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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

265 replies

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:05

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

OP posts:
PerspiringElizabeth · 19/11/2023 23:05

Ugh. Always about boys.

Boys aren’t one homogenous thing. I have two boys who are very different to each other. Surely you’ve seen how awesome your current son is? The next one will probably be too, in his own charmingly unique way.

Surely your husband is a good, lovely male? Surely your son will be too.

BebbanburgIsMine · 19/11/2023 23:05

@Quitelikeit

Your comment about girls turning into teen nightmares is untrue, and quite offensive.

I have two daughters which I was so happy about, I wanted girls, they are now 32 and 30, and have never given me, or anyone else a moment's trouble or worry. Neither turned into "nightmares", both were an absolute delight to raise.

My nephew on the other hand, he's been trouble from a very young age.

Saggypants · 19/11/2023 23:05

The preference for a girl is so pervasive among women, nobody (even my own sons) believes me when I say I couldn't care less which sex they were.

It's ridiculous. Why would any sane person go into pregnancy if there was a >50% chance of being disappointed with the outcome?

Hercisback · 19/11/2023 23:06

You're mourning for an imaginary relationship with a 'girl'. It may not have worked out the way you imagine, and your relationship with your son may be even better. You'll never know for certain what may have been with a girl. But the certainty of your relationship with your boy once he is born, will mean these thoughts slow down and eventually stop.

Take care OP.

Panjandrum123 · 19/11/2023 23:08

@PremiumRaa I understand where you’re coming from. I was utterly convinced with my first that it would be a girl. We had a boy.

When I fell pregnant with my second, I was similarly convinced it would be a girl. During the pregnancy we found out we were having another boy. It helped, gave me time to adjust.

It never entered my head that I would have sons. I don’t regret them one bit but I have had to accept that I’d never have a daughter. I did briefly long for a third child but we couldn’t afford to, and there is every likelihood it would have been a boy.

They’ve grown into lovely people and I wouldn’t wish not to have my sons. But a very tiny part of me occasionally mourns the daughter I didn’t have.

You will find peace with having sons, be kind to yourself.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/11/2023 23:09

Of course YABU. But once you’ve got that beautiful baby in your arms you won’t care. Children are not just their sex. I have 2 boys now teens and I love them to bits.

Suchalonggap · 19/11/2023 23:12

Saggypants · 19/11/2023 23:05

The preference for a girl is so pervasive among women, nobody (even my own sons) believes me when I say I couldn't care less which sex they were.

It's ridiculous. Why would any sane person go into pregnancy if there was a >50% chance of being disappointed with the outcome?

I agree, we didn't find out the sex as we genuinely didn't care and people couldn't get their heads around it. Plenty still think we had found out and just kept it a secret. Now i have one of each and constantly get "oh the perfect family!" "You did very well!" "The King's choice, well done!"

I get offended every time, like my family wouldn't be as valuable, or my children as amazing if they weren't one of each sex. God forbid the second had been a boy! Stupid.

wedonttalkaboutyouno · 19/11/2023 23:12

It’s really important not to dismiss your feelings. Unreasonable or not, you need to work through them.

There are so many stories on here of wonderful boys, and mine is no different. Having already had a boy and then a girl, I found out I was expecting another girl. I was pretty terrified! My older DD has been hard work compared to my DS. My youngest DD is very headstrong, but so totally different to my older DD, and our relationship is completely different. I have a great relationship with all 3, and love them all so much, but they are all so different and my relationship with each of them is different, regardless of their sex.

It might help not to frame your expectations of your relationship with them based on their sex, but rather their personalities, once they are old enough to shine through. I am pretty sure once your son is born, your feelings will melt away and you will wonder what you were worried about.

Milkbottlewaffle · 19/11/2023 23:13

I can remember being disappointed when I found out I was having a boy. I absolutely wouldn’t change it, or him, for the world. We have an amazing close relationship.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/11/2023 23:13

LucyTeatime · 19/11/2023 22:31

Boys are generally affectionately loving
So are girls.

from my own experience and my friends, boys are much easier in general

My friends and I have found our girls easy to raise.

it's true what they say about 'Mummy's boy, Daddy's girl'

What's true? Never heard that til this thread.

No doubt OP will get over her initial disappointment and cherish both of her sons but they're not better than daughters or vice versa.

Edited

Yes agreed

You can be a happy mum of boys without the girl bashing. I may have only sons but I have 6 nieces who are all without exception absolutely wonderful girls and young women who I love loads.

MiaMae24 · 19/11/2023 23:14

People said I was lucky having one of each . I’d give anything to be able to hug my son again . The pain of losing him when he was 17 is unreal .
children no matter what are a blessing

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/11/2023 23:17

MiaMae24 · 19/11/2023 23:14

People said I was lucky having one of each . I’d give anything to be able to hug my son again . The pain of losing him when he was 17 is unreal .
children no matter what are a blessing

I’m so sorry x your pain must be unbearable

thebraispink · 19/11/2023 23:18

I know it's a forum and I could scroll past but why? Why is it always boys, why can't you just process this in your own head and not annoy everyone who has boys or can't have children or have lost at all stages.

Just keep it in your head and move forward and pray he arrives safely for you.

Charlie2121 · 19/11/2023 23:19

I find these type of threads a little strange.

I have 1 child who arrived relatively late in life for me. When I was pregnant I knew they would be my only child and all I wanted was a son. I just felt that a boy would fit in so much better into my little world.

I was thrilled beyond belief when I found out it was indeed a boy that I was having. I now have a wonderful son and actually feel a little sorry for my friend who had a girl.

I suspect some of it may come down to personal experience. I know way more people with sons than daughters. My siblings and my DH siblings only had sons as did all bar one of my close friends.

ttcat37 · 19/11/2023 23:19

FilthyforFirth · 19/11/2023 22:13

I hate these threads. It is always bashing boys, people never seem disappointed to have girls... Given you thought you couldnt fall naturally I would focus on that.

Can’t get my head around it! I’m pregnant with a boy and love that he’s a boy so much. Was planning on another but know I’d want another boy.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/11/2023 23:20

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:35

I understand that boys can be affectionate and loving, but when I think about my life long term I imagined a daughter. Someone to become a friend and confidante in the way I don't think adult sons do.

I guess I can't let go of this feeling.

but that is just stereotypes

i get on well with my mum but we’ve never been the girly lunch/shopping/spa days types. My mum is just not that person.

my sister married into a large family of all boys and they are/were extremely close to their parents.

Torganer · 19/11/2023 23:21

I haven’t read all the posts, but what can you do with a girl that you can’t do with boys?! People are individuals, babies are usually pretty generic at the beginning (cry, sleep, feed, poo).

adviceneeded1990 · 19/11/2023 23:24

As someone still waiting for IVF, please appreciate the joy of two healthy children and stop being ridiculous.

ShelleyCarpenter · 19/11/2023 23:30

FilthyforFirth · 19/11/2023 22:13

I hate these threads. It is always bashing boys, people never seem disappointed to have girls... Given you thought you couldnt fall naturally I would focus on that.

Totally agree. Imagine if dads were posting here saying “Just found out we are having another girl and I am so disappointed”

LucyTeatime · 19/11/2023 23:32

I now have a wonderful son and actually feel a little sorry for my friend who had a girl

Really? Why?

Onedayatatime1 · 19/11/2023 23:33

I guess when I was having my youngest I hoped at first it would be a girl as company for my outnumbered daughter. But she became even more outnumbered and was very upset at the time. But having another son turned out to be a really great thing, he gets on wonderfully well with his much older sister (they have many things in common) and his brothers and with me. A friend was here one day and absolutely fascinated by the dynamics between several brothers. I love my daughter, I love my sons. In the end I’m just glad they are all such happy people.

theduchessofspork · 19/11/2023 23:37

thebraispink · 19/11/2023 23:18

I know it's a forum and I could scroll past but why? Why is it always boys, why can't you just process this in your own head and not annoy everyone who has boys or can't have children or have lost at all stages.

Just keep it in your head and move forward and pray he arrives safely for you.

Why on earth should she?

It’s a forum where you talk about things you want to talk about, and express things that are bothering you that you can’t/wouldn’t say in your own life.

You do get to scroll past if you don’t like it

You don’t get to silence people

MumblesParty · 19/11/2023 23:40

FilthyforFirth · 19/11/2023 22:13

I hate these threads. It is always bashing boys, people never seem disappointed to have girls... Given you thought you couldnt fall naturally I would focus on that.

I know what you mean. Why does MN hate boys so much?

Blownupblowndown · 19/11/2023 23:40

It’s absolutely ok to feel like this. It’s way more common than people think. It doesn’t mean you hate the baby that’s born or feel sad about it being one gender or the other- it’s more about the missing the one you didn’t have.
I have three girls and for the youngest, I went for a secret (no one else knew at all, not even my partner) early scan at 16 weeks. I even asked the lady scanning me to not tell me but to write boy or girl on a piece of paper and put it into an envelope for me to look at with my partner later that day. I opened it as soon as I got into the car. I knew that I would need to find out on my own and to come to terms with the fact I’d never have a son- I knew this would be my last baby. And I was right. By the time it had come round to the 20 week scan, I was ok with it. She’s now 8 and the sweetest funniest thing in the world. But it doesn’t stop me having a picture in my head of a little blond haired blue eyed little boy called Eric

heartofglass23 · 19/11/2023 23:41

You get flamed on here for saying it but if I'd had 2 boys I'd have had a 3rd to have a girl. I think it would take to 4 or 5 before I'd have given up.

I have both now. Neither are particularly the stereotype of their sex but they are different and the relationship I have with them is different. It's ok to want this.