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Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/11/2023 14:26

@Feelingsad192

When he penetrated you in a position that he knew would hurt you, that was rape.

He has confirmed in your conversation that he knew bit would hurt you, and that is why he did it. Again, proof of rape, because you would not consent to being penetrated in a position that would hurt you. He raped you to punish you, to show you that you do not have permission to object to his sexual demands.

He has also signaled that he is going to use your body for sex in any way he feels like in future and neither your pain nor your consent matter to him. He said you don't get to decide how sex goes.

This man is a rapist. He does not accept the idea of consent at all. He uses sex as a way to demonstrate his power and your powerlessness.

Please, please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247, and talk. You will get all the support you need to leave him and move to a safe place. You cannot be forced to stay with an abuser because of a contract.

You should also call your nearest Rape Crisis centre.

Lowtidelooter · 20/11/2023 14:36

I really don’t think it was since that poor woman was found with the serious injuries at 6.43pm last night, and died later. OP was posting here until gone 11pm last night. It’s true, a woman is killed every four days by a current or former partner in this country.

RantyAnty · 20/11/2023 14:42

Spyral · 20/11/2023 14:08

I thought about this thread when I read the news just now about a woman in her 20s dying from injuries after being found in a house in Dewsbury. And a man being searched for, found, and being charged with murder.

I immediately thought that I hope it's not the OP in this thread. I know that's unlikely given how astoundingly common these assaults on women by their partners seems to be and I really hope OP posts again at some point so we know she's ok.

Regardless, it's an awful news story 😢

Yes it happens so much to women so many women abused, violated, and murdered but then you've got people on here defending these brutal men.
It's insane.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/11/2023 14:47

sashh · 20/11/2023 08:54

When you don't consent, at that point it is rape.

OP

Get out ASAP. Talk to women's aid or a local charity. Don't worry about a contract or funds, start planning to get out now.

Show quote history

At any point if you do not consent its rape.

It's not difficult @CaroleSinger

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 15:13

So first off he was shit at sex and super selfish.

Now he's not just shit at sex and selfish, he hurt you sexually - on purpose/out of anger, and ignored consent (you didn't give it).

Now he's huffing and angry with you/punishing you for his behaviour.

None of these are things are partner material.

There is probably a way of breaking the contract. Maybe WA could get you some legal advice on that. They have a legal advisor here on e a week.

mansviewpoint · 20/11/2023 15:25

You are not a sex doll, or someone he's watched on pornhub. It's that simple, that's how he wants to treat you, and you are worth more than that. He doesn't care about your feelings.
One of the most wonderful things is to excite your partner and give them joy during and after love making. get rid of him.

EtiennePalmiere · 20/11/2023 15:31

mansviewpoint · 20/11/2023 15:25

You are not a sex doll, or someone he's watched on pornhub. It's that simple, that's how he wants to treat you, and you are worth more than that. He doesn't care about your feelings.
One of the most wonderful things is to excite your partner and give them joy during and after love making. get rid of him.

From your man's viewpoint, is he a rapist ?

PaminaMozart · 20/11/2023 15:34

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 23:39

I don't believe that was rape?
He asked for doggy twice to which I said no and then he put my leg on his shoulder, I screamed and he walked out of the room.
I do agree it was abuse but not rape?

I hope you've read the responses since you posted this last night? Virtually everyone says that it WAS rape - surely you can see this, despite all his attempts to minimise and brainwash.

Please call please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

And the police, your GP and/or a rape crisis center/charity.

Call Shelter about your housing options.

You will feel better and stronger if you are proactive and take steps to find a way out/forward. Don't let him coerce you into putting up with such horrifying abuse.

MoaningMolly · 20/11/2023 15:35

I never say this.. but leave him. Someone that will use sex as a physical weapon. Disgusting.

JenniferJuniper80 · 20/11/2023 16:13

Don't ignore this massive red flag!

What he did is a total deal breaker, dump his sorry arse now. He will not change, if you stay with him this abuse will continue.

Restinggoddess · 20/11/2023 16:43

There is a film on Netflix called Fair play

The dynamic between the couple changes during the film
The ending - builds with tension to and argument, which leads to her initiating sex which then changes to a scene of rape. However I reckon many people would have varying views on it especially on a jury

Your story reminded me of this - you said he was immature and the film is very much about bruised male ego which we females tread around on eggshells

You have had also of advice on here from people who care and bring life experience

You have indicators that the sex between you is very much for his benefit and not equal

Only you can decide but ultimately this man does not love and respect you - please hold yourself in higher esteem, you deserve to be loved and to be happy. Free from the bruised ego of an immature man who has the physical capacity to hurt you at will

I wish you all the best - please leave him

Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 17:13

I did try to live chat womens aid today but it was a bit of a wait and as I was waiting I talked myself out of it, I didn't know what I would say, I find it embarrassing talking to a stranger about sex positions

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 20/11/2023 17:15

If it’s live chat could you not think of it as the same as writing in here? You could even copy and paste your OP if you didn’t want to type it out again

LimeCheesecake · 20/11/2023 17:18

There’s nothing you could say they’ve not heard a version of before. But you could just say your partner deliberately hurt you during sex and you don’t want to talk about the details, but talk about where you go from here.

do you have any friends you could contact- even if they aren’t local?

vernatheraven · 20/11/2023 17:19

Please leave op.

He has admitted he did what he did on purpose to hurt you.

He has sexually assaulted you because he didn't get his own way.

What next? People like this only escalate.

Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 17:22

Will they involve the police? I wouldn't want that

OP posts:
soggytodger · 20/11/2023 17:29

Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 17:13

I did try to live chat womens aid today but it was a bit of a wait and as I was waiting I talked myself out of it, I didn't know what I would say, I find it embarrassing talking to a stranger about sex positions

Very well done for taking this first step, it's really important. I really hope you try again, you don't have to go in to detail at all and they will be extremely understanding

MissMistyy · 20/11/2023 17:29

No, womens aid won't involve the police if you don't want them to. They will however support you if you choose to report this to the police.

soggytodger · 20/11/2023 17:30

Feelingsad192 · 20/11/2023 17:22

Will they involve the police? I wouldn't want that

If you don't want that, then no

newtlover · 20/11/2023 17:32

No, womens aid will NOT involve the police or even try and persuade you to

please do speak to them and have a safe space to explore what happened and how you feel and what your options are

you would be speaking/texting with someone you don't know, its anonymous, and while I get that its embarrassing to talk about sex sometimes, I promise you will they not be shocked or surprised

if you can find a way to do it safely without your partner knowing, please do the freedom programme (it can be done online but much better in person) I'd be surprised if there are other things hes's doing which are actually quite bad, its just that you have got used to them

pleasehelpwi3 · 20/11/2023 17:38

Nothing new to add, but very sorry to read that this happened to you. At best sexual assault, more likely rape. Please leave. Good luck

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 20/11/2023 17:39

I am very sorry this happened to you. Have you reached out to anyone supportive in real life?

Talk this through with someone you know if you are able. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about here at all.

porridgeisbae · 20/11/2023 17:41

Well done for thinking of the WA chat @Feelingsad192 , have another go when you can.

I agree with @newtlover , the freedom programme is great IRL.

WA won't do anything you don't want- they're just there to help you.

soggytodger · 20/11/2023 17:41

OP, you have had an extremely traumatic experience with a person who you thought you could trust inflicting considerable pain on you and then telling you that your feelings about it are wrong. It is very important you talk through this experience and and get help navigating what to do next.

Calliopespa · 20/11/2023 18:13

OP I sensed really on in this thread you were worried about involving the police. The answer is no, and you don’t have to report it to them if you don’t want to. It’s probably the “ right “ thing to do in the sense that the police would think it is the sort of thing they want to be involved with to safeguard you and others HOWEVER the really important bit is that you remove yourself from danger. I can understand the your reluctance to involve the police and you are under no obligation to. But please go somewhere safe. If I were you I would also do that as low key as possible; don’t say you’re leaving, but just that you want a bit of space for a little bit after what took place.

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