How the hell do you look after a child of this age?! I feel like a shit parent

[Parentingonee]

DD is 13 months. She’s in nursery Monday to Wednesday while I work (I’m using annual leave to take Thursday and Friday off after maternity leave), and then we have four days together. I was adamant I wanted this and didn’t want her in nursery too much.

I had a pretty easy year with her. She breastfed easily, slept well etc. I felt confident I could navigate year two with her. Her dad sees her once a month so I get no real break, although he does pay all her nursery fees and provides 250 a month for her general expenses, which is a massive help. I use this money for a cleaner to help me keep on top of the home etc and felt like I was really making things work well. But I’m not.

I am losing my mind. Been up today since 7am and I want to cry. I have no idea what to do with her. We live semi-rural but I can’t face a soft play on a weekend. She can’t walk and doesn’t like the pram much so even if we have a walk it’s for 30 mins. She looks at a book for 30 seconds then that’s it. Even the tv I resorted to but she’s not interested in that anyway, plus I know it’s not good. I do play with her at home but I can’t do that for four days straight before work again. I feel like such a shit parent. Meal times are good as it’s something to do and interact. Even if we go out it feels pointless. She likes shopping in the trolley but obviously that’s only an hour max before i am losing my mind again.

Can’t believe I thought I was good at being a parent. I’m fully put in my place now and begging for ideas on how to fill these days???

For some inspiration to encourage some independent play/exploration there are some great people on Instagram - five minute mum, playprompts are 2 of my faves. Both show some free and simple play ideas you can set up in 5 minutes.

Well you are absolutely not a shit Mum, you are just going through what is the hardest time for some babies.

Pinterest is great for ideas for sensory or messy play if she has trouble focusing on books etc. Shredding paper, playing with rice, pasta etc, play dough, water play, sand etc. It will wreck the house but if there's just 2 of you then who cares, clean up after a few days when she tires of it. Banging saucepans with different utensils is another good one, or turn the recycling bin upside down and let her do her thing.

Check for 'mini soft plays' at a local farm/gym/other, they tend to not be busy until around lunch time even on the weekend. A membership to a farm that has one is sometimes worth its weight as you can do some of the farm stuff and some of the soft play stuff

And then just know that the older they get the more actively they play! So sometimes it's just repetitive not very exciting days at this age, but in time it gets easier

Will she go in a sling? DD never had a pram, it was either sling or car seat. If she will, just stick her in and do normal stuff - walking, shopping etc. At that age one of our favourite things to do was go to Asda, then have lunch in the cafe. Rock n roll!
Rose & Rebellion do slings for small babies then another toddler-size one.

You need adult company. Don’t be alone all day with a baby/ toddler who can’t talk to you. It’ll drive you bonkers.

Basically, visit anyone who’ll have you, join any classes/ groups you can afford. Put your baby in the gym’s crèche and have some time to yourself, make mum friends (use the internet if necessary).

If you Google 'how to entertain a 1 year old' there are lots of pages of ideas on there. Sorry but my youngest is 27 now so it's a long time since I've had to do this.

If you have space for one I can't recommend a toddler tower enough! I think they go by different names, but Google toddler/helping/Montessori Tower and there are loads. She might be a bit young for one, but not by much! They're essentially a step with a back to them so they can't (easily!) fall. Playing/helping you and gets them feeling involved in everyday things. I used to run a bit of water in the sink and she'd be happy 'cleaning' things for ages. Or a tuff tray? They take up more space but can have them in our outside and great for loads of different play.

Baby classes on the weekdays, or stay and play type sessions. Mine went to baby sensory classes, swimming and library sessions all through those early years.
The likes of library sessions and stay and play are very cheap, if not free. It's a bit annoying that everything is a car ride away, but I'd personally chalk that up as the cost of sanity.
It's also a good chance to meet other parents, as you sound a bit lonely.

Yes, this!

@widowtwankywashroom thesw things don’t seem to be on at the weekend though

It's hard, I remember being happy when it was 13.45 as I was now entering the 2nd half of the day! About that age my ds loved his mini trampoline, he was walking at that stage and that gave me a break from constantly having to entertain, I was obviously with him but still felt like respite. As others have said, swimming quite good as can take quite a big chunk out of your day. I would considering uping your hours at work too.

@TrashedSofa I can’t find any on at a weekend that’s the issue otherwise I’d do some classes

Oh op I feel for you. I remember clock watching waiting for my husband to get home so I could sling the kids at him and have an hour to myself. I'd mindlessly walk round Tesco as it felt so freeing to be out and about not having to worry about car seats, buggies, and waiting on tenterhooks for the inevitable screaming or whining. I can't imagine how hard it must be when you aren't getting a break each day. Do you have any support locally? A parent or sibling who could watch her for an hour or two even once a week to give you a break? That was my godsend. Made some local mum friends and we'd take in in turns having eachother over once or twice a week, our houses all resembled a ransacked aisle of toys r us... complete shitholes, and none of us cared. The hosting mum would do lunch while the others chatted and watched the babies, and I honestly think that is what saved me from spiralling into depression. It's hard, as you don't want to wish the time away, but equally the days do feel extremely long and tiring, and nothing seems to get done, and it's completely normal to not be enjoying it. Like others have said, once they are more mobile and interactive, things become so much easier. When you can ask your toddler a question and get a response, it doesn't feel so lonely and like a never ending guessing game, and as they get older again, it becomes more fun, like having a mini best mate to do stuff with 😄. Their attention span develops, and you can relive childhood Disney movies with them, they start to enjoy going shopping and choosing things, "helping" cook, show an interest in things and their little personality will shine through, so you start to choose things to do that they'll get them most enjoyment out of. Give it 6 months and you'll be at a completely new stage, in a year, your daughter will be running round and chatting away, and becoming an awesome little person you can't wait to spend time with. I know that probably seems like a long way away now, but you'll get there. X

First of all you are absolutely not a shit parent. Are there any garden centres local to you? We have a few around here with some brilliant Christmas displays at the moment and I sometimes take my little girl there to kill a few hours. I struggle to find things to do with mine too, we went to the garden centre 3 times last week 🤣🤣

Libraries and swimming pools are open at weekends.

Nobody really enjoys going to soft play but we do it because it gives us some peace and tires them out.

You know you don't have to constantly entertain her? Just let her puddle about the house and practice whatever skill she's working on, standing or walking or whatever. It's what children have been doing for millennia.

Yeah they tend to be more weekdays. Is there anything on Thursdays and Fridays you could access? The weekend would feel different if it were two unmoored days you had to fill rather than four. The way you're feeling this morning is also happening in the context of your Thursday and Friday, I would think?

It's relentless, it's a difficult age and if you're on your own you can multiply that by x100.

Find some adult company, if you need to go to soft play to drink a cup of tea that you didn't make for yourself and see some other adult faces, then do it. Single parenting is bloody hard work and you really need to join forces with other people, friends, family, groups, you're not meant to be doing this alone and you're not failing if you're not enjoying it.

I found a Toddler carrier brilliant for this age up through to around three, they can see what you can see, you're hands free. I was never very good at Pinterest Mumming, I found it incredibly boring, in most cultures the children accompany the adults doing regular daily stuff, rather than the day being spend trying to entertain them.

You are doing an amazing job, don't underestimate yourself, and give yourself a break. It will pass, those early years are a real grind, I found things much easier when they were through toddlerhood and the saying that the days are long but the years are short, does ring true when you look back.

Hang in there, its' not you, it's relentless for a while!

I had a DH, so not anywhere near the same, but he went to work on Sunday lunchtime, and got home on Friday evening (late).
Those Sunday afternoons on my own in winter were awful. My 2 are at secondary school now, and I can still remember them.
I'd fill your Thursday and Friday with activities and groups.
Sat and Sun for whatever you can do - shopping, library, soft play, swimming, (park). ie free and cheap stuff when others are at home with just the kids, and the more expensive stuff when most people are doing family stuff so not available.

Will she "help" you with cooking (a mushroom and table knife), cleaning (a collection of cloths), washing up (bowl and unbreakable, safe, bits). It will all take much longer with her "help" but will keep her busy, and you achieving what is needed.

If she’s happy in nursery send her Monday - Friday so you only have 2 days a week to cope with and you’ll probably find you enjoy weekends a lot more. I found I enjoyed the weekends so much more when toddler in nursery full time and now at school and they are now perfectly happy, well balanced child.
Can you just work an extra day to afford this so that you still have a day free a week? As long as you’re both happy that’s the main thing, don’t worry about what you ‘should’ feel, toddlers are hard work and particularly hard if managing on your own. Hopefully you’ll also get a bit of a break when your on annual leave too

A typical day for us looked like

tv
breakfast
walk to the supermarket
do a shop
Come home and do an activity eg finger painting
snack
nap
walk to the park and swings
tv
nap
have a friend over for coffee
tea time
bath time

also have you for a church toddler group near you? So helpful

Yy to lots of little activities - a daily kitchen Disco, daily balloon time, bath time with toys, walks to spot cats and dogs, trips to Tesco - but it also helps if you can sound ridiculously excited about them too. Yay! It's time to dance! Let's discoooo. Fake it until she starts to catch your enthusiasm. She will soon start to talk and suggest/ask for things.

I found 12-24 months really tricky too, specially on days with no clubs/groups or friends around. Keep posting here too. It kept me sane!

Weekends are the worst when you’re a single mum. The acres and acres of time trying to amuse a child on your own. No wonder you’re losing the will to live. When I was a single mum with small children, I teamed up with another single mum with small children, and we spent a lot of time together, hanging out. The toddler wrangling doesn’t go away, but at least you have company while you do it! And as they kids get bigger they play together, and then they really are less work.

Do you have any mum friends? Have you tried any toddler groups? Me and my single mum pal made friends at toddler group - and 17 years later, she still one of my most treasured friends, even though it’s been a long long time since either of us was single!

A non Walker at this time of year is a pain, at least in the summer you can take a rug and a picnic to the park or the beach, but a non Walker in winter is soul destroying because you have to keep moving outdoors unless you both freeze and even getting to indoor spaces involves getting dressed in layers, which isn’t easy if your child is un co operative. I think the idea up thread about sharing with other mums, one doing lunch at home while the others watch the children is a good one. If you dont know any local mums is it worth advertising on a local site or putting up a flyer in a community area to see if there is anyone else in your situation locallly? You only need two , or three, to make it happen.

This! As parents it isn't our job to be children's entertainers. For your own sanity both now and in the future you would be best to encourage as much independent play as possible - so get on with the household jobs and let them either play with their own toys, or help you with whatever you are doing. I've had that policy from the start and my nearly 3 year old DD is an absolute champion at playing by herself. If needed, you can play with them for 5/10 minutes at the start to get them engaged in an activity, then you slowly withdraw like a silent ninja, even if it's just to go have a sly cup of tea!