How the hell do you look after a child of this age?! I feel like a shit parent

[Parentingonee]

DD is 13 months. She’s in nursery Monday to Wednesday while I work (I’m using annual leave to take Thursday and Friday off after maternity leave), and then we have four days together. I was adamant I wanted this and didn’t want her in nursery too much.

I had a pretty easy year with her. She breastfed easily, slept well etc. I felt confident I could navigate year two with her. Her dad sees her once a month so I get no real break, although he does pay all her nursery fees and provides 250 a month for her general expenses, which is a massive help. I use this money for a cleaner to help me keep on top of the home etc and felt like I was really making things work well. But I’m not.

I am losing my mind. Been up today since 7am and I want to cry. I have no idea what to do with her. We live semi-rural but I can’t face a soft play on a weekend. She can’t walk and doesn’t like the pram much so even if we have a walk it’s for 30 mins. She looks at a book for 30 seconds then that’s it. Even the tv I resorted to but she’s not interested in that anyway, plus I know it’s not good. I do play with her at home but I can’t do that for four days straight before work again. I feel like such a shit parent. Meal times are good as it’s something to do and interact. Even if we go out it feels pointless. She likes shopping in the trolley but obviously that’s only an hour max before i am losing my mind again.

Can’t believe I thought I was good at being a parent. I’m fully put in my place now and begging for ideas on how to fill these days???

Is the pram inward or outward facing? Sometimes babies like the switch to outward facing as they can look around. 13 months is a tricky period but it really does get better once they are more mobile and have more interest in things. What does she like?

Why can't her father take her more often.

Swimming
Library
Sensory class
Music classes

For the weekdays can you find any groups to go to, to interact with others- both for you and her?
To play at home - at that age I had one low level cupboard just filled with plastic containers and mine loved playing with that - climbing in and out, stacking and restacking...
Another idea: run a bath, again fill with plastic containers, you sit on the toilet while she plays.

Everyone has a different experience of when, but some periods of raising small
children can be soul destroying. I found it much easier to get out and do things once our daughter could walk at 14 months. I also found working 4 days a week was a good balance, so could you consider an extra day if the father pays for the other days? It will pass and it’s okay if it’s hard until it does. I personally found year 1-2 great, and 0-1 much harder but she definitely wasn’t a good sleeper, but I found it much more rewarding when she started walking and talking etc. I found water a great thing that she loved playing in around that age so swimming or water play at home etc. I’d keep on with books as found that she showed more and more interest as time went on and it helped with her speaking quite early too.

Oh yes, swimming also a great idea.

It's hard.

I found being in the house the hardest so we were out as much as possible. And we are out all the time because it killed me trying to make food and then clean up while also dealing with the kids.

If I had someone to help me with the kids for half an hour I would pack a picnic to take with us (sandwiches, fruit, yoghurt etc). If I didn't have that help I couldn't do it so we would eat in chaeapish cafes etc.

I found they would actually eat in these places as they enjoyed people watching etc. at home they never ate and just threw food around.

At that age I ditched the pram and got one of those wee trike things. They are good because they are strapped in and you are pushing / steering but they feel like they are riding it themselves. Then, when tired, I would put them in a sling and walk them to sleep while pushing the trike.

Sorry, no magic answers, some kids are just hard, but it does pass.

Babies of this age are a challenge, especially if you're on your own.
The fortunate thing is that they get older and easier.

But could you look at another day of nursery for her? Do you think that would help?

Meet up with friends and their babies/toddlers.
Baby groups.
Baby swimming or just take her yourself to the learner pool, then coffee/cake in the cafe afterwards.
Soft play (I know you say you can't face it at weekends but you could go during the week when it's quiet).
Put her in her waterproofs and take her to the park.
Garden centre to look at the animals/fish? Then cafe afterwards if you want.
Pet shop for similar - kids love looking at fish/rabbits/hamsters.

Classes, groups, parks, walks in the woods (if you have a carrier?), play with water in a washing up bowl with different things to pour from etc, long bath play sessions if she likes it, let her play with flour and pots/spoons, show her dance and song things on YouTube, swimming, library, meet friends or family, cafes, garden centres, farms, arty stuff with paint and printing, read her books, explore the garden, visit a pet shop, go on a bus or train

Have you got any family or friends with young children? Meet up with them, do things. Or, join a mum and toddler group - yes, they are rather boring at times, but it sounds as though you need the company of other adults. Your little girl needs to play with other children. At the moment, it just seems to be you and her, which isn't good for either of you.

This is a tough phase but it will pass. If it’s an option can you change your non working days to break up the 4 day run over the weekend? That is a long slog on your own, you might find shorter stints of work / home a better balance.

My baby is 11 months and similar in terms of entertaining. In the house I tend to give her kitchen utensils and stuff for her to bang about and try destroy, she likes that. Messy play with stuff too, spaghetti, cornflour and water to make slime, etc. A bath is good for taking up time. She likes watching Ms Rachel too, have you tried that?

She loves going out swimming too. Or out for coffee/ brunch. What about walking her in a carrier if she doesn't like the pram? Can you take her round to friends and family's house for a change of scene?

Petting zoos
Little farms
Baby sensory
Libraries do story sessions.
Local baby groups
Garden centres

Just thrown a few ideas at you of what we do on our days off!

Single parenting a toddler is tough and lonely.

Do you have local friends? Any lone parent support groups locally? I made a nice supportive group of friends through my local la leche league group if you're still breastfeeding.

If you can find other single parents that's great because couples are always having family time at the weekends and don't seem to want to meet up.

If you're even slightly community minded and don't recoil at the idea of religion, you could possibly try a local church too? That gives you something on a Sunday morning and it's an intro to the local community which can be a big support. I know that's not for everyone though.

I can remember the hours of time filling before they were walking and talking being quite exhasting, especially when you are tired. Here are some ideas for you op remember you don't need to be doing full on one to one all day.
Create a box of pots, wooden spoons etc on the kitchen floor to play with.

Get a mini ball pit /tent /tunnel for her to crawl about in at home....or just build a tunnel out of sofa cushions and a throw.
Get some jeli baff slime and make some up in a washing up bowl for her to play with on the floor or high chair...put some things in it e.g plastic toys. Make a sensory box of things like fir cones, different fabrics etc. Just have different things for her to do but have a box set on the TV for you so you can half play and half do something for you. Play kids nursery rhymes for her and sing along while you do other chores. Plan some outings to things like an Aquarium or farm park where there's lots for her to look at and point out. Get some bath toys, make bath time a long event involving some different play. Get a bubble machine.

I sympathise, mine was like this. Needed constant stimulation but nothing held her attention for more than 20 minutes. She barely napped either. I honestly lost the will to live.

Things massively improved once she could walk (at 15 months in our case). That meant she could go to what she was interested in rather than me having to constantly think of the next thing.

In the meantime, get out and about as much as you can, twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Even if it is just an hour it breaks up the day. Groups, playgrounds, library, cafes, shopping mall, park, literally anything you can get to. In between times it's a bit of everything - I did a lot of sensory play eg baths, sand, foam, playdoh.

It is really hard but it's also temporary.

I used to put mine in a sling on my back and get on with things - walks, cooking, anything. They loved it. One was in the sling till 3.5 when I couldn’t lift him any more. Not a baby Bjorn but a bigger structured one. You can get them on your own back with some practice

You're not a shit parent at all - 1 year olds are really hard to entertain.

In your mind split the day into blocks around her naps. That will help keep you sane!

In the first block get ready for the day, have food etc - can she 'help' pour her cereal to basically elongate the process? Then nap. Then get out of the house - even if it's in the garden for 20 mins looking at leaves, picking up bits of stones etc etc. Then lunch. Then find something for the next block then nap etc and try and think of it like that. I literally used to go to the supermarket every day just for an activity. Try going for a coffee to kill half an hour, it literally is just trying to fill the day at that age.

Once she gets bigger you will be able to entertain her more easily, but trust me this isn't a you problem, it's just really hard work!

Oh I recognise that feeling. I found that sort of stage really hard because I was constantly beating myself up for not providing quality entertainment 24/7. The reality is they don’t need quality entertainment. At 13 months, they can have a bit of play, but their learning is mainly through going about with you doing normal day to day stuff, like food shopping, going to the post office, going for a walk, cooking/prepping dinner, doing laundry etc.

I found that I didn’t need to cram my whole day with activities to cope. Just one or two ‘main events’ could provide a big release of the pressure. Swimming is an excellent suggestion. 1) it takes fucking ages when they’re little because you’ve got an hour either side of the actual swimming to wrestle 2 wet bodies into clothing and 2) it tires them out so you can often get a good few hours nap out of them straight after. Getting out of the house was a blessing for us both and could reset our whole day if it was getting in top of me. Walk to the park for a push on the swings, walk round the lake to feed the ducks. Have you got any mum friends? That was also a big lifeline, although I found most of them were reluctant to meet at weekends because that’s when they do family stuff. But on your 2 weekdays meeting someone for a coffee while the kids are at softplay isn’t as soul destroying as solo soft play.

At the weekends, take advantage of stuff with a crèche? It’s not failing to just take an hour to yourself. Join a gym with a crèche so you get an hour and your baby gets a lovely play with qualified play workers. Can do you both the world of good.

Good luck to you. I love my kids to bits, and found later stages much more enjoyable, but that age was HARD.

They can be bloody hard work at this age. Agree activities are often the answer. It's a good point about direction of pram too. Some of them do much better looking outwards at this age, or at least positioned in a way they can see more.

You are a good mum! This is a hard age! Try and find local mums so they can play together

1 thing I found helped was changing working days so you are not 4 whole days in a row on your own with her. So perhaps work Monday, Wednesday, Friday? Like other PPs I found getting out helps. My DD didn’t walk until 20 months and it was easier after she was walking, playgrounds and walks are good to tire them out. But people watching while out did help and we did swimming one day and went to a mum and baby group another (not really my thing but as she got older DD liked the craft table and it was better than a day at home). That together with a short shopping visit, she liked a supermarket shop as long as it was quite short, and a visit to my mum’s for a change of scene were our usual entertainments. Plus an OP has mentioned playing in the bath, DD always liked that too, good for a wet afternoon. Or if you can afford it another day in nursery would be fine.

Ps don't know if you are in any way religious but church and their crèche is good for Sundays

Is there anything on at the local library? Or could she crawl around the kids section there? A swimming lesson on a weekend?

Structure your day- stay in bed in pjs giggling and snuggling as long as you can.
then breakfast and a wash and dress.
Then a walk or outing before morning nap…

There’s a reason old fashioned mums had a schedule!

Lots of washing and dressing, little outings and little activities. Naps.

It doesn’t go on forever, but it is demanding!