How the hell do you look after a child of this age?! I feel like a shit parent

[Parentingonee]

DD is 13 months. She’s in nursery Monday to Wednesday while I work (I’m using annual leave to take Thursday and Friday off after maternity leave), and then we have four days together. I was adamant I wanted this and didn’t want her in nursery too much.

I had a pretty easy year with her. She breastfed easily, slept well etc. I felt confident I could navigate year two with her. Her dad sees her once a month so I get no real break, although he does pay all her nursery fees and provides 250 a month for her general expenses, which is a massive help. I use this money for a cleaner to help me keep on top of the home etc and felt like I was really making things work well. But I’m not.

I am losing my mind. Been up today since 7am and I want to cry. I have no idea what to do with her. We live semi-rural but I can’t face a soft play on a weekend. She can’t walk and doesn’t like the pram much so even if we have a walk it’s for 30 mins. She looks at a book for 30 seconds then that’s it. Even the tv I resorted to but she’s not interested in that anyway, plus I know it’s not good. I do play with her at home but I can’t do that for four days straight before work again. I feel like such a shit parent. Meal times are good as it’s something to do and interact. Even if we go out it feels pointless. She likes shopping in the trolley but obviously that’s only an hour max before i am losing my mind again.

Can’t believe I thought I was good at being a parent. I’m fully put in my place now and begging for ideas on how to fill these days???

Ditch the cleaner and get her to follow you round while you do the cleaning. With my DC this is the surefire way of encouraging independent play because they get bored

If you can get to a toddler group/ music session /story time at a library on Thursday or Friday you'd likely meet up with other mums who can suggest other places to go- and it would be company for you both as you sound a bit isolated.

Try and think what you would do if you didn’t have a child and then try and go that but bring her with you. Museums, art galleries, shopping and coffee with friends are all pretty doable. I spent hours in the park when my son was under 5. Swimming is great too, a hotel pool is normally cleaner and warmer so it’s a more enjoyable experience. Just bobbing around in the water for an hour will entertain her. I get one membership each year to an aquarium, museum or farm so I have an easy day out I can do regularly. One that works on rainy days too is best. or get a pal round for an hour and they can be the baby entertainment while you chat.

I find weekends hard because people tend to do family days out and that can be lonely as a single parent. But ultimately me and my wee pal have great fun and I’m happy not to have to accommodate another adult or referee bickering siblings!

@Parentingonee I have been a single parent to 12 month old. I am out of that phase but wanted to show you solidarity as I know it is unbelievably, unbelievably hard and utterly relentless, and often lonely. Some great ideas of activities above but also wanted to say don’t beat yourself up that they “need” to do things because they really don’t - particularly as they go to nursery so will”do” a lot of things. If you need to get house stuff done, they tag along. The era of needing to provide activities is quite a recent one and I certainly wasn’t raised with a mass of agenda and turned out fine. If someone’s around for a cuppa - do that. My youngest was incredibly high maintenance and didn’t sit and I used to get stressed- honestly no one will care. Just be kind to yourself because everything follows from that. The days may sometimes be really really long but the years are short, as it turns out!

Sorry if someone has mentioned already, but Mothercould on Instagram has great ideas for messy play at home with this age: play trays, water play, coloured rice, taste safe play dough and taste safe paint. You could work with a theme e.g. make some Christmas cards, make a play tray of items with the colour red. It may feel like filling time and little one may be new to things like holding a paintbrush but it's all learning e.g.: fine motor skills and building attention span etc.

First of all you ARE a good parent.

This age is difficult and they’re hard to entertain but it does get better also this time of year makes things so much more difficult.

Babybum on Netflix is good, you don’t need to find things to fill every second of the day, don’t pressure yourself you’re doing great.

I've got 19 month old and mostly here for the ideas.

But wanted to say I feel the same a lot of the days. It's a really difficult stage when they want more stimulation but it's difficult to constantly be providing it. My area is like yours, all groups are on weekdays. So I fill thursday and Friday going to toddler groups/song sessions etc. Weekends we go shopping, library and park when dry. Try to see friends especially those with kids of their own as they keep baby busy.

One activity that does keep her busy for a good chunk is printing with waterproof toys she has. Then I gave her a tube of warm water to give all her toys a bubble bath. Bit messy but effective.

Ridiculous. Nothing is boring to a baby, everything is new and doing things with mum or dad is exactly where they want to be.

You don't have to stimulate them constantly, so don't feel bad if you're not doing anything. It is difficult before they walk or if they have just started walking and it's very slow. Remember they don't need much at this age for entertainment - I would quite often forget to bring anything to play with if popping out for a bit while mine were that age and I found it's amazing how long they can entertain themselves with some sugar sachet at a cafe (although maybe I was lucky they never managed to tear one open and make a mess!)

It will get easier when she can walk - don’t despair you aren’t a shit parent at all! Keep trying different activities; they have very short attention spans. Even things like pots and pans, cups are interesting for them. DS spent ages playing with pipe cleaners that I would threat through holes in a plastic sieve! Also straws cut up and make holes in a little cardboard box with Lid that they can poke them through. Other activity he likes is some coloured masking tape on the floor and then pushing his cars along the tape. Balls through kitchen roll tubes! Plastic balls like soft play balls taped to the wall they can pull off and put in a bucket or big bowl. You can make sensory bottles out of empty water bottles and fill with dry pasta lentils etc to shake! Does she like play doh that’s another good one for little hands. I would also start with colouring crayons and paper at this age, stickers aswell are likely to be a big hit. It is relentless but they need just a bit of stimulation at that age for short bursts. We had a little tricycle with a handle on the back that we would go out in before he could walk, Just up and down the road a few times. Keep going, good luck! Don’t beat yourself up. There’s days when it seems bleak and I found the early months the hardest but as soon as they can walk it becomes much much easier and it’s upwards from there! Xx

Do you have friends with kids the same age? That was a lifesaver for me.

Totally NOT a shit parent! Everyone has a hard stage and one of mine was tricky at this point. The plastic toys in a low cupboard suggestion in one response is brilliant as they seem to like feeling they are “discovering” by this age, not being given a pile of permitted items. Swings and feeding ducks were staples for us. In summer a trip to a sandpit is brilliant but I know that’s not too helpful right now. What about blocks? They worked quite well for us. But it’s hard. They are getting bored of being a baby but don’t have skills for preschool activities.

Sending you lots of love and saying that you're not a shit parent. You sound like an amazing mum with all you're doing for her, and the fact you're trying to do all this and still think of more things you could do just proves it.

It's a really hard age. Do take some time to look after you though, because you being ill will impact your little one far more significantly that not being entertained.
Honestly, you ARE amazing x

I have a 15 month old and I can assure you it’s hard.

the hardest days, however, are the days when we just stay inside.

at this age they are beyond active (and that’s a good thing!), so feed that drive.

my schedule with my LO varies, but we go, WITHOUT FAIL to the library for baby story hour - I recommend you get into the habit of doing this 💯

where I live it’s only on 1x a week, but I also bring her to a neighboring towns library 2x a week for story hour. It’s a 25min drive each way but soooooo worth it. So for 3 days we attend baby hour and she gets to interact and play.

every morning we go to the park, where I let her climb the slides, and just be in the sun.

my baby also doesn’t sit long for books, unless we’re at the library, but she’s starting to get into our laps when we read at home.

You need to get out. On the week days, playgroups are cheap, make some mum friends to hang out with, or if you hate unstructure chit chat - groups like music, swimming, yoga. Have something to do each morning. So it's get up and breakfast, go out, home for lunch, afternoon nap, afternoon a mix of playing, bit of tv, then tea, bath, books and bed. At the weekend, trip out to shops putting that away, then other day maybe parks or see relatives etc. When she is with her dad do something just for you. It can be a drudge at this age but the routine helps, when she properly walks, that will help, then you will blink and she will be at school. But stucture and routine is key and some mates with small kids to chat to about how it is a drudge etc.

You are not a shit parent but a lonely one. I would definitely change my working pattern if I could so that you don’t have 4 days all together. Could the nursery accommodate half days. That way some days you can just have half days to entertain her.

I believe between 1 and 2 years are the hardest. They are too young to be overly engaged with a parent. They are learning independence, but still have to have al your attendance. Soon the wilful and stubborn stage will kick in too.

You are not a failure to realise that some children thrive better in the nursery environment. You have heaped a great deal of guilt onto yourself for something that is not of your doing.

I can’t fully remember but think 13 months is a bit young for paintbrushes so I wouldn’t worry about that. It sounds like most of all, you need to find some friends in the same situation as you to hang ou5 with at weekends, and then everything will start to feel more fun. So I’d put some time and effort into making that happen - maybe post on your local parents Facebook group, or be brave and chat to lots of people at weekday groups until you find someone you click with.

Also when you go swimming with a baby, you don’t actually swim, you just stand in the shallow end and mess about with them, it can be really fun so maybe try it once too in case you don’t hate it. There are often swimming lessons for that age group but you’re required to get in the water with them.

Stay and play groups, rhyme time at library, swimming, park to go on the swings

It'll get easier when she can walk (did for me anyway)

I took DD to a different play group every day from 11 months, the church type where you get tea, coffee and biscuits, kids get snacks and to play

13-18 months was my least favourite age, bar newborn. However that was probably not helped by going into lockdown when he was 13 months, and having both of us trying to work at home with a 13-17 month old, before he went back to nursery. I cried daily and basically lost my mind (except I couldn't, I didn't have time to).

My tips would be:
Go outside as much as possible
Get a playpen or travel cot and put child in it with a variety of toys they don't otherwise have access to
Get them into the TV. It's fine.

I have to say, this is my worst nightmare. I like to clean quickly and uninterrupted. I do not have the patience or time for a small child to make a mess while I'm trying to clean.

Also my cleaner is wonderful.

Don't put pressure on yourself to constantly entertain her its not needed. Maybe think of getting rid of the cleaner so that you have things to do. Go out when possible and spend time with friends. This time will pass

For the weekdays, there are likely sessions for babies and toddlers at local libraries, church halls, community centres etc. Most sessions are free or very cheap and it's also a good way to meet other parents who you can then meet up with away from the groups to go to the park, have around for a coffee etc while the kids play.
Most areas also have a toy library. That allows you to borrow toys and then exchange them for different ones at regular intervals - it's a good way to keep little ones interested with new toys without spending a fortune, it can be fun going to pick them, and you may also get to meet some other parents.
Very small children often love the most basic of things: going on the bus, looking at a construction site, playing with ordinary household objects, feeding the ducks, digging in a sandpit, playing in the bath - you don't have to spend much (if any money) to keep them entertained, though it is very tiring and often fairly dull for the adults!
Have you got any family and friends nearby? Even if they don't have similar aged kids, I recommend arranging to see them on weekends - even if they just come to yours for a chat or if you meet them in your nearest town for a walk or for window shopping.
Can her dad not have her more - twice a month perhaps? Seeing her only once a month isn't all that much (but I'm conscious there may be a good reason why he can't).
Ultimately you need to do whatever you can to preserve your sanity - and in most instances small kids can slot in around that. The very fact you're worried about keeping her entertained means you're absolutely not a shit parent. Looking after small children is exhausting - mentally and physically. Some people love it when they're this age; others find it incredibly hard, boring, and frustrating - and that's absolutely fine.

"some periods of raising small children can be soul destroying"

Oh gosh, yes. I had a 16 month old plus newborn, no family to help as we'd moved 250 miles away for DH's work. Sometimes I don't know how I got through it without losing my mind, tbh.

Typical day when my DC were toddlers was something like:

Get into bed with me at 7 (not before) and read stories
Get dressed
Breakfast
Walk to shops/playgroup/friends' houses/library/park/museum/gallery (depending on what day it was)
Drink and a biscuit somewhere en route
Come home
Lunch
More stories
Quiet time in own bedrooms.
Pottering at home - normally them "helping" me with domestic stuff (i.e. counting things into the washing machine - ok, so a 13 month old can't count, but this is how they learn), or smearing themselves with paint and glitter or playdoh.
Children's tea
Bath
More stories
Bed

You don't have to entertain them all day. They really just want to be with you, and so long as you're talking to them while you're doing stuff, that's enough.
I got so used to talking to them that I spent a while talking to myself once they started school.

So long as we got out of the house in the mornings, it was easier to be at home "doing nothing" in the afternoons.

I sometimes took them to splash around in the baby pool at our local leisure centre, but that was a bit stressful as I didn't really have enough hands or pairs of eyes. With one toddler, it would have been fine, though.

Toddlers were my favourite age - babies are pretty dull but I liked it once they went properly interactive.

This is hands down the worst age, I found it a lot easier when they were walking and could go to whatever they wanted and you could set them free in the park and let them wander about and tire themselves out. I second the advice to do things you like and take them along.

Whoever said cancel the cleaner and get them to help you clean, that’s an absolutely terrible idea.

Personally if I were you I’d put her in nursery more and enjoy your annual leave with some child free days.