Page 8 | To think preferences should be taken into account?

SuiGeneris · 2023-11-19T22:38:34+00:00

So: we are spending Christmas with MIL, as every year. Every year she orders a turkey etc and everyone is expected to have some of that and the vegetables. The children and I don't like turkey, so we mostly eat vegetables and just have the smallest decent slice of turkey possible, for appearances' sake. Yet I do find it odd that no attempt is made to try other things we might dislike less. After all, judging from supermarkets, there are plenty of alternatives people consider and it is well-known none of us like eating meat. We are not vegetarian but just don't like it that much. DH takes the view the kids need to be exposed to Christmas traditions and I am a grown up so can work around the turkey. Is turkey really such a big deal for Brits? Surely if it isn't a treat it would be better not to have the kids associate Christmas with a meal they have to endure? Or AIBU and we should just put up with it, after all it is only one day?

Takethehintandfuckoff · 21/11/2023 04:42

I finally cast off the shackles of the turkey a few years ago. I don’t hate it, I’m just not that keen on it, there are things I’d much rather eat. I just got round to thinking it was ridiculous, buying this bloody great big bird that we spend a week eating when we’ never like it enough to eat it any other time of year. it’s stubbornness of the most stupid variety.

A decent turkey costs a fortune at Christmas as well, and they’re such a big faf to cook, and one doesn’t cook a turkey often enough to perfect the technique so it’s always more luck than judgment.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 21/11/2023 05:01

Is your MIL aware most people don’t like the food? It is awkward to bring up so I understand why you haven’t. She might just think you’re light eaters. I have the same issue with desserts at Christmas as I usually turn it down because I don’t like it but I’m sure the host thinks I’m either full or being healthy. I agree though with the consensus that the person cooking and paying for the meal decides.

Mumof2teens79 · 21/11/2023 05:05

The roast is the traditional feast meal yes.
It would be like going to France and expecting not to be served cheese for example.
Turkey is favoured at Xmas simply because its big enough for a large group.

Lots of people, myself included, would be very disappointed and it wouldn't feel like Xmas if there wasn't a roast, with a bird of some kind. Your OH is probably like this tbh.

So I think to expect there not to be turkey YABU.

As for alternatives if you don't want meat, what are you expecting? A different centerpiece item? Fish, meat alternative? Or a different meal altogether? The Xmas roast isn't just about the turkey, it's about the rest too so it's pretty easy to just leave the meat out.

Splat92 · 21/11/2023 05:24

Wow this thread makes me glad I'm an Aussie. I can't imagine having a Christmas dinner I didn't like. There are only about 5 foods I don't like and turkey is one of them. My kids eat nearly everything also... but not turkey.

We tend to all contribute to the meal so there's enough that everyone only has to eat things they like. I have never once been served turkey at my family's dos (usually chicken, ham, lamb, pork) and at my IL's my SIL often brings turkey but noone in my immediate family touches it as they'd rather be filling up on roast pork or similar.

If I was in your situation I'd probably just have the sides.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 21/11/2023 05:35

@Splat92 Aussie Christmas’s are the best. We have a cold lunch of salads, seafood, and cold meats. All easy to cut up and plate. No one stuck in the kitchen all day.

I think it’s more the expectation that they have to eat turkey despite all not liking it. If op and kids just leave it on the plate hopefully mil will get the hint. If anyone tells the kids they have to eat it just tell the kids it’s Christmas, you can leave it on your plate if you don’t like it, that’s what I’m doing. They will be annoyed, but will get over it.

Natsku · 21/11/2023 05:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2023 00:08

This is about the 20billionth time someone has said this.

Some of us find it dry, bland and sad. Yes, I brine, I stick whole pounds of butter under the skin, I baste, I rest, I do all that. I'm a fabulous cook. It's still dry compared to meats that are naturally marbled with fat or fatty generally. I LIKE goose, duck, lamb. I like the naturally fatty things like pork belly. Anything you're doing to a turkey is just an approximation of what the fattier meats do all by themselves.

And it's annoying to be told. I typically like food very 'wet', fatty and condimented. Spicy, salty etc. I think I'm just into sensation. Just because you think turkey can be made juicy enough for YOU doesn't mean it is for ME. There's only so much gravy in the world.

I accept when someone tells me they find pork belly with chilli mayonnaise and buttery spinach 'too rich'. I don't tell them they're cooking it wrong. Turkey isn't rich enough.

Show quote history

God, I really want some pork belly now!

Bournetilly · 21/11/2023 05:48

It might only be one meal a year but it’s Christmas Day. If I was hosting you I would make the usual meal with turkey and then something alongside that you and the children like. Your Christmas meal should be something you enjoy.

Is it possible she doesn’t realise you don’t like the traditional meal since you all eat a small amount of meat each year?

Autieangel · 21/11/2023 05:51

My mil and fil are the same and not just at Christmas. They will want to cook what they want and any suggestion that we don't like the meal would be seen as a huge insult so we usually just shut up and put up. Although I can't understand anyone who would want their guests to force down a meal they don't enjoy just out of politeness.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/11/2023 06:00

LOL at the number of people taking it personally that the OP doesn’t like turkey!

The only turkey I’ve eaten in the last 20 years has been in sandwiches from M&S.

How do you ruin a Christmas dinner?

Serve turkey.

McrWife · 21/11/2023 06:45

Ask her to serve Bernard Matthews turkey dinosaurs for you and the kids instead.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 21/11/2023 07:04

YABU. Presumably everyone else likes turkey, so why should they have to cater to suit you and your children? You could take your own meat if you want something else, or just continue with what you are doing.

TheAlchemistElixa · 21/11/2023 07:25

HeddaGarbled · 19/11/2023 22:53

It’s the traditional British Christmas meal. If you don’t actively hate it (and TBH, it doesn’t really taste of anything), I’d just put up with it for the one day out of politeness and as an exercise in cultural respect (just as you would if you were invited to the home of anyone else from a culture different from your own), and then stock up on lots of things you like better at home to compensate.

Or really shake things up and invite them to yours.

Isn’t goose or capon much more traditional in Britain than turkey? I thought the turkey tradition was a more recent import from America around the 1950s or so. Happy to be proved wrong though.

Anyway, regardless, turkey is a truly miserable food and only just about tolerable in a sandwich with lots of other things to distract from its miserableness.

TheAlchemistElixa · 21/11/2023 07:34

SuiGeneris · 20/11/2023 11:17

"None of which applies to the OP from anything I can see."

Thank you @Desolatewardrobe . The whole point of asking here was to check whether the cultural attachment is so high most people would serve turkey even if they know most of those participating don't eat much meat at all and specifically don't like turkey. I did not for a moment suggest MIL should make two main meals or that I would want to bring an alternative, as I agree that would be rude.

It just seems odd to me to insist on cooking three different kinds of meat (turkey, pigs in blankets and stuffing) when the guests you have never eat meat with you at any other time of the year. It seems there are a few people for whom the tradition is so important that it trumps whether the guests actually like the meal at all. There are others who, like me, are not so bothered and would just try to do something that pleases everyone, but it is clear we are in a minority.

So issue closed, we'll continue to eat the turkey as we would if it were served at formal dinner party, when you eat whatever is put in front of you regardless.

It’s a bit weird that you’re being a bit passive-aggressive on here about it, and trying to make it a really big cultural thing rather than a mother in law thing. No, the entirety of Britain is not so culturally attached to a bland dead bird that none of us can conceive of serving anything else to guests that don’t eat meat/turkey. But perhaps your MIL is.

I think you either need to explain to her very clearly now that you don’t eat meat/rarely eat meat so won’t be eating the turkey this year - would she mind if you provided something else for you and the children. Or you do what you’ve always done and eat mostly the trimmings. One less slice of meat isn’t going to ruin a Christmas neal for you, surely, unless you don’t like any of the Christmas meal at all?

iolaus · 21/11/2023 07:52

You and the children don't eat much meat - what would you prefer? She clearly likes and prefers turkey (and in all honesty sounds like your husband likes turkey at christmas too)

I find a lot of nut roasts are stuffingesque (husband and kids do eat meat I don't) so what ended up happening is we stopped doing stuffing and they all have a slice of nut roast instead of stuffing

I wonder if it's worth presenting it to her as a 'I've seen this recipe that would go really well with xmas dinner' or offer to bring/cook the stuffing - and make a nut roast which your MIL, husband can have some of as stuffing and you can bulk up for your main - and the kids can take whichever amounts of both they would prefer

Smallerthannormalpeople · 21/11/2023 08:32

If you’re that bothered then you should offer to cook an alternative like salmon or a nut roast and bring it with you for you and the kids to eat. If you won’t do that then you eat what the host has prepared. Pull your finger out FFS.

Kanelsnegl · 21/11/2023 08:51

@RosesAndHellebores Me too. Lucky lidl just had nordic week and I stocked up on some 😊

I'd try and insist on hosting every second year or going to your family every second year. Honour both sides and their traditions (including food)

enchantedsquirrelwood · 21/11/2023 08:53

I like turkey but if I didn't, I'd take something to go in the oven. Lots of veggie/vegan options in the shops (according to Which magazine, which does a rundown of the best ones).

PinkLemons99 · 21/11/2023 08:55

YANBU. I’m an old bird myself and haven’t cooked a Turkey Christmas dinner for about 40yrs as I don’t like Turkey, stuffing etc. and none of my family like it either. I might roast a chicken but just as likely to cook some curry dishes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think your MIL is a poor host tbh.

Surely as the host, you do your best to ensure that your guests are fed food they actually like? Hasn’t she ever asked you what you might like to eat? That’s the first thing I do when adult DC and partners come to visit.

Haveyouanyjam · 21/11/2023 08:56

If we have Christmas home as a family we would usually do lamb (and sometimes an extra chicken), and nut roast for the veggies. If we go to other family we have turkey. I wouldn’t expect kids to be catered to specifically at Christmas as they are more likely to be choosy with what they eat and no doubt will make up for it with whatever Christmas goodies they’ve got. Turkey is a good option when there’s a lot of people to cook for as one bird can do everyone.

If we have Christmas away from home then we usually do our own Christmas at home so everyone can have the things they like, and we don’t bother with others bits and pieces (or buy store bought if it’s just for one person etc.) at some point after Christmas Day.

LolaSmiles · 21/11/2023 08:57

It’s a bit weird that you’re being a bit passive-aggressive on here about it, and trying to make it a really big cultural thing rather than a mother in law thing. No, the entirety of Britain is not so culturally attached to a bland dead bird that none of us can conceive of serving anything else to guests that don’t eat meat/turkey. But perhaps your MIL is.

I think you either need to explain to her very clearly now that you don’t eat meat/rarely eat meat so won’t be eating the turkey this year - would she mind if you provided something else for you and the children. Or you do what you’ve always done and eat mostly the trimmings. One less slice of meat isn’t going to ruin a Christmas neal for you, surely, unless you don’t like any of the Christmas meal at all?
I agree with you.

There's some obvious solutions to adapt Christmas dinner to include a vegetarian or non-turkey option without losing it being Christmas dinner.

Nut roast or a vegetarian stuffing instead of meat stuffing
have meat free sausages instead of traditional pigs in blankets, explain to MIL that OP and the children don't eat much meat so are happy to bring a packet
OP or her DH could offer to add a substantial non-meat side dish
OP and her DH could suggest MIL does a smaller turkey and they'll contribute some fish, an alternative joint of meat, or a vegetarian alternative

None of it involves moping that a country is obsessed with turkey because MIL isn't a mind reader.

Though I suspect that given the OP hasn't actually said what she wants other than complaining that MIL is serving Christmas dinner on Christmas and that if she brought something the children want to eat then none of the 'traditional' food will be touched, I can't help wonder if what the OP actually wants is her MIL to not serve Christmas dinner because OP and/or her children are fussy.

Jellytot1234 · 21/11/2023 09:00

So you’re quite happy to go, put your feet up and have everything paid for and done for your on Christmas Day yet are making out she’s unreasonable for not doing you your own meat? I would suggest you start taking on the task of Christmas dinner if you’re going to be so ungrateful. Her house, her traditions and her choice.

Jellytot1234 · 21/11/2023 09:03

AutieAngel- Don’t go then? How entitled and ungrateful do you have to be to be offended that the person who’s cooking is choosing to cook what they all like? What’s the saying… take it or leave it. Presumably you’re too lazy to cook for your own family so it’s easier to just piggy back on someone else’s effort but then still moan about it. You’d be uninvited swiftly if I found out you grumble at what I serve but still happily arrive to eat it every time.

Deathinvegas · 21/11/2023 09:12

If you don’t like meat I don’t think it would be unreasonable to request a vegetarian option, you know the sort if option your mil can open the package and pop in the oven. Lots of supermarkets do really tasty ready made vegetarian Christmas food.

crumblingschools · 21/11/2023 09:18

@SuiGeneris do you not bring a contribution to the meal? Many families share the load of Christmas food, especially if the same person hosts every year

Elastica23 · 21/11/2023 09:30

I think some people saying goose is better and more traditional have never actually cooked or eaten one.

I did a huge one (for 8-10 people) ten years ago and it wasn't all that, even though it was free range etc and expensive. It made me appreciate why turkey is so popular- particularly crowns. Goose has a tremendous amount of fat and is more gamey than some people may like - I like it, and the goose fat is good for potatoes, but even then rapeseed oil has a higher frying point and I prefer potatoes done in it. There is also a ton of waste and inedible bits, far less meat than a turkey even from a really big goose. So turkey has a wider appeal to people who don't like more fatty meat. I don't have a problem with fatty meat but DH only likes really lean meat.

Also always used to buy turkeys from a local farm, but they kept giving me much larger ones than I actually wanted and I could hardly get them in my roasting tin/oven, plus they were so expensive.

So now I just get a free range bronze turkey crown from Waitrose or Sainsbury's. I cook it Italian style with lots of lemons and garlic and can taste no difference from the more expensive local farm ones. Cheaper. And there is no waste.