Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

265 replies

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:05

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/11/2023 12:27

I have a lovely, close relationship with my sons. We go shopping, we watch movies we eat out, we make each other laugh, just like with girls. You can too op Flowers

Swimaway9 · 30/11/2023 12:28

MixMatch · 30/11/2023 11:49

Boys are very loving when they're kids and can sometimes be less "work" than teen girls, however the problems come when the boys are older. Especially when they get serious girlfriends/wives they normally just attach themselves to their new family with their girlfirend/wife who provide them with the feminine companionship/emotional support you did and you no longer have the same closeness to them.

They're often unreliable when you're older too, don't keep in contact as much, and it's normally women, with their greater level of empathy who care for their older parents etc. I totally feel the OP, if I could choose and only could have 2/3 kids, I'd much prefer to have all girls. I'd only want a boy if I had a big family of 6 plus kids. Im.biased though because I've always wanted a sister and instead have 3 brothers. My brothers are close to each other since they're boys and the truth is I would swap in a heartbeat all 3 brothers for a sister I would be close to .

@PremiumRaa don't despair. A lot depends on how you and your husband raise your boys. If your husband is close to his mother, keeps regular contact with her, takes your boys to see her and helps her out as she ages, your sons will.mimick their dad and do all this with you too. This is what women normally forget. They make their MILs second place in the family and are happy for their husband to neglect his own birth family, forgetting that their own sons will copy this themselves when they go on to become adults.

From a young age and throughout childhood and teen years, in an age appropriate way you must make sure you make your boys take responsibility doing things for you, and caring for your feelings. Don't mollycoddle them because they will not learn they need to sacrifice and care for women, and instead get used to the idea that women are just there to serve them. They will.simply replace you with the next female who serves them what they want i.e. girlfriend/wife.

A son when married becomes part of his wife's family. The wife becomes part of her husbands family,or should do. A healthy relationship between them all is when there is acceptance of the new dynamic, no resentment from both sets of parents towards each other & the couple share their attention with both sides equally. A strong man would never agree to his parents becoming hangers on. I didn't have a mil who respected me & she admitted she was jealous of me during an argument she caused but I understood she was still DH mother. He knew her failings and although he supported me when she was nasty nothing would change the fact he loved her as much as he did as a child. She was a good mother to her children and that sticks with them into adulthood.

Naptrappedmummy · 30/11/2023 12:28

I think you’re right in terms of if you looked at the entire population and formed some kind of matrix to determine how close adults were to their parents, the women would generally score higher. But I think they would cluster round the two ends of the spectrum more - either very close or basically no contact (my case sadly). Because that higher level of contact gives rise to potential for more arguments and disagreements. Whereas with some they would probably settle more in the middle -an average amount of contact but with less drama and a more straightforward relationship.

It depends what you want from later life. My gran had plans to get a part time librarian job and focus on her garden as well as some other hobbies. But she’s given it all up really to support her daughters and I’ve seen the emotionally draining effect it has had on her over the years. She’s propped my mum up endlessly over the years but I can’t remember the last time mum took her a meal when she wasn’t well. All her girls are hard work. She would swap it all for the occasional Sunday roast and phone call with a well balanced son I think.

Naptrappedmummy · 30/11/2023 12:32

*with sons they would settle in the middle

DidiAskYouThough · 30/11/2023 12:33

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:37

@ThinWomansBrain No I haven't, we don't have the emotional capacity to adopt a child and go through everything that is needed to go through that process, or to support a child through any issues that will likely come alongside being adopted. I very much admire those that do.

@ThinWomansBrain did you mean for OP to have her kid adopted, or for her to adopt a girl?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/11/2023 12:45

The internalised misogyny on here is frightening.

Sayitaintso33 · 30/11/2023 13:02

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/11/2023 12:45

The internalised misogyny on here is frightening.

How right you are. MN is well known for its celebration of Men and their toxic masculinity.

Waspalert · 02/03/2024 09:48

I sympathise with the way you feel, but please don’t dwell on all the positivities of girls. I had two girls and then two boys and although I love my girls dearly, they have been such hard work through the teenage years. My boys, on the other hand, have been a dream - they have never caused me a moment’s worry. I am close to my elder son’s girlfriend and both my boys are funny, affectionate and very loveable! (As are the girls!) I hope you come to terms with your disappoint soon and enjoy your lovely sons.

Summerishere123 · 02/03/2024 09:53

I have one of each and they fight so much! Also, my daughter is much more difficult to raise than my son. The world is harsher on girls in general and I sometimes worry for her. Such issues I don't really have for my son.

zingally · 02/03/2024 10:24

I grew up wanting a daughter.

I lived in a very "girl heavy" house and only really had girl friends growing up.

But then I became a primary school teacher, and fell in love with little boys. They are so sweet and funny and cuddly in a way that little girls aren't so much.

I ended up with one of each, and let me tell you, I adore my children equally, but my son is a MUCH easier child to raise than his sister!

Stevethespudwrightsstorghies · 15/09/2024 09:30

I'm disgusted by all the judgment/judgmental comments...its like if you're mainstream minded it's automatic you'll have absolutely zero empathy...I'm an antinatalist and a.male so maybe I don't belong here for a second probably.....but to OP ignore the keyboard warrior armchair haters....depression and pain/mental health and illness are REAL and shouldn't be scoffed at...that goes for all the karen wine moms with bath bomb businesses....probably drunk on all the hero worship and overcomplimentary (word??? Dunno) lionising backward dated members of society pay/give to 1st time new parents...esp mums....(maybe the coke and Bath salt fumes on top of that lol)...
Don't lose heart though....its tough having pnd/ppd as one of my friends had it bad and sadly CS leaving her 3day old newborn behind...she was only 17 and noone knew who the dad was or met him so we all assumed the worst....plus she'd suffered depression severe (just like me) since 13.....that's how we met/knew eachother....a local before its time kinda club for depressed kids.....we were the same age too she was like 10 days younger or smth like that......
And ofc NEVER FORGET you can try again...I know giving birth I'd supposed one of the worst and most traumatic experiences you can go through esp if its an incredibly difficult birth...but you can try again for a 3rd time....or 4th,5th,6th,etc time lucky ya never know lol...hopefully you can and won't have problems and/but never forget its your choice & your decision ALONE though...

ginandtonicwithlimes · 15/09/2024 16:17

Stevethespudwrightsstorghies · 15/09/2024 09:30

I'm disgusted by all the judgment/judgmental comments...its like if you're mainstream minded it's automatic you'll have absolutely zero empathy...I'm an antinatalist and a.male so maybe I don't belong here for a second probably.....but to OP ignore the keyboard warrior armchair haters....depression and pain/mental health and illness are REAL and shouldn't be scoffed at...that goes for all the karen wine moms with bath bomb businesses....probably drunk on all the hero worship and overcomplimentary (word??? Dunno) lionising backward dated members of society pay/give to 1st time new parents...esp mums....(maybe the coke and Bath salt fumes on top of that lol)...
Don't lose heart though....its tough having pnd/ppd as one of my friends had it bad and sadly CS leaving her 3day old newborn behind...she was only 17 and noone knew who the dad was or met him so we all assumed the worst....plus she'd suffered depression severe (just like me) since 13.....that's how we met/knew eachother....a local before its time kinda club for depressed kids.....we were the same age too she was like 10 days younger or smth like that......
And ofc NEVER FORGET you can try again...I know giving birth I'd supposed one of the worst and most traumatic experiences you can go through esp if its an incredibly difficult birth...but you can try again for a 3rd time....or 4th,5th,6th,etc time lucky ya never know lol...hopefully you can and won't have problems and/but never forget its your choice & your decision ALONE though...

You are telling her to try again. You do realise she is likely to have another boy? She is better off doing IVF for that.

aSpanielintheworks · 15/09/2024 16:42

The trouble is with feelings is that you can't really control them can you? It's easy to tell yourself you should be grateful for a healthy baby but you should also be comfortable to acknowledge those feelings too so they don't fester and spoil such a special time in your life.
I desperately wanted DC1 to be a girl because I wasn't close to my Mum at the time and I really wanted to break the chain and have a different relationship with my own daughter. Those feelings were very real and I couldn't stop them if I tried.
I've now got 3DC, one boy and I love them implicably, as I'm sure I would if they were all boys or all girls.
Be kind to yourself, open up to a trusted friend. Give yourself time. It's ok to feel this way.

User79853257976 · 15/09/2024 16:49

You weren’t even going to have another but now you’ve got a strong preference? YABU.

Beezknees · 15/09/2024 16:53

ZOMBIE THREAD, check the bloody dates people, OP will have had the baby by now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread