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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 20/11/2023 18:25

OP, Women's Aid won't involve the police. Only you could make that decision; they can't make it for you.

I think perhaps the thread has got a bit waylaid by people arguing whether or not what happened to you was rape, which I suspect probably isn't very helpful. Regardless of the definition, the facts are that he deliberately hurt you sexually because he was angry, and then blamed you for his act of sexual violence. He also told you that 'you don't get to decide how sex goes' which is a very, very nasty threat. This behaviour is abusive, violent, coercive and sadistic and he is a danger to you.

You've recognised that your partner is abusive, which is a difficult first step, so well done for facing up to this. Please do try Women's Aid again. It's really important that you get some proper advice and that you can start planning to get away from this awful man. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this horrible abuse xx

zeibesaffron · 20/11/2023 18:31

Leave him now, block him and run do not walk… for a start this was not consensual and secondly he hurt you, he knew he would and he did it anyway… imagine that was your friend telling you this - you would say leave and never go back!!! Take your own advice you know this is not right - stop begging him to talk to you and take this silence as an opportunity to go!

pleasehelpwi3 · 20/11/2023 18:56

I do not understand how 2% have voted YABU. They are wrong.

RantyAnty · 20/11/2023 19:07

pleasehelpwi3 · 20/11/2023 18:56

I do not understand how 2% have voted YABU. They are wrong.

There's quite a few angry males who enjoy being nasty to women on here.

Hopefully one day MN will implement the block button.

PaminaMozart · 20/11/2023 19:37

@Feelingsad192 - perhaps you may find it easier to focus on practical stuff? Call SHE LTER for advice on how to get out of your tenancy and get alternative accommodation.

As far as WA is concerned, all you have to say is "my boyfriend did something horrible to me while he forced me to have sex. I feel unsafe, I need to leave, but I don't know how. Can you help me?"

Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 19:46

This thread is really validating as I have barely got an apology from him. Last time we spoke he denied it was abuse, told me I was making this into a big deal etc.
He slept on the sofa last night, I didn't ask him to he just did. Hasn't spoken a word to me since.

I called in sick to work today as I've pain all night, he hasn't checked in on me, tried to talk to me, apologised properly or expressed any remorse.

I'd still not want to continue the relationship if he had done any of the above but it's still so shit

I don't know who this person is

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 20/11/2023 19:53

@Feelingsad192 maybe you should get checked out? he could have caused an actual injury?

Calliopespa · 20/11/2023 19:53

I’m glad you’ve realised he’s not the person you thought he was. I would take advantage of the fact he is not talking to avoid stirring him up further while you organise to get away as soon as possible. He won’t stay silent for long. There are people ready to help, you just need to take that step of reaching out .

BestZebbie · 20/11/2023 19:55

Please be careful - you have said that 'obviously you won't be having sex with him anymore' (the right thing to do in this circumstance), but can you guarantee that he will respect that for more than a few days given he has just unequivocally demonstrated that he puts his own access to sex as a priority over your consent? I am concerned that you cannot guarantee it and that he is probably bigger and stronger than you.

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 19:55

I'd make sure to barricade the door of whichever room you sleep in at night just incase as he will probably try to sneak back into bed and tell you you are being unfair if you don't let him.

Get out as soon as you can but in the mean time, lock the door or push a chest of drawers or sofa or whatever in front of it at night so he can't sneak in.

He'll start telling you in a few days thar you should be over it. It'll be 'Im sorry, there i said I was sorry, what more do you want!' And 'you're always overreacting' ect .

It's assault and he belongs in a jail cell. He needs to minimise and convince you you are crazy now because the alternative isn't just you leaving him, its him going to prison. He knows this.

You've seen who he really is now. Don't ket him pull the wool back over your eyes.

anythinginapinch · 20/11/2023 19:59

Bloody hell OP. He's appalling. Absolutely intolerable.

Lowtidelooter · 20/11/2023 19:59

I’m so so sorry this is happening right now. In my experience, people like him aren’t interested in their wrongs, their flaws and accountability for their actions and are quick to project blame and guilt onto others instead. Do be prepared though that if he thinks you are leaving, it could get ugly or he could start begging and pleading with you. Neither of those are desirable. That’s the only reason I’d involve the police, not necessarily to actually press charges, but just so they can be there while you get your things out to stop him kicking off - it just sounds like he is the type that would try to stop you from going. Otherwise if you have a family member or friend that can be there? It takes an average of women 7 attempts to leave an abuser for a reason. Also when I took the freedom programme, which was incredible btw, they stipulated you had left the abusive relationship or at the very least didn’t live with the abuser. The very first step is getting out and staying out, with support from whoever you need.

Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 20:23

I am so confused.
He has now tried to talk to me to ask if I'm okay, I've told him no.
He said because he stopped straight away when I screamed its not a big deal, he keeps repeating it's definitely not abuse and he was confused because we had just had an argument but it's not like he carried on so it's not abuse and not a big deal that I'm making it out to be

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 20:24

He also thinks I'm not in pain and I'm faking it

OP posts:
BlueEyedPeanut · 20/11/2023 20:28

He did it to hurt you. That's what you need to remember. Him stopping after you screamed doesn't change that he used his penis to intentionally hurt you out of anger.

Calliopespa · 20/11/2023 20:28

Oh … well that didn’t take long fof his sympathy and contrition to begin wearing off: faking it. Please just tell him you aren’t ready to talk, you are going to sleep. Try not to aggravate the situation and please: leave as soon as you can. You can come for your things later. There will be a way to find support for that.

Hiddenvoice · 20/11/2023 20:30

@Feelingsad192 he’s most likely starting to panic. He’s trying to convince you you’re okay. He will soon become apologetic and try make you believe that it’s all okay.

I’m glad everyone here is validating your feelings. Hopefully by reading everyone’s responses you’ll realise that he has abused you.

I know it’s scary making that first step of WA but you’ve already come so far by reaching out to all of us. We’re all strangers and want to help you. We want to know you’re safe.

Please try again with the live chat, just chatting to someone might help you. Have you spoken to anh friends or family?

Calliopespa · 20/11/2023 20:31

OP you can always come back. I’m absolutely not suggesting it, but if it helps you to leave, then look at it that way. But please get away from him until you can get some headspace to work through this in a safe environment.

anon2134 · 20/11/2023 20:31

Get him to fuck op. Life is too short for this shit.

Hope you're ok.

Mari9999 · 20/11/2023 20:31

@Feelingsad192
There is what he says and what you feel. Which do you believe?

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 20:32

Don't waste your breath talking about it with him.

I mean the guy literally told you that 'it's not up to you' how you have sex. To your face!

And then he assaulted you.

And then confirmed to you that he meant to assault you. Straight from his own mouth.

He's a creepy bastard so his opinions mean fuck all.

There's no point discussing it with him. He's only going to keep gaslighting you.

Just work on getting out of there ASAP.

MrsElsa · 20/11/2023 20:38

Would you get angry at someone because you hurt them and they screamed?

He sounds dangerous OP. Is there anyone you can stay with ?

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 20/11/2023 20:43

Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 17:22

Will they involve the police? I wouldn't want that

don't be afraid, to even if you fo talk to the police they won't take further than you want them to.

nocoolnamesleft · 20/11/2023 20:46

He's read the abusers' handbook. DARVO. Deny, accuse, reverse victim/offender. He's denying that he sexually assaulted/raped you/hurt you on purpose. He's accusing you of making up the pain. He's making out that this is all terribly unfair on him. Do not let him wear you down. He has shown you exactly who he is: believe him.

Mumofone2023 · 20/11/2023 20:55

Very strange he's asked if you're okay but thinks you're faking your pain. The fact he thinks you're faking your pain just goes to show he isn't sorry and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He sounds absolutely horrendous - don't let him gaslight you. He is trying to make you believe it's no big deal - when in fact it is a very big deal. Your safety is paramount here, please prioritise yourself over him and his feelings in the matter. Relationships are about trust and he's broken that completely by his actions. You deserve better.

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