Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

[Minniliscious]

Just wanting to get some more views on this as I am feeling really bad right now.

DH and I booked Friday as leave to get things done around the house etc …. Car battery had gone flat and DH arranged for a neighbour to help with this. I was decluttering and deep cleaning ready for Christmas and making cupcakes for DS Christmas fayre at school. Just very busy all day with planned stuff to do.

A neighbour that I bump into now and then (wouldn’t say we know each other that well but are friendly) text me to say that she was bored and could she pop round for a cuppa and a chat (she had seen the car outside). I text back “Sorry but really not convenient today! We’ve booked the day off to declutter etc but let me know when you’re next free” I forgot about it and just carried on. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door and it’s her! She was like “Hi put the kettle on you sound like you need a break” I asked if she had got my text and she went “yeah but you’re not out out, you’re around so I won’t stay long.” I really didn’t know what to say , I was speechless. We walked through to the kitchen, I put the kettle on but suddenly felt really irritated and said “actually I really can’t stop for a cuppa, this is the only day I have to get things done. I did tell you that?” So with that, she huffily got up and said she wish she’d hadn’t bothered! I ended up apologising to her and saying I’d be in touch.

The more I think about it though, I just can’t believe someone would have the audacity to even do that? Was I being unreasonable by practically throwing her out??

If someone is that close to killing themselves then they need advice and support from a mental health professional, not a random neighbour they don’t even know that well. Most people are not equipped to deal with someone who is suicidal or about to self harm and that’s waaay too much responsibility to put on the shoulders of a random, non qualified person.

I say that as someone who has worked on a psych ward. It’s also incredibly manipulative and coercive to suggest that by not having time to chat with someone it may result in their funeral.

Suicide is far more complex and nuanced than being the result of a neighbour simply being too busy to talk to you one day. If it really were that “easy” to fix, then no one would ever be suicidal.

No. It’s not rude to maintain personal boundaries. Honestly your home is your own private personal space and we do get the basic right to decide who we let in and when.

Tbh I think she probably feels bad that she stormed out saying why did I bother etc etc and by saying that to your husband is her way of patching things up. She sounds like a bolshy character who isn't shy in sharing her opinion but doesn't mean anything by it. Perhaps it's time to make amends and in future she'll know when you say you're busy you're busy! 😄

She's your neighbour and you have previously got along in the past, it would be a shame for things to deteriorate further. As long as you keep clear boundaries you'll be fine, good luck x

What if the OP had been in dire need of a day to herself, away from distractions of any kind, or a one-on-one day with her husband? For all the neighbour knew, a day off to declutter was a polite fiction to avoid telling someone she doesn’t know that well everything that’s going on in her life.

What if she needed to talk? Half hour out of the day wouldn’t ruin the day and maybe SHE needed someone.

And what if OP needed to get on and get stuff done? (which she did)

So tired of seeing women being told to be constantly available to others at the expense of their own needs. Would you have issued this 'advice' if OP was male?

Yes

It's not enough for you to need someone, you need the right person at a suitable time and place. You can't just grab any person at any time and expect them to be able to take your crap. Sorry but it doesn't work like that.

She didn’t though- did you even read the thread? Whats the point in making up desperate scenarios when they aren’t true in this instance? By this rationale you could say:

what if aliens had landed?
what if a nuclear bomb had just hit her house?
what if the apocalypse was occurring at that very moment?
what if she was being chased by a serial killer?

😂

I have family like this. They quote how many weeks it is since they saw us. My son can’t stand the woman. Never draws a breath but I tolerate for family peace.
They will be just passing - or just popping in. I decided to try to manage a visit rather than be surprised. It was a disaster. Rest of the family refused to engage at all leaving me to entertain them. After I got a v sad text saying how unwelcome they felt. Can’t pick family !!

YANBU , but I u derstand you were a bit miffed when she still came in and sat down. So yes, don't we all do that, apologise? You shouldn't have of course, she was in the wrong. Maybe I would've made her a cup of tea and then left her with it at the kitchen table why I got on with my chores 🤔

But why did it have to be the OP, who she doesn’t even know that well and who had already made it clear it was inconvenient? And if there was genuinely no one else, why couldn’t she have said “Look, I’m sorry, but know you’re busy, but I could really do with a chat; it’s important” or similar?

But no - instead of doing that or anything like it, she just cheerily breezed in, having ignored the OP’s response and acting like she’d done OP a favour by getting her to have a break. Selfish.

This is a constant in my life - self employed, work from home. I work very long hours, but people seem to think I'm always available because I'm home and don't have a boss. I still have to get the work done, and if I drop everything to meet you for a coffee for two hours, or even chat on the phone (would you phone someone at their actual work between 9-5 if it wasn't life or death?!) that means I'll be working an extra two hours this evening. Glad you had the strength o reclaim your time OP! I need to be more assertive in this...

That’s what I was wondering

People are strange. Some don’t follow social conventions at all. By her reaction she is one that perhaps doesn’t get them.

She could be selfish and thoughtless OR lonely and desperate.

Perhaps she really needed someone to talk to and thought you would make a good listener.

She read something more into your casual friendliness than you meant, and wanted to deepen your friendship.

She likely has trouble making friends because yes, if someone says no, don’t come round, then of course you don’t do it: usually.

But as established, people are strange. Especially non neurotypical or damaged people.

Her out of touch reaction to
you reiterating it was not a good time for a chat could be rudeness of course. It could also be a defensive reaction at feeling rejected.

Your behaviour was totally acceptable, she should have listened to you. However all I’m saying is, people behave strangely for different reasons other than entitlement or stupidity.

Did you like her at the beginning of your contact? Or were you just being neighbourly and polite? You may be the only person who really chatted to her at all.

If it was me, I would have text her and ask her why she came round when you asked her not to? Find out what was going on. But if you are actually glad to avoid her completely then that is fine too. But I like to dig deeper and find out what was going on for people. If it is clear they are entitled, then at least I know for sure!

Thats where popping a coat on as you answer the door is useful! You can either do the "just going out" or have "just come in" thing although if she's a neighbour the second one wouldn't work!

She’s an idiot.

So we’ve gone from a daft bat who ignores an explicit text to someone who is near suicidal 🤣🤣🤣

I'd have deliberately assumed she was there to help with the deep cleaning.

"Oh, I'll pop the kettle on in a bit! So kind of you to come around to help when you got my text. I am crazy busy today deep-cleaning and an extra pair of hands will be so useful!"

I hear you!

I have to remind my mother I am still working. A lot of people can't seem to understand working at home and being self-employed is still WORKING.

She thought I had retired!!!!!!! No, mother, still 12 years to work before I see a pension...

I’d just carry on doing jobs and don’t make them a drink. They soon get the message and leave.

Why is that the OP's problem? This is just an acquaintance, not a close friend. The OP could have been at work. The person gave no indication there is some kind of crisis eg by saying "Steve just walked out, I'm struggling a bit, could we have a cup of tea and a chat".

And it never is half an hour with people like this. It always runs on and on, and there's a day of annual leave wasted.

I think we've now identified one of those who has no boundaries and only worries about their own needs! Or someone who just wants to disagree for the sake of it..😁

Cheeky and annoying but maybe she really needed a friend that day

I wouldn’t have been quite so assertive, I would have had tea and then said “I really gave to get in now” but then I’m a bit if a coward.
I had a friend who did this to me, I said no, was ironing etc and she turned up anyway - WITH her 2 kids. I said nothing, she made a joke of getting me away from the ironing etc so I just gave up and went with it. But I do live her, she’s just a bit mad.