Hate being a mum!!!!

[Hadenoughhhh]

I hate it. Tonight I have cooked a meal from scratch for my 13 month old. Yes, I know, why did I bother, what did I expect etc.

He’s thrown it at me, on the floor, then does this thing where he manages to store it in his mouth, I think he’s eaten it, then he suddenly spits it all out. Gave him apple which he happily eats. Mess all over him and the sauce from the meal has stained his top as it’s seeped through the bib.

He shouts, it’s become genuinely exhausting changing his nappy, physically it hurts me to do it. In the car if he decides to cry I’ve got to manage driving with a screaming noise non stop unless there’s somewhere safe to pull over. Everything Is a fucking hassle.

I love him but hate being a mother. I can’t stand it. I used to be an intelligent, career driven, witty person who could hold conversations and had a personality. Now I just trudge on with work and hope for the best. Dp is utterly useless and we will separate soon. I don’t have PND I’m just sick of doing this non stop. It’s fucking boring and I think I’ve lost brain cells in the last year. The only conversation I have these days are about sudocrem. When will this end? Ever? Or is this it?

They are lovely to have around when they are in their Forties. Before then, not so much.

@maybein2022 I'm sorry but nothing for me will ever be harder than my youngest baby's first year of life, hands down. It truly was awful, physically and mentally.

Ahhh it does get easier.
Promise.
I'm a few months ahead of you and honestly, I only 50% feeling like I'm losing my mind rather than 1000% of the time 🤣
She can use cutlery now, she can at least point and grunt at what she wants and can understand basic questions which makes life marginally easier.
Also the car tantrums have eased up.
You're not a bad mum. Some stages are easier/harder for some parents. I'm with you that babies are the devil.
Today I went Christmas shopping, and stopped off for some lunch. I had a glass of wine. DD did some colouring whilst waiting patiently for her food. Ate it beautifully rather than smearing herself in it, and was genuinely a delight. If someone had suggested this 6 months ago I'd have thought they were off their rocker.

I apologise. I wrote a bit of a smartarse not-nice comment which has rightly been removed.
In my defence, as I would have loved a child and couldn't, it is hard to read a post that seems someone regrets being a mum.
But I don't understand the stresses she is going through, so for this I'm sorry.
OP I hope you get some help.

If he's spitting food out he's obviously not hungry and wtf kind of benefit did you think you'd get cooking a meal from scratch? You say your intelligent - use it.

It definitely gets easier op. When my youngest was a baby I was on my knees. I will never forget sobbing to a helpline saying I don't know how I could live another day. It was that bad.

Now that baby is a toddler and honestly I love my life so much now and am always happy. Yes toddler has the odd tantrum / bad night but sometimes she sleeps through so I can deal with it.

My eldest is 5 and honestly such a good boy. Yes he doesn't listen sometimes and it's frustrating but other than that he's so easy. Every morning it's mummy how can I help? And he helps load the washing machine, make breakfast etc.

The other night at tea he said 'thanks mummy you make the best dinners'

I've also had 'mummy I love you. You're so beautiful'

All this and more is 100% coming your way op.

I just secretly think to myself NOTHING can be as bad as my youngest's first year. Nothing!

We are all different, and our children are all different. I loved having toddlers, even though one of mine was incredibly difficult - but one of my DC (an easy toddler) nearly broke me when she was a teenager.

It would be better not to try to say that one particular age/stage is easier than another, and to acknowledge and try to help mothers who are finding one particular stage hard.

I feel you on this one. I hated motherhood at that age too. Used to drive me mad, but honestly half my anger was at DD’s useless shit of a father who had me like a slave and wondering where the fuck my personality went

Have you had a chat with your partner about doing more?

Early parenting is exhausting and very boring, no matter how much you love them. The only reason I didn't work full time when my kids were little was that I couldn't cope with the intensity of full time work on top of caring for small kids. I coped by being very lazy and setting the bar low as far as housework and cleaning went. My youngest son is 18 now, cooks meals for me, does his own laundry, and changes the tire on my car when I've got a flat. Honestly, good times ahead, don't lose heart.

@Isometimeswonder I'm sorry for your struggles but you could clearly see the thread title. Why click on it and read it knowing you'll be upset by it? There are hundreds of threads almost identical to this, maybe next time stay away rather than upsetting yourself and potentially others.

@Hadenoughhhh

First off let me say that there is a HUGE load of stress in having a useless partner. It means you're doing it all whilst watching him sit on his arse or being purposefully useless so you he actually creates more work for you. Get him out (or get you and DS out) and I guarantee your stress level will decrease at least 30%. There is nothing worse than carrying that huge load of resentment. Somehow, when you know it's 'just you' it's somehow easier to shoulder the burden than carrying it all whilst thinking 'why the fuck aren't you helping me?".

Not to mention the decrease in the actual workload with not having to cook for, clean up after, do laundry for, and listen to a useless lump.

And yes, it does get better. Toddlerhood is hard.

I think you're on the cusp of things getting better. They get easier from 2.5 but they get much more fun from about 1.5, in fact that is the best age in my opinion.

Things like the car screaming will improve soon. Also they start to watch TV independently around 1.5, giving you a break.

In the meantime pick your battles, don't feed messy food, wipe the worst off the clothes and leave them on, don't bother with pyjamas . Use nursery and work more. If you split maybe his dad will end up doing more

@RachelFuchsalot I agree we are all different which is why it's my own very personal thing that nothing will be harder than my DD's first year. Nothing. I don't need others telling me that the teen years will be harder, it's incredibly negative and people who say that have no idea how much I suffered and I'd never dream of being that negative to them or telling them how they are going to feel about x y or z. I am only ever positive and supportive and of course different people find different things tough.

It's monotonous at that age. I have a 7 month old and I forgot how tedious the routine is of making bottles and feeding every few hours.

Every age has its challenges.

Tomorrow's a new day. Get some kiddy meals in and take a break!

oh please, don’t be ridiculous. Everyone is allowed to be pissed off with things, be it work, partners or children.

Op, I’m with you & many others will be. It IS constant mess & battles everyday. I found this age hard too. It does get easier once you can resin with them I think.

Different ages bring different battles (some easier, some not) My 7 year old doesn’t like me today & wants my friend to be her mum because apparently I don’t wear enough make up. All because I told her to wipe red lipstick off & that she can’t have a crop top.

You need your DP to pull his weight.

I took mine camping when he was 15 months. 2.5 hours away. I wouldn't have considered that at 13 months. All of a sudden there was a leap and things got easier.

Now he's almost 2.5 and he's so funny, sings all day long and has opinions on everything. Still a bit messy with food but stopped spitting it out , uses a fork, sleeps all night. The good times are just around the corner OP. Sympathies on the useless partner. People who havent had one just don't understand!

@bakewellbride I totally get that, and I am sorry you had that experience. I don’t want to derail the OP but the first year with my first was absolutely awful. No sleep, no help, an extremely high needs baby, it was utterly miserable, exactly as you say, physically and mentally. But something DID top that year unfortunately for how hard it was.

I agree with you though, that for many people nothing will top how hard the first year is. For some people the first year is a breeze and then it’s worse. I think it definitely depends on the kind of baby you have, your personal circumstances, relationship, and what comes next in the child’s life. I have 3 and my first I thought nothing could top how hard her first year was. Believe me it did. Second one was an easy baby and toddler, tricky age 3-6 and then an utter delight and still is now as a tween. Third one a lovely, easy baby and a now quite a high needs young toddler. It just depends.

I sort of know how you feel, in that I was made many times on here to feel like a complete failure for my experience of parenting this one particular child. My other DC were straightforward teenagers. This one wasn't. It was absolute hell (she's now in her 20s and is lovely!)

I don't think people are always being negative when they say the teen years are harder - I think they're just giving their own experiences. I would personally have 100 toddlers rather than one teenager (even a nice one - I found even the straightforward ones a bit tedious, not least as they never go to bed) - but I absolutely loved the toddler stage. The fact I loved it, though, doesn't mean I'm going to brush off someone else's less positive experience.

I think we're all just muddling through.

Your kids isn't the only one that will do this. Plenty of parents will be in the same boat. Many will have people in real life to lean on, so a partner , a parent or friend. Who do you have? It's hard when you are in the trenches to appreciate that the physical aspects of parenting will lessen but they do as your kid gets bigger. Not to say it's all easy street thereafter, the challenges change.

Make your life as easy as possible. Get a bibado style bib for meals or strip to a vest. Use a floor mat under the highchair. Batch cook meals and freeze or buy pouches or ready made baby meals. Ask for help or pay for it. You sound like it's all on you 24 hours a day, ask family or friends to babysit or get a sitter for an hour a week. You need some time to yourself, there's no harm in admitting it and it will make you a better parent.

Mum of 2 y/o here. Don't make food a battle. Get baby vitamins to add to their milk. Get them in child care. Get back to work. Go to bed early. Seperate if that is the way it is going, from parents I see in similar situations it looks actually easier on the other side. CBBC on the iphone or whatever it takes to distract them at nappy time. Pay someone to do your laundry or tidy the house occasionally to lighten the load. Do something just for yourself. It gets easier. 💐

Do you work OP? If not go back to work ASAP.

I found it easier if I tried to get in the head of my child.
It's hard when they are annoying but have you tried observing what's going on from their perspective?

Drop the cup on the floor every time you get it and then wail for it - baby realisation that I can hold this and if I let go, it drops on the floor and goes bang. That was fun I want to do it again.
Food in mouth. If I do this spit thing that is an interesting sensation.

For you this drudgery is boring as hell (we've all been there) but for them ordinary things are mind blowing new things. If you can see it from their perspective it can help the boring become less so I think. And you start to appreciate the amazingness of things we take for granted in the day to day.

True enough. To be honest I clicked on it as it intrigued me.
I honestly expected it to be a rant about teenagers being exasperating or something like that! Which wouldn't upset me in the slightest!

YANBU. It gets better but it's still a long way down the road. Thank you also for pointing out that you don't have PND, but the thankless daily slog is simply not something that a self-respecting, human-being is supposed to put up with. I fucking hate it when people's knee jerk response about complaining about motherhood is to assume you must have PND. In a normal life lived with dignity, you are not expected to work 10-12 hours without a single break. You are not expected to survive on 4-5 hours of broken sleep, crawl around on the floor cleaning up mess while more mess is being created and expected to function through sickness and pain. There is no legal job in the world that will expect its employees the work those types of hours with zero breaks, weekends or holidays. Yet motherhood is all of that and you're expected to be grateful for every second. If you dare to complain about it, then you must be put on anti-depressants because your brain is clearly aberrant for not liking a situation that is not fucking likable for anyone in first place.

Motherhood is full of "micro failures". Every single minute of every day, you are forced to deal with failing in some way. You will be fought and screamed at for trying to do something mundane like trying to dress someone. Or preparing healthy food. Or trying to buckle them into a car seat or stroller. Or leaving the house. What are usually very straightforward tasks turn into battles and nobody can claim that actively trying to fight against someone hellbent on doing the opposite of what you need them to do is pleasant or enjoyable in any way. A few weeks or even months of that isn't a problem. The problem is that the daily micro failures go on for years. It's like going into a race expecting the hardest part to be a sprint (fourth trimester/first year whatnot) and then realising it's a marathon you never prepared for. It goes on and on and on until your mind is worn down, your body numb and your Roman Empire is the person you used to be when you could simply wake up and put yourself first for the whole day.

Another problem is that to be a "good mum" you need to put on a cheery, patient and loving face for your children. Many times, this is thankfully genuine so that's not an issue. But other times, you are forced to mask how you truly feel inside with a happy, laughing facade and this literally kills you inside. It's not healthy to mask your true feelings, and motherhood forces you to do this every single day. It would probably be a lot more cathartic to scream at the kids when you feel angry or tell them to just be quiet when they won't stop talking (and some parents do) but most know that this is far worse for them. So you have to bite your lip and act like everything is amazing when inside you are raging and screaming like an animal trying to smash out of its cage.

More frequently than not, your own identity slowly gets eroded out of existence. You might try to go back to work for a while, have another baby, go back a bit more, but there is a point where the endless tasks and mental load causes the ambitious part of your brain to buckle under the pressure. What's the point of trying to compete with a child-free colleagues when you can just about hold your sanity together until everyone is in bed by 9pm and you get to pop two painkillers? How can you even compete in a workplace like that when your colleague has been able to do 5 solid hours of work during the time you were making dinner, cooking dinner, cleaning up, wrestling sick kids in and out of the bath worrying which one has to stay home from nursery the next day? At some point you will take on less responsibility for your own sanity, you welcome the extra work being carried over to those have the time and mental resources for it.

So yes, OP it's shit. Having a child is an amazing, transformative experience and you love them on a primal level. But day to day life with a toddler is soul destroying, dull, messy and full of failures. There are two more stages you have to brace yourself for. 1) When they drop the final nap so you have no break from waking up till bedtime and 2) When they start the first year of nursery and are sick for an entire year. Once you survive those two phases it will gradually get easier but very slowly.

No-one can tell you it will get better, at least not in the immediate future. Each age has their challenges. My 3yo has just got fussier with food as he gets older and still makes so much mess which infuriates me, but I imagine there are plenty who eat really nicely. On the other hand he’s never really thrown a tantrum and is super kind. You can’t predict what challenges will come your way so I’d recommend looking at coping mechanisms, like how can you get some you time? I don’t know many people who don’t feel better able to parent and more patient after time away from their kids. Why are you just trudging through work, is your DS in childcare? If so I can’t see why you can’t just focus on work when you’re there and still maintain your professional self, yes it’s more of a juggle in terms of pick ups etc but when you’re actually there our your child to one side in your mind, trusting he is safe with who he is left with, and focus on regaining your old work self. Or if it’s that your job isn’t doing it for you anymore, look for a new one! Maybe find a new hobby with a new group of friends who you have something in common with that isn’t children.