How the hell do you look after a child of this age?! I feel like a shit parent

[Parentingonee]

DD is 13 months. She’s in nursery Monday to Wednesday while I work (I’m using annual leave to take Thursday and Friday off after maternity leave), and then we have four days together. I was adamant I wanted this and didn’t want her in nursery too much.

I had a pretty easy year with her. She breastfed easily, slept well etc. I felt confident I could navigate year two with her. Her dad sees her once a month so I get no real break, although he does pay all her nursery fees and provides 250 a month for her general expenses, which is a massive help. I use this money for a cleaner to help me keep on top of the home etc and felt like I was really making things work well. But I’m not.

I am losing my mind. Been up today since 7am and I want to cry. I have no idea what to do with her. We live semi-rural but I can’t face a soft play on a weekend. She can’t walk and doesn’t like the pram much so even if we have a walk it’s for 30 mins. She looks at a book for 30 seconds then that’s it. Even the tv I resorted to but she’s not interested in that anyway, plus I know it’s not good. I do play with her at home but I can’t do that for four days straight before work again. I feel like such a shit parent. Meal times are good as it’s something to do and interact. Even if we go out it feels pointless. She likes shopping in the trolley but obviously that’s only an hour max before i am losing my mind again.

Can’t believe I thought I was good at being a parent. I’m fully put in my place now and begging for ideas on how to fill these days???

Some people find it fun and some people find it boring.
Dont be ashamed if you find it boring or frustrating.
Maybe the younger years are just not for you and you will find things better once your dc can walk or even when they are much older.

Organised groups like swimming and such will help to break up the day.
But if it’s really not for you then go back to work for more days and either
your dc does more days at nursery or you swap with your partner to look after dc.
It doesn’t all have to be down on you.

You're a great mum! It's tough looking after a toddler that age especially when there's not much around. How about music and dancing?

Exactly, and all kids are different too, some will still nap so breaks up the day, others have given their naps up completely and just get more and more difficult as the day goes on. Try getting out and about, going to groups etc but if that doesn’t help then pop her in nursery full time. As long as your both happy that’s the main thing

I used to take my DS to a supermarket cafe for breakfast once a week at this age - he loved it.

We also used to walk A LOT - hours each day.

visit the charity shops and ‘play’ with the toys

visit the library and choose some books

swim or soft play

it really is hard

Go back full time. As PP have said, this stage isn’t for everyone. It’s boring and monotonous. Enjoy family time at the weekend.

This time of year is great for visiting garden centres to look at the lights. Are there any small ish local farms around? During the week stay and play groups are great - check your local children’s centre and I’d definitely go to the library once a week. Could you make some Christmas cards together? Or even decorations? I can’t remember what I did with my 13 mo to be honest but I did find that working four days a week was a good balance for me. You’re not a rubbish mum, each stage just comes with its own lessons and challenges.

It's such a tough time! I remember just finding it so boring and struggling to find things to do in lockdown when nothing was open. I found a backpack was a help so I could go for a walk and feel.more independent and it kept my little o e more entertained. Beyond that, are there any groups or friends you could meet with? Whatever happens, remember everything is a phases so it will pass. Soon enough you will be going to parties and meeting people for adult company there!

thanks SO much for suggestions!

I haven’t seen anything on at weekends but I will look.

I sometimes got to a shopping centre and we go for a coffee and a walk round which is ok but inevitably I spend money and parking is expensive and I’m sad I’m just doing it literally to pass time!

I thought about changing my work days but I worry she would be unsettled at nursery if it wasn’t in a block. I don’t know.

swimming is unfortunately the one thing I absolutely don’t want to do, I can swim but hate it. Is she too young for me to take her to a lesson? Do they do those for one year olds?!

It’s wrong to think that you’re using your annual leave, taking the time off work, to BE WITH your DD. That’s too much pressure, expectations too high for a non-walking baby. She’s a baby. She can’t even walk. What on earth can you do with her?!

I would reframe it in my mind: I am taking these two days off work so that DD isn’t in nursery 5/7, I will get on with my life outside work and incorporate DD into it. Visit family, run errands, do chores etc. That enough “stimulation” for her, and you achieve the main aim of not missing out on the majority of her awake time and her being with a parent for most of her awake time. All that stuff is enough: you feeding, bathing, clothing her, chatting with her, cuddling her, showing her the ropes of life etc - that’s all it takes at this age.

Too young for lessons but don’t worry, swimming can wait. 3 is the earliest around these parts.

Hear you on shopping centres..

Once toddling i used to give mine a pot of water and a paintbrush to “paint” the patio/shed etc. They adored that!

Church groups / other groups. Library. Play dates with other tots and their mums

Weekends are definitely trickier to fill than weekdays. We have a gymnastics trampolining centre that does toddlers sessions every morning including weekends which is good, they have soft play toys out etc and it’s so large it doesn’t feel over crowded. Also there’s a cafe locally that as well as having kids classes / activities they have lots of toys / books etc in the middle and you can book a stay and play, toddler plays with all the toys while you can sit and watch with a coffee

You're not a shit parent, you're a single one with zero support.

Don't know your circumstances, maybe her dad cannot get involved or you don't want him to, but he needs to look after her more. You are getting no time to yourself and it's burnout really. Even if she's asleep you're on high alert. What about grandparents/your siblings?

All you can really do now is focus on the evenings if she sleeps well. But it is a very lonely time and a 13 month old is no company for an adult for hours on end, and it's okay to state that and not feel guilty.

This.
no one was meant to raise a baby on their own in that way.

you sound very isolated during those 4 days, and you need other adult company, even if it’s not your “ideal” friends

SIL and I are having this conversation with my niece right now, she’s isolating herself on her days when she’s not working.

I was going to say similar to @rickandmorts as dinner time is good, maybe more craft/activity stuff she can do at the table. Like painting dry pasta. Or putting pasta on the table. Or just playing with arts and crafts stuff. Mine loved water at that age, so some plastic cups in the sink so she can splash about and 'wash up'. Things that also kept them entertained at that age were blocks, and magnetic tiles. I think it is really helpful to have a few of these kind of activities which you can get out and put away easily. And as pp said, if all else fails put her in the bath!

You mention a pram but is it an out-facing buggy she can sit up in so she can watch the world go by as you walk with her? Will she go in a carrier on your back? We have a National Trust membership and some of the local places to us have farms attached or attractions that are interesting to little ones, so maybe see what there is like that around you as once you pay the annual fee it's then free all year. Even if you just go out to a local park or woodland you can tell her about all the things in nature you can see - trees, birds, insects etc. She might not seem like she understands much but babies are like sponges and pick up so much language you don't realise. Farm parks are always fun although obviously you generally have to pay.

It also sounds like perhaps you might be struggling with low mood in general? I'm not surprised you find it hard doing 4 days in a row with no real help. You're not a shit parent - finding yourself in a tough situation doesn't make you a bad parent.

One extra thought is have you talked to nursery about what she enjoys while she is there? Or for some suggestions on things you can do at home? They won't think any less of you and might have some great ideas.

Do 13 month olds really paint pasta?! My dd would not do this, she just wouldn’t even know how to hold the paintbrush. I’m worried she’s now not actually developing at the right rate

we ALL have phases of child rearing that we aren’t good at, we hate, we love, or we’re simply brilliant at. I didn’t do babies at all, and was a horrible time as had PND as well. But I loved the 14 months terrible twos.

so, your time to getting back to loving it will come agian. You just don’t know when yet. But in early years nearly EVERY Year is different, so batten down the hatches, put your hard hat on, and ride it out as something to get through. Don’t put expectations on yourself to say your shit at parenting etc, just wait it out in a basic survival mode taking each day as it comes.

the other thing is, babies do need to learn to occupy themselves as human beings, to severe the link that mum is covering all their needs and thinking all the time. Their little brain needs to adapt to that. There is nothing wrong, with providing stimulus she can use herself, settling down yourself with book, radio or music, and by and large ignoring her for 5- 10 minute stretches. You need to be around, but that doesn’t mean she gets your undivided attention. You are more of her entertainment juke box; . Small stretches of planned activities breaking up the day is fine. And lots of time in conversation - talk/sing to her lots, if if she’s not listening.

how about writing down some activities to do for 10 minute stretches? Sing, dance, crayons, blocks, soft toy, talking, reading - set a timer at each session, fine if it’s going well …carry on…if not then settle her with her own things and get on with your thing.

I also find that babies like to watch adults do stuff. Maybe go back to doing some of your cleaning, do the laundry, ironing, some cooking. Set it up so she can watch you, but ignore the whinges.

I had a quick look on line…this article seems to be saying same thing and has some good points
https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/is-responsive-parenting-causing-clinginess-in-13-month-old

Do you have a good routine? Does she have a long nap after lunch?

Definitely see if you can find some groups to go to.
Split your day into chunks.
Get up and get her sorted/breakfast/dressed
She plays while you eat breakfast
Playpen in front of the TV for 20 minutes while you shower and dress.
Then go out - playgroup, music class in the week. Library, garden centre at the weekend.
Home for lunch, get her down for a nap.
After her nap get her up and have a snack together
Then go out again if possible - visit a friend or relative etc, go for a walk, do the weekly supermarket shop.
See if you can make some friends at playgroup and invite them over - they are all looking to fill the day too.
Then you've got tea time, bath time, watch some TV together, put her to bed.

Mine would definitely not have painted pasta at 13 months! He was the same as yours, would never settle to anything. I used to take him to national trust places, nature reserves etc for a change of scenery and to be outdoors. Have a look on facebook for baby swim classes, they’ll be privately run and are often in private pools with nice warm water (bonus). I used to take mine to the public swimming pool, it’s not like you’re actually swimming, which I hate too, but he would play in the splash pool and I would walk around the big pool with him for a bit as well. He actually learned to swim that way without having formal lessons.

Also, at nursery babies aren't being played with constantly, adults are busy.
They potter about, emptying out boxes and carrying stuff around etc. punctuated by stories and singing.
It's absolutely ok to get on with things or sit down and have a cup of tea and let your baby potter about without being entertained.

that sounds so boring, they'll be running to get back to nursery and work

I found from about 1 year to 2.5 the hardest. Mine is almost 3 now and although he is speech delayed, so much more interactive and interesting.

I feel for you - I was at home Mon to Fri for 11 hours a day with mine. It was mentally one of the toughest things I've done and nearly broke me. I don't live near family and friends so it was just us, all the time.

I got into a routine and found managing small chunks of time easier than trying to think of how to fill 11 hours. So first 1.5 hours were playtime/crawl time. I had lots of boxes filled with toys/magazines to rip, old cds to stack etc that kept him occupied quite well. Then breakfast, getting dressed, out of the house for the morning (sometimes it was just walking around our town to pass the time). Home for lunch and nap, then supermarket in the afternoon plus lots more crawling time.

Mine needed lots of crawling time and it coincided with winter which was frustrating.

He also wasn't into structured activities/crafts (still isnt).

Days when we had a class or my parents would do a 4 hour round trip to see us were a lifeline. I tried mum and baby groups at community centres/churches but found them all a bit sad and depressing.

Good luck and I hope you find your groove- it's bloody hard and it's OK to feel like it is!

Littles ones have little days. A little, slow walk with much stopping and exploring to a pond, post box, park or field for 30 mins is fine and lovely.

Plenty of little snack and drink breaks, a nap, some toys set out where you need to be, then bedtime routine should take up most of the day.

You need to be around all the time but you shouldn't need (in my opinion) to be doing stuff directly with her all day.

Set her up a plastic mixing bowl and a few wooden spoons on the floor in the kitchen while you make meals. Sit her with a pile of soft books and bits while you are reading or watching telly in the living room. Point out things in your day and chat to her whilst you do things. Tend to her when she needs changing/a cuddle etc.

Parenting is lovely, and tiring, and monotonous, and repetitive but don't make it harder on yourself by thinking a baby needs you to be directly interacting with her and doing nothing else all day.

Crafts - painting, drawing, teddy bears’ picnic, collecting autumn leaves and conkers, swimming, park (get her in Muddy Puddles waterproofs if wet), library, card games.