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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

310 replies

Minniliscious · 19/11/2023 15:10

Just wanting to get some more views on this as I am feeling really bad right now.

DH and I booked Friday as leave to get things done around the house etc …. Car battery had gone flat and DH arranged for a neighbour to help with this. I was decluttering and deep cleaning ready for Christmas and making cupcakes for DS Christmas fayre at school. Just very busy all day with planned stuff to do.

A neighbour that I bump into now and then (wouldn’t say we know each other that well but are friendly) text me to say that she was bored and could she pop round for a cuppa and a chat (she had seen the car outside). I text back “Sorry but really not convenient today! We’ve booked the day off to declutter etc but let me know when you’re next free” I forgot about it and just carried on. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door and it’s her! She was like “Hi put the kettle on you sound like you need a break” I asked if she had got my text and she went “yeah but you’re not out out, you’re around so I won’t stay long.” I really didn’t know what to say , I was speechless. We walked through to the kitchen, I put the kettle on but suddenly felt really irritated and said “actually I really can’t stop for a cuppa, this is the only day I have to get things done. I did tell you that?” So with that, she huffily got up and said she wish she’d hadn’t bothered! I ended up apologising to her and saying I’d be in touch.

The more I think about it though, I just can’t believe someone would have the audacity to even do that? Was I being unreasonable by practically throwing her out??

OP posts:
OMeOMy · 20/11/2023 13:50

My SIL did this to me when I was in hospital with severe sepsis (with a random friend in tow I'd never met before, both nurses working at a different hospital). I knew she was planning a visit and asked her not to come as I very much didn't feel up to visitors- I hadn't even seen my kids yet since I'd become ill. I was so shocked to see them that I didn't really know how to respond, and made polite conversation with them until they left 30 mins later (whilst feeling like I was dying, which I kind of was). When I happened to raise it with other family members after the event they were annoyed at me for not being sufficiently pleased and grateful about the visit!! This was years ago, and it still bothers me.

GettingStuffed · 20/11/2023 13:57

The only way this would have been acceptable would be ivf she's said she'd put the kettle on and what could she do to help.

LaurieStrode · 20/11/2023 13:57

ShadowCipher · 19/11/2023 19:26

On the flip side, 30mins cuppa and natter wouldent have took long,

The OP is very time-pressed & booked a precious day of annual leave for a specific purpose. Sucking up a portion of that time, uninvited, is rude, rude, rude.

TurquoiseMermaid · 20/11/2023 14:01

It's never 30 minutes, come on. Don't be so silly.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 20/11/2023 14:03

AllAroundMyCat · 19/11/2023 20:06

I actually feel a bit lonely, if I’m honest. I’m fed up of having to check my diary for weeks in advance in order to catch up with a friend.
yes, there’s social media but things get misconstrued on SM( many threads on here about this.)

I do think that our detachment from social life is hampering us and causing anxiety because we’re alone and because we WANT, to be left alone.
just check out the number of threads where people won’t answer a phone call or won’t answer the door.

But there's a huge difference between 'checking your diary weeks in advance' and just turning up on someone's doorstep regardless whether someone has said no. These days people are busier than they used to be, and it isn't unreasonable for people to want to agree a mutually convenient time.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 20/11/2023 14:24

GettingStuffed · 20/11/2023 13:57

The only way this would have been acceptable would be ivf she's said she'd put the kettle on and what could she do to help.

Not everyone wants help with decluttering, though. Personally I get far more done working alone for that sort of thing, than having someone standing there trying to 'chat' and being all 'Do you really need this?' and/or 'Don't throw that out, it might come in handy one day!'

DriftingDora · 20/11/2023 14:38

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 08:57

Grandparents have standing to make applications to court for access to minor children. Google 'grandparents rights' if you want to learn about it.

It was a valid application and we had to hire a lawyer and apply for it to be dismissed by the court.

My husband gave them a key. I wasn't happy about it. Changing the locks lead to a huge tantrum and threats so we gave them a new key to end the fight.

I'd never encountered people like them before in my life. I did my best with what I knew at the time.

My husband had to go on his own journey with it, having been raised by emotionally volatile and abusive people.

We did our best. I don't believe I lack a 'backbone' at all.

Eh? The subject of the thread is a neighbour - we all know that grandparents can apply to the courts for access to grandchildren. 🙄

Newestname002 · 20/11/2023 15:11

RosePetals86 · 20/11/2023 09:29

I wfh and have told family I was working on x day and they just turn up anyway because ‘they won’t stay long!’ Just rude! Then they make you feel bad for trying to ship them out.

A sign on the door saying you are working and will not answer the doorbell or door knocker will help. For those particularly entitled, add the phrase "YES this definitely applies to you!" This sign will make people who don't listen to your polite responses unhappy but will get the message through. 🌹

Ariela · 20/11/2023 15:22

I have a friend like this! Luckily I have coats/shoes by the door so when I see it's her I throw my shoes & coat on and answer the door waving the car key.

idealgift · 20/11/2023 15:39

DriftingDora · 20/11/2023 12:10

This is utter rubbish and you know it. Unless they were grandparents attempting to assert their rights, no court would even list a case where friends/neighbours(?) were asking for access rights. Bonkers.

Show quote history

yes i know. i couldn’t be bothered to respond but it is, isn’t it!

idealgift · 20/11/2023 15:41

Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 12:43

Well- unbelievably she saw my husband on the driveway this morning and said something like “you two are crazy - who books the day off to do housework? Tell Minniliscious I’ll be in touch for a playdate”😮😮😮 I’m fuming!! Really baffled that she’s now annoyed that we booked a day off to do housework because I was too busy to talk?? What on earth is it to do with her?? Also, she wants to still meet up? Bizarre.

how often have you met up in the past?

I know you said she was very me me me, but did you get any enjoyment from the meet ups?

idealgift · 20/11/2023 15:48

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 13:18

idealgift
And I don’t mind people disagreeing with me x just think people are very out for blood over someone calling in.

it people disagreeing with you is over dramatic

and the Op is actually ruder than the non-guest. How did you come to that conclusion. Ruder? It was her home. She had not invited this women. She had been clear it was not convenient. and you still think “ruder”.

StockpotSoup · 20/11/2023 15:49

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 07:03

You have rather changed your tune in the space of a few hours.
no, still the same opinion, the neighbour made a rash decision to come in as sometimes us human beings do, the op could have handled it better!!

By “could have handled it better”, what you mean is she could have given in. That’s the only other option really, isn’t it? OP had clearly said she was busy - that should have been all the neighbour needed.

idealgift · 20/11/2023 15:50

@stayathomer

perhaps you have never worked full time, with young children, and booked a “get shit done” day?

idealgift · 20/11/2023 15:52

My husband gave them a key. I wasn't happy about it. Changing the locks lead to a huge tantrum and threats so we gave them a new key to end the fight.

between you and your husband you need to build a spine. fast

StockpotSoup · 20/11/2023 17:03

Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 12:43

Well- unbelievably she saw my husband on the driveway this morning and said something like “you two are crazy - who books the day off to do housework? Tell Minniliscious I’ll be in touch for a playdate”😮😮😮 I’m fuming!! Really baffled that she’s now annoyed that we booked a day off to do housework because I was too busy to talk?? What on earth is it to do with her?? Also, she wants to still meet up? Bizarre.

She’s clearly crackers, but she actually did you a favour by flouncing off like that. She’s both shown her true colours and given you the perfect excuse to say “Sorry, but I feel uncomfortable meeting up with you anymore. I clearly told you I was busy the other day and you not only turned up anyway, but threw a strop when I said it wasn’t convenient. I’m not prepared to put up with that.”

(Or just “Go fuck yourself”, which is the less polite version.)

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 17:03

idealgift

*@stayathomer

perhaps you have never worked full time, with young children, and booked a “get shit done” day?
I have 4 kids and work full time in a shop so yes I have

idealgift · 20/11/2023 17:05

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 17:03

idealgift

*@stayathomer

perhaps you have never worked full time, with young children, and booked a “get shit done” day?
I have 4 kids and work full time in a shop so yes I have

how old are your children

and you have booked a day to get shit done before? you only started working a couple of months ago!

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 17:08

idealgift
youngest is 8 eldest 15 and I worked until my third, left for 9 years and went back to work 2020- don’t know where you got a few months from!!!

idealgift · 20/11/2023 17:10

wrong poster!

@stayathomer

and the Op is actually ruder than the non-guest. How did you come to that conclusion. Ruder? It was her home. She had not invited this women. She had been clear it was not convenient. and you still think “ruder”.

why “ruder”?

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 17:11

idealgift

And we can agree to disagree!! I’d let people call in then tell them sorry, others wouldn’t, I was only ever just saying that people were acting like the neighbours decision to pop in was the worst thing in the world. I don’t think that, others do, that’s fine!

derxa · 20/11/2023 17:27

Minniliscious · 20/11/2023 12:43

Well- unbelievably she saw my husband on the driveway this morning and said something like “you two are crazy - who books the day off to do housework? Tell Minniliscious I’ll be in touch for a playdate”😮😮😮 I’m fuming!! Really baffled that she’s now annoyed that we booked a day off to do housework because I was too busy to talk?? What on earth is it to do with her?? Also, she wants to still meet up? Bizarre.

I share your neighbour's bafflement.

idealgift · 20/11/2023 17:28

well no actually

you don’t thinks it’s “fine”

You called us “over dramatic”

and i’m curious why you think the OP is actually ruder than her neighbour.

toomuchfaff · 20/11/2023 19:47

The only forgivable element of this scenario is if she herself was in need of human interaction, comfort, company...

I'm always here to talk to anyone, I'd rather listen to them at 4am than listen to the eulogy at their funeral.

If she wasn't in dire need of human interaction then yeah, absolutely cheeky!

LaurieStrode · 20/11/2023 20:20

toomuchfaff · 20/11/2023 19:47

The only forgivable element of this scenario is if she herself was in need of human interaction, comfort, company...

I'm always here to talk to anyone, I'd rather listen to them at 4am than listen to the eulogy at their funeral.

If she wasn't in dire need of human interaction then yeah, absolutely cheeky!

If she's in dire need, she should call Samaritans, not barge in on a busy acquaintance who has used up a precious day of annual leave to get her house in order.