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Original poster

To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

265 replies

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:05

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

OP posts:
KittensSchmittens · 20/11/2023 09:54

I have 2 boys and I absolutely love it. All children are different obviously, but both of mine have ended up very stereotypical boys. They are complete mummy's boys, they absolutely adore me and I've done nothing particularly special to earn it. They're affectionate, hilarious, boisterous, adventurous, emotionally robust in a way that makes me a bit jealous to be honest. They're so straightforward - no friendship dramas. Brave to the point where you have to remind them it's ok to cry.

My eldest absolutely loves his hair, clothes and interior design - he's amazing to go shopping with and we go to the hairdresser together, so I don't feel like I've 'missed out' in that way.

Also all the young men in my family had to be physically removed from the family home or they would never have left after University. They still constantly boomerang back home for food, washing and emotional support, so I'm not that worried about never seeing them again once they're grown up 😅

I also just completely love them as their own individual people. They aren't 'boys' to me, they are their own special personality and I just love the bones of them.

RainbowRuby · 20/11/2023 10:04

You can't control the gender, but think of it this way, this baby is a gift to you AND your elder son - for life.

wharminere · 20/11/2023 11:31

Someone to become a friend and confidante in the way I don't think adult sons do

Wanting a daughter to fulfil a role a female friend would isn't healthy in my view. I've just lost my mum, and lost my dad last year. I talked far more openly with my dad than mum, but not in the way I would a closest female friend.

My own adult son is very open with me, enough for me to know he's happy and balanced, but that doesn't replace his closest friendships.

Flyingalone · 20/11/2023 11:34

SweetBirdsong · 20/11/2023 00:41

Hiding the thread now. xx

😂😂😂

'Ok hon, run away now'

LuvSmallDogs · 20/11/2023 11:52

I wanted girls. I'd grown up with only sisters, couldn't imagine different.

At the 20 week scan for DS1, we were told he was a boy...and that one of the measurements in his brain was off, suggesting an accumulation of fluid.

I was sent for a next day appointment with an obstetrician, who did his own scan and confirmed it. He referred me to another obstetrician on the mainland for yet another scan, telling me "there's no need to think about a late term abortion right now, he will discuss that with you at your appointment".

A week later, I catch a red-eye to the mainland and go to this 2nd obstetrician. He looks at the scans sent over. He scans DS1 yet again.

"Yes, I thought so, they took these scans with baby at a bad angle. Now that he's moved, I can see that his brain is fine, this is a healthy baby".

After a week of steeling myself to discuss late term abortion/survival rates etc, I didn't give a fuck that DS1, DS2 and DS3 are male. FFS.

TheBirdintheCave · 20/11/2023 12:04

I get it. I've had years of infertility and some IVF too. We finally had our little boy in 2020 and now we're somehow expecting another natural miracle after three miscarriages.

I'm very grateful to be pregnant but I don't want to find out what we're having for the same reason as you so we're going to keep it a surprise until the baby is born. I just don't think I'd be lucky enough to get what I want and I'm weirdly already sad about it.

It's such a strange feeling. I want this baby so much and will accept and love it whatever it is but at the same time I really, really want a girl so I have one of each.

I don't think it's wrong to have a preference or that we're not allowed to be disappointed just because we had hard journeys to get here.

Hipnotised · 20/11/2023 12:21

You couldn't conceive, were lucky enough to have successful IVF and now you've been even more incredibly fortunate to conceive naturally and you're upset it's a boy?!

So, so U.

Emi199 · 20/11/2023 12:22

LuvSmallDogs · 20/11/2023 11:52

I wanted girls. I'd grown up with only sisters, couldn't imagine different.

At the 20 week scan for DS1, we were told he was a boy...and that one of the measurements in his brain was off, suggesting an accumulation of fluid.

I was sent for a next day appointment with an obstetrician, who did his own scan and confirmed it. He referred me to another obstetrician on the mainland for yet another scan, telling me "there's no need to think about a late term abortion right now, he will discuss that with you at your appointment".

A week later, I catch a red-eye to the mainland and go to this 2nd obstetrician. He looks at the scans sent over. He scans DS1 yet again.

"Yes, I thought so, they took these scans with baby at a bad angle. Now that he's moved, I can see that his brain is fine, this is a healthy baby".

After a week of steeling myself to discuss late term abortion/survival rates etc, I didn't give a fuck that DS1, DS2 and DS3 are male. FFS.

Is it true that IVF usually puts the odds of having a boy higher due to the faster male sperm?

Emi199 · 20/11/2023 12:22

@LuvSmallDogs So sorry to reply to you then. I didn’t mean to.

Emi199 · 20/11/2023 12:23

@LuvSmallDogs I’m so glad things worked out. What a tremendous relief and how horrendous before you learned he was ok.

TheBirdintheCave · 20/11/2023 12:29

@Emi199 Actually no, it's not because of the sperm (that's been debunked) it's because, for some reason, male embryos tend to develop slightly faster and are therefore selected for implantation more often as under the microscope they look healthier than others who might develop a little slower but still make perfectly viable babies.

I think it skews the difference maybe 5% towards boy in the end if we're talking 5AA or 5AB blastocysts.

Naptrappedmummy · 20/11/2023 13:02

Just a word of caution to the mums of girls on here saying how great daughters are and how relieved that they never had boys…
all the girl mums I know have gone on to have predominantly grandsons (and vice versa, the boy mums have had mainly granddaughters). Just remember this could well be you one day. What will you tell your girls then? That you’re so relieved you didn’t end up like them? That their children (and your grandchildren) are second best?

LadeOde · 20/11/2023 13:10

It's always MALES when people are dissapointed about about the gender of their unborn dc. In a weird way, it's as if they transfer all the negativity they've had in life with a male onto their unborn foetus and imagine it's going to be just like those bastards they talk about constantly on here...

LuvSmallDogs · 20/11/2023 13:54

@Emi199 thank you, the week waiting to fly out was horrible. I had mixed feelings every time DS1 moved (happy to feel him, scared he wouldn't make it) and burst into tears in public once when I saw another pregnant woman. I just count myself lucky that my reality check was in the form of a false alarm.

TheBirdintheCave · 20/11/2023 13:57

@LadeOde Not in my case. I personally just want to share my experience of being a human female with a daughter like my mum has done with me. I can't do that with my son as much as I love him for who he is. If I don't have that opportunity ever then I think a part of me will always feel like I missed out on something.

It doesn't help that my son is basically a mini version of his dad in looks. He's utterly adorable but there's nothing of me there at all! 😂

Daphnis156 · 20/11/2023 14:01

It is so sad you dislike boys, and if you project this onto the child you'll make him miserable and he'll hate you.

So be grateful. You are lucky.

VivaVivaa · 20/11/2023 14:02

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:35

I understand that boys can be affectionate and loving, but when I think about my life long term I imagined a daughter. Someone to become a friend and confidante in the way I don't think adult sons do.

I guess I can't let go of this feeling.

My mum and I have a civil relationship. We aren’t friends. She gets on a lot better with my brothers. Don’t assume you necessarily would be best of friends just because of her sex. Personality plays a massive part to.

LadeOde · 20/11/2023 14:04

@TheBirdintheCave Even if you have a DD, what makes you so sure you will be sharing the same experience you had with your DM with her? she'll be a completely different person and you could be setting yourself up for total disappointment by trying to mould your relationship with her into what you had with your DM instead of seeing her as an individual in her own right.

Catza · 20/11/2023 14:05

I don't think gender matters as you can just as easily do all the things you described with your boys. My friend has one of each, the girl, although delightful, was always a bit aloof while the boy is very gentle and very close with both his parents and me. When he was younger, he wouldn't think twice about joining me for a pedicure.

VanityDiesHard · 20/11/2023 14:07

LadeOde · 20/11/2023 13:10

It's always MALES when people are dissapointed about about the gender of their unborn dc. In a weird way, it's as if they transfer all the negativity they've had in life with a male onto their unborn foetus and imagine it's going to be just like those bastards they talk about constantly on here...

It seems to be, yes. I don't understand the misandry on here sometimes. In my life, I have met just as many, if not slightly more, shitty women as I have shitty men. The one time I was seriously sexually assaulted it was by a woman. I have been constantly gossiped about, belittled and bullied by women. I'm not saying men are saints, but there are good and bad people of both sexes. I have to wonder if some of the women on here are doing something to attract especially bad men, or if they are just nitpicking and exaggerating.

Scatterlingsofafrica · 20/11/2023 14:10

Be happy! Having all boys is wonderful - I have 3. Yes, there are things that I miss- but enjoy the fun and energy of little boys!

SgtJuneAckland · 20/11/2023 14:12

I was convinced DS was a girl, very vivid dreams, just such a strong feeling and I'm not woo at all.
Found out he was a boy and for a short time it was almost the loss of a girl that didn't exist.

My boy is so affectionate, loving and kind, told me this morning on the way to school that I'm his best friend. I'm close to my mum but so is my brother, maybe more so. I also was never going to engage in stereotypical female things, hated pink, dolls, threw a huge tantrum about being told to wear a bridesmaid dress at 4, still don't wear much make up etc. I do love reading and music and being outdoors, so does my son.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 20/11/2023 14:34

YABVU - as someone going through IVF, recurrent miscarriages and facing a future without any children I think you should be counting your massive blessings here!

TheBirdintheCave · 20/11/2023 14:36

LadeOde · 20/11/2023 14:04

@TheBirdintheCave Even if you have a DD, what makes you so sure you will be sharing the same experience you had with your DM with her? she'll be a completely different person and you could be setting yourself up for total disappointment by trying to mould your relationship with her into what you had with your DM instead of seeing her as an individual in her own right.

It's really hard to explain what I mean. It's not the relationship per say, it's the life experience of being a woman that my son will never understand. Does that make sense? I suppose you could even describe it as a primal desire to pass on the mitochondrial DNA line that only runs through females. I'll be sad if in our family it stops with me.

Extratoebeans · 20/11/2023 14:42

Op, I think it's good you have posted about it. Besides the negative responses, it's helpful to say it out loud and process it. Just because other people would do anything for any gender of baby, doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to feel gender disappointment.

You will love your baby boy and the relationship he will have with his big brother, its better to work through these emotions now (which will be heightened because of pregnancy) before he gets here. You will be ok, don't feel like a bad person for this, because you aren't Flowers

Baffles me that all these people posting that boys are better feel the need to make negative comments about girls while doing so.

I have 5 girls, I had horrible comments for each of my 4 pregnancies about how disappointing it was I wasn't having a boy, how upset I must be ect, how I would have to try again. It got to the point I wished for a boy so I wouldn't have the comments and be disappointing all these people.