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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so sad to find out I'm having another boy

265 replies

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:05

I know I am, but I need someone to hear me as I don't feel I can say this in RL.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, I suffered with infertility and after IVF had our son two years ago. Even though he was much longer for I'm almost ashamed to say that I was desperate for a girl. I work in a very female industry, I have many female friends and have always been close to my mum. I imagined all the typical things I might do with a daughter. I found out I was having a son and was disappointed but also elated to be having a baby.

Six months ago DH and I found out we are unexpectedly pregnant again. I never expected to have more than one DC so it's been a shock. Part of me was wishing that this was my chance to have a daughter, however the child is another boy. This is so much for me to get my head around. Please don't flame me, I just need to know if anyone can understand.

OP posts:
Oilyoilyoilgob · 19/11/2023 22:50

I know you said you don’t want flaming, but finding it hard to not type what I’d really like to. I’m five years in ttc. Miscarriages and ivf along the way. I guess you can’t help how you feel but please please try and see the absolute amazing good fortune in your ‘problem’.

bakewellbride · 19/11/2023 22:50

@Vettrianofan quite! And I ordered my wedding dress online so no magical girly family shopping trip - the horror!

Selenitetower · 19/11/2023 22:50

I’m an only child and really only wanted one child and for that child to be a girl, I instead have two boys. They’re now 9 and 11 and they are just wonderful little people I couldn’t even begin to imagine life any differently. We have an amazing relationship and they open up to me and tell
me everything which I adore, we often go shopping and out for lunches/dinners and we enjoy each others company and spending time together as a family/1:1. I love being their mum and as much as I was initially disappointed to learn they were both boys those feeling passed quite quickly. Gender disappointment is real and not uncommon but give it time and it should pass for you too.

Emi199 · 19/11/2023 22:50

Congratulations OP. They’ll be best friends forever! What a gift. The only thing I’ll say is that, yes, you had one hell of a long and sad journey before getting your beautiful boys but I’d try to remind myself of all the women who still don’t have one baby at the end of many rounds of IVF. I have a friend like this. I was disappointed with my birth at first but then so relieved to have a safe arrival and a healthy baby. All the best!

StarDolphins · 19/11/2023 22:51

Op, you’re absolutely entitled to feel how you feel. I understand. I really wanted a girl. Don’t ever feel guilty about what your preference is.

Take a few days to grieve, then accept your cards, it will all be fine.

MissHoollie · 19/11/2023 22:51

I get you.
It will pass.
I have three girls and now it doesn't matter but I understand

EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/11/2023 22:51

PremiumRaa · 19/11/2023 22:35

I understand that boys can be affectionate and loving, but when I think about my life long term I imagined a daughter. Someone to become a friend and confidante in the way I don't think adult sons do.

I guess I can't let go of this feeling.

I think you're buying into gender stereotypes. There's no reason you can't have a close relationship with a son.

We have 2 sons. No infertility issues, but I had very problematic pregnancies, especially with DS1. I was in hospital for months before he was born. I'm very thankful that I ended up with two beautiful healthy babies.

Both my babies are now in their 20s I'm very close to DS1. He confides in me, rings me for long chats and we go to films an concerts together.

Ignore all the " boys are best" and "girls are hard work" comments.They also feed into gender stereotypes.

Hopefully you will have a lovely healthy little boy shortly, whom you will adore.

Onwardsandonwards · 19/11/2023 22:52

I was disappointed briefly when I found out I was having a second boy. He is now the most perfect person and we are sooo close, i wouldn’t change anything! Sit with the feelings, don’t feel bad, and let it pass x

HappyMe6 · 19/11/2023 22:52

You cannot help your emotions, but…. I bet there are an awful lot of people that would be grateful to have two healthy babies

PriOn1 · 19/11/2023 22:52

If it helps, with my second, I wanted a baby of the opposite sex to the one I got, but on arrival, I was so overwhelmed with love for that tiny person that it stopped mattering and became irrelevant.

I hope you can find the same kind of peace, OP, because wishing for something you haven’t got shouldn’t eat away at the pleasure you gain from what you do have.

sugarpops · 19/11/2023 22:53

I have 2 sons and 1 daughter. I love them all equally. The boys have been far far easier to parent than my daughter. I always imagined to have a similar relationship with my daughter and it's nothing like I imagined it to be. She's 12 and doesn't like me half the time. And the drama that comes with her and her friends.....just wow.

We are close don't get me wrong, but pre teen/teen girls vs pre teen/teen boys - give me boys any day.

MaraScottie · 19/11/2023 22:53

bakewellbride · 19/11/2023 22:25

Also to add there is a lot of stress and worry that comes with having daughters that doesn't come with sons. The minefield is when ear piercing is allowed / make up etc. If my ds has her own baby then I'll be worried to death about her in labour. And when mine are teens it'll be dd I'll be worried about out on her own at night rather than ds. Don't get me wrong I LOVE having one of each and feel so grateful to have a daughter but I'm not looking forward to a future ear piercing argument! With ds there presumably won't be such an argument.

Erm, I wouldn't exactly call ear piercing or make up a "minefield" - I think if this is the worst of the tween or teenage angst you have to deal with, you're doing well. I mean I know this is off topic but it's really not that big a deal I would have thought. And you absolutely may have this same conversation with a son.

From the mum of an 11 year old with pierced ears.

Pinkfluff76 · 19/11/2023 22:53

I’m really sorry. I’d feel the same as you. Don’t be hard on yourself and feel ashamed. Sending love

ChristmasCrumpet · 19/11/2023 22:56

@PremiumRaa This is going to be long, but I think it's important to know you aren't alone.

My first was a boy and I was disappointed, of myself and 6 friends I was the only one who didn't have a girl, so it stung that they were all comparing names and swapping tiny pink clothes and toys, and I was the odd one out.. He wasn't a mummy's boy either, and it had me pondering several times if I was even cut out to be a mother. He was much later diagnosed with additional needs, but having no frame of reference, I thought this was just what a boy was like. Unaffectionate, loud, uninterested, most days a battle. I saw the social media of "mother's and daughters" and being a girly girl, longed for that portrayed closeness, and cleaness, a best friend for life companionship, the "mini me" in pretty dresses and Barbie dolls, and looked at the stark difference at my experience as a mother.

When we then fell unexpectedly pregnant with DTwins, and the sonagrapher announced the first was a boy, I was a little panicked, but then she announced the second was a girl, and suddenly I felt ok. At this point, eldest DS was undiagnosed, and I expected a carbon copy of him. But at least I have a girl. Quiet, thoughtful, cuddly, I thought.

DTwins are nearly 4. Boy twin, is the most loving, sweetest, compassionate little soul. He is my shadow, even rushes to climb in my bath because he wants to be with mummy all the time. If he were my first, I would probably have many more children, as he would be what I was basing that decision on. He throws his little arms around me, and it's just perfect. He'll wander over, just to say he loves me, then wanders back off to whatever he was doing. He's fantastic.

Girl twin is a strange little character. Really quirky. Packs her pockets full of insects. Doesn't like dolls. Refuses dresses and skirts. Anything pink is a no go. And now I compare this experience to my 6 friends who have their now older daughters, I now realise how similar their experience is, Vs what they portray, mainly online. Turns out, very few girls are the pink frilly types society makes us think we're getting. We might be able to control the narrative (and dress code) whilst the child is under 2, but when they start becoming their own person, this soon fades. Mine is grubby, pokes about in the mud far more than either brother. She is a hurricane of a child, more "boy" than either of my actual boys.

I do understand your disappointment, and you'll think it's so easy for me to say, as I "got" a girl. But what society, media, even our own peers, lead us to believe what a mother/daughter relationship is, truly is not that. I'm sure you'll get someone come along soon enough and declare they are exactly like the matching mama/mini me gorgeous, giggling duos all over social media. They are the exception not the rule. I certainly do not have a girl in any shape of how girls are constantly portrayed to me.

Truly, if I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn't be bothered about having a girl at all. Please, believe me, and enjoy your boys.

bakewellbride · 19/11/2023 22:57

@EmmaGrundyForPM but on a thread about being sad about having a boy why aren't people allowed to say positive things about boys such as 'boys are the best'? Surely that's just a positive thing to try to balance out the negativity of the op.

Also I've heard the blazing rows between my next door neighbour and her daughter when she was a teen, it's not always necessarily a gender stereotype thing but people's genuine experience. I 100% do not buy into gender stereotypes but so far dd has been harder work than ds (although I love and cherish them then the same of course). Just the way it's gone.

Royaly82 · 19/11/2023 22:57

I totally understand. I am lucky enough to have had my son 1st followed by 2 daughters I then lost a baby I was convinced was a boy. When I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter I was so upset I really struggled through the whole pregnancy too. I was desperate for another boy. The second she was born I just fell completely in love and was just besotted with her now watching how close she is with her sister 2 years older it all makes sense and I can't imagine them not being together! You will feel like this when you see your two sweet boys together and be so thankful they have each other and it will be a joy watching them bond

Notfeelinghunkydory · 19/11/2023 22:59

I always saw myself as a mum of boys. I have 2 girls. I cried after my gender scan with my first. I was so upset so yes people feel the sane the other way around.

bakewellbride · 19/11/2023 23:00

@MaraScottie my apologies but to me personally the whole thing - make up / earrings etc is a minefield. I respect it isn't to you but to me it is. I'm 99.9999999% certain I won't have to think about any of this with ds.

EatMyHead · 19/11/2023 23:00

I wouldn't worry, OP -

As long as things keep going much as they are, at least one of your boys is bound to decide he's actually a girl and change sex anyway. Then you'll have your wish.

Overloadimplode · 19/11/2023 23:01

I don't know what typical girl things are. I have both, and it is my boy that I relate to better. He loves classical music, reading and drawing. My girl is amazing at sport and I never had that. I admire her a lot but we don't have similar interests.
Do you mean shopping and painting nails? You can do that with friends, you don't need a daughter for that.

JudgeJ · 19/11/2023 23:01

FilthyforFirth · 19/11/2023 22:13

I hate these threads. It is always bashing boys, people never seem disappointed to have girls... Given you thought you couldnt fall naturally I would focus on that.

When my second baby was born and they said It's a girl, I told them to have another look!

FunnysInLaJardin · 19/11/2023 23:01

when I was pregnant with my second son, a good friend said 'theres only one thing better than a baby boy, and that's two baby boys'

I completely agree.

I came from a girl family, I was one of 3 and everyone had girls. Not a boy in sight.

Well my two boys are an absolute delight. They are 4 years apart, but are as thick as thieves.

Would not swap them for the world

TLDRfuckers · 19/11/2023 23:03

It’s so sad to hear from someone who has suffered from infertility and IVF to say this. How would you feel if you weren’t pregnant at all? And could never be?

Wendyspotatopeeler · 19/11/2023 23:04

I had the opposite wanted a boy as my first, I was convinced it was a boy too. I'll never forget the ride home after the scan, completely dumbfounded, saddened and in shock that it was a girl. It took a few weeks to come round and get excited. I'm glad I had the scan to give me time to mentally adjust.

strawberriesarenot · 19/11/2023 23:04

My dm spent my childhood telling me and my sister that she'd only wanted boys. She wasn't joking. Don't let it show.

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