to swallow for just one meal I guess (bdum-tish) but it just seems easily solved and you're not asking for loads.

We have beef Wellington as my DD hates Turkey. It’s wonderful! You shouldn’t have to eat Turkey if you don’t want to.