Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

[Minniliscious]

Just wanting to get some more views on this as I am feeling really bad right now.

DH and I booked Friday as leave to get things done around the house etc …. Car battery had gone flat and DH arranged for a neighbour to help with this. I was decluttering and deep cleaning ready for Christmas and making cupcakes for DS Christmas fayre at school. Just very busy all day with planned stuff to do.

A neighbour that I bump into now and then (wouldn’t say we know each other that well but are friendly) text me to say that she was bored and could she pop round for a cuppa and a chat (she had seen the car outside). I text back “Sorry but really not convenient today! We’ve booked the day off to declutter etc but let me know when you’re next free” I forgot about it and just carried on. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door and it’s her! She was like “Hi put the kettle on you sound like you need a break” I asked if she had got my text and she went “yeah but you’re not out out, you’re around so I won’t stay long.” I really didn’t know what to say , I was speechless. We walked through to the kitchen, I put the kettle on but suddenly felt really irritated and said “actually I really can’t stop for a cuppa, this is the only day I have to get things done. I did tell you that?” So with that, she huffily got up and said she wish she’d hadn’t bothered! I ended up apologising to her and saying I’d be in touch.

The more I think about it though, I just can’t believe someone would have the audacity to even do that? Was I being unreasonable by practically throwing her out??

Moll2020

Read the OP again. The neighbour said she was BORED.
🙄

@PhotoFirePoet It was initially my DH that she befriended. They would bump into each other around the neighbourhood (we have lots of parks and greenery) with the kids and chat. Then we went to her child’s birthday party so I met her for the first time there.

I knew that she wasn’t my cup of tea - very in your face, loudest in the room and doesn’t pause for breath! I was just very polite to her whenever I saw her. She would text jokes now and then or a general “How are you?”

I bumped into her 2 nights before she turned up at my house and were just making general chit chat like “Must go for a coffee sometime” - the things that people say so I didn’t really think much of it.

To those saying I should’ve just let her in to help - that is my idea of hell! I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate as she wouldn’t have stopped talking. Also, who wants a stranger going through all their stuff?

Your last paragraph: you’re right! Ask her in to help?? I think sometimes people on MN think “ What’s the daftest suggestion I can make?”

Well, she should f**k off and talk to someone else

Retired now but when I was working I eventually cut down to a 4 day week. Heaven.
DH used to organise his own days out on my day off to give me space.
I told friends/family how fantastic it was to have a day midweek to do what I wanted.
THREE friends/family started to ring every day off for a catch up, sometimes staying on for nearly an hour. I wanted to scream.
I simply stopped picking up.

This reminds me of my mother, who said it was great that she could ring me on my “day off” instead of just at weekends. I had to say time and time again that I didn’t have a day off - I just WFH one day a week. (Post-Covid, she gets it 😄)

But my favourite was the “friend” who pushed to come over when I was working freelance and had the bright idea of “Ooh, I could help you, couldn’t I? With your little blurbs?” Apparently my years of experience in advertising meant nothing - all I did was make up “little blurbs”, which apparently any old tosser can do. (Sorry, bit of a detail!)

So she's not a friend. She's a pushy acquaintance who has decided that your home can be one of her coffee spots.

Mute and achive her number, you are wasting your time.

It might be that you need to only say what you mean when talking to this person, for example only mention going for a coffee if you're literally asking her to go for coffee at a specific time.

I’m reminded of a mum from school a few years ago. She’d wait for me every morning at the school gates and start walking back with me, just talking at me. We’d get to the going our separate ways point and she’d stand in front of my pushchair blocking me, still talking at me and ignoring me when I was saying “I’d better go” “I need to get home” “I’ve got a lot to do today”.
On average she’d only keep me for a few minutes but then I’d have to dash home and quickly get ready for whatever DD and I were doing that morning whereas when I hadn’t seen her those morning felt less stressful.
One day I decided when we got to the separating point I was going to keep walking. She went to stand in front of my pushchair and I ended up ramming her ankle with the wheel. It was an accident but I didn’t apologise, in fact I made it clear to her that I thought it was her fault for getting in the way of the pushchair). Luckily she kept a bit more of a distance after that.

I don’t know why some people think it’s okay to monopolise others, but you were not be unreasonable to have put yourself first in your situation

Dora, is there something wrong with your reading comprehension?

The poster you're replying to sympathised with the OP and shared a similar story of her own, which happened to be slightly different in that her situation involved grandparents and not a neighbour. (Which often happens on MN - people share their own stories in order to show empathy, and those stories won't always 100% match that of the OP.)

You attacked her and called her a liar and "bonkers", because apparently you didn't read the full post and thus didn't realise she was referring to a grandparent and not a neighbour.

She then naturally responded to defend herself, which anyone would if they'd been called a liar by someone who was factually wrong and clearly hadn't read the post.

Yes, the thread was started to be about a neighbour, but the conversation you're being so aggressive over is about a grandparent. Or are you just being passive aggressive to make a point about threaddrift? Because if so, stop. It just comes across as being an arsehole and not being able to read.

An autistic suicidal person, at that!

I don't think anyone's issues negate boundaries.

😂

I’ve notice this over the last 20 years or so becoming more and more common. It isn’t enough anymore to ask someone not to do something- you have to give them a reason and then they seem to judge wether it’s reasonable or not.

You no longer see signs up saying don’t feed the horses- they say don’t feed the horse because they might get colic - the owner has to justify why they are making a perfectly reasonable request.

if a dog runs over to you off the lead and you ask for it to be called back- you instantly get asked “why?”

here you’ve given a reason and the lady didn’t think it was sufficient so ignored it. I don’t know how we’ve got to this point where we have to justify “NO”

Well said.

That isn't the OP's problem when she had put down a boundary about not being available. They're not even friends. It's rude and intrusive.

You no longer see signs up saying don’t feed the horses- they say don’t feed the horse because they might get colic - the owner has to justify why they are making a perfectly reasonable request.

I actually think that’s an enhancement. We, as a society, have become more probing. Not simply blindly following. I don’t see this in any related related to the OP’s rude and rhino-skinned neighbour situation

When someone gives an instruction regarding themselves, their time or their property then you should follow it. It isn’t up to you to “probe it” and decide whether you agree or not!

but in the specific example you gave - seems totally reasonable for the horse owner to want to educate those ignorant as to why it may seem kind to feed animas, it can have serious consequences.

but when we are talking about declining a guest for coffee - no need for any reason beyond “doesn’t work for i’m afraid”

Apparently so! 😂

I'm crazy too, I regularly book days off to get stuff done around the house, catch up on etsy orders, generally things I cant keep on top of with a toddler in the house! She obviously doesn't know what it feels like to feel totally overwhelmed by a backlog of chores.

I have a friend who ALWAYS puts on her coat/vest/etc and purse when answering the door. If it is someone she doesn't want to see, she says, "OH, I'm sorry, I'm just on my way out!" If it is a welcomed guest, she says, "You're right on time, I just got in!" Works well for her.

weird. aside from the obvious (why doesn’t she just say that it’s not convenient), surely if the person standing at the door is obnoxious enough that your friend has to do this - they will likely stand there and wait as your friend has to actually leave the house. The amount of time your friend must waste

She is, in fact, a bit weird. But the method works very well for her.