Problem with person at hobby group

[ClippyCloppy]

Hi after some advice

I joined a group as a hobby a couple of months ago, we meet each week. I’m really enjoying this and the people are awesome! They are a lot older than me, mainly retired, a bit quirky, really interesting and I feel like I’ve met my tribe- I’ve never really gelled with anyone.

However, one member of the group is very annoying- he’s my age (so younger than the rest, although not sure if that’s relevant). He’s extremely opinionated, has a lot less knowledge of what we do compared to everyone else, loud and brash, sarcastic and basically I’ve really tried to get on with him, I’ve chatted to him in the break time but despite trying I just don’t like him at all.

I feel he spoils the aim of why we meet. This is not a paid a group, it’s just a group of individuals who share a specific interest and enjoy meeting up.

How can I move forward? I don’t want to stop going, and I know he has just as much ‘right’ to be there as me.

I play in a small orchestra. There is one particular member who moans about every concert we do - always finds something to kick up a fuss about. I have on occasion just walked away during his moaning. Your chap is allowed in the group but you don't have to engage with him.

I’m not sure the hobby is relevant? I don’t think anyone will know who I am!
If you really want to know, it’s a small chamber group specialising in Baroque music. We’re all string players who have an interest in this era who are studying works by less famous Baroque composers. So rather than looking at Vivaldi or Bach, we’re looking at composers such as Lully, Graupner and Hoffman. We analyse the music and play it how we believe it was played originally.

That's really interesting! But surely a lot of the time is playing? So he's not banging on about nonsense the whole time?

Blimey OP, that’s actually put paid to my eye-rolling at people’s refusal to disclose hobby group activities 😂

I always assume it’d be something so ordinary you’d find them in every town, but now I see I’m mistaken …

Blimey OP, that’s actually put paid to my eye-rolling at people’s refusal to disclose hobby group activities 😂

I always assume it’d be something so ordinary you’d find them in every town, but now I see I’m mistaken …

That does sound particularly frustrating, since you all need to come up with a shared "vision" and implement it together. I have annoying people in hobby groups i'm in, but it's more possible to avoid and ignore.

How did the group start, and is it "open to all"? Maybe as a group you need to to tell him that it seems he has a very different vision for the music than the rest of you, and it would be better if he left. While it's nice to be inclusive, you're not obliged to be if it ruins things for everyone else.

Why can’t you just politely put him back in his box e.g “that doesn’t make any sense”. “I’m afraid I really don’t understand what you are reaching for there”,

You presumably would ask someone to leave if they lacked the required skill at playing their instrument, I think you could equally ask someone to leave for lacking communication skills and for pushing incorrect ideas.

I found playing Irksome Bingo in my head really helped in a similar situation.

"Now Know-It-All will talk over a woman...now he'll bring in an unhelpful anecdote... counting down to his Well Actually..."

That way I could find his nonsense amusing rather than irritating.

I find it works well but you have to not smile and chuckle when you win.

The amateur psychologist in me says his behaviour stems from a deep insecurity. When I encountered someone like this at work I tried to reframe my annoyance as feeling sorry for them.

I have also used @KatBurglar’s game in
other situations. Choosing not to have a negative response is very liberating!

Do you have a collection of ceramics and did you recently invite him to dinner?

YABU for insinuating that Lully is less famous than Vivaldi 😀but you clearly know more about the topic than I do so maybe YANBU!

As long as the annoying man (there is always one...) isn't specifically targeting you with his mansplaining annoyingness, it's probably best to try to ignore it. If you can't do that, it's a good idea to talk to the founder, who can tell him to rein it in. While that might possibly backfire on you, the fact that others find him annoying too is in your favour. If it gets to the point that Annoying Guy is utterly ruining the experience for you, you've nothing much to lose by tackling his behaviour. Good luck, it sounds like a brilliant project.

It’s likely you are not the only one who finds him annoying. Have a quiet word with the group leader. If they have had other approaches from group members, maybe they can talk to this guy.

I know what the issue is Op here

this annoying as heck member of your hobby club,
Cause he knows aswell as everyone else knows he lacks the obvious knowledge, or skills, of the chosen hobby of yours,

He is very insecure, so he massively over compensates to disguise 🥸 his lack of knowledge requisite required for this interest,
in such a way that pisses you off,
and i can amagine it proberly well has the same effect on the rest of the others or
perhaps as the way group dynamics can often work,
maybe they are able to ignore him, zone out from his irritating ways,

Sadly the domineering man is a constant of hobby groups. Desperate to show themselves the most experty expert there ever was.
Im sorry that’s it’s something so specialised as there is less chance he was move on to his next group.
My ex boss was one of these. Would spend a week researching something, decide he was a ‘nationally recognised expert’ and go and spoil someone’s hobby. He would move on and share his expertise eventually. DH also has an odious friend who is the same. Tantrums when he isn’t the main focus so gets a new hobby.
I assume this guy has some skill though. I think the best way is to ignore and his frustrations at not being heard might get to him eventually.

Sounds like he's one of those men who can't join in without taking over. Normally, it comes with an inbuilt sense of male superiority. but occasionally it is nervousness that comes out as constant talking. It is annoying!
What you could try is a few cutting remarks to keep him in check. Imagine what an outspoken aunt would say. If you don't feel comfortable, perhaps the leader of the group would try it. Things to say in a loud cutting tone would be:
X you are mansplaining, we all know what we are doing
X you've really got verbal diarrhea tonight
X can you stop narrating tonight its getting jarring
If he doesn't get it and self regulate, by repeatedly using the same word, like mansplaining, it may embolden others to say the same thing to him and you have a way to reguarly tone him down. Just be careful its all said in jest so doesn't turn into bullying.
A friend had a similar problem, she's quite outspoken so says these things naturally. Afterwards others told her they'd put up with his nonsense for years + she'd fixed him with one cutting observation!
Good luck!

Ugh. Big ego, little experience. So many groups have one of these. I always find it slightly baffling that a person can have so little insight.

Unfortunately it usually takes an older man to straighten them out, which is frustrating, but at least it’s usually possible.

Ah, you've found this guy:

I had to work with a difficult guy. I just nodded and got on with something else, to stop him engaging e.g. checking my phone, saying hello to another person, going to the toilet etc.

Can I ask op is it a mainly female group?

I just ask because we had a lovely hobby related group and the one person who made an issue was a man. For very similar reasons - was a know it all, despite being less experienced and tried to dominate the conversation.

I think if it is only you with this issue then you have to try and find a way to manage it. Maybe you could sit elsewhere not next to him, or think of some assertive a lines to close home down …”well I think I agree with Sue. With her amount of experience I trust what she says. Right let’s play shall we”.

However if he is causing an issue for most of the group I think it’s ok to deal with it. A whole group shouldn’t Have to be affected by someone’s dominating behaviour. Maybe a quiet word with him would be a useful start if this is the case. Im
lucky that we had a bolshy woman in our group who outright called out the behaviour of the person in our hobby.

So as much of your time is taken up with discussion and analysis as playing? Is admission via audition? — is he a decent musician even if he’s not knowledgeable but believes he is? Is his input having an impact in that how and what you play are being negatively impacted, or are people just saying ‘Yes, dear’ and continuing on another track?

Can you reform the group without him?

Unfortunately there IS always one person who is annoying.

I went to a course on 20th century architecture. Some people seemed to be there just to show off and to contradict the tutor!

I didn't continue the next term.

One woman was particularly annoying and frequently finished the tutor's sentences.

I was thinking about complaining about her (I wasn't quite sure how) and it turned out she was the senior administrator in charge of the adult education college we were at.

I imagine she had this as a free course as part of her job?

I just left one week before the end of the term.

I was also going to ask if the group is all, or mainly, female - he sounds like the epitome of entitled man educating the little women.