Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

[Minniliscious]

Just wanting to get some more views on this as I am feeling really bad right now.

DH and I booked Friday as leave to get things done around the house etc …. Car battery had gone flat and DH arranged for a neighbour to help with this. I was decluttering and deep cleaning ready for Christmas and making cupcakes for DS Christmas fayre at school. Just very busy all day with planned stuff to do.

A neighbour that I bump into now and then (wouldn’t say we know each other that well but are friendly) text me to say that she was bored and could she pop round for a cuppa and a chat (she had seen the car outside). I text back “Sorry but really not convenient today! We’ve booked the day off to declutter etc but let me know when you’re next free” I forgot about it and just carried on. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door and it’s her! She was like “Hi put the kettle on you sound like you need a break” I asked if she had got my text and she went “yeah but you’re not out out, you’re around so I won’t stay long.” I really didn’t know what to say , I was speechless. We walked through to the kitchen, I put the kettle on but suddenly felt really irritated and said “actually I really can’t stop for a cuppa, this is the only day I have to get things done. I did tell you that?” So with that, she huffily got up and said she wish she’d hadn’t bothered! I ended up apologising to her and saying I’d be in touch.

The more I think about it though, I just can’t believe someone would have the audacity to even do that? Was I being unreasonable by practically throwing her out??

has she ever had to leave the house and pretend to go somewhere?!

With the woman the OP mentions I'd worry she'd want to come with me and I'd have to walk round the shops for hours trying to shake her off.

Ha! Yes, you've touched on another point there. It's funny how when you're working from home your work seems to be downgraded in people's minds. It's like it can't be SERIOUS work...not from home!!!! 😂 Sometimes the psychology of it amuses me.

The other thing I find is with the people where I live who always seem to be at a loose end and lonely. I DO stop and chat where I can if I bump into them outside. Sometimes, I've stood there for half an hour waiting for them to draw breath so I can make my excuses and get on.

There is one woman where I have to just keep walking and waving, giving her a cheery comment about the weather as I go. If I actually stop, I'm done for! It was 45 minutes once. 45 minutes I just didn't have to spare. I didn't get more than two words in anyway. I felt guilty at first, but she is very mobile and not even that old - she could be doing all sorts really apart from looking for an audience so she can talk about herself non stop. I always see she has caught someone other than me now. In tourist season, I see poor tourists like rabbits caught in headlights. Poor things don't know enough to run for their lives😂

I have noticed, however, that none of these people will speak to EACH OTHER. I see them individually buttonholing people but won't speak to EACH OTHER. What's that all about?

My theory is that it is because they talktalktalktalktalk and really aren't that interested in others. Therefore, they are all looking for an audience, rather than a friend.

People like that might have found it easier in more communal times maybe. They could be working or doing chores alongside others and talk a lot. The others might find it a little annoying but you'd be doing the work you'd be doing anyway so at least no one's having time wasted.

These days I'm not really sure what a good outlet would be for the talkers, people are busy and there isn't a need for this sort of one sided interaction.

I have noticed, however, that none of these people will speak to EACH OTHER. I see them individually buttonholing people but won't speak to EACH OTHER. What's that all about?

My theory is that it is because they talktalktalktalktalk and really aren't that interested in others. Therefore, they are all looking for an audience, rather than a friend.

I think this is spot on- I have wondered and noticed the exact same thing too! There is an elderly man who walks his dog in the same fields that I do and he seems lonely as is always trying to start conversations with people. The odd thing is- he never ever approaches the older men/women on their own walking their dogs who also look rather alone. Its ONLY much younger people and I find that weird, frankly. If you are genuinely lonely then surely you'd talk to anyone regardless of age?!

Yes, exactly. I once had a film producer want to option one of my screenplays, and the first time I talked to her on the phone it wound up being a two-hour conversation. I felt wonderful because I thought I'd made a lovely new friend, with the added bonus of it being this big deal producer. Then she invited me to go on holiday with her, when we'd only spoken that one time and had never met. Then we got into this pattern where she'd vanish for weeks/months, then suddenly phone me late at night, drunk, and talk AT me for hours without drawing breath. I am usually very assertive but I found it really hard, first because I felt sorry for her because I knew she had a very traumatic background, second because I was afraid she'd blacklist me in the industry. Till I met other people with horror stories about her.

It can be really hard. It's easy to sit behind a keyboard and type "just tell her to fuck off" but if it's someone who is in your life - a relative, or someone who lives on your street - then you probably can't do that without fallout. Especially if you live in a village or somewhere that's really gossipy.

Only once that I know of. And spotted a major sale at a store she loves, so even that ended well. She lives a charmed life, LOL.

I hear you!

I have an alcoholic brother and a narc mother who will talk for 4-5 hours straight (I'm not exaggerating) without once asking how I am. This means when I am out and about locally, I have limited capacity for more of the same.

I am not assertive enough so have to practice avoidance. I feel quite pleased with my keepmovingdon'tstopwaveandsayniceweatherwe'rehaving approach 😃

It's certainly a weird phenomenon. I wonder if they've already tried speaking to each other and found out they are too alike and therefore not a match.

It's quite interesting to study from a psychological point of view!

Maybe there was more opportunity for them to bore the pants off other people in the past?

I once dropped some stuff off at church during a day's leave and found the flower arrangers there. It turned out they spent the entire day there, every week, with packed lunches, for a few small arrangements. What was really happening was two women sat down, drinking tea whilst another one talked at them for hours!

I declined to join.

It's quite interesting to study from a psychological point of view!

It is! I suspect these people latch on to those with people pleasing tendencies because they know full well they wont say no to them out of sheer politeness. The more assertive people will reinforce boundaries so they give up with them

I think you were rude and if I were the neighbour I wouldn't have anything more to do with you.

You make that sound like a bad thing! OP would probably be delighted to never hear from this tactless old gasbag again!

Would count that as a win.

People like this neighbour is why so many of us don't answer the door. Maybe those who find the not answering the door to be bizarre behaviour are the cheeky neighbours?

admire you for kicking her out! This happened to us in April as we were packing our house up for an international move just 2 days later. Someone kept messaging me to see me before we left country (not a good friend..just a casual acquaintance) I told her that I was sorry but I barely had time to spend with our kids. She showed up at our home. Home was completely in boxes and we were directing the moving company on what boxes for the shipping container. She stood in the middle of my living room with hands on hips and said..well if the mountain won't come to mohammad..mohammad will come to the mountain. My normally lovely husband told her to get out. That she was incredibly rude and we were busy as we told her. She then called our daughter crying..and needless to say she is now blocked

This is really sad

That would be an excellent outcome then!

I think you are right there. Maybe they were brought up to hold the floor all the time with everyone indulging them constantly and never moved on from that. Or maybe they had a long suffering spouse or relative and now they are gone, leaving them to find a new audience.

Sounds like you did right to escape at the church!

Absolutely! It's survival of the fittest out there and I am working on my boundaries a bit more.

@flaxentoad the one holding forth had a very much alive but now retired husband who seemed to encourage her to be out of the house as much as possible!

Can you explain why you think that someone who was advised not to show up at someone's home as they were packing and needed time to do that, still showed up, was told that it wasn't convenient for them to have shown up and was shown the door and then that person phoned the daughter and cried to them on the phone, would be sad? Why is that sad??? I don't understand why someone would think that was sad.

Very probably!

So it wasn't rude of the OP's acquaintance to turn up on the doorstep after being expressly asked not to, then?

That would probably suit the OP. Who wants some non-friend pushing into their lives - especially when they've been told you're committed to doing something else? 🌹