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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:
randomusernam · 20/11/2023 08:34

Because he sees you as his sex doll only to perform for him and it doesn't matter about your pleasure. No respect for you. Life is too short to stay with a man who doesn't make effort to ensure you enjoyed it. I never fake it with my husband and he gets me there every time. He takes the time to make sure I enjoy it first. He says he likes seeing me enjoy it and it makes it better for him.

He is the only man who has done this for me. Many others were like your bf and just interested in their own pleasure.

GracePalmer33 · 20/11/2023 08:34

He is a wrong one. Screw loose. Something not right about him. Wired wrong, etc. It will only get worse; never better.

sashh · 20/11/2023 08:54

CaroleSinger · 19/11/2023 20:50

No he essentially didn't. On what planet is putting her foot on his shoulder rape? Watering down rape leads to women not being believed.

Show quote history

When you don't consent, at that point it is rape.

OP

Get out ASAP. Talk to women's aid or a local charity. Don't worry about a contract or funds, start planning to get out now.

Dream246 · 20/11/2023 08:58

Morning OP, I'm sure you've got loads on your mind this morning but just checking in, are you OK?

Loubelle70 · 20/11/2023 09:07

Im bowing out of this thread, however just reminder to OP that she can contact us at Womens Aid, tell whomever you speak to what youve told us on here. Theyll elevate this to MARAC. You will be protected, youve got to take that first step. You dont have to speak there is also a chat function too. All the best OP XX

XlemonX · 20/11/2023 09:53

His ego was hurt by you expressing concerns in the bedroom and he feels not enough but they was he dealt with it says it all. Not only did he hurt you physically, he is now also ignoring you!!
There is no future with someone like that. I would run for the hills

StmMary · 20/11/2023 09:54

Oh dear, lovely, please don't even think about talking to him. He's abused you sexually..
No man who loved and cared about would behave like this.
This isn't making love this is a man thinks of himself only.

porridgeisbae · 20/11/2023 11:14

And I also agree with the consensus that this is rape. He punished you by raping you. This time he stopped. Perhaps next time he won’t.

It doesn't even matter how long they go on for of course. Often they don't do it for long, because they're doing it to prove a point/dominate. So once they've done it, they've done it. It shows that it's not about sex, it's a form of violent control.

madeinmanc · 20/11/2023 11:20

Fucking hell, just checked the OP's posts to see how the thread developed and now I just feel ill. Sometimes I love being a single woman. I mean I really love it. Fuck men, that big bunch of bastards. ☹️

porridgeisbae · 20/11/2023 11:21

It wasn't rape. You find people like watering rape down for dramatic effect but I think even they know what the outcome will be if you told the police you believe you were raped because he put your foot on his shoulder. He obviously doesn't care about you and that's another issue but I really don't think people help the cause by calling rape at things which clearly were not rape. Its a bit like saying my DH raped me because he asked me to shut the curtains but I said no twice.

I'm not sure what went on but if he was still penatrating her, that is rape. Consent is conditional on the particular acts agreed to and he knew she wouldn't consent to that position, but did it anyway.

If he wasn't penetrating her at the time but he knows having her legs in that position is painful and he put them there, then that's pretty nasty still. It also had the implied threat of rape because of course the implication of him putting her legs there is that he was going to go into that position that is very painful for her and she doesn't consent to.

It's still pretty disgusting either way.

@Feelingsad192 Do you think if you say you won't shag him again, he'll just go 'ah ok, fair enough' and there won't be any emotional or physical attempts to make your life difficult? Seems unlikely.

AnyOldThings · 20/11/2023 11:23

He assaulted you during sex.
He sexually assaulted you.
This will only get worse.
Leave him no matter how hard it is.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/11/2023 11:32

CaroleSinger · 20/11/2023 08:04

It wasn't rape. You find people like watering rape down for dramatic effect but I think even they know what the outcome will be if you told the police you believe you were raped because he put your foot on his shoulder. He obviously doesn't care about you and that's another issue but I really don't think people help the cause by calling rape at things which clearly were not rape. Its a bit like saying my DH raped me because he asked me to shut the curtains but I said no twice.

Show quote history

Of course it’s rape. He penetrated her in a position he knew to be painful for her and to which she didn’t consent. In what world is that not rape ?

Left · 20/11/2023 11:32

Hi Op, this might be hard to process, if you’re struggling to make sense of things I’d recommend talking to the charity Rape Crisis. Look after yourself and stay safe x

ManateeFair · 20/11/2023 11:38

He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me

That's a violent sexual assault.

rainbowstardrops · 20/11/2023 11:46

I know you've said you can't leave just yet but can you at least sleep in a different room to him? I'd never trust him near me ever again to be honest! He purposely hurt you and even if he's never done anything like that before, he has now and it could just get worse and worse.

EtiennePalmiere · 20/11/2023 12:21

ManateeFair · 20/11/2023 11:38

He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me

That's a violent sexual assault.

Slightly beside the point but it's interesting how often the men in these threads don't even try to hide how awful they are. They must know they're operating in a world basically without consequences for horrible acts by men.

Copperoliverbear · 20/11/2023 12:27

You didn't do anything, you absolutely can't stay with him, this will just get worse and could end up dangerous.
Please please leave.
Everyone on here is saying not to stay please listen to us, we are only telling you for your own safety. X

Bumblebeestiltskin · 20/11/2023 12:30

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 21:40

Okay so I got my answer. We just talked.
He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me. He said he stopped straight away and that I'm making this into a big thing.
In the argument before the sex I said I didn't want to give him head anymore because I don't get it from him and then because I then said no to the doggy he got pissed off with me apparently it's not up to me how the sex goes(?)
So he hurt me on purpose but because he stopped straight away and has now said sorry he thinks I'm making this into a big thing?
It's not like I stabbed you he said.
That's exactly what the pain feels like though.

This man is dangerous and you NEED to leave.

CharlieCoCo · 20/11/2023 12:32

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:51

We live together, it's not as easy as just leaving. I don't have the funds, we're in a contract. I don't know anybody in this area.

I've tried to talk to him 3 times, he is just ignoring me, he's so upset with me but I have no idea what I've done and I'm in a lot of pain and now just feel like shit, it wasn't always like this

you havent done anything wrong, but by him doing this he is gaslighting you into thinking you are to blame not him. he will be expecting you to appologise for how he feels and making out you caused this situation. it is abuse. he effectively raped you and now emotionally/psycholoigically abusing you. just remmeber, you are the victim here, not him, its not for you to make him happy here.

porridgeisbae · 20/11/2023 12:43

@Feelingsad192 Have you been there more than a year? If so you're probably not in a long contract anymore; it goes to rolling monthly and you just give a month's notice. Have a double check what the contract says. Unless they made you sign a new one for a new year.

Whattodo112222 · 20/11/2023 12:46

Do not for one second consider continuing your relationship with this dangerous man.

unsync · 20/11/2023 12:56

Please don't minimise what he's done or the effect it may have on you. You absolutely should contact Women's Aid. You can talk it all through with them and they can advise and help you going forward. I have had help from WA, they were great.

If you do nothing, he will think he's got away with it and things may escalate, especially as he doesn't seem to think there was much wrong with what he did.

StopStartStop · 20/11/2023 13:22

If a woman tells a man no, and he goes ahead anyway, that's rape. Actual rape. This man also demands oral sex and a variety of positions without considering the needs or health circumstances of his partner. He's an abuser.
He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me.
OP, get out of there.

Spyral · 20/11/2023 14:08

I thought about this thread when I read the news just now about a woman in her 20s dying from injuries after being found in a house in Dewsbury. And a man being searched for, found, and being charged with murder.

I immediately thought that I hope it's not the OP in this thread. I know that's unlikely given how astoundingly common these assaults on women by their partners seems to be and I really hope OP posts again at some point so we know she's ok.

Regardless, it's an awful news story 😢

porridgeisbae · 20/11/2023 14:11

😥