Messaging birthday party no shows

[Havanawinter]

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

Yanbu. My lovely nan died recently on a day I was invited to a party and I text to let them know I wouldn't be going. Same when my son broke his leg the day of a bbq party. Still let them know. Some people are just rude.

It is very rude. I once forgot a party as I was ill that day. I was mortified and apologised profusely and bought the mum some wine!

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.
It's just not that important to them.

No one I know sends out message reminders about (kids) birthdays.

Focus on he had his party and had a great time. Forgot the rest as it really doesn't matter.

Each individual either forgot, something happened or they decided not to come and didn't think it would be a big deal/need to let you know because it was a large kids party and you wouldn't miss one.

In an ideal world they would have let you know, but if they are getting class size party invites nearly every other week as many do at that age it is likely some slip up and it is really not a big deal.

When they are bigger and having smaller get togethers and they are not as frequent it is more likely you will be kept up to date with parents change of plans.

Like PP don't say anything to the missing kids parents but for future parties I wouldn't be inviting them to anything ever again.

YANBU Why are people so flaky these days and think this is OK is beyond me. It was the opposite in the 70s/80s everyone turned up - also with their siblings! Mum had to allow for all the presumed extras turning up. It is terribly rude, especially if you have hired a place as well. It is just plain rude.

Because they are the ones who wasted OP's money without thought

Yes, they are absolutely being rude but I definitely wouldnt send a message - imagine if you got back a "grandma died yesterday" or a "we spent all of last night in A&E" message back?- it would make you look petty and frankly, a bit of a dick.

Sadly, you will always find thoughtless, careless people doing this shit. It doesnt stop when you become an adult either. I always sent out text reminders and I think that really did help. Yes, you shouldnt have to, but thats people for you!

This is the reality of 6 year olds parties. You really do need to send a reminder because:

• the kids aren’t old enough to organise their own social life
• your child’s party isn’t the other adult’s priority
• parents of 6 year olds often are exhausted and strung out.

From age 8 onwards you have more of a chance the children themselves will remind parents. Ages 4-7 send a party reminder. And don’t black list the kids who didn’t come, it’s their parents fault not theirs.

No. Just make them squirm when you see them, it's FAR more fun.

eg at school on Monday Hi Janice So sorry little Herbert didn't manage to come along to Jeffrey's party on Saturday! It was a shame you weren't able to let me know he was ill or I could have asked Martin instead rather than waste the space. But it's really good to see he's clearly feeling SO much better today!

My DS1 used to hide party invites, as he was shy and didn’t want go to parties.

I felt so embarrassed when a mum said to me she hadn’t heard from me regarding the invite and they had such a lovely time in their swimming pool, such a shame he didnt attend.

DS1 admitted he hid the invitation, how many times this happened I don’t know, but she was the only parent that mentioned it.

Too late to embarrass the parents who replied and then did not show up. Though I sympathise with the idea.

Do not do this. Not worth the pain, hassle, bad rep, gossip, etc etc

Especially if something did happen it will be she thinks she's something.

@Havanawinter I've had this before. I messaged with LOTS of concern... I'm worried about you guys as you didn't come. Please let me know if you are ok????

Keep the list of anyone who didn't show or RSVP. Don't invite them next year (or any year after that). If they ask why - tell them why!

I'd probably just ask them if they're ok next time I saw them, something might have happened. You never know what's going on in other people's lives.

Agree that you shouldn't have to send a reminder message but you really should do when it comes to kids events. For the sake of the child you need to do they don't get let down. Just the way it is.

Don't send the message and certainly don't request money back. You will look like a right fool .

This is a learning curve for next time.

People are so flaky and rude in general.

You should have sent a reminder. Life gets busy, they've probably forgotten. You can take the ‘why should I’ approach if you like but I bet if you’d sent a reminder 24 hours before you wouldn’t of had 5 no shows, & you certainly wouldn’t of had 5 no shows with no prior knowledge. I always send a reminder 1-2 days before, you usually get texts back from the drops out then.

Really annoying for you.

Perhaps a 'Really sorry xxx couldn't make the party last week. We missed him/her and I just wanted to check that everything was ok?' message?

OP, totally understand your frustration.

This is why I will only host bdays in public spaces (preserve, parks) or at my home! Specially if I’m depending on other families to show up and have to pay per head. A park is just as good, if not better than a soft play location and it’s free.

for my child’s bday we had everyone pre order their lunch (it was catered) as we were celebrating on a beach and I didn’t want to deal with cooking, but it was over lunch, so we provided for everyone.

the day BEFORE the party I msgd everyone saying we were excited to see them, and I’m glad I did that because one mom wrote back “oh dear, we won’t be able to make it as X has croup”

🙄 okay, kids get sick, but motherf*cker you just ordered two $12 Vietnamese sandwiches for lunch which you are planning to bag on.

she didn’t think she should update her RSVP, considering she had special ordered lunch for her and her child. I find that annoying AF.
Luckily the sandwiches are delicious and other guests were excited that there were left overs, so no biggie, but c’mon. Have some class.

I get what you're saying about the reminder not being your responsibility- and I wouldn't have thought of doing this either (years back). However, given what has happened this year, I think it's a good idea for next year - just a group message saying that DS will be looking forward to seeing his friends at / on * - but if anyone can no longer make it, please let you know .

@Havanawinter
At any social event there is always a certain amount of attrition among guests , even those who have confirmed their attendance. With children there are possibilities of something happening not only with the child or with the parent.

The wisest course of action is to not spend more than you can walk away from without being upset and to use vague numbers when discussing the event with your child i.e. ' lots of your friends will be coming."

I would not be reaching out in any way to the parents in any fashion. The event happened and assumedly your child was happy and everyone present had a fun time. What more could you have wanted?