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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 19/11/2023 21:31

I have endo.

My DP has also done similar.

The first few times he was really apologetic and then he started blaming me.

Don't have sex with him again.

You probably don't need to leave immediately but it might be worth getting a grab bag ready so that if you do you have passport, driving licence etc with you.

My DP escalated and I wound up leaving the house with the police after he was violent to our daughter.

I'm really sorry, it's hard when they are not the person you thought they were.

haribosmarties · 19/11/2023 21:32

Please leave this absolute scumbag. You might think you love him and you've put all this effort into the relationship but honestly... he's a piece of shit. He got aggressive with you during sex. He never considers your pleasure.

Honestly this is a waste of your life.

Theresit · 19/11/2023 21:32

The short term pain of leaving will be nothing compared with what you’ll have to endure if you stay. Gather your courage and put your plans in place to get out asap.

noooooooo · 19/11/2023 21:32

Who are the 2% who think this is okay?

Seriously, fuck him, no way. Accidents do happen but what you described is intentional harm, that’s not how a decent person responds.

I get you like him and sometimes he can be nice but this is really important - he hurt you, on purpose, no matter what he says, then reacted appallingly and made it about him. Chase him.

If this is how he responds when you’re free to go, imagine how he’ll be when you’re not. 1000000000000 times no, I’d be ashamed of him if he was my son.

Petallove · 19/11/2023 21:32

He wanted to hurt you because he was angry that is never ok.

ilovemyspace · 19/11/2023 21:34

Ok, you can't leave at the minute, fair enough.

But stop asking him to speak to you and asking what's wrong.

You know what he's done wrong! HE knows what he's done wrong! This isn't up to you to fix - it's up to him.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 19/11/2023 21:34

Op you won't be the first couple to ever break up before the rental contract is up. If you're unmarried and renting it is easier than you think to leave. Much more complicated with children involved and a mortgage etc.. just get out now.

Sounds like you've bruised his ego and ruined his fun. He's horrible.

myotherkidisacassowary · 19/11/2023 21:35

Break up with this abusive POS

Orangeandgold · 19/11/2023 21:35

That’s horrible. He should have never done that. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being in that relationship.

Lieblingsessen · 19/11/2023 21:36

WeightWhat · 19/11/2023 20:59

Stop trying to talk to him.

Exactly.

Don't waste your time talking to him or worrying about what he thinks.

Everybody on here has told you you need to end the relationship.

You have stated the reasons why you can't because of the tenancy contract, being in an unfamiliar location. Okay, we understand you may not be able to walk out of your home immediately.

But, OP that doesn't mean you have to still be in a relationship with him. Stop treating him as a DP because his actions have clearly shown he is anything but that.

So don't engage with him in any way except as a standard housemate. No sex, no relationship, no further intimacies, no interest in what life he leads or what he thinks or says. Instead use your time to develop friendships, go to the gym or another external activity if you can afford it, while building up savings to move out.

Londonrach1 · 19/11/2023 21:37

Leave him

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/11/2023 21:38

He sexually assaulted you.

billy1966 · 19/11/2023 21:39

Please contact Women's aid.

He has clearly sexually assaulted you.

Women's aid will offer advice and support and will confirm that you could report him to the police.

He is a very bad man, utterly vile.

You poor woman.

Please reach out to friends and family and tell the truth.

Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 21:40

Okay so I got my answer. We just talked.
He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me. He said he stopped straight away and that I'm making this into a big thing.
In the argument before the sex I said I didn't want to give him head anymore because I don't get it from him and then because I then said no to the doggy he got pissed off with me apparently it's not up to me how the sex goes(?)
So he hurt me on purpose but because he stopped straight away and has now said sorry he thinks I'm making this into a big thing?
It's not like I stabbed you he said.
That's exactly what the pain feels like though.

OP posts:
VeronicaSawyer89 · 19/11/2023 21:40

The equivalent of what he did to you would be to kick him in the balls and then ask why he was crying.

Snazzysausage · 19/11/2023 21:41

Dear god, you must leave him. It's shocking he could deliberately hurt you in that way.

caringcarer · 19/11/2023 21:41

Dump him. He doesn't care about giving you pleasure. He essentially raped you as you said stop but he ignored you. It won't get better. Find someone who cares about you and put your pleasure first.

N27 · 19/11/2023 21:42

Why on earth are you trying to talk to him??

you have done absolutely nothing wrong he is a vile evil rapist!

STOP feeding his ego and giving him the attention he is craving. STOP trying to talk to him, he isn’t worth the energy and people like him are ima capable of a reasonable conversation so don’t waste your energy.

focus 110% on yourself. Run yourself a bath, get yourself some food, focus on healing yourself and creating a calm and strong mind, both now and for the future.

if you can’t leave right now, start putting ducks in a row until you can. Create a plan for leaving and start working towards it. Make no mistake, things will not get better and you will not live happily every after with this person. Put yourself first x

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstotheyard · 19/11/2023 21:42

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 21:40

Okay so I got my answer. We just talked.
He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me. He said he stopped straight away and that I'm making this into a big thing.
In the argument before the sex I said I didn't want to give him head anymore because I don't get it from him and then because I then said no to the doggy he got pissed off with me apparently it's not up to me how the sex goes(?)
So he hurt me on purpose but because he stopped straight away and has now said sorry he thinks I'm making this into a big thing?
It's not like I stabbed you he said.
That's exactly what the pain feels like though.

He's an abusive, rapist piece of shit. Stop making excuses and leave him.

Radiat · 19/11/2023 21:42

He assaulted you intimately. That is terrifying behaviour, IMO.

Please, I know you say it isn’t as easy as just leaving , but he is a dangerous man. Anyone who can do what he did to you can’t be trusted. I’d contact women’s aid for advice on what to do next.

Halllooo · 19/11/2023 21:42

Leave that rapey scumbag immediately. Sex is supposed to be fun, intimate, enjoyable. Not painful, not non consensual, not something that makes you feeling sore, upset, worried or writing posts on MN about…

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/11/2023 21:43

He's upset?

Forget that, it's a weird ploy to deflect from the fact his actions made you scream in PAIN. What on earth has he got to be upset about, he's not the victim here.
how long to go on the contract? I'd make some inquiries into the possibility of terminating early, it might suit the landlord to do that.

user1471556818 · 19/11/2023 21:43

X boyfriend now I hope .You are worth so much more

SeulementUneFois · 19/11/2023 21:43

VeronicaSawyer89 · 19/11/2023 21:40

The equivalent of what he did to you would be to kick him in the balls and then ask why he was crying.

Exactly.
It would be a very bad idea because he would probably batter you but it would serve him right.

Iwantthistobemyyear · 19/11/2023 21:44

He's not going to rationally ever see your perspective because if he was a rational person who would never have done that to you in the first place. Don't waste your energy into trying to make him see. Put it all into you. Women's aid might be able to help you leave. Just because he's never assaulted you before, doesn't mean her won't.