To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

[PremiumRaa]

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

Nothing wrong with feeling sad to let go of an idea you were attached to. I don't think it's feeling dissapointment for a boy, but sad to lose the girl you imagined. Once you do, you'll feel as excited for you new baby boy. Boys are so loving, I'm super close to my two (I have 2 boys and one newborn girl).

I love them all to bits and I wouldn't change them for the world. I get sooo many cuddles, we watch films, we go to football together, we do face masks. And they love their dad just as much.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the emotions that come with it x

@PremiumRaa Don’t listen to anyone trying to shame you or make negative, erroneous assumptions about you. They obviously have issues.

There is nothing wrong to feel the way you do. Feelings are neither good or bad. They are just feelings.

We all have a vision of our future, an idea of how we would like our life to go. It’s alright to feel sad if life isn’t quite what you envisioned. Those feelings will pass. And you might just be glad that life had other plans for you.

I think some of the threads are actually a reverse because ops know theyd be eaten alive for not wanting girls on this platform and rightly so, so they lie and make it about boys. Its baby girls that get the most gender disappointment. 😡😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬🤬

I can’t relate, sorry.

I’ve had six miscarriages. After three I had my precious boy. I was just so grateful to take home a healthy baby.

I wish I could have had one more. I’d have been elated with either sex but hoped for a boy, just because I adore my DS.

You feel how you feel though 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was at a soft play a few months ago and got chatting to a mum of three adorable boys. We ended up talking about this and she made her disappointment with having all boys quite clear, within earshot of her third son.

I wonder if the number of emotionally stunted, toxic men out there has anything to do having mothers who they know didn’t want them.

I think this is just your imagination tbh
You have a 'fantasy daughter' in your head; one you can be best friends with
In reality, none of us can be certain how our relationships with our kids will turn out to be, male or female.

I always wanted girls from a young age but have 2 boys and I wouldn't change them for the world. I won't be having anymore and I thought I would be sad but actually I am really happy my 2nd was another boy.

Many schools correspondence refers to your "young person" now instead of son or daughter. Who wants a son or daughter these days - so last century!

PP has it spot on, it's your "fantasy daughter", which I know none of us can persuade you from because I thought the same.

At the news of boys, I was upset, because I knew what my little girl would be like, no matter what anyone said.

And nothing will shake you from that. All we can all do, is repeat, your daughter would be whatever she wants. My DD, is the polar opposite to what I thought a girl would be. Everything I expected, and thought I'd have, is not at all what she is. I love her, but no more or less than my boys, but I wouldn't have known how wrong I was until I had her, and this is the problem, you don't have that insight.

I desperately wanted a girl. Beyond desperately. And can absolutely say now, I'd have been perfectly happy with 3 boys. Which would have been incomprehensible for me to say before I had her. But I can only say that now I do have her, which doesn't help you, because you're still in the incomprehensible stage.

Your son, will be wonderful, and he needs his mummy to know that x

It’s normal to feel like this. I wanted a DD after 2 boys and joined a swaying group (natural methods to help get gender of your choice). Whether it works or not I was fortunate to have a daughter. 15yrs on I know think gender doesn’t really matter. Im close to my boys and enjoyed raising them, I also enjoyed buying pretty dresses etc. it will pass when baby is here

Of course feelings can be wrong.

Or should I just get my feelings off my chest: I hate women.

I think some of the threads are actually a reverse because ops know theyd be eaten alive for not wanting girls on this platform and rightly so, so they lie and make it about boys. Its baby girls that get the most gender disappointment

I think most rational people would rightly be critical of anyone moaning that they're devastated to have a healthy baby that's the "wrong" sex.

Given the level of detail that most disappointment threads go into about all the things they wanted to do with their imaginary and fantasy daughter, I doubt the son disappointment is a reverse.

I sometimes wonder if the weird obsession some women have about having their perfect fantasy daughter is part of the reason some adult women have strained relationships with their mothers. It must be absolutely awful for daughters being expected to be their mummy's perfect little accessory, feeling obligated to do all the mummy-daughter things, have the right interests etc to play the part of mummy's perfect accessory.

The way some parents act you'd think their children are support humans for the parents

I only wanted to have girls and when I had my second, I was disappointed to find out he was a boy. He was premature and very poorly and nearly died and I ended up needing counselling because I thought I had bought it on myself by wanting a girl.
Couldn't love him more, he's genuinely the light of my life and if I ever had another I would love another boy. I adore my daughter and love her to pieces but the preteen/teen years have been very very hard

I have and wanted two boys. I am low contact with my own mother. When I was pregnant I didn’t mind what I was having as long as they were healthy, but I remember the relief I had when I found out they were boys. I def could not have coped with females. My boys have both been daddy’s boys until something was wrong, then it’s always me they come to- a hug, shoulder to cry on, advice etc.

I find the pp’s comments about boys untrue. But she knows no different as she has girls 🤷‍♀️

OP when you hold your baby boy in your arms you realise that it doesn’t matter. There’s also nothing wrong with the hat you are experiencing now- I had friends who wanted girls only. I think it’s far more common than you think to have a preference.

If it's any consolation, I'm the other way. I've left it a bit late to have kids now, but back when I was wavering, I always, always wanted a boy. To the point I would have considered sex selection.

Teen girls are the absolute worst. Rude, stroppy, bitchy, materialistic, and vain. I should know, I was one and I have dealt with them a bit in my life. With the odd exception, I would far far rather deal with boys in that age group.

Op it is OK to be sad, but it sounds like you have a very set idea of ‘having a girl’ and really you might not have had that relationship with your girl anyway which would have caused issues.

I have two boys and it is fab, but I love all things sci fi Star Wars manga Avengers.

in the age of social media I think it is really hard having a girl. I hear my friends stories and am so glad for my two boys

Thinking anecdotally - my Dad is one of two boys.

He is clever, funny, academic, loves languages and sciences, loves to cook. Least violent / boisterous person you could imagine. Clumsy and useless at sports (not that there's anything wrong with being good at sports). Works in a stereotypically female profession. Very close father-daughter bond with him growing up.

Dad has a good close relationship with his brother, my uncle, he says he always felt protective and nurturing of him growing up. My uncle is an artist and very into his fashion and interior decor (my dad is not remotely stylish).

They're very different from one another, I can't say either is a stereotypical man however they have both obviously been influenced by the status of men Vs women in society, and I expect quite privileged as a result of being men overall (that's the real worst thing about having a daughter - knowing some of the things she will face just because she is female).

Both remained close to their parents, especially their mum (my grandma) and I spent a load of time with paternal grandparents and my cousins on my dad's side growing up. Dad and my uncle doted and cared for their mum until the very end.

Just one family example but to me it proves how much horseshit all of this boys won't be close to you, boys won't care for you stuff is. And they grew up in the 60s and 70s! Boys will be how you raise them, and my grandma doted on her boys (she was a sexist and always only wanted boys haha - not that I'd advocate that).

A lot of offended people on this thread. Gender disappointment is real, pretty common and it's nothing to be ashamed about, so don't make the OP feel even more guilty about how she is feeling.

I don’t think it is bashing boys. I only have one son but understand where she is coming from. Of course women have a different connection to other women, we are emotionally wired differently to men - it’s biological. You also see so many threads in here where women hate their mother in laws - they’re either a bitch or too nice (somehow?!). I have a very close relationship with my mum and I think mums of sons worry they will be left alone once the son is an adult and has his own life. I guess I worry about not having the same relationship with my son, he is very close with my mum and she provides childcare two days a week.

On MN any adult son who has a good relationship with his mum is seen as a mummy’s boy and mumsnetters all pile in and tell the poster to get the husband to cut off the MIL. The vitriol on MN towards MILs is quite gross to be honest and it does make you worry that your son might cut you off too one day, even if you are a good mum and a nice and kind MIL. Of course there will always be spiteful and unkind people out there who aren’t the best MIL.

I’m hoping in the future I will have a good relationship with my son and his partner and that I could even gain a daughter via marriage etc. But daughters will always be loyal to their own mothers, it’s just how it is in the majority of cases.

I have 3 boys. If I could have chosen I would have chosen 3 girls.
I was so upset when I had a third boy. Largely due to fucking mil making me feel a complete failure.
Anyway, they are now in their 30's and I couldn't be closer or love them more. Two of them are very into clothes and interiors. They are brilliant to go shopping with, if that's what you think you'll miss out on.
I now have a granddaughter, who is an absolute delight. However, she's no 'better' than having a boy. Not much difference at the moment to be honest. I thought I'd be buying her frilly frocks etc. I tried. She takes them off. I bought her a doll. She pulled its head off.
Enjoy your boys. You are very lucky. They are a gift.

I can sympathise. I would have liked a DD too. However when DS2 came along, I couldn't imagine my life without him in our family, he is everything anyone could ever wish for. 🤷‍♀️

You're allowed to grieve not having the experience of having a daughter

I have two boys and completely understand it. I didn't know each time what I was having and I think that makes it easier as when they are born you don't care in the same way. I do love having two boys though, they play together well but also have very different personalities. My youngest we are looking at buying a sold house for as he enjoys playing imaginary games with ppl. It's ok to be sad but when they arrive you really won't mind.

More generalisations. I have 6 nieces and 5 are/have been teens and not one of them are like this. They are delightful. My son has a lot of female friends and again not one like this.