To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

[PremiumRaa]

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

A lot of offended people on this thread. Gender disappointment is real, pretty common and it's nothing to be ashamed about, so don't make the OP feel even more guilty about how she is feeling
It may well be real, but that doesn't mean it should be accepted as standard.

People rightly criticise societies that don't value girls because most people rightly think that a baby's value isn't it's sex.

But for some reason when it's mums to be who are devastated that they're being robbed of a fantasy daughter some people weirdly think the appropriate response is "aww hun we get you, it's so hard because a daughter is perfect. It's obvious why you'd want a daughter.. But don't worry because when you see your son you'll love him".

I think people who are in bits over their baby being the wrong type or are wedded to normalising that sort of response probably need to reflect and examine their attitudes to boys and girls.

I know!

My niece has one of each , her girl was first born. We’re all very lucky to have my 2year old nephew. He was born at 27 weeks , he’s all good , right track of development and now a big strong boy

My son was definitely the rough and tumble sort . When we’d go on holiday it was my son who loved playing in the pool or sea , tipping each other off the lilo , racing each other to the ball , whilst dunking each other. Boys are lovely

Her baby is a happy healthy surprise, nothing to grieve over. She wasn’t even trying for a girl and got a boy. She thought she couldn’t get pregnant naturally and got an amazing surprise. So yes, feelings can be unreasonable. You can have your opinion and I can have mine.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you are feeling OP. I’d rather express how I’m feeling than suppress it all. We all have preferences in life - despite your feelings now it sounds like you will love your baby regardless.

also most of my friends prefer to have baby boys as they feel that they would find their girls annoying and would be in competition with them - which I think is bizarre.

I did a similar post. I didn’t grow up with males - especially since my dad left young and I’m always around women - and so I preferred to have a girl only for that reason - my first is a girl and we get on very well. My second is a boy - not born yet but I’m feeling nervous as I’m assuming there will be slight differences, even if it’s simply the way others perceive them - but I am excited too.

On the extreme side parents that do not deal with their trauma can easily pass it onto their children. I know a woman who couldn’t bond with her son because of her abusive partner. I also know girl mums that can’t stand their daughters. I think it’s so so sad. I agree with the person that says there are many that have to look internally if their response is extreme.

it doesn’t sound like you will love your baby any less but I can relate OP.

Yanbu to feel how you feel.
I too wanted a second DD and it took a while to get my head around having a boy in my next pregnancy. Of course it will be different when he’s here but you are allowed your feelings

I had the daughter I longed for - after 2 boys - and she hates everything I stand for. The boys are far kinder and closer to me. So be careful what you wish for 😘

the problem you have is not so much the disappointment but the fact you have this whole imaginary relationship with a daughter mapped out in your head and that’s what you seem to be grieving for. Never mind the enormous pressure that would put on a child, but assuming a daughter would be your friend and confidante? I’m not my mums best friend, I’ve never done girly days and shopping with her, I’ve never been into stereotypically girly stuff, hell we don’t really have any interests in common. She has way more in common with my brother. What we do have is a lovely mother-daughter relationship that has sod all to do with whether I’m female or not. We’re not best friends and I don’t confide everything in her because we both have actual best friends for that.

I have 2 sons, and we get along great because I place no pressure on them to be what I imagined sons would be like. I certainly don’t expect them to look after me when I get old (and wouldn’t expect that off a daughter neither). Enjoy your children for who they are, not what you’ve imagined they’ll be to you, and you will be much happier for it. It’s good you have admitted these feelings to yourself, but it’s up to you to deal with them so they don’t spoil the wonderful relationship you can have with your sons.

Hate these posts. Of course YABVVVU

I have boys and they are so loving, affectionate and kind. And after seven miscarriages I thank my lucky stars for them every day.

Is it wrong to hate women? Yes it is.

Is it wrong that if I hate women then I will have negative feelings of hatred inside me? No because it is your body’s way of communicating with you.

Is it wrong to act on my feelings of hatred by hurting women? Yes, clearly that is wrong.

Is it wrong to act on my feelings of hatred by being honest about it and exploring why I hate women, how can I resolve this in a positive way? No, there is nothing wrong with that.

It’s not the feelings that are good or bad but the attitude or opinion or thoughts or how we choose to act on them that is good or bad

Your feelings just indicate something. You feel hatred towards women. Then look at why you feel that way. Question yourself is it justified or is my thinking faulty?

I found that I can sometimes change my feelings by changing my attitude (the way I am thinking about something or change how I regard something or someone).

Our feelings are just our body’s way of telling us something and we should listen to it.

Is it though? I would bet that in a forum mainly full of dads you'd find a fair few men who felt a bit sad when they stopped having kids, if they'd never had a son. It wouldn't mean they're all sexist arseholes who hate girls. It would just mean they'd consciously or subconsciously imagined themselves with at least one son, and now they're sad that they'll never have that experience, even though they still love their daughters too.

I’m fairly glad my sons won’t experience that because being a woman is generally fairly shit. 😂 Men in general have an easier time. I’m also really proud of how I’ve raised my boys to have respect for women my eldest does a lot of work in early prevention of sex based violence. Which is as we know largely male on female.

I second that @TooOldForThisNonsense . I have loads of gynae issues so wouldn't really want to pass it on to a daughter. In general though, it's crap being female. We seem to get the shitty end of the stick😂

I don't think that being a woman is shit at all. I would far rather be female than male, I adore my femininity and also my relationships with men. If I were male then I would have to be gay, and life is easier for straight people so I'm glad I'm not (that isn't hate against gays at all, just the facts) Being female hasn't put anyone at a significant disadvantage in this country since last century.

Being female hasn't put anyone at a significant disadvantage in this country since last century

seriously?!

I’m fine being a woman. I don’t have any preference for my own sex any more than I did for my kids. It just…is. But in general I think society is set up to be easier for men.

A saying that is a myth, but OK.

I felt the same, however I am far closer to my sons than I am my mum. Thankfully I have 6 nieces. Although I see the drama they can cause and am thankful for boys. I won't be paying their make up and hair accessories bills in years to come.

Given I joke to my partner that he is still practically attached to his mother by the umbilical cord, I don't think this is necessarily something to worry about. They are closer than I am to my own mother. They have a lovely relationship, and in turn, she adores me also. I find I look to her as my second mother now too, and she looks at me as the daughter she never had. Her son and her are so close. It depends how you raise your sons, they can be more loyal than daughters.

Boys are very loving when they're kids and can sometimes be less "work" than teen girls, however the problems come when the boys are older. Especially when they get serious girlfriends/wives they normally just attach themselves to their new family with their girlfirend/wife who provide them with the feminine companionship/emotional support you did and you no longer have the same closeness to them.

They're often unreliable when you're older too, don't keep in contact as much, and it's normally women, with their greater level of empathy who care for their older parents etc. I totally feel the OP, if I could choose and only could have 2/3 kids, I'd much prefer to have all girls. I'd only want a boy if I had a big family of 6 plus kids. Im.biased though because I've always wanted a sister and instead have 3 brothers. My brothers are close to each other since they're boys and the truth is I would swap in a heartbeat all 3 brothers for a sister I would be close to .

@PremiumRaa don't despair. A lot depends on how you and your husband raise your boys. If your husband is close to his mother, keeps regular contact with her, takes your boys to see her and helps her out as she ages, your sons will.mimick their dad and do all this with you too. This is what women normally forget. They make their MILs second place in the family and are happy for their husband to neglect his own birth family, forgetting that their own sons will copy this themselves when they go on to become adults.

From a young age and throughout childhood and teen years, in an age appropriate way you must make sure you make your boys take responsibility doing things for you, and caring for your feelings. Don't mollycoddle them because they will not learn they need to sacrifice and care for women, and instead get used to the idea that women are just there to serve them. They will.simply replace you with the next female who serves them what they want i.e. girlfriend/wife.

@MixMatch and your entire post comes from the experience of having neither a sister nor children?

Actually I’m going to offer another perspective. My grandmother has spent her entire retirement running herself ragged to provide childcare and emotional support for her adult daughters and privately disclosed to me she would’ve loved a son. She believes a mother son relationship would’ve been less emotionally draining for her and has visions of somebody who can help her practically (she has a huge garden). She had to help several of her daughters through mental health issues and relationship problems and is just fed up with being their support human.

So, careful what you wish for.

@Naptrappedmummy yes because I have experience of what it's like with adult boys. A lot of women posting about their sons are those who have sons who are still young so are still in denial. Boys change a lot from childhood to adulthood. All this, "my boys are so affectionate, always kissing me, telling they love me, treat me like their world etc etc" doesn't last for the vast majority of boys, it's a childhood stage they grow out of. You can still be close to your sons as adults but it won't be the way it is now.

I believe these gender disappointment posts trigger a lot of women who have all boys because they don't want to believe their young sons will change, but they do and they dont normally have the same level of emotional closeness as adults a mother generally has with her daughters and it's probably vice versa for most men. Of course they'll be women coming on now talking about how much they hate their mother and their mother hates them but it doesn't change the general trend. It’s like those who insist smoking is fine because they've personally lived to 95 with no health problems.

I've seen first hand how my brothers and other male relatives have grown up and how men socialise is so different from women. And no, it's not just society, it's also biological too. Of course there are exceptions so OP (like some women on this thread) could be lucky and there's also a whole lot that depends on what their dad role models to them as I explained above.

In her shoes I'd be grateful to have my son, because all children are equal blessings but gender disappointment is real and should be acknowledged. She needs to address it head on by accepting her son's gender and both of them as parents doing what they can to raise their sons the right way. Once her son is born, she'll love him unconditionally I'm sure. She can certainly be close to him but she just has to prepare herself it might not be the same as with a daughter and to seek female company that can fulfil that. @PremiumRaa can you also have more children?

@Naptrappedmummy I agree this is also a valuable alternative perspective. Having boys can be great for avoiding the above.

I'm someone who values emotional intimacy, even more than the average woman, so this is where a lot of my preference for girls comes from but it's improtant to note that mothers themselves are different and there are mothers who are naturally much better suited to have sons than daughters.