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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaging birthday party no shows

231 replies

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 10:50

I’ve been stewing on this since last weekend and can’t decide if I’m BU. My son turned 6 last week and had a soft play party. We invited 20 kids, 18 RSVPd yes, all seemed well. Come the day of the party and 5 of the kids don’t show up. No messages in advance and nothing since. I want to say something to the parents of the no shows along the lines of “sorry X couldn’t make it in the end, please let me know in the future as we could have offered their spot to another child” but DH says that’s crass and I should just leave it. It’s £70-odd down the drain too and I think it’s just rude not to send a message saying “oh sorry X Is ill and can’t come to the party”

AIBU?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 18/11/2023 16:01

Am amazed at the number who are saying she should have sent a reminder - are people really so poorly organised and dismissive of someone else’s special day?
Its simple - those who were rude and accepted the invite and then didn’t turn up - they don’t get invited next year!
No one is too busy to check their calendar each day. As well as being rude to those who invited them, their child has also missed out on a lovely day.

Notjustabrunette · 18/11/2023 16:01

This has happened to me before. It’s rude and annoying, but I wouldn’t message them. This is why you need to send a reminder. I agree that adults should be able to manage their diaries, but I once wrote the time down wrong (1.30 instead of 11.30) for a party and would have missed it it I hadn’t of seen the reminder sent. I know some else who ended up at the wrong swimming pool for a party, so mistakes do happen. Sending a reminder just reduces the chances for mistakes to happen.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 18/11/2023 16:01

Why would you pay for children that wasn’t there when you was paying?

zurala · 18/11/2023 16:03

Personally I would send "I hope all is ok with X, (child) missed them at the party yesterday/today, hoping you are all ok xx"
But you can't ask for money! I wouldn't be able to totally leave it though.

zurala · 18/11/2023 16:04

Itsbritneybitch22 · 18/11/2023 16:01

Why would you pay for children that wasn’t there when you was paying?

If you have to pay in advance, or for a minimum amount, then she would have had to pay anyway.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 18/11/2023 16:12

@zurala

I know that but she didn’t? She paid at the door so it doesn’t make sense to pay for children that aren’t in front of her?

Surely you expect some no shows and always send a reminder - the why should I thing is weird because obviously you should as you end up paying for 5 children who don’t show up … so yea reminders in future instead of passive aggressive texts a week later would have worked wonders.

tanqueray10 · 18/11/2023 16:14

I agree it's absolutely infuriating. I had prepped party bags for the children that didn't turn up so instead of binning them I hand delivered them to the parents in school the following week. I really don't know how they aren't mortified at just not showing up when someone is hosting their child!

zurala · 18/11/2023 16:19

Itsbritneybitch22 · 18/11/2023 16:12

@zurala

I know that but she didn’t? She paid at the door so it doesn’t make sense to pay for children that aren’t in front of her?

Surely you expect some no shows and always send a reminder - the why should I thing is weird because obviously you should as you end up paying for 5 children who don’t show up … so yea reminders in future instead of passive aggressive texts a week later would have worked wonders.

Edited

Well if it was the case of paying for those there then yes it doesn't make any sense to pay for people who haven't arrived.

walkingintothefuture · 18/11/2023 16:29

are people really so poorly organised and dismissive of someone else’s special day?

Yes, they are. Which is exactly why a reminder can be a great way of helping. If I have arranged a catch up with a friend a few weeks in advance I will often text the day before asking if we are still on to meet and they do it to me too. Its really no big deal. It takes 30 seconds lol

Harrysmummy246 · 18/11/2023 16:32

DS class mums (always the mums....) send a message a day or so before asking about dietary requirements which is also subtle code for a reminder. And to be fair, the parents have mostly been good about saying, actually, something has come up short notice, sorry too.

And as for calendar- yes, but nobody is perfect, I've double booked myself more than once and realised sometimes with not much time to spare. Parents are often juggling far more than just their own child and things slip our minds.

Mistymountain · 18/11/2023 16:38

At the point where I had to pay the money for the children who weren't there yet, I'd have assumed they weren't coming and just paid extra if they turned up.

SunshineAndFizz · 18/11/2023 16:51

Yeah it's very annoying, but don't message them and please don't ask for money.

Just one to silently seethe about and hold a grudge about for the rest of their school days.

Oriunda · 18/11/2023 16:55

We’ve nearly always had WhatsApp groups set up for party invitees by the party host (and I’ve done the same). That way we can carpool, ask what gift child would like, send pics of party, and give/receive thanks etc. So much easier for both host and invitees.

AnneValentine · 18/11/2023 17:00

We have this and I’ve now started sending this:

”Hi, just checking x is coming as we will wait before we start food” or “just checking x is coming, don’t want to Chuck his food if they are”.

Londonrach1 · 18/11/2023 17:05

That's very strange...why didn't they let you know. Rude not too. At my dd party two children didnt turn up ...one mum had sent message which I read after the party to say child was being physically sick. Second one excited in the playground on the following Monday morning how much her child was looking forward to the party and she just wanted to double check time...she got her dates mixed up and thought party next week. Both very good reasons. It's rude not to let you know. However I wouldn't say anything...there might be a good reason . Just rethink about inviting them next year .

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 18/11/2023 18:43

Havanawinter · 18/11/2023 11:15

I’m not going to say anything, but I am annoyed! I totally understand life happens but it takes 30 seconds to send a message. I’m certainly not going to ask them for money back. My son will know these kids for many years and I wouldn’t do anything to affect his relationships with them. I will continue to stew in private 😆

and no I didn’t send a reminder message… why should I? We’re all adults, keeping track of our kids’ social lives is our own individual responsibility, not that of other people.

oh and it is money down the drain: at this place you pay the balance on arrival based off the number of children who RSVPd yes. So I paid for them and 15 minutes later they didn’t show. If they knew they weren’t coming they knew further in advance than 15 minutes.

I agree. Why would you send a reminder message? They could put an invite on Friday or if no physical invite put it on a wall calendar or in phone calendar. It's not difficult, as easy as and similar time it would to send you a message to say they can no longer make it. I would never expect anyone to send me a reminder text, I would actually probably find it cheeky if I got one! So I'd not worry about those in contrast with PP.

So very sorry for your son though and hope he had a great time with his other friends :)

willWillSmithsmith · 18/11/2023 20:07

wokbun · 18/11/2023 12:20

I don't care. They are rude enough to not even bother messaging in the first place why shouldn't OP be rude back.

Show quote history

Because her children are going to be classmates with their children for a number of years. I’d just let it go but be aware of future invites etc.

Goldbar · 18/11/2023 20:12

walkingintothefuture · 18/11/2023 16:29

are people really so poorly organised and dismissive of someone else’s special day?

Yes, they are. Which is exactly why a reminder can be a great way of helping. If I have arranged a catch up with a friend a few weeks in advance I will often text the day before asking if we are still on to meet and they do it to me too. Its really no big deal. It takes 30 seconds lol

Absolutely. And also there are 30 kids in the class and, a good chunk of parties being whole-class, that means I'll be bringing my child along to 3-4 parties a month in the busier months. The kids love them and I'm very pleased and grateful we're invited but it's a big time commitment.

I absolutely want your child (and every child in the class) to have a fantastic day and party, and happy to do my best to make that happen, but a little bit of help doesn't go amiss sometimes. Your child's day is very special and important, but it's one amongst many other children's days and sometimes people get muddled.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/11/2023 22:22

It's definitely sensible to send a reminder a few days ahead. At least you get an embarrassed "oh shit I forgot" or prompt on the day if they are unwell.

WhatsApp groups are handy for this stuff. Anyone who has rsvp's, add them in and then it's easy. Plus everyone knows who's committed.

StarDolphins · 18/11/2023 22:33

I would be seething & want to text too.

This is just so unbelievably rude. Awful. I’ve never had a no show (few cancelled but let me know).

I really hate bad manners & I hold a grudge🤣 so I wouldn’t be inviting them to any more parties & I also wouldn’t be making any effort with the parents.

IsobelElsie123 · 19/11/2023 17:48

I agree, and then your child may be upset.

scotvic · 19/11/2023 18:01

Yes they are very inconsiderate and rude. I would be furious too. But maybe better not to cause friction at this stage by calling them out…..
In future, I suggest you send reminder(s) as the date approaches as an increasing number of service providers do.I suspect many people are disorganised and rely on these. You could say in a reminder that you’d be grateful if anyone calling off at the last minute could let you know, to avoid unnecessary expense and disappointment.

Cindefuckingrella · 19/11/2023 18:05

I always set up a party WhatsApp and always send a, ‘look forward to seeing you all tomorrow at 11 for X’s party’ reminder. Always seems to work. No you shouldn’t have to, but I do it as I know how annoyed I’d be if there were no shows!

EarthlyNightshade · 19/11/2023 18:07

It's hard to believe that of those who "forgot" that not one of them remembered since. If I made a genuine mistake, I would message even a few days later to apologise.

Salome61 · 19/11/2023 18:22

I'm so very sorry. Personally I just wouldn't invite the no show children again. Not their fault, their Mums just can't handle their child's social calendar.

I invited twelve children to my son's bowling party and as we are rural, we had to go in a minibus to the bowling alley thirty miles away. One child was 'late' and my son wanted to wait for him with my husband, so I went ahead with the other kids on the minibus. I'll never forget my son's face at the house doorway. They waited thirty minutes, no show at all. When I saw the mother at the school gate she'd 'forgotten'.

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