To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

[PremiumRaa]

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

Jeez just be happy you are having a presumabky healthy baby. Don’t understand all the anxiety around boys. Worried you won’t be able to take them shopping and discussing make up? 🙄you did post in YABU so YABU!

I can relate a bit op. We also had fertility problems initially but ended up having three boys in five years. The only one I found out the sex of ( for various reasons) was my third. I remember going straight onto a night shift after having the scan and did feel a bit upset but soon got chatting to a lovely colleague who had three boys and was really positive. I think just as soon as you get your head around it you will be fine.

I’m sure that will pass when he’s born and you hold him. I doubt it’s usual.

OP YANBU to feel a bit sad, plenty of women have this but it will pass soon enough.
I have three boys and honestly I was sad when I found out youngest was a boy but I can’t imagine my family any other way, he was a the perfect last part of our puzzle.

My advice would be to leave this thread though because you will get a bashing, people love to say you have no right to feel like this but the fact that so many women feel it just shows it’s quite normal.

Boys are the best

I can't get my head around posts like this at all. It's always regret at having boys, always, and I find it perplexing and really quite sad.

I have three sons, now grown. They are all awesome and amazing in their different ways. I wouldn't change a thing.

I wanted a boy. Got a girl. She's more like a boy. Then I got a boy. He's softer and more sensitive and more likely to live at home forever.
Boys are awesome and yes they'll hopefully be fab siblings

I’m afraid I don’t understand you at all, but I dare say my MIL would. I’ve spent 15 years dealing with comments that suggest I should be sad to have 2 boys, as she was disappointed to be in that situation. No disappointment for me, just immense gratitude.

Boys are generally affectionately loving
So are girls.

from my own experience and my friends, boys are much easier in general

My friends and I have found our girls easy to raise.

it's true what they say about 'Mummy's boy, Daddy's girl'

What's true? Never heard that til this thread.

No doubt OP will get over her initial disappointment and cherish both of her sons but they're not better than daughters or vice versa.

Me to. Sorry OP but you should be grateful to be pregnant.

I have two boys, having wanted girls throughout both pregnancies.

Honestly I wouldn’t swap them for the world now. They are just the best and I can’t imagine having it any other way now.

I was apprehensive about how it would be as they got older but they’re tween/teenagers now and have been a delight throughout. The eldest is currently hugging me on the sofa as we watch Friends together and has just complemented me on my perfume! They have great senses of humour, are still hugely affectionate and the conversations get more interesting all the time. The experience really hasn’t matched all of the horror stories I heard.

I know exactly how you’re feeling, but it will pass.

I never understand the desire for girls. I didn’t have a strong preference but if I did I’d probably choose boys. Teenage girls scare me 😂 there just seems more drama.

Although of course in talking in broad terms of boys and girls we generalise a lot and you never know what kind of person they’ll be. Your girl might have been a tomboy who hated shopping and anything girly likewise you could have a feminine boy with your interests.

I have boy girl boy. When I went for a third I was desperate for a boy. My boys are amazing, funny, sweet, straightforward. They’re mid teens and 21 and they think I’m the bees knees. I’d choose a boy any day. My daughter is just as amazing but she’s harder work than the 2 boys put together, she costs me a fortune, her life of full of teen drama and I’m her nearest friend and worst enemy all in one.

I get it @PremiumRaa I had a son then second time round secretly hoped for a girl, ours was a surprise though and that probably made it easy because I was just so happy to be meeting him! He is wonderful and him and his brother have the best relationship 🥰 Wouldn't change things for the world now!

Have you considered adoption?

I understand that boys can be affectionate and loving, but when I think about my life long term I imagined a daughter. Someone to become a friend and confidante in the way I don't think adult sons do.

I guess I can't let go of this feeling.

When I was pregnant with my second baby I really wanted it to be a girl as I already had a son. I knew it would be our last baby so I knew that if it was another boy then I would never know what it would be like to have a daughter.

When I was being scanned at 20 weeks and she told us it was another boy I was crushed. My husband was overjoyed and I just put on a big fake smile whilst trying to hide how disappointed I felt. I actually felt quite tearful.

It genuinely wasn’t that I didn’t want another boy, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with boys at all and I adored my son, but I felt very sad that I would never be a mother to a girl.

It took me about a week to let go of the sadness and once I had come to terms with the fact I was only going to be a mother to boys I completely embraced it and then the excitement set in.

I have a sister and we are extremely close as we shared our whole youth together due to being the same sex and so although I wasn’t going to get my daughter I was incredibly happy that my son was going to have a brother.

I always knew that having a girl would be for my benefit whereas having another boy would be a benefit for my son.

His birth was actually quite terrifying and he was born via emergency c/s as his heart rate was dropping and I was terrified he was going to die. I remember thinking then how little the sex actually meant and that being able to have another baby be alive and well was all that mattered.

Anyway, my boys absolutely adore each other. I can’t even explain how special it is to watch their sibling relationship develop….they are pretty much inseparable and I think a huge part of that is because they are the same sex.

They are both very, very loving towards me. They are total sweethearts and never stop kissing and cuddling me and telling me they love me. I have a very
special bond with them and it’s a very different kind of relationship to the one they have with their dad.

They are at an age now though where they are gravitating towards their dad more as they do “boys stuff” together but I push down “what if” feelings I have and I just feel so thankful that I have two amazing boys who I adore, and who have a very special relationship with each other.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad about not having a girl….just allow yourself to feel the grief and sadness and those emotions will fade and be replaced with excitement. It might just take a while to get your head around the idea that the reality you will be getting doesn’t match with the image you had in your mind.

Boys are truly wonderful OP, as you already know from having one, so try and focus on how amazing it will be to see your two little boys growing up together and forming a close relationship as not only brothers, but friends x

YANBU.

Gender disappointment is a very real and documented thing and no amount of guilt tripping by the perfect people committee is going to change that.

I wanted a girl too, however first time around I absolutely knew I was having a boy and I was right. I was disappointed. However I can assure you that once that baby is born any residual feelings fade entirely. In fact mine had by the time he was born. He is a wonderful lad (now a teen) always has been and I feel awful for ever wishing he was anything different.

My second I wasn't bothered about, turned out to be another boy and I was overjoyed.

My third I had a similar feeling to my first but instead I knew deep down she was a girl and she was.

In all honesty my girl is far far harder work than the boys 😂 we call her the girlwind, she is an absolute force of nature 🥴

Take your space. Sit with your feelings and honestly don't be too hard or put too much pressure on yourself. And don't let the awful people tell you you're not allowed to feel anything but joy. You won't love your child any less when he's here I promise you.

YANBU but only because society is sexist and its easy to buy into the stereotypes. The good thing is that it’s easy to challenge your thinking!

Anecdotally, my bro is much closer to my mum than I am. Like most of us, he’s quite stereotypically male in some of his interests and female in others (has never liked football or any sports) I’m not as close to my mum by a long shot and don’t phone home or visit as much. Likewise, my nephews are all obsessed with the Disney Princess Moana and couldnt care less about cars. It’s all stereotypes.

I often think it’s self fulfilling. Women who are most upset about having sons (and men who are most upset about having daughters) are more likely to buy into stereotypes themselves eg dress their boys in blue and buy them vehicles. The boys are then more likely to grow up to be ‘stereotypical’ and disappoint their parents!

I’d recommend ‘Sonshine magazine’ and the book ‘parenting beyond pink and blue’ to subvert this kind of limited thinking.

Of course it is! We all have our wants, our feelings and it's perfectly reasonable to want a daughter (or a son).

@ThinWomansBrain No I haven't, we don't have the emotional capacity to adopt a child and go through everything that is needed to go through that process, or to support a child through any issues that will likely come alongside being adopted. I very much admire those that do.

It’s good that you are talking about your feelings, even if it’s only on here. Accept your feelings because you probably need to feel them and explore them before you move on.

If after a couple of months you are stuck in the same place maybe consider a short course of 6 weeks therapy so you have dealt with these feelings before your dd is born.

I can understand your disappointment but believe me boys are way better than girls! Girls turn into teen nightmares and can make life hell in general.

The great thing is you have managed to conceive naturally and you may well get your girl in the future!

Someone to become a friend and confidante in the way I don't think adult sons do

Oh they can, OP.

In some ways I can sympathise but on the hand I say be thankful for the healthy baby you have coming. I miscarried a natural pregnancy this after years of infertility and IVF. I am still gutted. I have a boy. He is a lovely little boy.