To think preferences should be taken into account?

[SuiGeneris]

So: we are spending Christmas with MIL, as every year. Every year she orders a turkey etc and everyone is expected to have some of that and the vegetables. The children and I don't like turkey, so we mostly eat vegetables and just have the smallest decent slice of turkey possible, for appearances' sake.

Yet I do find it odd that no attempt is made to try other things we might dislike less. After all, judging from supermarkets, there are plenty of alternatives people consider and it is well-known none of us like eating meat. We are not vegetarian but just don't like it that much. DH takes the view the kids need to be exposed to Christmas traditions and I am a grown up so can work around the turkey.

Is turkey really such a big deal for Brits? Surely if it isn't a treat it would be better not to have the kids associate Christmas with a meal they have to endure?

Or AIBU and we should just put up with it, after all it is only one day?

It’s too late now but your DH should have just told her that the family no longer eats turkey and offered to bring something else.

But it’s too late now. Why on earth you are repeatedly pretending to like something you don’t is beyond me. I don’t know anyone who has something they actively hate for Xmas dinner.

We often have turkey because we like it but we also have other things.

Your problem here is your DH’s relationship with his mother. Why he hasn’t dealt with this properly is bizarre- why are you always going there year after year? It’s not mandatory.

How has she not noticed that you are not eating the turkey? Why is she unconcerned that year after year her guests aren't filling their boots?

This is your Dh's problem for not sorting it with his Mum. Of course you can take some food with you but I would try to take something like either a cooked beef joint sliced which can be warmed in the oven so that it is beef with all the trimmings rather than taking spaghetti bolognaise.

My sister is veggie, her Dh still makes a turkey crown for all the meat eaters, but my the veggies are varied and plentiful. We have always said we are happy to bring the meat element for the meat eaters. She wants everyone to be full of lovely food, that is a great host.

I don't love turkey either but it's one day and she won't be around forever so have a small amount then get into the chocolates

Has been for the wealthy since the 16th century. Henry VIII started the tradition of eating it on Christmas Day. The poor had goose

It’s weird to insist on serving something no one likes if you’re hosting. Why wouldn’t you want your guests to enjoy their food.

Having read all your updates I think perhaps your DH is correct about your children getting used to different foods.

If, when you added your preferred food to the table, they'd ONLY eat that and ignore the food prepared by your host, they probably do need to practice their manners and widen their tastes.

I think maybe have them sit at the table with the traditional food and then get them a snack a bit later if they really haven't eaten very much.

It's important to try new foods and learn good manners by appreciating food that has been prepared even if it's not your personal favourite.

It can be the cooking, but it is often because the turkey was frozen. But then fresh turkeys can be very expensive. For the last 2 years I have bought a fresh turkey for less than £40 from one of the cheaper supermarkets and was presently surprised with their good quality.

Back to the OP, it is hideously rude not to eat the food offered. Stop being so fussy and you will enjoy life more.

What's wrong with a plate of roast spuds and veggies if you don't like meat much?

I do eat meat and will turkey though I agree it's the last good option, litteraly any other is better, but it's the spuds, veg and gravy that I love anyway

Why do you have to go to MIL every year?

Doesn’t sound like she’s lonely if she’s so busy?

It sounds miserable, eating a few veggies whilst everyone else tucks in.

Why can’t you alternate, one year at home, one year at MILs and one year with your family (if that’s an option)?

MIL would be welcome at yours, her choice if she’s too busy to come down.

I think it’s hideously rude not to cater properly to your guests, especially when they could be having their preferred Christmas meal at home.

Ti those who say to bring something else to add: we cannot,, as we are staying there and if I put on the table something the kids like, they won't eat the traditional food and then MIL will be upset, which is the opposite of what I want to achieve

I was going to say it would be reasonable for DH to suggest that your family aren't eating meat as much and offer to join his mum in the kitchen to prepare a nut roast to accompany so not to add to her load. Or offer for him to do a second joint, meaning MIL can get a smaller turkey, so there's some options to try.

But from this I'm wondering if you're thinking less about adapting Christmas dinner to reflect that you don't eat much meat, and more that you'd be hoping an entirely different meal (because if it was put on the table then the kids wouldn't eat the 'traditional' food which would include vegetables, stuffing, sides etc).

If you're ideally wanting people to not have Christmas dinner because your kids are fussy then that would be unreasonable.

I wouldn't dream of just making one meat and assuming everyone liked it, but as MIL hasn't asked I'm not really sure how you could bring it up. I know Turkey is traditional, but if it was that good people would be eating it all year round.

I certainly wouldn't be wanging on about how wonderful pickled herrings were!

Not everyone likes everything and if I were making even a Sunday roast for people I would ask for a preference on meat/veggie option if necessary. Presumably MIL offered to host and isn't being forced to do so?

For me, Christmas Day is about a big meal round the table that everyone eats lots lf and enjoys.

I wouldn't say anything about not liking Turkey, and I don't when I go to my ILs but it's still nicer when we go to my parents and have something different.

I now fancy some pickled herrings. On rye.

I read that as "peacock and serve cold" and thought Wow, Kookaburra certainly pushes the boat out at Christmas!

Grateful for what? For enduring food they don't like? It's not like OP and her family cant afford a meal and this is the meal delivered to their home for free of cost?

People like OP go to their MILs also because MIL wants the son and family to visit them. OP said MIL prefers to do Christmas at her place.

There is also an effort for the party spending 4.5 hours on the road each way to travel hosts on a busy time of the year like Christmas. Also, I think they must be taking presents etc.

OP, create your own tradition of doing Christmas at your own home for the sake of your kids.

Pps are asking you to be grateful, so this will also ease the burden of cooking for your MIL.

Have you actually communicated any of this directly to your MIL? No, not relying on it being so "well-known" that you don't like meat but actually suggesting to her that you eat something different on Xmas Day because you're not a big fan of turkey? A lot of people do the traditional Xmas menu because it's the default, not because turkey is anyone's favourite. I don't know anyone whose ideal dinner is the traditional Xmas one, I always say that if turkey was actually nice we'd eat it on more than one day, but you can't blame anyone for defaulting to it. It's also a fairly bland meat, so I suppose it's less likely that anyone actively hates it.

I can see both your point and your husband's though. I was brought up eating the traditional meal at Xmas. I neither love it nor hate it - I'd be OK with eating it but never go out of my way to have it. As an adult I've rarely eaten turkey and I don't think I've had the traditional lunch in over a decade. I don't miss it but at the same time I'm kind of glad I did have all those years of getting to know it, there's a specific cultural knowledge that comes with tradition that isn't necessary but is nice to have.

If your MIL is hosting then you need to tread a bit carefully with suggesting an alternative, and it's too late to do it this year. I'd float the idea of something you know she likes as well, and offer to actually make it (at her house), so you hopefully counterbalance the turkey rejection as an offer of help.

Turkey is actually a very healthy meat. Very low fat, economical and versatile. I have never wasted a scrap of turkey.

Giblets for the gravy stock, then the cats have the giblet meat.

Christmas roast with all the trimmings
Cold on boxing day with cold ham, anti-pasti, etc
Turkey and ham pie on 27th
Bones and scraps with the hame bone then make stock for a huge minestrone.

There's also Turkey curry and rissoles.

Christmas lunch or dinner is about the trimmings: pigs, stuffing, gravy, bread sauce, red cabbage or cranberry sauce - they don't complement other meats, except chicken or a game bird as well.

Oh dear. I might be your MIL (I'm not).
I always do turkey and I know my adult children don't like it very much. As in they would choose other meat rather than turkey, not as in my very strong dislike of lamb (which they don't like either). But I always do loads of sausages and bacon so nobody starves!

YABU. She hosts so gets to pick what she cooks etc. If you want exactly what you and your kids want to eat, stay at home for Christmas.

Not when the preferences are those of spoilt, entitled, antagonistic people who only live to make a fuss, complain and pick a fight.

If she wont come to you for you to host then I'd simply make something that I want to eat and take it with me. Yes, its annoying, but you should at least be able to eat something nice on Christmas day FGS. I wouldnt be eating dry horrible turkey just because its "tradition". Its not the law that you must eat turkey and as others have said, if its so great- why is it noone ever eats it at any other time in the year?

Do people not season their food? Every time I read something like this or the other posts saying turkey is dry, I just think those people don’t know how to cook or season.

I think the idea that if you host no one gets any say is just so weird. As is the huge emotional investment in turkey.
I host our family for up to a week at Xmas. I give people some say in the menu because I actually like them and want them to enjoy the meals. I’ve started doing goose which is delicious but other years we’ve had beef rib, turkey, sometimes a roast ham with it.
traditions are a practice not a law!

YABU to want MIL not to cook turkey when she's hosting.

YANBU to not want to travel to hers every year if you'd rather host. Insist on hosting alternate years and ask her to join you.