Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

[Feelingsad192]

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP - you need to end this relationship. but I think you’ve come to that conclusion too.

The practicalities sound tough, have you moved areas for work? Do you have friends and family in an old area?

Can you get out this week? Is there someone you could go to even if they aren’t close by?

He knows bloody well he has sexually assaulted you and is nervous of the fact that you could well go to the police.

He is absolute scum that is trying to convince you and himself that he hasn't committed the crime of sexual assault.

You need to get medical attention for your injuries.

This is a really bad man.

He is completely focused on covering his arse and gaslighting you.

Please get medical attention.

I would if I had a personality disorder and was thus incapable of empathy.

Glad you see the problem OP. Text friends, make plans tomorrow, do not, do not engage with this man.

He’s admitted he did it on purpose but thinks that because he stopped and had given some half arsed apology you should just get over it. Fuck that. This is a massive deal. Glad you’re making plans to get out, what’s stopping you from making it happen sooner?

Please try us again at Womens Aid.. sometimes there is a wait but we will get to you. Its worth it OP. You need support, help, advice and believe me we have heard everything at WA ...do not be embarrassed about explaining to us, sadly, we are used to these stories. We dont judge. We are compassionate and all of us at WA are very angry at how some men treat women and actively support only the woman and children. Xx

This is sexual assault. What a prick.

Dear OP, he hurt you and doesn’t care and is trying to make out you have done something wrong. Please get rid of him and find a man who will respect you and try to give you pleasure not pain. You deserve so much better. He is a selfish dick. You are worth so much more.

I’m thinking the same. You should see your GP unless you have a GYNAE.

When he slept on the sofa, he was still punishing you with the silent treatment. You've stopped chased him trying to find out why he did it, so now he's realising that the silent treatment doesn't work any more. His new tactic is gaslighting you ("it's definitely not abuse") and minimisation ("its not a big deal") to make you doubt your own judgement and perceptions of his behaviour (which is why you wrote "I'm so confused").

Be prepared for him to try to share a bed with you tonight "because it wasn't a big deal, we've sorted it so we're alright now" and do not allow him to do so. You are at risk of him raping you whilst you sleep; from first-hand experience I can assure you that you do not want that.

I recommend that you put a "go bag" together with essential meds, passport, toothbrush, bras, toothpaste, contact lenses, spare glasses, comb, a spare pair of knickers, work keys/passcard. This is in case he escalates tonight and you need to leave in a hurry. It can be a big handbag if you are worried about him suspecting your intentions. Keep the amount in the bag down by sticking to things that are hard to replace, don't bother with things like clean t-shirts and multiple pairs of knickers as they can be easily bought.

I'm taking bets that this turd of a man's next step will be "love bombing" at 3:1.

I'll counter propose, him doubling down on gaslighting with phrases like 'none of my exs behaved like this' and 'all my friends think you're being dramatic' also at 3:1.

Recon the lovebombing might be held off until she actually leaves and he's shitting himself that she might report him to the police.

Could go either way though.

He’s gaslighting you OP. He knows he did & is now concerned it might actually comeback on him.
He will keep telling you it’s not abuse or rape until you believe him & he’ll try to put the blame on you - which I see he’s started to do. He’s also admitted he did it on purpose to hurt you.
Keep letting him know his bullshit isn’t working & you know he forced you into a position you didn’t want, don’t let him get away with saying he stopped- he still forced you.

He still did it @Feelingsad192 , just to show you and him that he could. It doesn't matter how long he did it for. When I was violently raped it was like that too. They get off psychologically from the violation/conquest.

Stopping while raping someone doesn’t mean that the rape didn’t happen.
He refused to take no for an answer. That is rape.
He forced you into a sexual position knowing it would cause you pain. That is rape.

It has been 8 hours since @Feelingsad192 last posted.

I hope you are okay

He's saying it isn't abuse that much to try and convince both yourself and him of that fact

This. I hope you’re ok op.

Rental Contract:
Even in a contract you can leave early, potentially loosing your deposit, but demand for housing is high and the easiest way out is to advertise for someone to take over your part of the contract.

if it’s a 1 bed you can’t very well invite someone else to share his bed, so you tell him and the landlord you are leaving, giving them both notice in writing. He can take over your rent or leave too.

No amount of money is worth the stress of staying if you don’t want to. There is always a lesson in each relationship- and this would maybe be a good teachable moment for you both to end it and grow from it. This might be a more important kind of love than the kind that forgives, placates, understands and tries harder.

Also, speak to your GP if pain continues. This isn’t normal.

JFC which part of "he is abusing her" do you fail to understand?

Love thy rapist ?

I think this is a situation that amply illustrates that you should really know a person - including sexually - before committing to them for that rest of your life.

He didn't attack her because of lack of self control. He did so out of spite. He even admitted this. Rape is not the result of loss of control, it is a violent act committed TO control and inflict harm on others.

It is by mentally reducing men to animals that cannot control their own behaviour that we allow them to commit acts of cruelty under 'boys will be boys'. Dehumanising men by making out they can't control their behaviour is just as detrimental to women as it is men.

As sick as our sex obsessed society can be...monsters are perfectly capable of existing irregardless. And most people don't turn into rapists just because they enjoy and endulge bit of hanky panky.

It might have been absolutely fair to for example, to advise to avoid men who regularly endulge in porn viewing, as it can squew their view of women. But its certainly not fair of you to imply that op having sex with her partner somehow leads to him being a creepy, rapey weirdo.

Abstinence is a valid life choice. People aren't 'asking for it' if it's not their life choice though.

How are you feeling OP? I've been thinking of you this week.

I truly hope you are safely away from this man now, @Feelingsad192. If ever a man showed you his underlying true nature. Ask for more consideration and fun in bed? Get a dose of sexual violence to teach you not to upset the prick’s ego.

Stuff like this is never a one off, but once is definitely more than enough to look after yourself by getting the hell out.