Problem with person at hobby group

[ClippyCloppy]

Hi after some advice

I joined a group as a hobby a couple of months ago, we meet each week. I’m really enjoying this and the people are awesome! They are a lot older than me, mainly retired, a bit quirky, really interesting and I feel like I’ve met my tribe- I’ve never really gelled with anyone.

However, one member of the group is very annoying- he’s my age (so younger than the rest, although not sure if that’s relevant). He’s extremely opinionated, has a lot less knowledge of what we do compared to everyone else, loud and brash, sarcastic and basically I’ve really tried to get on with him, I’ve chatted to him in the break time but despite trying I just don’t like him at all.

I feel he spoils the aim of why we meet. This is not a paid a group, it’s just a group of individuals who share a specific interest and enjoy meeting up.

How can I move forward? I don’t want to stop going, and I know he has just as much ‘right’ to be there as me.

sorry I think you need to find a way to kick him out
its not your problem if he’s suffering without a social outlet - he can find something else. This isn’t just a social group - it’s a hobby which requires serious skill

I am retired and belong to several such groups. I promise you there is always one such irritating member! You just need to learn to deal with him. Other people have given you tips, but don’t be afraid to be a little rude - it’s really OK to say - “I am so sorry but Xxxxx has just walked in and I must speak to her” Or “Sorry I must talk to Xxxx because he knows so much about ????”
Don't let this person spoil your enjoyment! Good luck!

I agree with this.

Your initial description of the ways in which he is irritating sound really like an autistic guy who volunteers at my sister's workplace. That guy also presents as an arrogant, unsympathetic know-all, and it can be very annoying being around him. But it is much easier to be patient with him when you know why he's doing it.

Is it possible that this guy also has some additional needs? Not that that trumps your right to enjoy yourself, or will make him any different, but maybe will help you to understand where he's coming from....?

Just a thought. Apologies if it's not relevant here.

Oh I can really relate to this one. I am also in a fairly quirky hobby group and it sound like yours might be similar. There’s lots of discussions and each person is involved in their own particular way. We have a member very much like this, suggests nonsensical things that tend to derail what we are doing and I feel it’s for attention. I don’t think you’ll be the only one who finds this annoying. Sometimes other members of our group give eachother a look which suggests they feel the same. I’m wondering if there’s a particular person leading your group who might be able to steer the person in another direction or take more control? Otherwise you may have to just suck this up for a while, he or she may settle down after a few weeks.

100% this. It's a music GROUP and if he says he wants to participate and progress he has to take on feedback or find a other group. This is a kindness.

OP probably feels that naming the hobby would be too ‘outing’

ClippyCloppy · 19/11/2023 14:35

roseinthedark · 19/11/2023 13:59

Love this thread, I’m a strings player and early music is my jam!!!

About your Heifetz lad, I don’t know what to say. I feel wound up just reading your posts. 😂 Maybe a, “are you stuck in the 1950s with your ridiculous dynamics? Get in the f-ing 18th century with the rest of us!”

Is there a chamber or amateur orchestra specialising in romantic work? Could it be suggested that they are struggling for players and that the material they play there might suit him more, or, “they really need your valuable creative input!”
At least Heifetz played in tune 😂

there is a local amateur orchestra which I have suggested. I also said how they’d be lucky to have him.

His response was, ‘that’s too much of a commitment and I’d have to practise!’ Oh the irony!

theres your answer, start learning music and asking people to practise this for next week, do that for a month or two...

Would it be possible or useful to record your sessions so he could listen to how he sounds & that his way of playing doesn't fit in with the style/ interpretation of the rest of the group? You could use it to support everyone if you don't feel it appropriate or comfortable to single him out.

Wow! This is such a fascinating thread! I don’t know much at all about this subject (save very basic) but it’s so interesting. I have a Dd who plays / is learning the cello so maybe will be able to pretend I know something when she talks about it 😂

In terms of this scenario, having rtft I think you need to be direct. “No Dave, that’s not what we’re here for”, “no Dave, that’s not how this style of music is played” or whatever - and tell him he’s wasting everyone’s time.

I liked the early suggestion that it was bell ringing though!

The hobby was named within a very short time, if you’d bothered to check. OP is a member of a Baroque music group, which is a very specialised kind of ensemble. ‘Dave’ isn’t fitting in and doesn’t seem to have any interest in doing so.

When people come into a thread after it’s been going for a while, it’s really a good idea to read the whole thing.

Ffs, jog on!
I actually checked just after I posted. And don’t be so bloody sarcastic with your ‘if you’d be bothered’ and ‘it’s really a good idea’ - why does it matter to you?

I’m off to meet my group, I’ll let you know later how it goes with Dave 😂

To be fair your response was rude to start with

I have become quite unhealthily interested in Dave. (Maybe because I recently joined a chamber choir, where the standard is quite high and I am working hard to raise my game.)

Haha @AnnaSewell same here! I am over-invested in Dave as well...I am also wishing that I had persevered with the violin when I was younger, because I love listening to Baroque music and it would be amazing to be able to play it!

Even if your music group were just an informal hobby, and not performing, having a discordant player within it will ruin the whole sound.

He's clearly been told this already, but is refusing to adapt his personal "style" to the music genre you specialise in.

This smacks of one of two options.

1 - he's not capable of adapting his style to the genre

Or

2 - he's refusing to adapt his style to the genre.

In both cases, it's clear he doesn't belong in a group focusing on that genre.

Why hadn't he just been told to bugger off? There's a more appropriate group for his style somewhere.

Yes, you’re right. Whatever.

Update

We worked on some Haydn first and came to the conclusion the violin concerto in G is more like Hoffman, good discussion, Dave said nothing. Great. I played it through and Dave thought my Cadenza was too ‘showy’, I said er Dave, you do realise what a cadenza is? He looked confused and put out. He then said he’d worked on the first violin part of the Bach double in D minor. He wants to play this with another member for an imminent concert.

He then proceeded to add unnecessary ornamentation (loads of trills, I could have coped with a mordant of two but no, trills every bar), played the beautiful Adagio loudly and like his life depended on it, and butchered the double stops. His intonation was at least a semitone too flat in parts. He claims as a lot of parts are clearly editorial with relation to ornamentation, slurs / hooked bows he can clearly do the same 😂

There was a dramatic silence upon completion and someone bravely suggested maybe it could be worked on for a concert very much in the future. He then said it’s ok, as we’re not charging an entrance fee, we just want to share our beautiful music with the general public.

At this point I thought I could no longer hide my desire to piss myself laughing so excused myself to the toilet.

After everyone left I spoke with the founder. I said I wasn’t really seeing Dave as a key component to our future Baroque journey. He was very nice but wanted to give Dave a chance 😳

I’m going to give it till Christmas- we’re booked to play in a stately home just before Christmas, not a concert, an informal gathering whilst people mooch around, looking in the gift shop etc. I may need to flounce off if he starts with the flamboyant ‘look at me’ playing and say I suddenly need to leave. The embarrassment of association in a public place may be too much for me to cope with.

I’ve told my leader to arrange some Christmas carols giving him parts which are mainly open strings I’d give to my Yr2’s to play, I just want to see his face as he won’t be able to play in 7th position or do some incredibly stupid vibrato which he’s clearly made up after watching a YouTube video.

Thanks for updating @ClippyCloppy

Sounds like most people in the group are probably on your wavelength - and wishing they’d nipped to the loo too!

My Dave didn’t come this week, ahhhh the bliss. Every piece sounded good, we didn’t have to go back over and over bits. And the others that sit nearer him got their parts right because he wasn’t there to distract.

It is so mean but I wish he wouldn’t come back. Sadly he’s the uber committed type (family birthday this week that he couldn’t avoid). Although he does need the practice…

I get the feeling that the leader of you lot needs to tell Dave that he is out of the group ASAP for you all to be able to continue

You probably need to clue up your leader that he might lose his soloist if he continues giving chances to Dave

I suggest the following speech, 'This baroque ensemble ain't big enough for the two of us.... And I ain't gonna leave!

I appreciate the comedy value as long as I don't have to listen to it, but I think you have to walk OP. There's no earthly point giving Dave a chance because Dave isn't trying to improve. Much better to not turn up than flounce mid performance or worse sit through it pretending he's not making it awful.

Nah.
Dave absolutely has to be shamed as the ignorant, arrogant destructor he is. Possibly by recording, though he hardly seems capable of understanding his culpability here. His destructive presence cannot be overlooked, in the interests of the whole musical community.
Wishing you all the best and well shot of him, OP