To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

[PremiumRaa]

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

Your sons will be amazing. You will never unlove them.

You might still miss the female company so relish your female friends, their daughters, your nieces and mother. Do the girly things with them.
My cousin was like you, exactly, and now she has a wonderful relationship with her daughter-in-law and grand daughter and of course still adores her son.

Ahhh two brothers! You are sad but how lovely for your son 😃. Sometimes the best thing that ever happens to you is to not get what you want.

I had a girl and then was disappointed when I had a boy as I could only imagine myself being mum to girls. My son is the sweetest, kindest 9 year old ever who loves his mum more than anything. We have a closer, easier relationship than my daughter and I.

Yeah a mum with just boys will miss female company in her immediate family. Maybe that's another reason that women don't want all boys. Like I said, a mix is OK yeah, but not all boys. Some people say 'girls might like football and boys might like dolls, and so on,' but the fact is most boys will like stereotypical 'boys stuff,' and most girls will like 'girly stuff.' And most girls/daughters will be closer to their parents than boys/sons.

I may be biased because I have daughters, (2) and I have the most wonderful relationship with them (and so does DH) and they are wonderful caring young women. Intelligent, hard working, and successful, and they bring so much joy to our lives. I could never see myself with a son. Some friends/people I know who have sons and daughters, are fairly close to the sons/get on OK with them, but the relationship isn't the same as it is with the daughters. There's a special bond, and a closeness that never leaves.

Like that saying...

'A daughter is a daughter for all your life, a son is a son til he takes a wife...'

Sons are more likely to drift, and daughters are more likely to stay close.

I know some people will deny this - and come up with lots of anecdotes about how everyone they know is much closer to their son, but in real life, that's how it is for most. ^ Daughters are more likely to stay closer, and be there for their parents when they need them/to take care of them etc...

So as I said, I can kind of understand why some women don't want all boys.

I am done on this thread now. Emotions seem to be running high on here, people are taking things personally, (even though nothing is directly aimed at them, and it's a public message board where people are free to give their views and opinions,) and I have pretty much said all I want to say anyway.

All the best @PremiumRaa

Hiding the thread now. xx

@PremiumRaa You are so unreasonable!
Boys are great. I think they are far easier than girls.
You can raise good boys.

I.e. too gutless to stick around to hear how wrong and offensive you are.

You can guarantee for many the opposite is true. I loved my mother dearly & it was definitely reciprocated although it was obvious her boys were the blue eyed children in the family. I was far far closer to my father as a child & adult, our personalities were the same, we just got each other, same sense of humour etc. Things don't always work out with children the way we imagine they will. Congratulations on your second boy & if it was me I wouldn't change a thing, one thing I must take after my dear mother.🤣

Hi OP. Mum of 4 boys here.
With my first, I would have liked a girl. 2nd, a girl so I’d have had one of each. After the 2nd I wanted only boys. They are so affectionate and really do give the best cuddles. One of my boys(10) loves to come shopping with me and have lunch somewhere nice. He’s so sweet.
Take a few days to ‘grieve’ the girl you were hoping for. But I promise you, boys are wonderful. Also(maybe strange) but I love being able to say ‘the boys’ instead of ‘the kids’

3 boys here too. I would be lying if I didn't say I was hoping for a girl too. I'm very much a 'girly' girl, female-only friendships, etc. Oldest is 6. I have absolutely loved having boys. Yes they are loud as hell - but they have brought so much joy and laughter to me.

I'm also ashamed to say that a lot of the preconceived notions I had about boys were based on gender stereotypes and none of these are true for my children (boys being more sporty / energetic for one!!) - everyone is an individual please remember that. They have different personalities and different tastes, a lot depends on upbringing. My boys absolutely love me to pieces and they love nothing more than to chat to me, draw together, read a book together. It's the best.

I think it's important to remember that children are not meant to be a mini version of ourselves - having a child of the opposite gender opens you up to a whole new world. I'm sure you will have an incredible relationship with your two sons.

I understand you completely
i always wanted a daughter as well
I just don’t talk about it to everyone
I feel like it’s just a unique relationship

I was the same, give yourself some time the feelings fade. I’d still love a daughter but 2 children is enough, and my boys are enough.

Watching my 2 boys together gives me the best feeling. They’re 18 months apart at 4&6, and the closeness they’ve gained in the last year is just lovely.

You cant help how you feel, but it is shitty. It's a baby, you should want them for them not for what they provide you with. And anyway you could have a girl like mine who is the most tom boyist tom boy ever or one who wants to be a boy.

Lol you dont ever lie to social workers when applying to adopt, so what would she say if they asked the reason for adopting? Because they were disappointed they had another boy? Adoption is about providing a child in care with a family. Not providing families with children.

Even if you do one day get to have a daughter, there is no guarantee that your relationship will be as you imagine. You might still have to let go of that fantasy.

My dd is completely disinterested in most of the mummy daughter stuff that I envisioned. I love her exactly as she is but sometimes wish she would have let me brush and style her hair. But nope. The moment I brushed her hair she would get down on the floor and rub her head on the carpet to mess her hair back up. Mind you she was a toddler then. She would pull any hair clip or pretty bow or hair tie out within seconds. She’s a total wild child free spirit.

But even though I love her and am so proud of her, I still had to let go of my fantasy of what I thought my mother daughter relationship would be.

It’s just part of life. You never know what you’re going to get or what is around the corner. So just accept it and go with the flow.

You can't help how you feel of course. I'm sure you know that your op is a difficult read for women who longed to be mothers, and either infertility or unfortunate circumstances prevented it. But life's not a grief competition, so if you're genuinely grieving the loss of the idea of daughters, then you can't help that. I reckon it'll pass once your perfect baby boy is in your arms. I wish you and your family well x

I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter.

And therein lies the problem. It’s imagining what another person may be like and may want to do with you - essentially a clone of yourself! I have a DD and tbh she does most things with DH. We love each other of course, but we have very different personalities and interests, whereas they have much more in common. Having matching vagina’s doesn’t mean you will be interested in doing things together! I do lots with some of my sons, as we have common interests. I don’t live any of them more or less, but the reality is they don’t get shoe horned into doing things with you because of matching genitalia.

I love my boys, and wouldn't be without them, but do feel a bit wistful sometimes about the fact that I can never now have a daughter as well. I think people who think that's bashing boys just haven't understood where it's coming from. It's not about not wanting the boys you have once you've got them, it's about missing the girl you'd have liked as well.

I'm not specially girly or frilly myself and had less than zero wish to dress up a daughter like a doll, but I would have liked the chance to one day have an adult daughter as well as (NOT INSTEAD OF) my sons. I'm so close to my mum, aunts and sisters, and a bit sad that that particular multi-generational female dynamic will end with me now, because it's been such a wonderful thing for me.

Of course people can respond to that and say "just be grateful for what you've got", but people can say that about anything. Someone with terminal cancer (and there are people on MN in that position) could furiously say to someone who's distraught at their infertility "just be grateful you're alive yourself, enjoy your nephews and nieces and stop complaining!". There's always someone worse off, but it's still OK to be sad about whatever makes you sad.

OP, one thing I would say is that my dh has an amazing relationship with his mum, and I am close with my boys, and based on all that I'm much more confident these days that I will end up still being just as close to them when they're older as I always thought I'd have a good chance of being with a daughter.

Make sure you invest time in the relationships you'll have with your sons - really get to know them as the unique people they'll be. Don't stereotype them and don't somehow write them off as impossibly different to you so you'll never be that close. If you do that you might just make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I understand how tough it is when life doesn’t pan out how you expected. I’m going through fertility treatment at the moment.

Remember that just having a girl is no guarantee they will be anything like you or conform to any of the gender norms you expect. There are girls i know who have awful relationships with their mother and others who are total tomboys and spend a lot of time with their dads.

Hoping you have a healthy, happy baby and I bet once he is here you’ll be so glad he is on your life x

If you really were hiding the thread you wouldn’t have announced it. I know you know you’re talking rubbish about girls and boys @SweetBirdsong

I dont understand this, boys are supposed to be easier. I have a teen DD and worried about her getting abused or pregnant, mood swings and body issues.boys are easier even if he becomes a teen dad he still gets off lightly.

Well I just wanted to be a mum and didn't care if boy or girl and neither did hubby. Healthy and happy is our motto, We had 2 boys oldest now 13 and after an operation was told I probably couldn't have anymore so that's was fine we settled for the 2 boys. Then in 2020 I went for my routine health check, bloods etc and nearly fell off my chair when the nurse said erm did you know your pregnant...Anyway after the shocker of being pregnant first scan showed it was twins and now we have 2 girls lol. I adore all for different reasons each unique with there own ways.

I have 3 sons. Twin boys and a single but to be honest I admit I always wanted boys. I would have been upset to have had all girls…..sorry if that shocks people here.
I have two friends that felt the same as you. One has three sons, the last time she got pregnant they did so just in the hope they’d have a daughter.
The other friend has four sons with the last two pregnancies just to have a daughter. You’re really not alone in this and I’m sure if you talk to friends they will open up about how they feel.
On the huge plus side boys are amazing and two children of the same sex will entertain each other and are more likely to have similar interests
Don’t beat yourself up about this embrace what you will have

That’s very odd. I have 3 boys and have never had that. Why would people be so horrible, especially family!