Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 21:16

I don't have anywhere to go, I could get a hotel but I don't feel unsafe
I wish I had the money for my own place but I just don't, it will take a while for me to save.
He's never abused me or hurt me before and I really don't think he will again. Obviously I won't be having sex with him again.
He doesn't know how to communicate and I think he's just moping right now due to a bruised ego. He's immature.
Thank you for all your concern and kind words but I do truly believe I'm safe.
I need to leave though when I can.

OP posts:

Mamette · 19/11/2023 21:16

an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

He did this (the painful sex) to punish you for this conversation ^

Now he is not speaking to you. He is an abuser.

You might think you can’t leave. Believe me, you can leave. It will just take a lot of effort, but it will be absolutely worth it.

soggytodger · 19/11/2023 21:16

He may be angry because he realises he has been abusive/effectively a rapist and doesn't want to own up to it even to himself so is blaming you. If you feel safe to do it, I would tell him that what he did was tantamount to rape, that he needs to find somewhere else to live or you will be going to the police.

LittleGlowingOblong · 19/11/2023 21:16

And he’s the one who’s sulking?!??

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

It’s a severe unconsensual violation. And as @Mamette points out, your prior argument was very much relevant context.

💐

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/11/2023 21:17

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:51

We live together, it's not as easy as just leaving. I don't have the funds, we're in a contract. I don't know anybody in this area.

I've tried to talk to him 3 times, he is just ignoring me, he's so upset with me but I have no idea what I've done and I'm in a lot of pain and now just feel like shit, it wasn't always like this

I bet your family would pay for your train or coach ticket to your parents or a sibling in a heartbeat. I would do this for my sister and put her up at my house. Phone them when he is next out, or nip out "to the shop for milk" and call them. Let them know that you want to leave him because he physically hurt you, they need no more details than that.

Once you have the money for a ticket, you leave when he is next out at work. Make sure you get all your essentials, your passport, birth certificate, essential medication, bank cards.

Don't worry too much about working your notice with your current employer. But do phone them once you reach safety to let them know why you quit the job without notice, as your line manager may agree to give you a reference as a personal favour under the circumstances. I know that I would.

Mikki77 · 19/11/2023 21:17

He doesn't care about you.

LEAVE

watchyourfriends · 19/11/2023 21:18

Please leave. Can you stay with family for the time being, just until you can’t sort out you contract.

GettingStuffed · 19/11/2023 21:18

Kick him out of your life.

soggytodger · 19/11/2023 21:18

You can also change the locks while he is out. He has effectively committed a crime.

soggytodger · 19/11/2023 21:20

He needs to go, not you. He committed the crime.

Missingmyusername · 19/11/2023 21:20

Yes, you have done something wrong and it’s all your fault - because you didn’t give him his own way. He already knew it would hurt you, he doesn’t want to talk to you because he would have to acknowledge that. Stop chasing him. He’s sulking because you prevented him enjoying himself.

He’s a nasty piece of work, get away from him. Get a hot water bottle and some pain relief, get some rest and I sincerely hope you throw him out!

bonzaitree · 19/11/2023 21:21

if you can’t afford your own place, can you get a house share or flat share?

Look on spare room.com. Sharing a house with a bunch of randoms will be better than staying with him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/11/2023 21:21

He was angry with you in the first place because you weren't happy about shit sex. He then wanted something that he knows hurt you and when you refused, he was so angry that he deliberately chose to do something to you that he knew would hurt you even more. And now he's angry with you because you know what he is. Violent, angry, abusive.

You haven't done anything wrong. He has - which is why he's punishing you now - so you don't realise just how abominable he has been to you.

He wanted to hurt you. So he did.

MasterBeth · 19/11/2023 21:22

It wasn't always like this.

Abusive men "play nice" to get near women. They don't reveal what they're like at first. But now you know.

He really doesn't give a shit that he has caused me this much pain.

As some others have said, can you imagine causing someone the pain he has inflicted you, on purpose, knowing it would cause them pain? And can you imagine then denying and minimising it? And can you imagine doing all this to the person you're supposed to love most of all?

Leave.

blackoverbillsmothers · 19/11/2023 21:22

He’s upset with you! Selfish pig. Get rid. You deserve better than him.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/11/2023 21:22

God almighty OP. Leave him. He hurt you deliberately and was only interested in his own pleasure. He’s an abusive arse and you know it.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 19/11/2023 21:23

You haven't done anything wrong. He's a cunt.

MasterBeth · 19/11/2023 21:25

He's never abused me or hurt me before and I really don't think he will again.

That's the optimistic hope that all abusive men rely on to keep women around as they escalate their abuse.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/11/2023 21:25

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 19/11/2023 21:23

You haven't done anything wrong. He's a cunt.

That's inappropriate language. Cunts have warmth and depth, he has neither.

What he is, is a rapist and an abuser.

Poppinjay · 19/11/2023 21:27

he's so upset with me but I have no idea what I've done

The only thing you have done is not to pretend you weren't in pain so he could enjoy sex the way he wants it. He doesn't care whether you enjoy sex. He wants to use you like a blow-up doll.

In healthy relationship, he would want you to enjoy sex as much as he does because your wishes and feelings would be important to him.

He has shown you that your needs are a lower priority to him than his own wishes. He's happy for you to be hurt in order for him to maximise his own pleasure and he's cross with you because you won't quietly cooperate.

When he realises you are leaving, he is likely to promise the earth to get you to stay. The next step will be either threatening to hurt himself or you or trying to tarnish your reputation with friends and family.

His behaviour is likely to escalate so don't be surprised if you start getting hurt in other ways. I understand why you don't want to walk away but you are at risk of further harm.

Please explore ways to leave now, even those that aren't ideal.

You deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with kindness and respect all the time, especially in the bedroom 💐

Lowtidelooter · 19/11/2023 21:28

In what way does the contract matter here? Report to the police, let your landlord/letting agent know the situation and then you could liaise via the police to work out who stays in the rental and who goes. The person who stays would pay the full rent, with help from family etc if needed. I don’t see why you should need to quit your job over this, but it’s clear the relationship needs to end now, not in a few months’ time.

Mari9999 · 19/11/2023 21:28

@Feelingsad192
Are you asking if it is okay for him to hurt you? What would you think would be an acceptable reason for him to intentionally hurt you?

CyberCritical · 19/11/2023 21:28

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 21:16

At the very least do you have a spare room that you could move into so you don't have to share a bed with him?

AdoraBell · 19/11/2023 21:28

That should be your ex boyfriend. He is abusing you and using you. Get rid of him.

jellybeanlover2 · 19/11/2023 21:30

You are not safe though are you? What he has done is totally wrong. You can leave or stay and get the locks changed. You need to leave and not be in contact with him. Contact Women’s Aid they will help you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21