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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:
Ansjovis · 19/11/2023 21:05

He's upset with you because you're just a body to him, not a sentient being. He was trying to pleasure himself and you ruined that by screaming and crying. That's why he's upset. You know that you're not just a body, you are a person who has the absolute right to agency over her own body. So, why are you chasing after him? What if this behaviour escalates and he kills or seriously injures you? Given that he's already treated you like an animate object it's really not that big a leap.

Contact Women's Aid. Barriers to leaving can be overcome and this should be your main focus right now.

BalletBob · 19/11/2023 21:05

Also just to add, you don't need him to understand or accept your decision to leave, if that's what you decide (and I sincerely hope it is). You don't need to explain anything to him. You can simply leave while he's at work if you want and never speak to him again. Don't feel like you owe him anything or need his permission to be safe and leave the relationship.

GreenhouseGarden · 19/11/2023 21:05

After two very traumatic births, sex can be painful for me. DH always has my comfort and pleasure as his priority , it literally would not occur to him todo otherwise.

please do not settle for less than you deserve

AyrshireTryer · 19/11/2023 21:05

Hello, man's perspective here - if you need one.
If he hurt you and it wasn't on purpose and he apologised profusely - maybe that's fine, maybe he made a mistake.
BUT He has hurt you, on purpose and is now sulking - that is not fine.

Do you think he will hurt you again? Does he hurt you in any other way? If a friend was in this position what would you advise them to do?

Read what you first wrote. You said no and he did it anyway.
That is non-consensual.
OP be strong.

MrsMarzetti · 19/11/2023 21:05

No, no and no. You do not put up with such abuse. Don't beg him to talk to you. He has just abused you and will do it again and again.

rainbowsparkle28 · 19/11/2023 21:06

Leave him. This is assault and abuse.

Katbum · 19/11/2023 21:07

ugh. Men with a doggy style obsession always wrong ‘uns. This is rape. Leave and never look back.

SimplyDiana · 19/11/2023 21:08

Get rid of him. He shouldn’t even be suggesting positions he knows are uncomfortable, let alone attempting them. What a repulsive human being.

MrsMoastyToasty · 19/11/2023 21:08

If he won't listen to you he might listen to the police when you report him to them for rape .

Night409 · 19/11/2023 21:09

Why do you need to wait until the contract ends?

You can move out and he can stay there.

You keep making excuses for him.
What he did was unforgivable. It sounds like he hates you.

You need to leave.

LimeCheesecake · 19/11/2023 21:09

Can you get out now? Just for tonight. Just go somewhere else where you’ll be safe and think from there. You can call in sick to work.

don’t try to talk to him, get out. Please. He knows he’s crossed a line, he’s not going to be emotionally stable, please go to a place of safety.

MissingMoominMamma · 19/11/2023 21:09

Wow. Sex is supposed to be about mutual enjoyment.

I don’t think I’d ever let him near me again. Would you?

I think you know what to do.

Good luck.

Blueeyedmale · 19/11/2023 21:10

Ladybughello · 19/11/2023 21:00

Uhh yeah. Usually I think MN is full of men haters and they jump at “leave him!” unnecessarily as a first response. This time I genuinely say “leave him”l!” That’s awful. You deserve better. ❤️

Absolutely this! I will be the first to admit I've got a lot of issues with me this stems from my childhood, this post is 100 per cent why this man should not be allowed near women, and the OP needs support to get away from him

On the subject of men haters on mumset I've seen a few posts this weekend where men have assaulted their partners, it seems to be getting worse, and I don't think that's to do with my issues towards men I think violence against women and emotional abuse by men is getting worse

Agapornis · 19/11/2023 21:10

He doesn't care about your pleasure or pain. He sexually assaulted and/or raped you. You need to get out asap before he does even worse. As others have said, call women's aid or your local organisation helping women in situations like yours. You're worth more than this.

Jl2014 · 19/11/2023 21:10

Dump him. What an absolute bastard. You can’t apply logic or reason to someone like this- you just need to get rid and move on. Sex should NEVER be like that.

MrsWhites · 19/11/2023 21:10

The endometriosis and pain it causes isn’t the issue here - he should have stopped because you told him no, full stop whether he thought it would be painful or not!

What he did here is abusive, firstly because he hurt you and you told him no and secondly because he is trying to gas light you into thinking you have done something wrong here!

It’s a fine line between this behaviour and rape - you need to get away from him before he crosses that line!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/11/2023 21:11

And you are staying with him because....?🤦‍♀️

PumpkinFence · 19/11/2023 21:11

OP, your relationship is over, he is abusive.
To let you know what us normal my DH if he even thinks he has accidentally hurt me during sec would immediately stop as he would be mortified and his ability to enjoy it would end. So for him to even contemplate doing something that he knows hurts me, or continues if I was in pain is just not in the realm of normal.
Please make plans to leave him. Also if the pain doesn’t ease think about maybe getting yourself checked out medically.

AyrshireTryer · 19/11/2023 21:13

OP you say you have no one to go to in your area.
Do you have your own car, can you drive to relatives or friends?
If not can you pack some things tomorrow and get on a coach or a train?
Even if it is for a few days to sort yourself out
Phone in sick to work, nasty stomach bug - whatever.
The contact for your property is not important. Your safety is.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 19/11/2023 21:13

I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit

ChaToilLeam · 19/11/2023 21:14

What a vile man. He is abusive, he doesn’t care that he hurt you. Please, do all you can to get away asap. Do you have family or friends that could help you, even lend you some money if you don’t have much to hand right now?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 19/11/2023 21:14

I voted YABU because why the fuck would you want him to talk to you when he has hurt you on purpose AND doesn't give a shit about you?

You need to leave him and block him and never see him again

DarkAcademia · 19/11/2023 21:15

Please don’t make excuses to stay with him - he assaulted you on purpose and there isn’t really any coming back from that. To hell with your lease. Get out of the flat and go home to your parents if you can and work it out from there.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 19/11/2023 21:15

Another one saying please leave him. Sorry this happened x

peachgreen · 19/11/2023 21:16

Get rid. End of story.