To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

[PremiumRaa]

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

@PremiumRaa
i think your comment “someone to be a friend and confidante” is very misguided and unrealistic.

How many daughters do you actually know who become a ‘friend and confidante’ to their own mums? Firstly I think that’s a huge pressure on a daughter and secondly in reality how often is that true. Sometimes yes of course but in my experience it’s certainly not true. I can’t think of any of my friends (myself included) or family members for whom this is even half true.

Many of my friends (myself included) have strained relationships with their mums (not all but a lot) and in fact are closer to their dads. And even if it’s not strained it just ‘normal’.

Having a daughter is no guarantee of some super special friendship or bond. You can have that (or not!) with either sex.

Sometimes I think the power of finding out the sex is rather a bad thing. Gives you more time to think and worry about something you make up in your own mind.

You could have a girl and your relationship could be all you want, it could be shit, it could be meh. Who fucking knows. Same for a boy.

Primarily because I desperately wanted a boy although I accept others may not feel the same.

I also think the almost ridiculous disparity between the number of parents I know with young boys vs young girls is a factor.

Ditto. They just need to grateful and wish for a healthy baby. It's boring.

Its not a mystery. Just read the many vitriolic MIL threads and the ‘I want my own mother around once I give birth but not his’ and you’ll see where the family dynamic goes once that lovely cuddly little boy becomes a man.

Very unreasonable lucky to be able to have them.

I can't imagine being disappointed with the sex of a baby that you were sure you'd never be able to have. I would've loved a second child but my God, I'm SO grateful for my only child I wouldn't dare moan about the sex of a second as I'd be too busy counting my blessings!

I do wonder why all gender disappointment occasions are when it's a boy. (In the western world anyway.) Boys are revered in many cultures and many parts of the world, yet in the west people - women mostly - crave a daughter. I really wanted one. I would not have minded if I'd had 5 boys as long as I had at least 1 girl. (I have 2 girls, no boys.)

I know a number of mums with just boys, and some with just girls. The mums with boys always get the 'awww what a shame, bet you'd have liked a girl' comments. The mums of girls never get the same.

A good friend of mine has just had her 3rd daughter - in 5 years. Everyone in both extended families is celebrating these 3 cute princesses! Her cousin has had 2 boys - one in 2019 and one in 2022. She gets pity and head tilting. SO odd!

The relationship you have with your DC is what you make it. I have a fantastic relationship with both my adult DS's. I have a DD too. I often go for a meal with my youngest son as he lives nearby to me. He comes to dinner with DH and me on Wednesday, lasagne night. I go to see my eldest DS about once every 8 - 10 weeks and he comes down with his gf to see me about 3-4 times a year. He rings me every week. We often send a text to each other. Of all of my DC I see my DD least often.

This is so true. Amongst my friends the relationship between the women and their mums is so varied. From no contact to grudging contact to obligation to best friends and everything in between.

Experiencing grief is never unreasonable.

I’m sorry you are disappointed. It’s hard, I imagine. I have 5 sons but it may have been lovely to have a girl.

3 Amazing sons here Wouldn't change a thing
All adults now and all look out for me

@SweetBirdsong sexism innit. You’re right though and it works both ways. Dads of girls get even more pitying head tilts and idiotic ‘you’ll be outnumbered lolz’ comments. It’s so daft.

Mumsnet is heavily female so sexism skews towards wanting girls.

My mother was devastated at having a boy. She wanted two girls. Fast forward 35 years and she’s thick as thieves with my bro, they have common interests and chat every day. Our relationship, on the other hand, is fine but nothing to write home about.

Get a female dog then?

Pregnant with my next boy and can’t wait! Just praying that his birth goes ok and that he is healthy. So so many people we know have lost children and I cannot imagine giving a crap about their gender. Most of it is stereotyped rubbish anyway. Anecdotally the boys in my family are all very close with their mothers and the girls all have a very independent streak!

@theduchessofspork I simply find theses threads deeply insensitive. So why start one when you absolutely know it's going to hurt and upset people less fortunate, and for what is actually amazing news for the OP.

I would have said that all-boys would be my least favourite option for the sexes of children.

But then I met the most cherished mother I've ever met. Her four young teenaged boys all adored her. They're now in their thirties and they still adore her, as do her four daughters in law.

I wish I'd been even half as kind to my mother when I was a teenage girl (to a lovely mother who was thrilled to have one of each)!

I agree. It's very rude. My 2 DDs are the most wonderful people. They were lovely kids, and are great young adults! Me and DH have had the best life with them. They're 2 of my best friends and they love me and their dad as much as we love them. There's nothing they won't do for us. And nothing we won't do for them.

This thread is fast turning into a girl-bashing thread. I knew that would happen.

FWIW I reckon some women don't want boys because they know they will turn into men, and some men are selfish and thoughtless and aren't arsed with their wife and kids half the time, OR their own parents. Girls/daughters are much more likely to care for the parents and be their friend and companion than boys/sons.

Sure SOME males will fit this bill, but daughters are more likely to care more - and be there more than sons.

And people will be closer to the children of their daughters too. Children of sons tend to be closer to their mother's family. (the daughter-in-law.) I would not like to have all boys to be honest. A mix would have been OK, but not all boys. The more I think about it, the more I can kind of get why some women do not want all boys.

I wanted a boy (1st pregnancy). I found out at 20 wks I was indeed having a boy and then found myself crying at all the girl baby clothes because I wasn’t having a girl- I would’ve been just as upset if it had been the other way around!

Pregnancy hormones can cause such strong and irrational emotions. You will be content when the baby is in your arms.

This is a lovely post.

People can’t help how they feel, but equally this isn’t a healthy way to feel. Perhaps look at some counselling if you do continue to feel this way.

So you complain about girl bashing (which I wholly disagree with posters doing) by responding with yet more stereotyping and boy bashing. If you are raising your daughters to “care more” than sons then maybe you’re just not a very good parent?

Children of sons tend to be closer to their mother's family. (the daughter-in-law)

Oh and this is bollocks too in my friends and extended family.

I have 5 boys. With my ds1 I wanted a girl so I could dress her up in frilly dresses but once I had him I realised that boy or girl doesn't guarantee anything at all. With all my others I didn't care if they were boys or girls, although with my youngest I wanted a boy because I didn't want people to think we were just keeping on trying until we have a girl. They are their own people with their own personality. You might have a stereotypical daughter who wants to do those things you want to do but you might not. When you have a baby it's the luck of the draw what kind you get. You just get the baby you are given.

Your boy is only 2 years. His charm and wonder will only increase, you'll see. Boys, like all children, are what you raise them to be.

You can raise your sons to be everything you hoped for in a daughter - gentle, kind, nurturing, creative and sweet. Much of the differences we believe there are in boys and girls are just socialised. Yes, there are some unavoidable differences between girls and boys but not as many as people make out.

I don't recognise the any of the "boy" stereotypes in my son, then again I never believed them or wanted to conform to them. You can resist the nonsense - buy your son dolls, paint his nails, dress him in beautiful clothes, talk to him about his feelings, be calm and gentle with him. (And for heaven's sake teach him to tidy and cook!). There is literally nothing stopping you.

My heart wants to string Cruella Braverman up on a lamppost and invite homeless people to chuck rotten tomatoes at her. Doesn't mean I'm being reasonable.

You know it's a complete lottery, don't you? You can't even guarantee that a daughter would want to fulfil all the expectations you have of her. Perhaps your boy will turn out to be trans, then you can go clothes shopping every weekend.