Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think preferences should be taken into account?

294 replies

SuiGeneris · 19/11/2023 22:38

So: we are spending Christmas with MIL, as every year. Every year she orders a turkey etc and everyone is expected to have some of that and the vegetables. The children and I don't like turkey, so we mostly eat vegetables and just have the smallest decent slice of turkey possible, for appearances' sake.

Yet I do find it odd that no attempt is made to try other things we might dislike less. After all, judging from supermarkets, there are plenty of alternatives people consider and it is well-known none of us like eating meat. We are not vegetarian but just don't like it that much. DH takes the view the kids need to be exposed to Christmas traditions and I am a grown up so can work around the turkey.

Is turkey really such a big deal for Brits? Surely if it isn't a treat it would be better not to have the kids associate Christmas with a meal they have to endure?

Or AIBU and we should just put up with it, after all it is only one day?

OP posts:
Completelydonechick · 21/11/2023 19:03

https://fb.watch/osK573Kul4/

definitely cultural 🥴

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 21/11/2023 19:15

We never do turkey.

I'd bring another option if that's what you want. Tell your DH his tradition doesn't have to be your tradition.

RainbowNinja77 · 21/11/2023 19:17

Turkey is a massive part of a British Christmas tradition. I’m vegetarian, so I’m not bothered about it at all. If I went to my MIL’s for Christmas, I’d take my own thing, not expect her to cook something for me on top of the biggest meal she will cook for a year. Christmas dinner is a huge deal to families and to prepare. Roast your own beef and take it along or better still, buy a veggie alternative and add to the meal she cooks.

Buffs · 21/11/2023 19:18

YABU. it’s one dinner, it’s traditional, teach your children how to be gracious guests, eat it appreciatively and smile.

RainbowNinja77 · 21/11/2023 19:22

SuiGeneris · 21/11/2023 11:15

There is nothing more annoying on Mumsnet than an OP who disappears with open questions, so:

(1) there are reasons that would be too "outing" to set out as to why the kids don't eat roasts or sausages (meat or vegetarian). Being fussy isn't one of them: they actually have a pretty varied and healthy diet that includes favourite dishes from many countries, Britain included, but not meat.

(2) MIL is aware we don't eat much meat but we don't make a big deal of it because we don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she does decide to serve meat. If it gets served (as it will) we just take a small helping. All of us do, children included. And of course we don't comment about it, as that would be rude.

(3) the cultural question is very relevant because, as this thread shows, for many people in the U.K., not all of them, but clearly a sizeable proportion, questioning turkey at Christmas is problem. In many other countries there are multiple traditional foods and people are therefore less attached to any particular option. Here too there are multiple options but there is a greater proportion of people who serve turkey and see it as the food that characterises Christmas lunch.

(4) again for reasons that are too outing to describe beyond what has been said, offering to host, which I would very happily do, is not an option.

(5) what would I serve instead of turkey? If a roast is required, perhaps salmon with all the usual vegetables and roast potatoes. If not, maybe serve more substantial canapés and then have smoked salmon, other smoked fish, some crudités and dips on the table alongside a smaller turkey so that everyone can help themselves to what they prefer. This is not about depriving anyone of what they would like, just about taking everyone's preferences into account.

This is an absolute ‘no’. Sorry. Fair enough to wanting the type of ‘meat’ portion of the meal changed, but changing it to crudités and dips - just no. On Christmas Day you have a roast dinner. It would be hugely jarring to replace that. I will have nut roast or similar instead of meat, but no one would feel like it was Christmas if the whole roast element of the meal was changed.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 21/11/2023 19:37

Cook the meat you prefer & take it with you

saffy2 · 21/11/2023 19:43

My partner likes turkey, I hate it. If we weren’t together I wouldn’t buy it for Christmas. We have turkey and beef, so that we are both happy.

Phoenixfire1988 · 21/11/2023 19:46

We don't like turkey so do gammon and beef instead , turkey is a pretty bland boring meat .
Maybe do yourselves a small beef joint or just have the veg if you don't like turkey you shouldn't have to eat any I absolutely despise sprouts and if someone told me I had to eat some because its tradition I'd tell them to get stuffed

NoPaintedPony · 21/11/2023 19:50

I was emotionally blackmailed into hosting my parents for a week over Christmas even though they only live 4 miles away. Both would expect to be waited on hand & foot constantly. Only allowed to eat their style of food, watch their TV programmes etc. My in-laws would also come for Christmas Day.
I am & have been vegetarian from a very young age, just never liked meat even as a child.
Even though none of the parents contributed in any way (labour/financially etc) we were only allowed turkey. I told my mother that I would be cooking a nut roast together with the turkey she threw a fit as it would taint the taste of the turkey. It got to the point where I had to hide my dinner plate from her & only bring it to the table when she was safely sat down. She would get emotional to the point of tears if I refused to have turkey on my plate.
She now wonders why we go away over Christmas.

Ilovecleaning · 21/11/2023 19:52

I don’t know how people don’t like turkey. It’s quite a plain, bland meat. I usually serve it with ham/ gammon and sausages , bacon. Why not offer to buy and cook these to serve with the turkey?

kneehightoacat · 21/11/2023 19:53

I don’t like turkey. It seems a faff to me. Prefer beef or gammon.

I don’t eat a lot of meat either. A turkey is wasted on me.

i would strongly urge you to break away next year. Tell MIL you want xmas at your home

Rosejasmine · 21/11/2023 20:21

I’d put up with it if I were you, your dh is right. Have something you really like on Boxing Day and indulge your MIL on Christmas Day. YABU

Harls1969 · 21/11/2023 21:21

Reminds me of one of the Royle Family Christmas specials where Barbara asks the family if the turkey was ok and they all say no. So she says she doesn't think she'll get one next year and they all say 'What? No turkey on Christmas Day?" 😂. We all actually like turkey though

Eskimal · 21/11/2023 21:22

My mum is Irish living in the UK and she would accommodate anyone, as would I. At one time or another one of us (we are four siblings) has brought a stay friend or two home for Christmas… people with no family in this country, friends from uni who live overseas but couldn’t get a flight home, people with no money etc. Almost every Christmas has had a few unexpected extras… Christmas is about family and sharing. We go very light on the presents and big on there being something for everyone. She’d buy their favourite tipple or a vegan option if they were vegan (might have to be a supermarket ready prepared if she’s not got much time) etc

some people are set in their ways, some aren’t.

Danielle9891 · 21/11/2023 21:34

I'm not huge on turkey so I bring my own Ham joint, roasties and pigs in blankets to my MILs on Christmas. It helps her out as well. I feel bad her doing all the work so I do a few things to help her out.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/11/2023 21:37

But what about MIL’s preference?
She and DH and probably Fil like Turkey, why would your preferences override theirs? ESP when it’s a traditional meal and to many, esp older generation, it wouldn’t feel like Xmas without a Xmas Turkey. Be a more gracious guest and encourage your children to do the same.

Fluffybunniesandkittens · 21/11/2023 21:47

My DCs didn't like turkey when they were little but they ate it every Christmas because they were told that it was a really big chicken. When we told them that they had been eating turkey all of their lives, they realised that they actually do like it.
I eat turkey throughout the year on sandwiches and at a carvery.
Christmas is the only time that I cook turkey and Easter is the only time that I cook lamb. Therefore if I invite someone for Christmas Dinner, then that is what I am serving on Christmas day. If they don't like Christmas dinner then they are welcome to decline my invite. Any other time of the year, I am happy to invite people and ask what meal they would prefer and cook something that everybody likes.
If someone invites me for a set meal I would politely decline if it's something that I don't like.
It's the difference between being invited for a meal and the menu being open for discussion, and being invited for a set meal. As in, "hi DMIL I am cooking a curry tomorrow and there will be plenty if you want to come for tea"
"Thank you very much but I don't like curry so although I appreciate the offer, I will decline"
As opposed to, "hi, would you like to come for tea?"
"Sure, what are you cooking?"
"Whatever you and we all like".
I would not want to impose on a host by making things more difficult for them.

maddening · 21/11/2023 21:50

I have pasta for Christmas Dinner- may as well enjoy it I say.

Cheeseplantalltheway · 21/11/2023 21:54

Yanbu. My mum is vegetarian. I can't imagine hosting Christmas dinner and not catering for her!

Wellhellooooodear · 21/11/2023 21:56

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 19/11/2023 22:41

I never understand the obsession with having turkey at christmas because compared to every other meat you'd have on a roast, its crap.

I think it's probably because of the size and it feeds a lot of people. I will say though that turkey is only dry when not cooked properly. I love it.

Talipesmum · 21/11/2023 22:05

Cheeseplantalltheway · 21/11/2023 21:54

Yanbu. My mum is vegetarian. I can't imagine hosting Christmas dinner and not catering for her!

Probably though she’s told you she’s vegetarian, rather than just eating bits of meat to be polite, and confusing matters.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 21/11/2023 22:09

Wellhellooooodear · 21/11/2023 21:56

I think it's probably because of the size and it feeds a lot of people. I will say though that turkey is only dry when not cooked properly. I love it.

Show quote history

I didn't mention turkey being dry. Well cooked turkey will just never compare to well cooked beef or lamb.

pollymere · 21/11/2023 22:20

I have turkey with gammon and pigs in blankets. You barely need to have any turkey in my house. I suspect that MIL is also cooking your turkey to dust. I cook mine for half the time my Mum did! It usually only needs 20mins per 500g.

Maybe suggest having a gammon as well? Or help with the cooking so it's edible? Or bring a gammon or pigs in blankets?

Cheeseplantalltheway · 21/11/2023 22:23

@Talipesmum that is true. Strangely she doesn't tell her friends though, and does exactly that - eats bits of meat ( that she doesn't like) to be polite!

Miisty · 22/11/2023 00:49

Husband bought a very large frozen Turkey even though this year only 2of us At last I thought Ivan have what I wanted a roast chicken I’ve slowly gone off Turkey but this would keep him going for over2weeks let alone get it in the oven don’t know what he was thinking off All children ate Turkey at home now they have beef or gammon as don’t like it