Hate being a mum!!!!

[Hadenoughhhh]

I hate it. Tonight I have cooked a meal from scratch for my 13 month old. Yes, I know, why did I bother, what did I expect etc.

He’s thrown it at me, on the floor, then does this thing where he manages to store it in his mouth, I think he’s eaten it, then he suddenly spits it all out. Gave him apple which he happily eats. Mess all over him and the sauce from the meal has stained his top as it’s seeped through the bib.

He shouts, it’s become genuinely exhausting changing his nappy, physically it hurts me to do it. In the car if he decides to cry I’ve got to manage driving with a screaming noise non stop unless there’s somewhere safe to pull over. Everything Is a fucking hassle.

I love him but hate being a mother. I can’t stand it. I used to be an intelligent, career driven, witty person who could hold conversations and had a personality. Now I just trudge on with work and hope for the best. Dp is utterly useless and we will separate soon. I don’t have PND I’m just sick of doing this non stop. It’s fucking boring and I think I’ve lost brain cells in the last year. The only conversation I have these days are about sudocrem. When will this end? Ever? Or is this it?

I think Op 🤔 to seriously consirder going back to college to do a course such as access courses or something else ,

Or
Go back into the world of work ,
if you are having a break from relentless demanding looking after your little one,

and if you are being emotionally fulfilled by doing something like that, or either options what ive mentioned,

you be able to cope better with the demands of being a new parent ,

The thing is today often young mothers are either isolated or they don't have enough support too,

No wonder young mother's suffer so much from depression caused by their hormones and isolation in our society.

Sometimes or often feels like where is this fantasy,
village looking out for each other idea,

my experience is it possible to create aspects of that,

even though at times it seems like uphill struggle

I think one of the big lie's in our society , is that the idea of the perfect motherhood ,

Don't strive to live up to nigh on impossible myth fable.

aim for "good enough" mum,

which is do whatever emotionally and practically works for yourself and your little ones in your particular situation,

If that means working partime or full time or going back to college,

then so be it,

don't judge yourself by our society impossible standards , as perfection just does not simply exist ,
whithout simply lots of support emotional practical ect,

It's an facade.

I’m so sorry, you sound like you’ve had a really tough time. How old is your child now?

Sorry if what i am saying is a bit confusing as feel exhausted at the moment with ill health

My son went through this phase. I actually cried after he threw the meal I cooked for him onto the floor.
So I actually thought fuck it. If all he wants is sandwiches and veggie sticks that's what I'll give him and I did for about a year! The doctor said it was absolutely fine. And as soon as he started to socialise and see other children eating different foods he joined in.

The early years are a bit like being trapped in the same day again and again...its relentless and sometimes really stressful.
It does get easier and you do still have a brain. For me going back to work part time was a godsend. Hope you manage to have a nice chilled evening.

I think it’s entirely normal to find some parts/stages of parenting hard and frustrating, and then there’s finding it so awful you can’t see any good parts. If it’s the former, you’re entirely normal. If it’s the latter and you genuinely get no joy or happiness from being a mum I would gently suggest getting some help and talking to a GP.

I have a 14 month old, (third baby). I am not back at work. Some days I look at the clock and
wonder how on Earth it is only 9 am. When it’s raining and none of my friends are around and he is whingy and clingy and won’t let me do anything yes I find it hard. But there are many, many moments of utter joy too, and those are what gets me through. I think it’s normal to feel like it’s hard. But not normal to hate your baby and you need to understand that developmentally things like refusing food sometimes is normal.

Some practical tips:

Get out every single day. It makes things easier. Even if it’s a walk.
Homemade food is great but doesn’t have to be a massive chore. My toddler eats a lot of omelettes!
Read to him. Lots. You can sit down on the sofa, it’s educational and most babies love being read to and it’s not very arduous.

Yanbu x

This is exactly how I feel.
We have a 3.5yo (non verbal ASD with learning difficulties) and a 2.5yo and honestly our life has been so epically shit for so long.
Every day is just so so long, hard and tedious. I’d give them both back to return to my old life if I could and right now I just can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Ive lost every single thing that made me me.
I live to serve the family and It’s still not enough.

I remember my midwife saying that often times "career woman" struggle the most with babies. In the sense that they've been in control of their lives and the baby comes along and no amount of prep can get them playing ball all the time. You need to lower your expectations of youself and baby. Tbh mine always ate what we ate I lasted about a week doing pre prepared meals. Non of them are fussy eaters now. By child 3 I was picking chips off the floor using the 5 second rule 😂you're doing a grand job 👏

Around 20 months for me it got better. I feel like they hit peak cuteness between 2-3yrs.

12-18mths is a fucking ball ache. They can't talk and can only just walk - they don't have language, they get frustrated but can't say why. It's exhausting.

But as you get further away from 18mths and the walking gets better and the language starts to come - they become more fun to be around. There are still moments but you get something back other than being screamed at.

I can 100% guarantee you it gets so much better. I hated the baby / toddler stage - felt as though I lost myself. I had always had a busy professional job that I was good at, and suddenly I was bored shitless with a baby who frankly wasn’t very entertaining. Went to lots of groups but quite honestly a lot of people were not the type I would be friends with if we didn’t have kids. 10 months in I actually started losing my mind and started counting syllables in a sentence and it had to be even otherwise something bad would happen…. 🤦‍♀️ That was the point I decided I needed to go back to work.

Worked 2 days a week, upped it to 3 and finally felt myself again.

Mine are 8 and 11 now and they’re brilliant company. We have such a laugh and I adore spending time with them. It’s not a chore anymore and they’re actually fun individuals who I enjoy spending time with. I also work full time now they’re this age and that suits me so much better - I have myself back as well as being a mum.

What you describe, that irrational annoyance at the child, the frustration of the situation, the not knowing if you want to cry or punch something - all totally normal.

My advice would be work a couple of days if you can, try and find like minded people who reassure you this is normal. Also just to mention there are some absolute smug idiots on this thread 🙄!! Ignore anyone who tells you that you should enjoy every minute or use the hashtag #makingmemories - they’re usually the ones struggling the most - they just don’t have the honestly to admit it - they’re the ones I avoided at toddler groups at all costs 🤣

I strongly sympathise and have had many moments of regret myself despite loving the little blighters (yes, I had another one) very much.

It sounds like you are basically a single parent at the moment which is unbelievably tough.

My tips for coping:

Work and get childcare Monday to Friday

Don't bother cooking from scratch for the kids. Mine only eat sandwiches, fruit, yoghurt and cucumber anyway.

Do at least one fun thing for yourself a month, ideally two. Space them out so you've always got something to look forward to. Manicure, run, cinema, book group, whatever. Get a babysitter.

Ditch the useless partner and make him do childcare as part of custody arrangements so you can have some time off.

Try and outsource domestic tasks where possible. A cleaner if you can afford it. Robot hoover etc.

Mine are nearly 5 and nearly 2 and it is starting to get slightly easier, occasionally. I see light at the end of the tunnel. It will get easier for you.

It gets so much better but that doesn't help you now. My kids are 3 and 6 and I still to this day think that high chair, food on the floor/ in their ears/ hair/ eyes stage was the absolute low point of parenting! I honestly could not deal with those gross post-meal clear ups, they made me feel so utterly depressed - not just about the wasted food but about my poor wasted life!!

I second feeding them in the bath at that age too, I did that all the time. Sounds weird but who cares, no one is harmed and there is no laundry or floor to mop! Or, outdoors (I know hard in winter)....!

I also, when my DC were that age felt better when I

• Prioritised as many hours as I could afford of help from a cleaner
• Got outdoors as much as possible, even just shoving them around in the pram while I got myself a coffee and sat outside or by a window for a bit
• Spent time with other mums who are also happy to admit it's crap at times
• ditched the mum guilt about food and fed them easy foods I knew they'd eat (I worried this would make them fussy but they become so much more curious/ adventurous once at school I found, and mine now eat a much fuller range of foods and really aren't that fussy). I leaned heavily on stuff that's healthy but easy and hardly any prep - avocado, banana, eggs, beans, wholemeal toast, pasta, tuna sandwiches, cheese, peanut butter, greek yoghurt, tomato and cucumber, grated carrots
• ditched the mum guilt about childcare and working- my dc got so much out of childcare, and I was a happier mum for working
• ditched the mum guilt about TV (Health visitor told me avoid Netflix but CBeebies is absolutely fine and basically good for them)
• ditched the mum guilt generally

I also read an article (which I now can't find sorry) about how it's not possible to love parenting all the time, so give yourself a break about that, and aspire to 'moments of connection' every day with your child - it talks about 'floor time' which is all about spending 15-minute bursts of uninterrupted time with your child, going at their pace, letting them dictate the activity of game, no phones, etc, just focusing on them. I found when I did this, I enjoyed DC more, didn't feel exhausted or under pressure as its only 15 mins, and then my DC loved it so much they were usually sort of satisfied and happy to wander off and play independently more after that

Hang in there OP!

Sounds like you’ve got mum burn out! You need to have a break, leave little one with your partner, go watch a box set in your bedroom. Try get a night out if you can. It takes a village to raise a baby they say, but people don’t volunteer you’ve got to tell them straight. ‘Dad it’s your turn or I’m gunna flip my shit!’ usually works in my house. Are there any grandparents or aunties and uncles?

Also it does get easier, mum of 2. I felt like this on both of mine until they got a bit more independent and when I could reason with them.

try to laugh about it, like it’s so mental how hard it is it’s funny. And one day apparently you’ll miss this phase xx

Oh mate. This sounds so shit. I am sending you all the positive energy I can muster over the internet. Hang on in there. I hope you can find some time and ways to reconnect with yourself ❤️

You are doing too much OP. A full meal from scratch for your 1 year old isn't necessary each night. At 1 your DC will likely only eat a small portion anyway and you getting stressed isn't helping. Give yourself a break M&S do some nice bits and you can steam veggies.

Children run on their own schedules and you will soon learn to pick your battles. Is there anyone who can give you a break?

I was really curious what sort of person would post something so ridiculous and nasty, a quick look at your posting history and it’s clear you just get a kick out of being as curt and rude as possible to everyone, have a long look at yourself maybe? Your poor kids

Sounds like you’re burnt out and need a break, any way you can yet some time kid free to rest, sort out the house etc and then work on getting more into a routine and systems in place to make child rearing easier. Getting to groups and mixing with other parents usually makes parenting feel a lot less tedious. If cooking etc stresses you out then just simple nutritious meals, veg sticks, cheese, pasta, beans, scrambled egg etc

OP I found 1-2 the hardest year by far - you need to constantly watch them at home so they don’t hurt themselves, being out is a nightmare, esp trying to eat out and playing with them is just hard work - messy and not actually very rewarding. The only way I managed it was going to as many structured activities as possible (stay and play, soft play, messy play etc).

Stop beating yourself up - it definitely gets better after they turn 2 or maybe 3

Don't be so mean.

If more of us are these things we'll get more support from each other. And more of us won't feel so alone feeling like this.

I was so ashamed of feeling like this with my babies. I felt I couldn't tell anyone and had nowhere to get advice (my DCs are grown up now).

You are not alone, OP, it does get easier. But it isn't always plain sailing.

Do you work OP? My baby is one, I work full time and am going for a promotion. It changed completely for me once I went back to work at nine months.

It's normal.

My children (3 years and 21 months old) brought me to tears today.

P.s. to the nasty posts, 5 children and I’ve been a mum for over 20 years, some times I’ve loved parenthood and other times not so much, you very early days and very hard when going through all these challenges for the first time plus your tired and going through the stress of separation etc. I always found when things feel too much, do whatever you need to safeguard yours and child’s happiness. If that’s popping them a few extra hours in a nursery, getting some help in with the cleaning, cutting down your hours at work (or increasing them) bottle feeding, buying ready meals, whatever you need to do to survive the tough times while also ensuring your child is well cared for.

I am exactly the same, right down to the age it got better and a same-aged child now. Also have a decent partner, but I still really didn't enjoy it.

It does get better, I promise. I still don't feel like I've regained all my braincells, but I do feel much more myself again, and have interests beyond sudocrem. Today I took my child to the cinema this morning, played trains this afternoon, and had plenty of time in-between to get some housework done without interruption and research some stuff for my hobby. My partner's away for the weekend and I didn't dread it, it's fine. I made cheese on toast for tea, with apple and carrots sticks on the side. Low effort, child happy and fed, not much washing up. We'll have a veg-heavy roast tomorrow.

I only had one baby, because I couldn't face doing it again. But I promise, it gets better.

Are you back at work yet? If not, get your son's name down at some nurseries/childminders and get yourself back to work. If you're already back at work part time, consider upping your hours.

Society has this weird pressure on mothers that you can only be a good mother if you are attached to your child 24/7, it simply isn't true. You matter and you still get to be a person even as a mother.

Also, lower your expectations. A toddler doesn't appreciate meals that consist of hours of prep etc in the kitchen, keep it simple.