Problem with person at hobby group

[ClippyCloppy]

Hi after some advice

I joined a group as a hobby a couple of months ago, we meet each week. I’m really enjoying this and the people are awesome! They are a lot older than me, mainly retired, a bit quirky, really interesting and I feel like I’ve met my tribe- I’ve never really gelled with anyone.

However, one member of the group is very annoying- he’s my age (so younger than the rest, although not sure if that’s relevant). He’s extremely opinionated, has a lot less knowledge of what we do compared to everyone else, loud and brash, sarcastic and basically I’ve really tried to get on with him, I’ve chatted to him in the break time but despite trying I just don’t like him at all.

I feel he spoils the aim of why we meet. This is not a paid a group, it’s just a group of individuals who share a specific interest and enjoy meeting up.

How can I move forward? I don’t want to stop going, and I know he has just as much ‘right’ to be there as me.

So you were one of the founding members? In which case stop looking on helplessly. Everyone else is probably waiting for you and the leader to address the problem directly.

He thinks he’s Paganini, warming up with fancy dominant and diminished 7ths (3 octaves at great speed in the same bow), then big 3 or 4 note chords, followed by double stops in 10ths. He insists on playing really high up in the rafters which actually makes me wince. His intonation is not even close, but I totally appreciate the sentiment!

I've been in a hobby group (walking) where someone was eventually chucked. out. Health problems meant they were way too slow and they were also very accident prone.

I think you have a tactful private chat with the person.

'This is how this group operates. We can see that it can take time for someone who is used to playing in a different style to adjust, but the difficulty they are having in adjusting is causing frustration for others. This is what is required from you.

• Play with the correct bow
• Don't play scales while tuning is going on.
• Though some discussion is okay in rehearsals, ultimately it is the conductor's say and that has to be respected.'

They get a certain period in which to adjust, but if they are unable to do so, then they will be asked to leave. This is in everyone's interest as if Dave can't/doesn't want to play in a manner suited to a baroque ensemble, he will obviously be happier in a different group of players.

It’s not that simple though. We are essentially a ‘hobby’. It’s voluntary, unpaid and there for enjoyment. The problem is some of us want exactly that (a hobby to meet like minded people, have a laugh and a socialise), whereas others (like myself) enjoy all those elements but maybe care more about what we are trying to achieve and place the ‘hobby’ elements as secondary in importance. If this doesn’t sort itself out naturally (will continue with suggestions made by posters on this thread), I will speak with the leader.

I agree with this.

Set some rules or boundaries. If he doesn't like it and flounces then so.be it.

The hatred I referred to was based on other posters suggestions.

Yes, this. He may not be aware how much of a dick he's being. In which case, it needs to be pointed out. It's not fair to let one arse spoil the whole group. I'd speak to the leader of the group, OP.

Oh, sorry, cross post.

being a good performer within a chamber group doesn’t mean playing the loudest, using the most bow or the fastest vibrato

@ClippyCloppy you need this on a t-shirt!!!

Well for the first time the hobby really was unique. It’s also incredibly relevant. I was originally imagining someone a bit too opinionated about knitting styles or who chatted too much during the board game session.

since he actually is impeding the groups goal, it may be necessary for the organizer to take him aside and speak with him about being more receptive to constructive criticism. It’s obviously very tricky because it’s not an audition group.

I think you should get together with the leader and figure out the kindest way to kick him out. You could ask him to come early one week because you need to talk to him, explain everything you’ve explained here, tell him to get with the programme or leave, and he’ll either stop being so annoying, or, ideally leave of his own accord. Why should the enjoyment of several people be spoilt by the enjoyment of one? It isn’t fair.

There's a know-it-all in most groups. The best thing to do is to laugh when he starts or just ignore his comment and change the subject completely. I would also feel like asking him why he's there, as he obviously knows everything anyway, so seems pointless?

Really the only way to deal with people like this is to laugh at them, change the subject completely or have the odd polite but subtly sarky comment ready. He'll get fed up when he sees you and others are quietly taking the piss.

He was lent a baroque bow by our leader but returned it the following week complaining that it wasn’t long enough or gave a resonant sound. Dick

Kick him out! You can't have a 2nd violin with modern bow in a baroque ensemble.

There needs to be someone in the group who takes charge and tells him to pipe down. A group I meet with has a chap who is, well, odd. Someone will be giving a demonstration or a talk about something and he'll be loudly going "huh! oh yes? ahuh!!" the whole time. Occasionally he'll start talking adding something which he feels is obviously a valuable bit of extra information. The group generally likes him and so tolerates this behaviour.

On Saturday we met and he was doing his usual and started to talk over the person giving the chat. And was promptly told that, no, he was wrong and maybe he could wait til the end to provide any further input. Complete silence!! Bliss!!! I did overhear later him apologising for interrupting

I'm thinking of mentioning this to the organiser tomorrow so that the next person demonstrating knows it's ok to tell him to be quiet. We've talked about him before and no one is quite sure if he is autistic in some way. I've suggested that maybe it's just that he's lived on his own for 50 years so has just forgotten how to act around others.

He was lent a baroque bow by our leader but returned it the following week complaining that it wasn’t long enough or gave a resonant sound.

That was the perfect opportunity for the leader to make a stand - "you play with this bow or you don't play at all".
Could the leader find some way to re-introduce the correct bow and tell him it is compulsory?
Someone has to actually stand up to him. Your leader seems to have failed here.

Just ignore him. Who knows, he may well find you as annoying as you find him.

Come on, he's definitely less famous. Doesn't mean worse.

Gosh, you've just reminded me of some t shirts I had printed about 100 years ago. Available from all good linen cupboards near you! (They seem to have bred, I was never very good at getting round to selling them)

Front

If other members are rolling their eyes and so on, I imagine he won't last long.

Probably just hang on in there and someone else will confront him or he'll find himself ousted.

back

I absolutely love those teatowels! Definitely offer them out / sell them to anyone in strings 😂

I guess it depends whether we're talking about music as music, or the "on hold" call centre music. Poor Vivaldi!

The thing is, 'hobby group' doesn’t really do justice to what you do, @ClippyCloppy - it’s a very specialised activity involving considerable skill and artistry (and training, clearly, on your part). Yes, it’s fun and gives a lot of satisfaction to you all, but playing Baroque string music is hardly like a book group where all you really need is the ability to read and give an opinion and drink wine

Dave isn’t the right fit for the ensemble. Unfortunate for him, but he can’t expect to throw his weight around and behave like that and play so badly - you say he seriously expects to perform the Bach Double with you?!

I'm struggling to see why he was invited to join in the first place.

Either just talk to other people, or find another hobby group. You can't gatekeep who attends the group, if you've only been going a few weeks you're the new person.

This happens in most groups. There's always someone you don't take too.
Just the way it is.