Problem with person at hobby group

[ClippyCloppy]

Hi after some advice

I joined a group as a hobby a couple of months ago, we meet each week. I’m really enjoying this and the people are awesome! They are a lot older than me, mainly retired, a bit quirky, really interesting and I feel like I’ve met my tribe- I’ve never really gelled with anyone.

However, one member of the group is very annoying- he’s my age (so younger than the rest, although not sure if that’s relevant). He’s extremely opinionated, has a lot less knowledge of what we do compared to everyone else, loud and brash, sarcastic and basically I’ve really tried to get on with him, I’ve chatted to him in the break time but despite trying I just don’t like him at all.

I feel he spoils the aim of why we meet. This is not a paid a group, it’s just a group of individuals who share a specific interest and enjoy meeting up.

How can I move forward? I don’t want to stop going, and I know he has just as much ‘right’ to be there as me.

I’ve really tried to get on with him, I’ve chatted to him in the break time but despite trying I just don’t like him at all.

You need to stop trying.

No agreeing with him.

No laughing at his lame jokes.

Let him fall on his face.

At the moment he has zero incentive to stop coming as you are making it fun for him.

Ha ha I do, I’m trying not to be unreasonable, but all the others (including me) are classically trained and therefore have an in depth knowledge of this era. He, however is self taught. I’m not judging this - it’s great that people are passionate about this, but there’s only so many times you can explain that baroque is a very different interpretation and playing style. He play’s really loudly with loads of vibrato as if he were a soloist playing Brahms or Bruch (obviously more romantic era where this was fashionable). It goes straight over his head though.

Also playing with a group requires acute listening skills which he doesn’t seem to have. He also can’t count 😂

It’s very particular bowing styles - I won’t bore you with the details but it really winds me up 😬

It sounds more like a lacking of skill rather than just personality though. Can anyone join or is there an audition?

Yes most of the time is playing but we also do a fair bit of analysis. He doesn’t understand the nuances and styles- which is fine, but after explaining he just continues to do things his way.

Theres another lady who tells him straight ‘No that’s not right - you do it this way’
I think she’s great, she’s also opinionated but knows her stuff. Sometimes he will do as he’s told sometimes he won’t 😁 I think I need to let her pull him to one side as she takes no nonsense (which I think is a great characteristic!)

Just tell him to stop Hoff-mansplaining 😁

I agree to an extent, but the lack of skill In itself is not necessarily a problem. There are other members who have a limited knowledge- one of them has only been playing since the pandemic, but it’s not a problem, we adjust his parts so they are simpler and manageable. He however is there to learn, whereas the person in question thinks he knows it all and is resistant to change which is more about personality.

I think I need to let her pull him to one side as she takes no nonsense (which I think is a great characteristic!)

Are you saying that you are hindering others from pulling him up?

You need to back this woman up.

He is not doing what the group is for, he needs to leave.

The bottom line is, do you like the activity and the other people in the group more or less than you dislike him? Because if it’s more, don’t let him spoil it for you.

Stop trying to find a way to like him. You just don’t and, in all likelihood, never will. You just need to learn to ignore him. Surely if he’s that disruptive the group leader will have to intervene eventually?

Sounds like because be won't listen the performance element gets "spoiled" which is very annoying.

Is there an element of mansplaining going on?

Not sure what you mean by hindering others from pulling him up. If anything I encourage it! I’m glad I’m not the only one to have this view!

It’s not very kind to ask someone to leave though is it? He clearly enjoys it and travels a fair distance to meet up.

Isn't it a bit harsh to judge him as a 'numpty'

Live and let live?

Best hobby disclosure ever!

Nobody can like everyone. In any group there will be people who find things you do annoying. Those people are patient and forgiving of your annoying habits/traits, treat him the same way.

Our group leader is the most knowledgeable one and will get into a debate/ discussion. But this person seems to like arguing. Our leader (or others) will just say, let’s move on and just play it, as we’re wasting rehearsal time. I have also stepped in and shown my frustration by saying something similar. But this happens every week.

Im not going to leave as I’m the soloist for concerts and more importantly I really enjoy it and value the time I spend with the other members of the group. I guess I’ll just have to find a way to block him out.

No, but you can't be kind all of the time. It's also not kind to everyone else, to allow the purpose of the group to be spoiled by one member.

🙄

Just ask him about himself and find neutral things to joke and laugh about. We all have people we like more or less that's life but we do need to be able to keep up a light, polite social chatter with people of all ages and backgrounds.

If you're kind to him by letting him continue to do this, you're putting his feelings ahead of everyone else's in the group. Which is not kind to them or to yourself. And ultimately other members might be put off by it, leading to a downward spiral.

I know! Fab hobby!

Given his impact on the actual hobby, I think in this situation you are within your rights to tell him he needs to stop what he's doing or stop attending altogether. He needs to listen and learn more and talk less or he needs to leave the group.

It’s not very kind to ask someone to leave though is it? He clearly enjoys it and travels a fair distance to meet up.

The kind thing isn’t always the right thing.

Well I’m afraid I think he is a numpty, not just with the hobby, but after speaking to him and trying to get to know him that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. In all other aspects of my life when I come across numpties I just avoid them in future, but in this case obviously that’s a bit tricky - hence why I posted.

I need to learn skills to tolerate being with people. I guess people have to deal with numpties all the time, maybe in a work environment. I’m lucky though as I’m freelance so work mainly alone or can choose (to some extent) who I work with. I need some tips on tolerance I guess.

play bingo

he will repeat behaviours, sayings and annoyances each week - east them and see if you then ever get a full house - thus bingo

In my experience there is someone like this in every group activity, from choirs or musical groups, to community groups or book groups etc.
He does sound extremely annoying but unless he annoys the entire group enough to be asked to leave, all you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. It would be such a shame if he spoiled what sounds like a lovely group for you.
There was someone like this in my book group and I eventually stopped going as I found her so annoying that it took away all enjoyment for me, but hopefully you are a slightly larger group and you can still get joy from your music.

It’s mainly women, although our leader is male, and two others (including the numpty) are male. The ladies are all older (late 60’s, early 70’s). They are strong women, straight talking and take no shit which is why I really like them! They have nothing to prove 😂

Maybe they just are more easy going than me though (when it comes to numpties), or maybe I am taking this all too seriously 😂

Oops sorry I quoted the wrong person